Guys, here’s a quick-and-dirty list to help you stay out of the doghouse.
Never criticize a woman for…
1. Her Weight
The lightning isn’t striking any closer, your lady’s thighs just have some added thunder. You, being the observant kind of guy who will step over a pair of pants on the bedroom floor for three weeks but instantly notice every blemish on her body, feel compelled to make a comment. SHUT YOUR FACE. Seriously. Say nothing.
Here’s why I recommend silence when it comes to directly discussing her weight:
1. She already knows about the weight gain – Telling her that you noticed the change in her body won’t go over well…especially since you’re probably not good about noticing positive details.
2. It’s probably not something she wants – There’s a reason “Biggest Gainer” with Roseanne Barr as the outspoken eating coach is not a hit TV show. Most people would like to lose a bit of weight and chances are that your lady is feeling a bit frustrated and powerless over her body right now.
When you criticize her body, you criticize her at what can often be a very emotionally-charged and intensely personal level of her identity.
Not sure what I mean? Example: If she suggested that you try out a new penis-enl@rgement medication, how would you feel? C’mon! She’s just making a helpful suggestion about something she knows you’d like to change! Get my drift? Good.
2. Her Makeup
The only type of makeup you need to worry about is the kind you’ll need after she blackens your eye in response to a critique of her makeup.
You’ll need a liquid yellow-based (for black/blue bruise) or light green-based (for yellow/brown bruise – after the black & blue has healed a bit) concealer as well as a concealer that matches your normal skin tone.
Use your fingers to gently smooth a layer of the color-based concealer over your bruise and blend outward over a bit of the surrounding skin.
Once the first coat is dry, apply a layer of your skin-tone concealer over the color-based one. If you want to get really snazzy, a good makeup brush (large circular one, not the fan-shaped or paint brush-like ones) with a bit of powder will help you look like more like a guy who knows when to keep his mouth shut.
(If she actually attacks you violently in response to a comment on her makeup, consider loving somebody else? In the meantime, the black-eye tip works great. Note it well, friend!)
3. Her Family
She didn’t choose the family she was born into (family of origin) and you don’t get a vote in picking the people she’s close to now. (family of choice) Vote NO on criticizing her family because, while you may find them to be all kinds of infuriating, they are a part of what makes her unique. Hate on what makes her unique and–you guessed it–you’re hating on her.
That’s just a dumb way to go about a relationship. (If you didn’t already learn it in college, do a quick search on family of origin vs. choice and get some knowledge!)
4. Her Fashion
Here’s a conversation that probably won’t get you into trouble:
You: “I can think of something that would look much better than that tramp sack you’re wearing.”
Her: “Yeah? What’s that?”
You: “The Michael Kors dress you’d wanted that’s sitting in a bag on your desk, obviously.”
But chances are you don’t know enough about her fashion sense to buy her something she’d really like. There’s also a very good chance that you don’t know much about fashion in general nor do you have a neatly-honed personal sense of style.
As such, it’s best to let her dress as she pleases and make a point to let her know that ‘You’re beautiful” doesn’t depend on what she’s wearing.
5. Her Mood
“Are you on your period?” = One of the quickest ways to push a conversation into idiot territory.
“You look tired” = An easy way to be taken off the “I’d sleep with him, given the chance” list.
“Why are you so grouchy?” = A great way to get an answer that will forever remind you not to ask that question again!
Just as it was with offering criticism to a woman because of her weight, criticising a woman directly because of her mood is a dangerous foray into stating the obvious.
She knows when she’s happy, sad, annoyed, angry, or apathetic. What she might not know is whether or not the things she tries to communicate to you are really making it into your brain. Instead telling her she’s been grouchy lately and you’re tired of it, why not ask her about her life and find out if there’s anything you can do to help reduce her stress level?
Any effort you put into clear communication will typically be rewarded by an improved relationship or the realization that it’s time to FedEx yourself to Uganda for a change in world view.
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Summary: It’s unlikely that direct criticism of any particular aspect of a woman’s existence will result in anything less than an argument and hurt feelings.
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Ladies, is there anything you’d like to add? A bit of criticism perhaps or a story that might illustrate a point more vividly than I was able? Thanks for your input!
I’d add her friends to this list.
Friends are part of the “Family of choice.” =)
Her parenting skills?
You nailed it all.
