It was our fourth date when Coleen popped the question. She was smart, funny, beautiful, and confident of her talents. We’d had a lot of fun hanging out and I, classy dude that I am, hadn’t pushed for anything physical… yet.

Coleen just had something about her that said, “don’t touch me quite yet” that I figured was a good idea to respect.

That changed when she slipped from her side of the table in the softly lit corner of the restaurant and scooted into the seat beside me. (Irish pub, booths, yep.)

I thought, “Yes! She’s finally over whatever is bothering her. Snog time!”

Instead, she leaned toward me, paused, and popped the question:

Would you freak out if I told you I had two kids?

I didn’t freak out. I don’t have a problem with kids and see no reason why a person should treat another poorly for having given birth.

The thing that bothered me was Coleen’s timing in waiting so long to tell me that she had two enormous commitments chilling with a babysitter at home.

I was annoyed that she hadn’t told me right away. When I asked her about the delay she said only that she hadn’t wanted to scare me away and that her friends had said I’d be cool with it if I really liked her.

I wasn’t interested.

Looking back, I wonder if I did the right thing? On what date should a single mom admit to having kids? Was Coleen right to wait so long to tell me about her kids?

I asked some friends for their input:

Seth said,

“She should tell him about her kids right around the same time she’d like him to tell her if he’s a registered sex offender.”

Emma said,

“I think she should tell him once she’s sure she likes him. It’s the difference between inviting somebody to a party in college and inviting them home for Thanksgiving. It’s important to get to know the guy a little bit before you spring potentially life-altering news on him.”

Amelia took some pot shots at Coleen’s garment choices (long story) before remarking,

“It seems like dating as a single mom would be something like dating when you’re HIV-positive. You know, you’ve got this thing that would scare most guys away but you’re hoping that you’ll somehow meet one who wants to be with you no matter what and will understand why you didn’t tell him sooner. It’s a big deal to have kids. You have to protect them while trying to be open to a new person. I think Coleen probably liked you a lot and perhaps that’s why she waited so long to tell you about her kids. I don’t know. I don’t have kids. That’s how I’d approach it if I did, I think. I’d wait, perhaps quite a few dates.”

Now I’m not sure what to think. If Seth was just being dramatic with his line about the sex offender (a real possibility) then it seems I may have been wrong in discounting Coleen for waiting to tell me about her kids.

What do you think? Ladies? How long do you think it’s okay for a single mom to wait before telling her date she’s got kids? Gents, how soon would you like to know if the lady you’re dating has done more than just test her baby maker?

If I was wrong (and it seems I may have been) I’m game for giving Coleen a call and apologizing for being an ape. Was I wrong?

Thanks for your input!

Simon

Image: Photogratree

When Should A Single Mom Tell Her Date She Has Kids?

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I recently had a girlfriend ask me for advice. A guy she met through work asked her if she’d meet up with him for dinner at a new restaurant opening in his neighborhood.

There’s just one issue: The guy seems pretty interested but my girlfriend isn’t especially attracted to him. I see two options for her:

1. She asks if it’s okay if a friend comes along. (kinda smarmy – I know)
2. She tells him that she’s not on the market right now but that she’d love to hang out and will quiz him a bit because she knows some available hotties that she might be able to hook him up with.

I like the latter best.

What do you think? I told her I’d have awesome advice for her before she sees him on Monday. Will you help?

Thank you!

Emma

Image: Cia de photo

How Do You Tell a Guy Who’s Asked You On A Date That You’ll Go, But Only As Friends?

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Instead of griping that you don’t have a darling to risk purchasing the wrong gifts for, why not take some time this holiday to give yourself some needed “me-time”?

