by Simon Cole

The woman I love is marrying another man this weekend.

I met Mariska at the start of our final semester in college. I’d made a mistake on my schedule and showed up for the wrong class. I walked through the lecture room door, surprised to see about 20 chairs arranged in a circle.

She sat there. It was just us. Her hiking boots shed melting snow into a slowly growing puddle at her heels. She didn’t care. She was jut there, present, waiting. There were 19 available seats.

I can’t tell you what it was that made me long to know her but I did. I chose the seat directly to her right. I sat and turned toward her.

Hi, my name is Simon.

Wow. You’re very friendly. I’m Mariska.

Not all the time. I just wanted to meet you.

There’s nobody else here to meet.

That’s true. Tell me why none of the buttons on your sweater match and I’ll leave you alone.

She did. I didn’t leave her alone.

We kept talking. It turned out I had shown up for an advanced Spanish Language class. Other students showed up. We kept talking. The professor walked in and prepared to begin class.

I’ve got to go.

It’d be funny to see how long you could go before she [the professor] throws you out of class.

True. I’ll head out though. How can I make sure to see you around?

She tore a corner from her notebook and quickly wrote two numbers. A phone number and a time.

Call this number at this time in exactly 2 days. I’ll answer and we can get lunch. Call at exactly that time.

That seemed pretty strange. I could dig it. I waited, I called, we had lunch. What followed was three of the most emotionally fulfilling months in my existence. I had found a person who really saw me. She would walk past all the bullshit excuses I gave for inferior work, bad choices, and uncertainty about what I wanted from life. She pushed, she pulled, and she loved with all her heart.

One late Friday night in early March, we went for an aimless walk around campus. The sidewalks were wet with melting snow and bits of salted sand crunched beneath our feet. It was getting cold. I moved my right hand from Mariska’s gloved clasp to the warmth of my pea coat pocket. She looped her arm through mine and pressed her shoulder against my arm.

What’s up?

I’m sorry for being so terrible in bed.

She hadn’t expected me to say that. I knew I was though. I was fun to be with whenever I had my clothes on, but the moment I stripped–it’s as if I took on a whole different persona–I was uptight and methodical. I was not a joyful lover and I knew it.

I want to tell you why I’m so awkward in bed.

I like having sex with you. I like sleeping with you. I like being with you. If you were unable to have sex I would still want to be with you. Just know that.

I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t planned on ever saying anything. I felt sheepish, stupid, and embarrassed to have mentioned the subject at all.

So?

I was introduced to sex earlier than most people are. A friend of my parents thought it would be good to have a little fun with me when I was seven. I fit neatly into the stereotype of the little boy in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was the pastor of an adoring congregation. I was the child delivered into his care by trusting parents. I don’t know why I’m talking about this now. It’s something I’ve talked to a therapist about but he said I seemed to have things worked out. I’m not sure I do. I wish I’d told somebody. I wish I could know that other kids didn’t go through the same thing. I wish I could be with you the same way you are with me. I wish I didn’t hold back. I’m sorry.

I choked out the apology. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know what she’d say.

She didn’t say anything. We had stopped near a bench. Its dark iron curves were too wet to sit on. Mariska slipped her arm out of mine and, grabbing my elbow, pulled me toward the bench. She hopped up onto the bench, her 5′2 frame towering above me. She unzipped her coat.

Come here.

I hadn’t known what to expect. I certainly hadn’t expected this. I had thought she’d say something. I thought she’d ask questions like all the others had. She said nothing. As I stepped close, she directed my hands inside her coat. I wrapped my arms around her waist, my grasp resting on her hips. She was so warm. I don’t remember if she was wearing a sweater underneath her coat or just a shirt. I was too caught up in the silence to care. She pulled me into her warmth, one hand twined in my hair as the other dropped to press against my back. She pressed her face against my hair. My world was absolutely silent but for the steady bump, bump, bump of her heartbeat. Or was it mine?

She said something into my hair, realized I probably didn’t hear it, and said it again.

Thank you for staying alive.

How could she have known about all the times I’d considered the benefits of not living? How could she have known that I’d said all I could and that asking more would be too much to ask? How could she have known precisely what I needed at that very moment?

She just did. Mariska was like that. She still is like that. I was immediately reminded of that fact when I heard her voice this past Sunday.