I’m one who isn’t too sensitive but when I was dating I was a stickler for the ‘I can mock my family—-but you can’t’ rule (& yeah that one sticks after marriage. At least up in herre.)
Parenting skills are a bit iffier. At least, if you’re raising the kid together.
“I don’t like it when you scream at our child.” Is absolutely worth the ensuing argument if you know where the touchpoints are and understand that screaming at the child is usually a manifestation of something bigger that you need to help fix. (aka, she thinks you’re cheating on her and is stressed out about it.) Yeah?
I’m with you on the family rule. Just one of those things you learn to work around.
Thanks Carla!
I can’t think of anything that would be OK to criticize.
Seth, I think it’s okay to give extra compliments when she moves in a direction you like vis a vis fashion or makeup. “You’re looking particularly lovely today” is preferable to “I like what you’ve got on today versus the stuff you usually wear.” And I think you can find another way to express concern over a mood or her looking tired without putting her on the defensive. Like saying, “you seem a little down today” or “a little distracted,” then ask, “is there anything I can help with?” But I definitely agree with your comments about weight gain or family. She knows when she’s even a pound overweight and there are likely things she could say about his relatives if they’re going to be talking family… My late husband became quite the expert at saying that he liked my new hair style and that I would be beautiful no matter what I wore. BTW – if you notice a new hair style before you’re asked to comment, you get extra points!
Very good point about compliments. It’s all in the phrasing!
I always notice new hairstyles & often recognize new articles of clothing…but I grew up with a bunch of sisters so perhaps I have an advantage? I’m thinking so.
Thanks Robyn!
Really great article. Love the way you lay it on the line. Talk about telling it like it is. Stop worrying about everyone else’s faults and worry about your own.
I can think of some criticisms that ARE ok –
“I hate it when you point that gun at me.”
“Well, my lawyer is better than your lawyer.”
“I wish your son wouldn’t beat up my daughter.”
“Your boyfriend is uglier than I imagined”
I can’t remember the others, but they are the first I recall.
“Your boyfriend is uglier than I imagined” = wow. =)
There are lots of things it’s okay to criticize on so long as your approach is thoughtful and you have an end game in mind.
Thanks!
I might be over-sensitized by all the Kate Harding I’ve been reading lately, but it’s really sad that these things are such touchy issues for all women. Then again, I hardly ever wear any makeup and bristled when a guy I was sort of dating said I needed a makeover.
I guess the point that needs to be made is that directly criticising the way anyone lives their life is a touchy subject, whether they’re male or female. Maybe it’s better that if someone doesn’t meet your standards of appearance, you shouldn’t date them at all?
Hi Molly,
To quote your blog description: “I’m a girl who gets off on gluttony, and I like to feed boys.”
Would you say that Kate’s viewpoint might possibly be driven by the same sort of fetishism you find satisfactory in your own existence?
That aside, we’re very much in agreement about the damage direct criticism can do to a relationship. I tried to restate that point in the “summary” at the conclusion of the post.
If physical appearance is indeed a major issue for somebody, then yes, I think it’s a good idea for them to avoid fostering romantic relationships with people they’re not attracted to. We all have unique things that turn us on, right? You like men with bellies like a 6-months-pregnant woman and I don’t find that quite as appealing. Are you shallow because you’re not attracted to men with six-pack abs? I don’t think so. Am I shallow because I’m not attracted to extremely overweight women? I’d hope not. It’s simply a preference.
Are we on the same page or have I missed something entirely?
Thanks!
I actually feel kind of embarrassed now because when I wrote that I wasn’t thinking about feederism at all, but then you went to my blog and actually read it. XD They’re honestly not connected in my mind at all.
“Would you say that Kate’s viewpoint might possibly be driven by the same sort of fetishism you find satisfactory in your own existence?”
From what I’ve read of her stuff I’d say no. Fat acceptance and feederism are two very different things. Kate’s interested in human rights, perceptions of self-worth vs. attractiveness, and helping women have better self esteem. I’m just writing as a hedonist, and I don’t always agree with what she says.
I wasn’t trying to criticise the points you made in your post. When you wrote “You, being the observant kind of guy who will step over a pair of pants on the bedroom floor for three weeks but instantly notice every blemish on her body, feel compelled to make a comment,” it was clear this was a message for the guy to lighten up a little. But at the same time I, personally, have never had anyone comment on these things that didn’t *really* want me to change them, thus making me question the wisdom of dating someone whose appearance, family, and moods you disliked. That’s all, honest!