With the assumption that you’re taking at least basic care of your body, here are 5 ways you can improve the way you treat your inner self over the coming weeks (and beyond):

1. Make a pact. Find a good friend you can call whenever you’re feeling an urge to call one of your exes. Agree to make time for their call when it comes as they’ll do for you. This trick has saved me from following through on numerous bad decisions that could have really brought a lot more pain into my life. Walking in the woods on a snowy Christmas eve by yourself? Call your friend. Just a moment or two of conversation will do a lot to help you kick your mood and get back to the fun stuff.
2. Seek out sustainable friendships. If you’ve only got time for quick phone calls and a get-together every few weeks, find people who understand your schedule and are glad to get what time they can from you. Trying to maintain relationships with time-hungry people will leave you feeling like you’re a bad friend. The reverse applies. If you’ve got lots of time, don’t chase the jet-set!
3. Say “I Love You” to the people you love but aren’t sleeping with. Write yourself a note, whatever it takes to build “I love you” into your vocabulary so that when it comes time to say “I love you” it’ll come off your tongue easily. This is especially useful when you’re trying to tell somebody you know very well but aren’t yet sleeping with how you feel and that you’d like to change things!
4. Practice Gratefulness. Get into the habit of showing appreciation for things. The more you do it, the more things you’ll notice that you appreciate! Simon goes into more detail on this concept in his thanksgiving post on gratefulness (I hope you’ll check it out!). Life seems so much richer when you’re looking for good things.
5. Be Selfish. That’s right, start making choices that will send you into the coming year with a smile on your face. Is there something you’ve been wanting to do for years but haven’t made the time for? Make it a priority. Can’t make it to a friend’s party because you’d miss a tutoring session with your Tagalog instructor? Your friend will forgive you and love you more for being a leader and seeking to fulfill your dreams!

What about you? Have you come across any tips or tricks to help singles navigate the holidays with comfort and joy? Drinking heavily spiked eggnog and watching reruns is NOT an option!

Happy Holidays!

Seth

Image: Ahmed, Rodrigo Moraes

Single People: 5 Ways to Treat Yourself Better This Holiday Season

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The Four Seasons of a Relationship

Spring - In the spring of a relationship, we experience the thrill of discovery, obsession, and emotional (and often, physical) penetration that precedes new growth and attachments. Springtime offers a mad rush of delightful sensations. Remember what it feels like to touch someone for the first time? The easy laughter when you got tangled in your own shirt?

Most of us are good at dealing with springtime in our relationships. We forget our past unhappiness and revel in rediscovered emotions. Springtime is easy.

Summer – In the summertime, we get into the nitty gritty of growing a relationship. We might have a few dry spells (you know what I’m talking about) and some scorching hot days (unless you’re both the silent types) but the majority of time is spent fostering real growth in the relationship. The first days of summer are much like those of a regular season. We rejoice in the rapid growth of the relationship and delight in continual discoveries as conversation runs deeper.

Summer isn’t all fun though. As the days wear on, we begin to realize the–sometimes crippling–truth that Summer never lasts forever. Do you remember the first time you realized you offended your partner but decided it wasn’t worth bringing up to apologize for? That was the last day of summer in your relationship.

Autumn – After the last day of summer, a relationship grows colder with each passing day. For those with intense personalities and a low tolerance for conflict, spring and summer may take just a few months and autumn signals the end of the relationship. For those who handle conflict with more aplomb or are simply able to tolerate more pain, autumn is just the next step in a relationship cycle stereotyped to always end with icy fingers.

This is the time when the tendency to “pick battles” crops up most often (I’ve watched myself do this many times). When confronted with inconsiderate behavior or thoughtless action, the summer self would have immediately shared its discontent and asked for change. Not so now that the leaves have changed. Autumn sees both partners choosing to stifle complaints and file away grievances because anything else might spell a brawl.

Winter – The dreaded winter is the most common season in long-term relationships. Most of my parents’ friends (the ones still together after 30 or more years) live in a constant state of winter. If you ask them about it, their answers are often full of resignation. It’s as if their Narnian state came about through some magic or surprise attack and not deliberate steps.

You know it’s winter in a relationship when partners have no shame in revealing their dislike for each other. Spring’s quick banter turns to icy javelin-throwing and tears are shed alone without explanation. Some people push through wintry days because they have children to care for, a job that takes them away often, or very limited financial options. Others plug away for happier reasons. They insist on there being a way to start a thaw that will cause springtime to return again.

