There are many lists of suggested presents for “that person” in your life this holiday season. I don’t have one. If you are interested in discovering gifts that bring the most satisfaction to the recipient, this is for you.
The trick is to give presents that provide sustainable value beyond the money and effort put into the gift.
When you’re deciding on a gift for a SigOt, consider the following:
- Does this gift reflect how well I know the recipient? Grandparents are infamous for taking this idea to a particular extreme by giving things like underwear and socks. Sure, you might need them, but do you really want to receive them as a gift? Probably not. Be conscious of what is functional and what is practical. Do what you can to avoid the latter unless you’ve been asked specifically for something.
- Will this gift tell the recipient how much I appreciate them multiple times? Admit it, when we give a gift it’s nice to be recognized for our action. There are few things more satisfying than observing a recipient”s reaction to a well-planned present. Make your SigOt’s day for many days to come with a present that has lasting quality! For example, if she has always liked horses, giving her a Clydesdale sculpted out of ice is really lovely but buying her riding lessons at a nearby stable will earn you continuous credit.
- Does this gift place an innacurate value on my relationship with the recipient? Make a quick note of where you stand in your relationship and hold it in your mind. Are you purchasing a bathrobe for the woman you tell others you’d give your life for? Is the woman you’re buying the tennis bracelet for a brand new girlfriend?In the first instance, you are assuming an extremely low value on the relationship and probably deserve the doghouse. In the second, you’ve put a lot of value on a relationship headed in a direction you can’t possibly know yet!
Use this as a starting point, not an endgame. Only you know all the details needed to choose a gift that will provide lasting value for her! The vacuum cleaner has long been on the list of taboo Christmas gifts for a woman, yet I know many who would love a Kitchen Aid mixer!
Avoid gifts she’ll respond to with “Did you give me this because you think I’m fat/stupid/dirty/smelly/old/or unfashionable?” This includes gym memberships or equipment, those horrible “bath sets,” gift certificates for wrinkle treatment, and makeover sessions.
In these tight times, you might not be able to buy your long-time love that beautiful necklace. But you could agree to wholeheartedly give up an argument you’ve been stubborn about. You might not have the funds to take your new girlfriend skiing for the weekend, but you could plan a fun day together. In the land of relationships, creativity and passion will always be king.
That said, be ready to receive some ill-considered presents this holiday season. Your grandparents might give you their 1960’s era Kelvinator fridge because they heard you need one. Your girlfriend might actually buy you a paisley tie. Remember, when you react badly to a gift, you are saying that you don’t care for the best efforts of the giver. Be careful with that!
How are you giving differently this holiday season?
Best to you!
Seth
Photo by Redjar
Very timely post Seth! I am currently in the position of buying presents for two guys I don’t know really well. I want to get something thoughtful but that doesn’t say “too” much. Great “food for thought”. Oh wow – is it lunchtime?
Thanks for the thoughtful post, Seth. I just have one small thing to add and it kind of goes against something you said, but not REALLY. One of my favorite things to give or receive is tickets to an event (concert, play, opera, etc) that I know my SigOt will love. It won’t last long(much like your ice sculpture) but it’s a memory we will of doing something meaningful and fun together. Memories last a lot longer than any trinket or bauble.
SG1: Buying thoughtful gifts for people you don’t know well can be a real challenge! Remember, there’s nothing wrong with doing your homework and asking around to find out what sort of things/activities they lean toward! A thoughtful present need not be expensive to be meaningful!
Yes, food for thought always makes me hungry too!
SG2: Sure, it might not “last” as long but you’re participating in an activity that will provide lasting enjoyment in the form of memories.
I think sports/concert tickets are a great idea and an easy “win” for the enthusiasts you know! In addition, for many guys, buying tickets and then actually going to an opera adds to the original gift. Something about enduring something in order to bring pleasure to another really rings true with most people.
Best to you!