Simon? It’s Mariska. Do you have a moment to talk? I got your letter.

To be continued…

Image: Bachuas

Too Late For Love – (Part 1)

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My 13 year-old cousin recently asked me what I thought to be the right age for her to start having sex.

Cousin: What’s the right age to start having sex?

Me: What’s the right age to start having babies?

Cousin: Um, probably 20 years old. At least not until you have a job you like.

Me: Then you probably shouldn’t start making babies until you’re the right age to have them.

Cousin: What if I don’t let him (her 15 year-old boyfriend) put it in my, um, in me?

Me: In your vagina?

Cousin: Yeah.

Me: Then you’ve still got a whole list of things to worry about. Do you really want to have sex with him?

Cousin: Well, yes. Mostly? All the other girls are doing it with their boyfriends.

Her mom walked into the room at this point and we didn’t get a chance to finish the conversation before I left. I owe her a phone call and I can’t help but feel like I don’t have a good answer for her.

What’s the right age to start having sex?

When you take pregnancy out of the equation and you’re dealing with a young teen who feels invincible and is convinced her boy is clean, how do you convince her to wait? Should she?

What’s the right age to start having sex? I know I wish I’d waited. But I don’t know how I’d have convinced myself as a 14 year-old (just one year older than my cousin is!) to ignore what other girls were doing and wait for a guy who was actually interested in me as a person.

Do you have any insight you’d be willing to share? I’d love it if you took a moment to chime in on this!

Love, Amelia

Image: MissPiano

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There are few things more comforting in life than surrendering yourself to sleep in the arms of someone who loves you. If you’ve suddenly found yourself alone after being used to sharing your bed, the simple act of falling asleep can become a dreaded affair.

Still, you gotta sleep.

How To Sleep Alone – The Bed

Have you ever walked through the bedding department of your favorite home store, looked left, looked right, ignored the hidden security cameras and fallen with arms spread-eagle, onto the luxuriously inviting coordinated extra fluffy display bed?

Now, think about your bed. How does it compare?

If your mattress is poky, your winter blankets are out-of-the-storage-box musty and your linens are covered in scratchy pill, bed is the last place you want to go to relax.

A change of perspective can be as easy as flipping the mattress and changing the sheets. Maintain this feeling by taking a few moments to make up your bed before you leave your room in the morning. When it’s time for bed, you won’t need an invitation.

How To Sleep Alone – The Timing

While a set “bed time” might evoke thoughts of sticker charts and character clad toothbrushes, it’s not just for kids. The National Sleep Foundation suggests having a regular bedtime and waking time, even on weekends, “strengthens the circadian function and can help with sleep onset at night.”

Once your body is accustomed to a rhythm, it will naturally feel tired at the same time each day. Cell phone or email reminders are a very grown-up way to let you know that bedtime is approaching.

How To Sleep Alone – Getting It Done

The hardest part of going to bed alone is actually getting into bed. Do it. It’s one thing to stay awake in front of a computer in the living room, another to be laying in bed with your head on your fresh, soft pillow. One gives your body cues it should be sleeping, the other reminds you your Farmville creatures are starving.

Once you’re in bed, resist the urge to fiddle with your iPhone. Instead keep a simple notebook within arm’s reach in case you need to release some thoughts for an upcoming article, so that your mind can relax. Instead of counting sheep, think of positive things that happened in the last 12 hours. Smile.

Say goodnight to the mush (aff), and then lay still and relax each part of you starting at your feet.

Tomorrow is a new day.

About the author: Sarah said she’d follow her husband Tom to the ends of the earth. He called her bluff, and they moved from their house in Pennsylvania to live by the sea in northern Japan. They homeschool their five progeny, all born after 2001. She loves people, writes for fun and thinks about God constantly. You can find her blog at http://sarahjoyalbrecht.com or follow her @mrsalbrecht on Twitter.

Image: TAGG

How To Sleep Alone

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by Zeke Hillyard

A lot of people think HIV is simply a “gay thing.”

Therefore, a quick bit of mind candy: Over half the world’s HIV/AIDS cases are women. A simple math deduction demonstrates that there are a lot more heterosexual people with HIV than not. Because of that, this topic needs a more universal treatment. A great magazine called POZ (found at www.poz.com), does a great job of this, but its usual audience is people who are already HIV positive.