Is there hope for people stuck in perpetual winter? Is there a way for two people who have made a habit of ignoring, hurting, and attacking each other to regain some long-lost joy?

I could offer some formulaic answer. I could throw words in your face as if I knew the answer to this question… but I don’t.

I’d appreciate your contribution. What can you tell me about saving a relationship?

Image: Mathew Fang, Pieter Musterd

The Four Seasons of a Relationship

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Facebook is a great place to be reminded of people you had happily forgotten. For example, I recently received a message from this girl I’d known years and years ago. (Like, when I was 8 years old) She’d apparently gone on a friend-anybody-I-remember-talking-to rampage and had decided to “reconnect” with me. Fair enough.

She asks me about how I’m doing, what I’d been up to, and what I was reading. It just so happened that I’d visited my parents the previous day and flipped through a copy of Martha Stewart Living my mom had left out. There was an image in the magazine of two kids with plaster masks playing in the woods. I have fantastic memories of tromping through the woods with my sister as kids.

So I mentioned this to my new Facebook friend-finder and was taken aback by her response:

She: Umm Martha Stewart?? masks??? are you gay?

Note: I don’t know about Martha Stewart, but masks have a long tradition of use by heterosexual males.

Me: I have a very low tolerance for such questions. I haven’t asked you about your sexuality in any way, shape, or form. Why bring it up? If I were gay, I’d be offended that you used “gay” in a pejorative sense. As it is, I’m just fatigued by the question because I can’t respond with a question in the same vein without being incredibly inappropriate. Savvy?

As to what I meant with, “respond with questions in the same vein…” A question like, “Are you gay?” is, to me, very weighty. I put it in the same category as questions like, “Do you have trouble reaching orgasm?” It’s not a question one asks random people without a lot of previous interaction and certainly is not a question to be asked in jest.

She responded:

She (part I): I’m so sorry. I never meant to offend you. I tease some of my guy friends sometimes when they like things that aren’t so normally guy things (Martha Stewart,masks,etc) but never in a derogatory way. Just teasing, I guess now I will think about how it could effect other people that I don’t know so well.

If I were gay, I’m sure I’d already be accustomed to such short-sighted bias. But I’m not so I found her response infuriating.

She teases guys for liking things outside stereotypical male fascinations? Okay. I understand why she does that. I grew up in the same sort of ultra-conservative household with very strict gender roles. It was just a mistake and she’s going to think about the things she says in the future. Excellent. That’s progress!

But it wasn’t progress. Her conclusion had an entirely different tone:

She (Part II): And by the way just so you don’t think I have something against gays, the guy that does my hair is gay, I think he’s very nice and I don’t condemn him for it. Quite frankly I chose him already knowing he was. I never meant it as any big question regarding your sexuality but even if it was true I would think that having made that decision you would be fully accepting it and not something that you would upset to be asked.

So now it’s up to the recipient of the biased remarks to happily accept them as part of the package? Classy. I hope her stylist shaves her head the next time she goes in for a trim.

What would you say to her? I’m thinking I’ll send her a reply sometime this week.

Live ferociously… and don’t let your friends get away with saying stupidly biased things!

Simon

Image: Darwin Bell

RT @datingpapers So there IS such a thing as a stupid question: Are You Gay?

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Emotional twists and turns, lost sleep, and late night cereal laughed out the nose are in your future. But what about breakfast in bed, Sunday snuggles on the couch, and surprise embraces that escalate into neighbor-worrying frolic? It takes a bit more time, care, and whimsy to consistently squeeze such joy out of a relationship.

Here are five concepts that have consistently brought joy (and, you know, other things ^^) to my relationships:

1. The Toilet Seat Matters

You’ve heard about arguments that started because the toilet seat was left up? First, nobody argues about toilet seats. They argue because they feel ignored, annoyed, and under-serviced.

Here’s a quick fix: Implement a house rule that the toilet lid will be placed in a closed position after each use.