Seth
I find that most guys have trouble with gift-giving. Often being too over-the-top or completely underwhelming and impersonal, as you described. Personally, I am a big fan of thoughtfulness – whether that means you spent a lot or not. Regardless of how far along you are in a relationship, thoughtfulness always counts and will ALWAYS score points with a women. I find books or CD’s are a good way to express this when it’s someone you don’t want/need/are able to spend a lot of $$ on. Not just any best seller, but something you know will tie in directly to their interests. A first edition or box set takes things one step further. I’ve almost never had a bad reaction to these gifts. Can work especially well during the wooing stage. Men, pay attention to a woman’s offhanded comments. This gesture will come back to you in spades. It shows you LISTEN and PAY ATTENTION. Two things we can’t get enough of.
Secondly, for guys who don’t have a lot of $$, cook dinner for your girl. This really goes a long way with us as it shows many important strategies went into effect – menu planning, shopping, cooking, and wine selection. But, key here is not to forget the cleanup. It’s a must. All may be undone if you ask her to do the dishes.
LuckyChica
LC: Books and CD’s are a great idea! Giving a present that shows you’ve been paying attention to what a person enjoys reading and listening to is always a good idea!
I adore you for your reminder to clean up after making dinner for one’s SigOt! Making a point to clean as-you-go makes final clean-up simple and leaves you free for anything else that might happen after dinner!
Thanks for stopping by!
Seth
I’ve always had good experiences giving gifts from the “thoughtful” camp, as well. I’d urge females to stay away from giving gifts that are “thoughtful but urging” though, such as gifts relating to an action your SO has yet to take, but has been talking about for a bit. Unless of course, they specifically ask for a gift relating to that particular subject! (For example, getting a new job, going back to school, etc.)
I appreciate thoughtful gifts over expensive gifts every day
Great post, Seth! LuckyChica has it spot on. I agree that it isn’t the magnitude of the gift, but the magnitude of the thoughtfulness. It’s an amazing moment when you receive a gift from someone and really feel like they are making an effort to know what you are into.
Katie: Thanks for your input! Yes, thoughtful creativity goes a long way toward amazing presents! I like that you reiterate my point on suggestive presents for the guys. If he can say “what, you think I’m fat/stupid/ugly/dumb” in response to your gift, you’ve seriously struck out!
Emee: So many people give up on the thoughtfulness and try to make up for it with spending money. Hopefully the tighter economy will give us all reason to give better gifts? Tell your man I said to plan an amazing evening out on the town for you two. You deserve it!
Best to you!
Seth
Lovely post. Thoughtfulness is primary in gift-giving. But I especially love your note about rejecting the gift is rejecting the best effort of the giver. We must look beyond the gift to the thought in the heart of the bestower. Merry Christmas.
We’re talking all things romance at the Dr. Romance blog.
The best gift I ever got my husband was my permission to go on a ski trip–and it wasn’t because the trip itself was expensive and cool, but because he’d asked every day for a year to go on one, and every day for a year I’d told him “when hell freezes over.” The look on his face when he saw the voucher + ski gloves (which he returned because they weren’t the type he likes) was priceless. Sometimes the best gift is a gesture rather than a thing.
@Alisa: That is so sad. I can’t believe that your husband needs “permission” to go on a ski trip. Even worse that you consider giving him the permission a “gift.”
Tina: Thanks for your visit and kind words! Yes, the spirit of the holiday that knows nothing of race, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation certainly comes to life when we place value on the people and not just the material gifts they bring!
Alisa: I’m assuming that you and your husband make financial decisions together? If you didn’t know what type of ski gloves he likes I’d also assume that you don’t enjoy skiing or at least have never been with him. I think it’s great that you were able to finally embrace his passion.
I think Hammer, independent chap that he his, simply takes issue with the word: “permission.” I’m pretty sure your husband wants to go skiing. Not just get away from you! =)
Thanks for your comments!
