Photo by nyki m
The notion that people can be friends after breaking up is a lot like alchemy. Many people have tried it over the years and yet we still find ourselves digging into mountains to find real gold. The following won’t get you any brownie points, but they will put a dramatic touch on the end of your relationship. Good luck!
- Send her mother flowers and a note requesting that she tell her daughter that things just aren’t working out and you’re sorry.
- Have a cake sent to her work and do the deed in frosting. Sending flowers that represent rejection (thanks, J!) may also help things along.
- Invite her to your place for dinner. Promise to cook something fantastic. If she has keys to your place, have the locks changed. Give your cell phone to your neighbor with an explanation. It’s key that she hear your phone ringing nearby when she calls it to find you. Spend your evening with friends and enjoy yourself!
- Send a letter detailing your intended break up and reasons to a bad address and use your new ex’s current address as for the return. The letter will be returned to its “sender” and she’ll be single and confused.
- Buy her a puppy and have it delivered to her house. Make sure it has a lovely little collar with “ doesn’t love you anymore. Give your love to me!”
- Confess your love for her best friend.
- Take her out for drinks. Find the grossest drunkest guy you can and tell him that “that woman over there” said she thinks he’s cute and that you know she’s very much single.
- Call her brother. Tell him you’re gay and ask to start seeing him. This will only have the desired effect if he’s straight.
- Take the facebook/myspace craze to a new level and get one of her friends to post a note about how you told this friend that you were breaking up that night.
- Break up with her over the phone and call her by the wrong name in the process.
Do not blame me if one of the above backfires on you and a wedding ensues. Stranger things have happened. Just know that the more she hates you at the moment you break up, the more quickly she’ll get over you.
What do you think?
Seth
If it was you who proposed to brake up the best way not to course pain to your partner is say lies about yourself that he or she feels more self-confident and blame you for everything. So you get rid of him or quickly and painless.
These ideas are theater-worthy, creative and intentional… but if I was on the receiving end, I would find them even more painful than an abrupt, “it’s over between you and me.” But if these measures are needed for some reason, then it probably signifies that the relationship never reached a healthy place of honest communication to begin with.
I think the painful part is what makes the break-ups “bastardly” instead of just regular break-ups. The idea of a bastardly break-up is to create drama, suspense, insight angst, and keep the other person guessing. This would not be the kind way to break up, but it is an option. I think most relationships that reach the “healthy place” you speak of would either end in huge flames or on friendly terms. The former would benefit from my list. Thanks for the comment!
How awful. Maybe these methods can make the other hate you and more quickly get over you, but actions like this might also make you hate yourself. And how in the world would you get over yourself?
I suppose its possible that you might hate yourself after breaking up. Most people experience a range of feelings after ending a relationship. Self-loathing certainly might be one of those feelings. As far as getting over oneself, I think that’s a slower process that comes with dedication to open dialogue, humble honesty, and a willingness to greet other ideas, opinions, and people with open arms. Unfortunately, once you’ve gotten over yourself, it’ll be much harder for other people to get over you. They’ll be so sad you left!
Seth
The problem with these ideas is that they require you to exercise the revenge muscle. You would have to have been a victim somehow to want to do any of these. And the best thing for a victim to do is to just walk away. Do not lower yourself by doing these. They sound clever, but they are profoundly unwise. Clean, straightforward breaks are always the best for everybody.
There’s a tried and true way of breaking up. Do it in person. Do it in public. Be straightforward. Make a clean break.
@Neal – profoundly unwise? Read the title: “bastardly break-ups”.
Why do it in public if you’re not trying to exercise that “revenge muscle”?
Yes, make a clean break. You’re talking my language now. Re: how to get over an ex.