This is a good idea for two reasons:

1. It’s something girls AND boys have to do – No more yelling at the boy because he didn’t put the seat down when he finished doing his fireman dance. If everybody has to put the lid down, then the toilet seat is no longer something to argue about.
2. It’s sanitary – The toilet lid keeps things from falling in and reduces the amount of yickety bits that get into the air you breathe. Think if it this way: If you kept a bucket of poop in your kitchen, wouldn’t you want the lid shut? Unless you disinfect your toilet with each use (which we know you don’t) then you’ve essentially got a poop bucket in your house. Put a lid on it!

Make a game of it if you like. Whoever leaves the toilet open has to clean the bathroom, perhaps? Games involving household chores can be a very, very good thing.

2. Bring Attention To Things You Care About

Make a deal with your housemate/lover/soul mate/spouse/tenant to bring attention to things you’ve done that you’d like thanks, praise, or acknowledgement for. What? You expect your partner to just notice things? That might last for a few weeks, or even months. Eventually, dear idealist, you will see the sense of my words.

This one takes two to play, but the results tend to be pretty dramatic.

For example, let’s say you get home from work early and decide to give the fridge a good scrubbing. It’s shiny, smells like lemon cleaner, and the butter is actually in the butter cubby in the fridge door. You’ve done a bang-up job!

Does your partner notice when it/she/he/roar walks in after a particularly bad day at work? Not naturally, no. However, if you agreed previously to bring attention to things you care about, you’ll point out that you scrubbed the fridge. Your partner will remember the agreement and thank you for scrubbing the fridge before ordering you upstairs to run a hot bath and make some chocolate-covered strawberries. (I’ve never lived with somebody who did that for me. Bath, yes. Strawberries, check. Both? Nevah.)

Now, if you had asked your partner to scrub the fridge 6 times before said scrubbing took place, it will take some patience and understanding on your part to graciously thank him/her/it/roar for the effort. Stuff your pride back in its box and be thankful. If you’re lucky, your partner won’t mock you for leaving the toilet lid up as you clean the bathroom for the fifth week in a row!

3. No News is Not Good News

This is a simple one. As you grow accustomed to sharing space and interacting regularly with this creature you once found adorable, you’ll probably begin to avoid certain conversations under the guise of “picking battles.” You might think you’re doing a good thing for your relationship, but it’s unlikely that holding back your feelings and keeping silent will do anything but steal more joy from your life.

Surprise! It’s also very likely that your partner is doing the exact same thing. Silence on both sides means lots of dead air space around situations and topics that truly deserve your attention and conversation. As such, when your partner says nothing about your new computer, haircut, or sex change, it may be to avoid conflict rather than to bestow approval.

In general, it’s bad to ask questions to which you already know the answer and good to bring up topics you care about even if you must endure a bit of cloudiness before you get your answer. Don’t worry about mishaps. These things take practice! You’ve got time for practice! =)

4. You Must Make Time For Each Other

Sure, you see each other all the time. But how often do you block out the world and look into her/his/its/roar’s eyes as you listen for the tiny lilts and tensions that change the meaning of the words in your conversation? If you’re good at talking, when was the last time you blocked out time in your schedule just to quietly be with the person you love?

You might have painted grand pictures of spontaneity in the magical gallery of your romantic future. If that canvas doesn’t hold up as well as you’d expected, try scheduling time just to spend with your partner. As the saying goes, you can’t have spontaneous kisses in the rainy park if you don’t put walking in the park on your schedule! (Yes, it’s possible that I made up that saying. It still applies!)

5. You’ll Forget If You Don’t Do It Now

“Hey, would you mind helping me with … in a bit?” Is another way of saying, “If I were the type to blatantly order you to do things, I’d have you do this right now. But I’m too nice for that.”

Taking out the trash, giving back rubs, painting toenails, making salad, washing dishes, putting fossil fuels in the guzzler… all are things better done now instead of placed on the precarious shelf of the future.