Seth
I absolutely take issue with the word permission. She says that it wasn’t because the trip was expensive and cool. I think that this whole premise of asking is ridiculous to begin with. He should TELL her that he’s going on a ski trip and ASK her if she would like to come along.
Great article, Seth! Cool thing is that your suggestions are great even if you don’t have an SigOt in your life a the moment – they are great for gifts for friends and family also and for anytime, not just Christmas.
Just want to add that one gift that should always be avoided is the gift that is really for you, not the recipient! I just loved it when my kids’ dad gave me power tools for Christmas when we were married- NOT!
Hammer: There’s only one thing I’d add to what you present as the optimal way for one partner to approach another when it comes to single-interest activities: when two people deeply respect each other and place themselves in a position to accept or deny “permission” careful navigation is a must!
I would hope that Alisa wasn’t misusing her partner’s respect by saying “no” to the ski trip for petty or mindless reasons. This scenario comes up often in relationships when partners use sex as a weapon against each other. But that’s an entire post of it’s own!
Hi Juliet! Yes! Giving a gift that is really just something you’d like isn’t a gift at all. It does not matter how expensive a present is if you’ve not put thought into choosing it.
Best to you!
Seth
After years of giving each other EXACTLY what had been requested, I finally got my late husband’s family to each make a list of at least 5-10 things they would like. That way, everyone was assured of getting something they liked, while still being surprised.
The other thing about giving an expensive gift to someone new is that you could send up warning flags. Maybe you’re rushing things, or maybe you’re not good at knowing what’s appropriate, too interested in showing off your income generating abilities, or not careful enough with your cash/credit. That can be spooky.
PS:
The difference between a vacuum and a Kitchen Aid mixer is that the vacuum is associated with drudgery. If you enjoy cooking, getting a Kitchen Aid mixer is like getting the Ferrari of mixers – it’s a gadget thing, not a drudgery thing.
Absolutely great tips! I actually realized years later as a grown up, how important and great a gift of underwear really was
Robyn: I’m sorry about your loss. I think it’s awesome that you’ve brought some of the intrigue and suspense back into your holiday gift-giving tradition though! Thanks for the caution about giving an expensive present too early in a relationship! Spooky indeed.
Bobby: Yes. Giving underwear as a present takes on a whole new meaning as an adult. I’ll have to post on that, I suppose? =)
Best to you!
Seth
Seth you have been around the block a bit or are graced with great wisdom. I unfortunately had to learn the hard way on gift giving, but more importantly on gift receiving.
Thanks for following me on twitter, this may just be the best “refresher course on giving” I needed to get again.
AZMike
This is a thoughtful post. I’ve just recently reminded myself of the difference between gifts and presents. It’s so easy to get caught up in all of the craziness and lose sight of things this time of year. To me, a gift is a voluntary act which does not require anything in return, no expectations. Something you want to give someone else out of kindness, with thought behind it. A present is expected and something you typically give out of obligation, such as a birthday present or a Christmas name draw, or exchanging presents, etc.{That’s not to say that one doesn’t put thought into a present}.
I’m glad I came across your blog {from you following me on Twitter}.
Azmike: Oh, don’t think for a second that I didn’t get beat up before I got to where I am. I’m just as guilty of giving ridiculous presents as the next guy. I’ve made a point to learn from the disappointed looks and sideways glances at ill-considered gifts and make better decisions the next time around. It’s a journey!
Mrs. Cox: Thanks for visiting! You’re right. It is so very easy to get caught up in the craziness and forget what the gifts are supposed to be about. Just because a holiday has been commercialized beyond what we’d like is no reason to neglect thoughtful and passionate participation!
Best to you!
Seth
Seth, I hate gifts that are simply purchased. The best gifts are those that people have thought about. I value a home cooked meal, a hug, and a massage more than any material possession. Moving away from purchased gifts would be a wonderful trend and also bring out the creativity in people.