Being single during the holidays, frankly, sucks. From ancient relatives asking about the whereabouts of childhood crushes to advertising that consistently depicts joyful couples, winter holidays are chock full of reminders that being single isn’t “cool.”

Instead of griping that you don’t have a darling to risk purchasing the wrong gifts for, why not take some time this holiday to give yourself some needed “me-time”?

With the assumption that you’re taking at least basic care of your body, here are 5 ways you can improve the way you treat your inner self over the coming weeks (and beyond):

1. Make a pact. Find a good friend you can call whenever you’re feeling an urge to call one of your exes. Agree to make time for their call when it comes as they’ll do for you. This trick has saved me from following through on numerous bad decisions that could have really brought a lot more pain into my life. Walking in the woods on a snowy Christmas eve by yourself? Call your friend. Just a moment or two of conversation will do a lot to help you kick your mood and get back to the fun stuff.
2. Seek out sustainable friendships. If you’ve only got time for quick phone calls and a get-together every few weeks, find people who understand your schedule and are glad to get what time they can from you. Trying to maintain relationships with time-hungry people will leave you feeling like you’re a bad friend. The reverse applies. If you’ve got lots of time, don’t chase the jet-set! Continue Reading

Do you have a favorite season? Most people experience seasons in a romantic relationship. In New England (the northeastern part of the United States) we have four seasons. Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. In relationships, especially long-term ones, we can observe similar seasons.

The Four Seasons of a Relationship

Spring - In the spring of a relationship, we experience the thrill of discovery, obsession, and emotional (and often, physical) penetration that precedes new growth and attachments. Springtime offers a mad rush of delightful sensations. Remember what it feels like to touch someone for the first time? The easy laughter when you got tangled in your own shirt?

Most of us are good at dealing with springtime in our relationships. We forget our past unhappiness and revel in rediscovered emotions. Springtime is easy. Continue Reading

Not in the US? Try the YouTube version!

This highly amusing (we thought so, at least) video gives all the advice you need about how to have safe sex.

Most of us learned this information in high school and are regularly bombarded with reminders to “use protection” and practice safe sex. If the information has been spread and we know in our minds how to have safe sex, then why don’t more of us practice it?

1. Because we make stupid decisions when we really like somebody.
2. Safe sex isn’t especially fun & kills the notion of spontaneity.
3. The decision to have sex is often made under the influence of one or more substances.

It would be great to see a video on how to have safe sex without seeming untrusting, boring, and generally unsexy.

I’m off to buy some plastic wrap. I substituted aluminum foil last night and it Continue Reading

She will annoy you, irritate you, and possibly stir violence in your heart. At some point, you are going to wish her ill of all kinds. This does not mean anybody has done anything wrong. In fact, this is par for the course when it comes to love.

In my college days, I dated Helen, a pre-med student with an angry streak. I had seen her angry while on the phone with her parents, but she’d never blown up at me. That changed one October afternoon. Helen had just mentioned her ex-boyfriend again. She was trying to convince me to skip some classes and drive to a club with her and some friends.

Bringing up her ex and his willingness to jump at her every wish wasn’t a good way of winning me over. I told her such and suddenly met the Helen I’d only wondered about before.

In one admirably smooth motion, she swung from the hip with her right fist. I caught it with one hand. She swung with her left and got the strike. I shouldn’t have tried to dodge her because it only served to put my nose in the way.

Continue Reading

Guys, here’s a quick-and-dirty list to help you stay out of the doghouse.

Never criticize a woman for…

1. Her Weight

The lightning isn’t striking any closer, your lady’s thighs just have some added thunder. You, being the observant kind of guy who will step over a pair of pants on the bedroom floor for three weeks but instantly notice every blemish on her body, feel compelled to make a comment. SHUT YOUR FACE. Seriously. Say nothing.

Here’s why I recommend silence when it comes to directly discussing her weight:

1. She already knows about the weight gain – Telling her that you noticed the change in her body won’t go over well…especially since you’re probably not good about noticing positive details.

2. It’s probably not something she wants – There’s a reason “Biggest Gainer” with Roseanne Barr as the outspoken eating coach is not a hit TV show. Most people would like to lose a bit of weight and chances are that your lady is feeling a bit frustrated and powerless over her body right now.

When you criticize her body, you criticize her at what can often be a very emotionally-charged and intensely personal level of her identity.

Not sure what I mean? Example: If she suggested that you try out a new penis-enl@rgement medication, how would you feel? C’mon! She’s just making a helpful suggestion about something she knows you’d like to change! Get my drift? Good. Continue Reading

Are you good at choosing great music to play during dates? Perhaps you’re a whiz at making playlists or rocked the mix tapes back in the day? I need your help.