Bonus Round:  It’s very, very hard to yell at somebody who is washing dishes.

Remember, if you always try to be the first to ask forgiveness, you’re guaranteed to enjoy make-up sex with greater joy and frequency than any of the stodgy grunts who say they know how to pick their battles. Patience, grace, and a fearless desire to make your partner happy are your most valuable tools. Use them well, dear friend!

Would you like to add something I missed or comment on something you found delightful or thought-provoking? Let me know in a comment! Thanks for sharing a bit of your day with me!

Live ferociously!

Simon

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Image: Just.luc,  jorge.miente

5 Things To Know Before You Move In Together

Related posts:

1. The Importance of Being Earnest
2. 5 Things A Man Should Never Criticize A Woman For
3. Too Late For Love – Part 1

Never criticize a woman for…

1. Her Weight

The lightning isn’t striking any closer, your lady’s thighs just have some added thunder. You, being the observant kind of guy who will step over a pair of pants on the bedroom floor for three weeks but instantly notice every blemish on her body, feel compelled to make a comment. SHUT YOUR FACE. Seriously. Say nothing.

Here’s why I recommend silence when it comes to directly discussing her weight:

1. She already knows about the weight gain – Telling her that you noticed the change in her body won’t go over well…especially since you’re probably not good about noticing positive details.

2. It’s probably not something she wants – There’s a reason “Biggest Gainer” with Roseanne Barr as the outspoken eating coach is not a hit TV show. Most people would like to lose a bit of weight and chances are that your lady is feeling a bit frustrated and powerless over her body right now.

When you criticize her body, you criticize her at what can often be a very emotionally-charged and intensely personal level of her identity.

Not sure what I mean? Example: If she suggested that you try out a new penis-enl@rgement medication, how would you feel? C’mon! She’s just making a helpful suggestion about something she knows you’d like to change! Get my drift? Good.

2. Her Makeup

The only type of makeup you need to worry about is the kind you’ll need after she blackens your eye in response to a critique of her makeup.

You’ll need a liquid yellow-based (for black/blue bruise) or light green-based (for yellow/brown bruise – after the black &  blue has healed a bit) concealer as well as a concealer  that matches your normal skin tone.

Use your fingers to gently smooth a layer of the color-based concealer over your bruise and blend outward over a bit of the surrounding skin.

Once the first  coat is dry, apply a layer of your skin-tone concealer over the color-based one. If you want to get really snazzy, a good makeup brush (large circular one, not the fan-shaped or paint brush-like ones) with a bit of powder will help you look like more like a guy who knows when to keep his mouth shut.

(If she actually attacks you violently in response to a comment on her makeup, consider loving somebody else? In the meantime, the black-eye tip works great. Note it well, friend!)

3. Her Family

She didn’t choose the family she was born into (family of origin) and you don’t get a vote in picking the people she’s close to now. (family of choice) Vote NO on criticizing her family because, while you may find them to be all kinds of infuriating, they are a part of what makes her unique. Hate on what makes her unique and–you guessed it–you’re hating on her.

That’s just a dumb way to go about a relationship. (If you didn’t already learn it in college, do a quick search on family of origin vs. choice and get some knowledge!)

4. Her Fashion

Here’s a conversation that probably won’t get you into trouble:

You: “I can think of something that would look much better than that tramp sack you’re wearing.”
Her: “Yeah? What’s that?”
You: “The Michael Kors dress you’d wanted that’s sitting in a bag on your desk, obviously.”

But chances are you don’t know enough about her fashion sense to buy her something she’d really like. There’s also a very good chance that you don’t know much about fashion in general nor do you have a neatly-honed personal sense of style.

As such, it’s best to let her dress as she pleases and make a point to let her know that ‘You’re beautiful” doesn’t depend on what she’s wearing.

5. Her Mood

“Are you on your period?” = One of the quickest ways to push a conversation into idiot territory.

“You look tired” = An easy way to be taken off the “I’d sleep with him, given the chance” list.

“Why are you so grouchy?” = A great way to get an answer that will forever remind you not to ask that question again!

