One recent Thanksgiving conversation with my uncles turned to desperately racist jokes. Always game for discussion, I called my uncle out on his joke. His response? “I’m the most tolerant person you’ll ever meet.” I’ve continued to think about his response and how, to him, being tolerant was enough.
If you want to build relationships that are structured to be rewarding in the long term, you’ll learn to be more than tolerant. You’ll learn to accept.
Tolerance has been tossed around a lot in recent years as political, religious, and racial groups discuss how others must tolerate differing agendas, beliefs, and cultures. But toleration brings with it the idea that what you’re tolerating is something inferior. You might tolerate a differing opinion, or you could accept it as an idea while choosing to disagree with it. See the difference? To illustrate:
I had already been on a few dates with a woman named Lauren. She was great to talk to, we laughed at the same things, and generally enjoyed each other’s company. As the old saying goes, “things led on to things” and, one evening at my apartment, clothes started coming off. As I started to lift her shirt, she quietly asked me to stop.
photo by cristinasnyder
Upon questioning, she revealed that she had significant scarring on her upper body that she was extremely self-conscious of and that historically, guys had seen it as a huge turn-off. It was a moment where choice of words meant everything.
“What if I were blind?” I asked. “Would I find you sexy?”
“Oh, I suppose. Do you want to be blind?” She ventured.
I moved to turn the lights off.
“I feel pretty blind right now.” I said through the darkness.
She giggled and reached for me.
Later, the lights came on and it turned out her scarring wasn’t nearly as bad as she’d made it out to be. The gentle lines I’d felt came from skin grafts she’d needed after a bad car accident. The resulting joke was that she’d had bionic arms installed. As we continued to discover things about each other, her brave revelation of physical scars set a precedent for all of our discussions.
When you set about removing the layers that make up a person, you will always discover things that you initially find new, different, and even disturbing or revolting. Keep in mind that the other person probably already knows the nature of what you’ve uncovered and is waiting to see how you respond. Build habits of acceptance instead of tolerance. Those habits will allow you to honestly learn about others instead of creating lists of dislikes that eventually grow into massively bitter creatures.
As you come across new or differing concepts and opinions, consider meeting them with acceptance and contemplation instead of tolerance. You’ll find that people will quickly open up to you. Dates will be more rewarding, and existing relationships will find better footing.
Have a wonderful week!
Seth
You know, it seems like what you did would be pretty easy for any thinking** person. Being accepting in such a case clearly paid off for you. The problem with most cases like your uncle’s racism is that it’s not immediately obvious how being “accepting” would benefit him. He might be interested in more than tolerance if he could see how he’d get something from it. Sorry to be such a cynic, but…
**Of course few people are able to think well in such situations.
Amazing how progressive people who tout their “tolerance” feel while to the “tolerated” party it feels belittling and deeply condescending.
Tolerance is a topic I was just covering with a client yesterday! In my client’s religious upbringing, she was encouraged to be tolerant, and yet as an adult she’s discovered that that’s not an ideal to shoot for.
Coaches are trained to help clients achieve a “toleration free zone” – where there are no tolerations whatsoever in life.
Thanks for leading the way, my friend.
Jeannette
Rhonda: I think you’re right in that “acceptance” of a physical insecurity just to get laid is something most are capable of. But it wasn’t about sex. I didn’t include it in the post, but I didn’t actually sleep with Lauren until much later in our relationship. That night was about more than sex because it became intensely cerebral once she shared her scars. I was hoping to illustrate a situation where two people say “I refuse to discredit you or your ideas because of any differences we might have.” The result was a mutual understanding that flowed through into the rest of our relationship.
I can only hope that my uncles realize that change has so many benefits. You ALWAYS gain something when you engage in honest discourse on a topic.
Pansy: Yes! The taste of toleration I’ve had really turned me off to using it as part of my life. It’s often extremely fake.
Jeannette: The religious upbringing I had knew very little of tolerance. Like Pansy remarks; those who wanted to feel extremely progressive chose to “tolerate” different ideas and even some faiths while constantly reinforcing the idea that tolerating something didn’t mean they accepted it!
I’m so glad your training included ways to approach tolerance! I know so many people who have such long lists of things they are tolerating about their SigOt that it’s only a matter of time before bitterness breaks out.
Thanks for your comments! Seth
loved this post. try to live my life under these terms (acceptance, not tolerance). thanks very much.
Hi Jackie!
Thanks for stopping by. Trying to live with the intent to accept instead of tolerate can be a difficult thing but I know the rewards are boundless!
Good luck!
Seth
Acceptance over tolerance is key. And you made a good choice there. Some people aren’t as quick to make a judgment call like that and you came through.
We all should learn from this simple yet highly ignored thinking.
Thanks for stopping by, Thomas! It always ends up being the highly ignored simple things that might make the biggest difference, doesn’t it?
Seth
Finally, SOMEONE “gets it”.
Thanks for the clarity on the topic, Seth. You couldn’t have been more dead on target. I have witnessed so many relationships lead to failure when a “SigOt” tolerates another instead of accepting them as they are.
As you conveyed, we know where that statistically can lead – “bitterness” and immense distance within what was once a very strong, almost “spiritual” connection.
I do hope more read this (perhaps more than once) and become to realize the benefits that can be gained from Acceptance. With learned or experiential behavior traits, it is difficult for most, but so much worth our time and analysis.
“Build habits of acceptance instead of tolerance.” Worth repeating!!
Look within, study yourself and accept others – make a choice to disagree, not merely “tolerate”.
Change “can” occur, but the pain in getting there and the toll on a relationship can be more than both and most can handle.
hmmm…, some reading this small comment will think “not always”, yes, yes, a certain foundation of understanding and learning can be an outcome, but you have to decide for yourself if it is truly what you want??
Sorry, for rambling…but you got me fired up on a topic that eats at a majority of relationships and is merely glossed over in most training/educational atmospheres.
cheers!
Scott
Scott:
Thank you for your comment.
Even when it’s all laid out clear as day and you know the right thing to do, isn’t it just so difficult to make the leap sometimes?
I am delighted that you were able to connect with what I said about the importance of acceptance. Your comments make the process of taking the big concepts out of my head and stuffing them into 500word jars all the more rewarding. Thanks for reading!
Seth
You are awesome.
LOVE your blog. Seriously. Nice work.
Totally wondering though – have you ever dated a single mom?
MSM:
1. Thank you!
2. I’m glad you like it!
3. Yes. What would you like to know?
I’m being vague, sure, but you bring up a great topic and I think you might have specific questions. Try me!
Best to you!
Seth
Let’s save your answers for a post on my blog – what do you say? I think our readers would get along. E-mail me…
MSM: I like your style. I’ll shoot you an email and see if we can’t come up with something!
Seth
loved this. you actually make me hopeful and more optimistic that there are more guys out there who are similar to you… that shouldn’t be taken the wrong way, I am not becoming your stalker. But I must admit I’ve developed a bad attitude about men in general; feeling like there are only a few good ones out there…. etc.
It’s refreshing to hear the male perspective in this format, I will defiantly return for more posts. Cheers, jb
Hi Jackie!
I’m not worried about stalkers. =P It can be very easy to develop a case of jadedness after a few relationships don’t pan out and multiple dates end in disappointment.
I know for a fact that there are lots of guys in the world like me. Sometimes you just have to be patient and give them time to let the good parts shine through. There’s a lot of societal pressure for guys to do things a certain way…and it takes time if you’re hoping for something different.
I’m glad we’re able to connect. I look forward to chatting with you in the future! =)
Seth