I first encountered the idea of a song incorporating a “message” when a friend of my father told me that rock music contained secret messages from Satan. I was 10 at the time and thought it was odd that Satan hadn’t chosen an older genre to share his message. Years later, I found out about another kind of musical message. Instead of grumbling in the background like beelzebub, this message was one of affection shared through normal songs grouped together into a mix.

If it weren’t for the message in the mix, would I have listened to 43 uninterrupted minutes of Mariah Carey with two versions of “You’ll always be my baby”? Of course not. I was listening because she, the one who burnt the CD and wrote my name on the cover with a sharpie, had said something with her choice of songs. (I later realized that if it takes a girl 43 minutes of Mariah Carey to say something, her conflict resolution style might leave something to be desired.)

Here’s where I need some help: In your experience, what are the best songs to say the following things?

1. I’m really glad to be here with you.
2. I’m sorry.
3. I like you a lot (the type that leads to conversations and buddy hugs)
4. Let’s do it!
5. I like you a lot (like, as in the type that leads to fluid exchanges)

If you’d like to add more messages or just explain what your favorite mix selections mean, that’d be great, too!

Update: Thanks to Melanie for making sense of the song order! =)

What are the best songs to play during a date?

Photo: julianne hyde, emma kate

I need your help!

Hi! I’ve (Seth) decided to begin answering relationship questions more often here on The Dating Papers. Some, like the one in this post, might fall into an area where you have experience and/or expertise. If that’s the case, please, please chime in with your thoughts and advice. All I ask is that you maximize positive support and minimize judgement. None of us know each other well enough to criticize effectively but our humanity should be reason enough to empathize as best we can.

I’ll post questions as they’re sent in (a few at a time if need be) in the hope that we can offer some real-life advice and support to those readers who take the time to reach out. I’ll contact the individuals who submitted questions as posts go live in the hope that they’ll take a moment to read and perhaps give some more context to their questions. Obviously, I can’t make any promises. I’m hopeful that this will be a positive experience for everyone involved. Thanks for your efforts to prove my hope worthwhile!

Now, for the question!
Joe wrote in:

I am currently comming out of a 7 year marriage, were the decision to end it was a mutual decision. We both have just come to the conclusion that we are not right for each other. Yet at the same time I can’t seem to get over things with her. We have not even signed the papers yet she is allready dating one of her friends. I don’t want her back, but I can’t seem to let go of the idea that she is dating someone else so soon and a friend of ours on top of that. Well ex friend for me now.

Hi Joe,

You’ve put 7 years of your life into a relationship with this woman. A mutual decision to formally end your relationship doesn’t lessen the time invested nor make it easy to see her moving on so quickly! I can’t imagine the brackish rush of emotions you’re experiencing at any given moment. What I can do is offer you a few simple thoughts and put your question to some readers who have experienced a divorce (perhaps recently) and can offer you some personal encouragement!

First, you’re in a time of great transition. Don’t expect to find a happiness solution overnight or grow despondent because you occasional grovel in despair or self-loathing. You’re most likely experiencing a lot of different emotions. Go ahead and feel them. Experience them. Then set them aside.

How can you do that? The best way to push away your unhappiness and confusion is to help others bring sense to their own lives. Volunteer for a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. If you live in the city and know people who struggle to make ends meet, spend some time helping them! In helping others, it’s often that we discover the simplest way to help ourselves. It also seems to put things in better perspective when we are in close proximity to the suffering and strength of others. Get close to people who are struggling and work to help them.

At minimum, you’ll have less time to sit home and watch TV with your thoughts!

I could go on but I think I’ve given you a good starting point. I’d also like to let the readers sound in with their advice and support for you. Sound good? I hope so!

Reader, what advice do you have for Joe? I’m sending him an email shortly se he knows to swing by to read your answers. Thank you!

Note: Comment moderation is turned on. Once you’ve had a comment approved, subsequent comments will show up immediately. I apologize for the inconvenience and thank you again for your input!

Photo: Bichuas, cio de foto

I recently asked the following question on Twitter:

“Married Peeps: What 140 characters of advice would you give to a single guy/gal who thinks “this one” might be “THE one”? Thanks!”

The responses were thoughtful, heartfelt, and humorous at times. I’ve placed the best answers below for you to peruse and perhaps even learn something from. Enjoy!