Just as it was with offering criticism to a woman because of her weight, criticising a woman directly because of her mood is a dangerous foray into stating the obvious.

She knows when she’s happy, sad, annoyed, angry, or apathetic. What she might not know is whether or not the things she tries to communicate to you are really making it into your brain. Instead telling her she’s been grouchy lately and you’re tired of it, why not ask her about her life and find out if there’s anything you can do to help reduce her stress level?

Any effort you put into clear communication will typically be rewarded by an improved relationship or the realization that it’s time to FedEx yourself to Uganda for a change in world view.

—————–

Summary: It’s unlikely that direct criticism of any particular aspect of a woman’s existence will result in anything less than an argument and hurt feelings.

—————–

Ladies, is there anything you’d like to add? A bit of criticism perhaps or a story that might illustrate a point more vividly than I was able? Thanks for your input!

If you enjoyed this article, a thumbs-up on Stumbleupon or sharing with your Twitter followers would be much appreciated!

photo: anita robicheau

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1. The Importance of Being Earnest
2. Who Should Pay On The First Date?
3. Is It Okay To Tell Her She Looks Fat?

I first encountered the idea of a song incorporating a “message” when a friend of my father told me that rock music contained secret messages from Satan. I was 10 at the time and thought it was odd that Satan hadn’t chosen an older genre to share his message. Years later, I found out about another kind of musical message. Instead of grumbling in the background like beelzebub, this message was one of affection shared through normal songs grouped together into a mix.

If it weren’t for the message in the mix, would I have listened to 43 uninterrupted minutes of Mariah Carey with two versions of “You’ll always be my baby”? Of course not. I was listening because she, the one who burnt the CD and wrote my name on the cover with a sharpie, had said something with her choice of songs. (I later realized that if it takes a girl 43 minutes of Mariah Carey to say something, her conflict resolution style might leave something to be desired.)

Here’s where I need some help: In your experience, what are the best songs to say the following things?

1. I’m really glad to be here with you.
2. I’m sorry.
3. I like you a lot (the type that leads to conversations and buddy hugs)
4. Let’s do it!
5. I like you a lot (like, as in the type that leads to fluid exchanges)

If you’d like to add more messages or just explain what your favorite mix selections mean, that’d be great, too!

Update: Thanks to Melanie for making sense of the song order! =)

What are the best songs to play during a date?

Photo: julianne hyde, emma kate

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Hi! I’ve (Seth) decided to begin answering relationship questions more often here on The Dating Papers. Some, like the one in this post, might fall into an area where you have experience and/or expertise. If that’s the case, please, please chime in with your thoughts and advice. All I ask is that you maximize positive support and minimize judgement. None of us know each other well enough to criticize effectively but our humanity should be reason enough to empathize as best we can.

I’ll post questions as they’re sent in (a few at a time if need be) in the hope that we can offer some real-life advice and support to those readers who take the time to reach out. I’ll contact the individuals who submitted questions as posts go live in the hope that they’ll take a moment to read and perhaps give some more context to their questions. Obviously, I can’t make any promises. I’m hopeful that this will be a positive experience for everyone involved. Thanks for your efforts to prove my hope worthwhile!

Now, for the question!
Joe wrote in:

I am currently comming out of a 7 year marriage, were the decision to end it was a mutual decision. We both have just come to the conclusion that we are not right for each other. Yet at the same time I can’t seem to get over things with her. We have not even signed the papers yet she is allready dating one of her friends. I don’t want her back, but I can’t seem to let go of the idea that she is dating someone else so soon and a friend of ours on top of that. Well ex friend for me now.

Hi Joe,

You’ve put 7 years of your life into a relationship with this woman. A mutual decision to formally end your relationship doesn’t lessen the time invested nor make it easy to see her moving on so quickly! I can’t imagine the brackish rush of emotions you’re experiencing at any given moment. What I can do is offer you a few simple thoughts and put your question to some readers who have experienced a divorce (perhaps recently) and can offer you some personal encouragement!