Don’t be embarrassed! I find the concept quite fascinating. Have you seen Pulp Fiction? There’s a scene where the girlfriend of the character played by Bruce Willis asks him if he’d like it if she had a pot belly & bemoans the fact that we often struggle to align what feels good with what looks good in our preferences. That’s stuck with me as a bright moment worth contemplating.
Perhaps without her intention, I think some of Kate’s efforts are used to bolster excuses for unhealthy habits instead of functioning as starting points for increased self-worth and life-bettering action. That said, if her work helps just a few women get past some hangups and start living life more fully, it’s worth a few misunderstandings.
Criticism, as noted in the conclusion, is entirely welcome! 3 years ago, I had a date mention out of the blue that she “actually preferred bigger guys.” The conversation hadn’t been about preferences, size, or gender so it was odd for her to make the comment. Obviously it was an issue because she brought it up on her own… which does a bit to sustain your point about “acceptance” simply forming another prong for attempted change.
Relationships are complex little beasts, eh? I say date people who make you happy! =)
Thanks Molly!
“Relationships are complex little beasts, eh?”
Amen!
I agree ‘Any effort you put into clear communication will typically be rewarded by an improved relationship’ and really you can say or ask almost anything, if you say it in the right way.
Susie
You hit all of these things right on Seth. But, I think a lot of guys might read this and wonder, if they’re not allowed to critisize things like weight gain or mood swings or horrendous fashion/make-up choices, then how on earth are you supposed to change them??? Ideally I think that many guys need to learn the art of subliminal messaging. If a guy notices that his lady is gaining weight, the best way to push her toward a change would be to redirect the way that she’s gaining all the weight. Being encouraging and suggesting to do things with her like go on a couple’s run or go hiking together, or anything active is a great way to inspire her and encourage her to lose those not-so-loving love handles.
The same concept easily goes for the fashion and make-up disaster too. Subtlely pointing out things that you would like to see her in, (“That dress would look great on you…” or “They way she does her make-up would be so much more flattering on you”) is a sensitive and successful way to adjust her undesirable habits.
While I agree that the unique quirks of a partner should be embraced, sometimes a push for a change for the better is beneficial for both parties.
Hi Chelsea!
The issue for most guys is that they don’t have the knowledge needed to make helpful suggestions re: weight, fashion, or makeup. Guys who do know about such things are typically mocked for their knowledge and teased for being gay or something like.
If you were overweight and your boyfriend suggested out of the blue that you go for a run with him, what would your response be?
Exactly.
“That dress would look great on you” elicits, “you don’t like what I’m wearing? etc.” and an argument starts because the couple typically doesn’t have an understanding that allows such comments to be made without an explosion.
“The way she does her make-up would be so much more flattering on you” has the double negative in that it not only compares her to another female but puts her on the negative side of the equation. Dangerous stuff, miss! =)
“Sometimes a push for a change for the better is beneficial for both parties.” Oh yes! I agree with you completely!
I remember when I was a teenager, one of my sister’s visiting friends remarked that she wasn’t sure what to wear the next day. (She packed very light–amazing!!–and only had two options.) I told her what I thought she should do & was interrupted by my father telling me that it wasn’t my place to tell a woman what to wear.
Her response? “He knows more about fashion than I do. I’d look like an idiot without him!”
My father didn’t know what to say. You see, with his level of knowledge, the best thing for him to do was to remain silent about the topic.
If the guy has the knowledge necessary to offer constructive criticism, I think a lot of doors open for friendly conversations that otherwise could never take place.
Thanks!
There’s nothing worse than my bf saying to me, “You’re really mad / moody / contrary right now.” (Yes, he says “contrary.”) Whether or not, I’m actually mad at that point, that really sends me over the edge. I may be upset about something but bringing attention to it that way just pisses me off. I’ve told him to just give me a hug or a kiss and say, “Is there anything I can do right now? No? OK, let me just hold you for a little bit.” He won’t do it that way, though. Dbag.
I had a rather talented boyfriend once who used to be able to do all of these things and more in one sentence. His reason? Because he was just being honest and honesty is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship right? Is that how they got the phrase “brutal honesty?!”
And I agree with Donna. Guys – Never underestimate the power of a hug when your girl is having a bad day. It means more than any words ever could. When that talented boyfriend and I broke up, I told him that all I ever wanted from him was a hug. It would have made a world of difference.