“Establish that your values are mostly similar & your opinions mostly different—& keep it that way.” – Daniel Thurston

“There is no ‘the one.’ But the one you choose for life becomes the one. Advice- Treat her like the one, and make yourself the two!” -Jay Brock

“New serious couples should discuss/weigh the big things (kids, church, money, heritage). It’s not all about romance.” - Dave Peckens

“My advice – There’s no “think.” You feel or you know, but thinking gets you in trouble.” - Ray Hartjen

“Advice: Give it a yr or 2 & have UR own lives.Focus on character, similar interests, how look at $/religion and values>then vows.” -Stacey Ross

“Don’t hyphenate when you marry! If she is the one, you still have to work at letting her know that, year after year.” – Rob Kerley

“Have you had a real fight? If not start one. If so, can you do it with love and respect? If not, wait until you can!” – Jesse Friedman

“What do you know about his/her childhood? family issues — and relationship w/siblings & live parents — will impact marriage. Dysfunctional family relationships in potential spouse not a deal breaker. But go in w/eyes open.” - Sarah Gilbert

“If you “think” they are the one, then they are not. When you know, you know.” – Michel Fortin

“Can you take a week-long vacay with her and not get into any blow-out-type fights? If yes, you’re well on your way.” - Arik Hanson

“Have patience. If you don’t have it, learn it. and if you have it, get more.” - Justin Parks

“Marriage is 10% bliss and 90% forgiveness of the other person’s shortcomings. Hard work but worth it.” - Nictos

“[you'll need (to be)] Sense of humor; thoughtfulness; supportive; understanding; be impressed by each other; unconditional trust; separate bank accounts.” – Teri Rehkopf

“If she doesn’t help inspire you each day, she’s not the one. Just working on 34 years, tho, so could be something different.” - Michael Whitlow

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did. If some bit of advice resonated with you, take a moment to get in touch with the author (names link to websites) and say thanks!

If you’ve got a bit of advice you’d like to add, share it in a comment. Thank you!

Seth

Inspirational Advice On Relationships & Marriage From Twitter | The Dating Papers

Photo credit: adwriter, is katz, skedonk, carlos nicora, theerin, fotorita, mad mannequin,

Guys, this one’s for you:

Ladies, how would you respond if a guy you liked wrote and performed the following song for you?

I’m guessing you’d love it. Perhaps you’ve never played Mario Kart and have no idea about how much of a gift it is for somebody to take a blue shell for you. Chances are you might not dig silly yarn mustaches or even like guitars. Even so, you’d love it if a guy wrote and performed a song about how much he likes you in terms of Mario Kart. Right?

Guys, here’s why:

1. Because effort counts

Simply trying to make her happy counts for a lot. You don’t have to place your finger on the pulse of a woman’s soul in order to bring a smile to her face. Just be creative and put your heart into the effort. That said, building a 50ft tall statue of Vladimir Putin out of marshmallows in the name of love is just weird. A good rule of thumb is to keep it simple and as personal as possible. She’ll see how much you care!

2. Because embarrassment matters

“Putting yourself out there” counts for a lot in every relationship. Being vulnerable is scary stuff and it means a lot when you risk embarrassment in order to prove your affection for her. That said, if there’s a chance that she’ll be embarrassed as well, change your plans. There’s a difference between letting a woman know you care about her and singing a song at her birthday party about how good she is in bed. (Although I know a few women who’d love that.) Only throw caution to the wind where you’re sure it won’t blow right back into your face.

3. Because intent always wins

If your effort fails and you embarrass everybody involved, don’t worry. Intent has the final word. “I was only trying to make you happy,” if it’s genuine, is one of the only phrases in the English language that will earn you instant forgiveness for idiotic behavior.

You might not be talented, athletic, or even very creative. That’s okay. If she knows you at all, she’ll already know your limitations and appreciate the effort you’ve put into making her happy. Get out there and make some smiles!

Ladies, did you like the video? Has a guy ever done something really crazy just to show you he cared? Tell us about it!

Guys, when was the last time you risked life, limb, or pride to show a lady how much she meant to you? What did you do?

Thanks for sharing!

Seth

The Importance of Being Earnest | The Dating Papers

photo credit: ilovetrance

What dating advice would you give to a guy who’s so shy that he never gets past “hello, my name is…” with a girl? Nicholas recently wrote in with this question:

Seth,
I recently approached a girl that I’ve been crushing on for the past month or so. I was really nervous and out of my element. I’m sure she picked up on it but I’m not sure if she was in to me. We have exchanged looks, and recently names, for a while now but she still remains a mystery. We work in the same mall and I think she’s about my age (23). What do I do and more importantly how do I know if I should keep talking to her? I’m American and she’s Israeli by the way. Thanks!

Nicholas

Hi Nicholas!

I’m sure others will have more to add but here’s my $.02 worth of dating advice:

You’ve barely talked to this girl and yet you’re asking if it’s time to give up? Come on, Nicholas! You can’t give up yet!

Three quick things about relationships: Continue Reading