First, you’re in a time of great transition. Don’t expect to find a happiness solution overnight or grow despondent because you occasional grovel in despair or self-loathing. You’re most likely experiencing a lot of different emotions. Go ahead and feel them. Experience them. Then set them aside.

How can you do that? The best way to push away your unhappiness and confusion is to help others bring sense to their own lives. Volunteer for a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. If you live in the city and know people who struggle to make ends meet, spend some time helping them! In helping others, it’s often that we discover the simplest way to help ourselves. It also seems to put things in better perspective when we are in close proximity to the suffering and strength of others. Get close to people who are struggling and work to help them.

At minimum, you’ll have less time to sit home and watch TV with your thoughts!

I could go on but I think I’ve given you a good starting point. I’d also like to let the readers sound in with their advice and support for you. Sound good? I hope so!

Reader, what advice do you have for Joe? I’m sending him an email shortly se he knows to swing by to read your answers. Thank you!

Note: Comment moderation is turned on. Once you’ve had a comment approved, subsequent comments will show up immediately. I apologize for the inconvenience and thank you again for your input!

Photo: Bichuas, cio de foto

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by Sarah Joy Albrecht

“Do I look fat in this dress?”

Next to being asked to get snipped, this is the dreaded question that men fear most from women.

How can he answer this loaded, Catch-22? If he answers “yes,” he’s in the doghouse. If he says “no,” he’s “not being honest” and God forbid a girlfriend points out the obvious during a trip the ladies’ room.

Believe it or not, my husband Tom and I have had a “do I look fat in this dress” pact since the beginning of our marriage, when I was healthy size eight.

Ten years, five kids and an abdominal myomectomy later, I was considering starting a reclaim-my-body exercise regimen and I asked my husband the dreaded question.

He ducked and dutifully answered in the affirmative.

I did not hit him.

“It’s okay for me to say that because you told me to be honest,” he said, peering through his fingers. “Remember the pact?!”

“Yes,” I replied, through clenched teeth. “I remember.”

Tom quickly promised me that I was lovely and desirable to him, and would continue to be, even if I didn’t lose a single inch from my waistline. He even gave me a flirtatious look that assured me he meant what he said.

“Make a list of things you need,” he said. He then funded my workout gear, even encouraging me to get the more expensive weight set so that it would be more durable.

On the occasions I’ve growled and hit “snooze” on my Japanese cell phone’s wake-up alarm, he’s even gone as far as saying “C’mon, love, put your feet on the tatami mat” when I don’t feel like to rolling out of my futon in the wee hours of the morning. (Although, in this case, I think it’s just a masked excuse to sadistically fling off my cozy blankets and watch me beg for mercy!)

Why am I happy, instead of offended, that Tom answered honestly? Because our pact has been the single most motivating item on my list of reasons for sticking with my exercise routine. I want to look my best for him, especially since he loves me even when I’m not my physical best. (Not to mention he’s been by my side through thick and thin while I gained those extra pounds.) Tom was honest and supportive both verbally and monetarily – without guilting me over the budget – when it mattered most. That’s love.

It is because we have the foundation of forever in place that we can be so frank with each other. He’s my bestfriendinthewholewideworld, and I’d rather hear it from him than anyone else.

Still wondering about having a potentially embarrassing pact with your significant other? Think of it this way: If you were at a restaurant, wouldn’t you want your closest friend to tell you that you have spinach stuck between your teeth?

I would!

Would you consider a “do I look fat in this?” pact or would you prefer your partner always insist that you’re the perfect weight? Let me know! =)

RT @datingpapers When Is It Okay to Tell Her She Looks Fat?

photo credit: fazen
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Sarah said she’d follow her husband Tom to the ends of the earth. He called her bluff, and they moved from their house in Pennsylvania to live by the sea in northern Japan. They homeschool their five progeny, all born after 2001. She loves people, writes for fun and thinks about God constantly. You can find her blog at http://sarahjoyalbrecht.com or follow her @mrsalbrecht on Twitter.

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