I’m 36 now, gay, and married (or not, depending on the current status of Proposition 8). It wasn’t always that way. Once I was 28, alone, insecure and afraid the day I got the phone call during which I was informed I was HIV positive. I’m still insecure and sometimes afraid; however, I’ve learned I’m never alone.

Because we so rarely talk about HIV in a casual sense, the acronyms become a series of scary letters one associates with disease and death; the discrimination is insidious, and yet clear. Dating advertisements request “drug, disease free” people for dating.

In my experience, people are far more worried about HIV as the particular disease and are quite happy to ignore that second hand smoking alone cause more fatalities than AIDS, as do smoking and drinking. Yet, we often are willing to overlook these because we think we understand them better.

So, a little info. HIV stands for “Human Immunodeficiency Virus.” This simply means it occurs in humans, attacks the immune system, and is cause by a particular type of virus called a retrovirus. The “A” in AIDS (never use small letters) means Acquired—you get it from others, just like cancer from second-hand smoke. “I” means “Immune,” and refers to the idea one’s immune system is affected. “D” stands for Deficiency and it follows that one has a deficiency of immunity in the form of a white blood cell called a T4 or CD4 cell or, more popularly, a “T cell”. “S” means there are a series of illnesses that happen to people whose immune systems are deficient that exist anyway, but are rare in people whose immune systems are working.

One of these happens to be illnesses is a common one called Toxoplasmosis. I have this. I caught it from changing my cat’s little box (pregnant women are prone to this as well. However, I do not have AIDS because it also requires a very low T cell count, which I do not have.) These details I’ve presented are very simplified. You can get accurate, up-to-date information from a great website called The Body, the Centers for Disease Control, or the World Health Organization.

Make no mistake, HIV, and thus logically, AIDS, are incurable; however, they in no way make someone untouchable or unloveable. And to those men and women with either HIV or AIDS, they do not mean you have to stop dating. However, if you wish to maintain your personal integrity, and also a find a better date, your honesty about your status will go a long way to making this happen.

Before and after HIV, I had no trouble getting dates. My big mouth and other personality flaws did not change, and I made many of the foibles that Seth writes about that make his blog so fun and heartwarming to read. When we have HIV or AIDS, I think it’s safe to say one’s biggest fears are rejection and ostracism—especially if one’s status is kept secret or one lives in a smaller town. These are chances one takes and they take bravery. Braver still are those willing to risk rejection and ostracism by saying, “I don’t care” and dating you anyway.

Many of these people have discovered that dating isn’t just about sex, it’s about exploring and experiencing different people, searching for someone with whom we might spend a week or the rest of our lives with.

To those looking to date but fear disclosure, ask yourself; what is the worst thing that can happen? Rejection? Will your life be at stake? Think carefully. Practice in front of a mirror or with a trusted friend. To those who fear being labeled HIV positive by association, look in the mirror, there’s something there that isn’t ready for acceptance, and it’s not about the person with HIV.

Take HIV as a challenge. Find ways to enjoy life without sex. My first date with the love of my life took place on the kiddie coaster in Seattle Center. I cry as I write this, as he sleeps, soundly, in the other room. You see, we married last year after being together for five. He’s still HIV negative. We have plenty of sex and we do so much more. He is my world and when I think I turned him down four times before I said yes, I don’t know what I could have been thinking.

Incidentally, it wasn’t fear of telling him. When I disclosed my status to my future husband, hoping to turn him away, he said, “I don’t care, it’s just a virus.” That put me in quite a pickle. Had I been honest and said, “I’m just not interested in you,” Life would haver been very different. He was right, of course. It is difficult, and easy to avoid contracting HIV, and it certainly wasn’t the end of my world. In fact, I’ll probably outlive him even though he’s only two years older than me.

For those who are curious, I began dating him after I got a reference from his old landlord. My old landlord. The first time Johnny came to my house, we discovered that we had lived in the same exact studio; he was the previous tenant. I was the currently one. Lois (our mutual landlady and wise soul) told me Johnny was a great guy and helped me give myself permission to partake in the most amazing journey I’ve been on to date, a journey with many side trips, love, and laughter. Had I said “no” again, I might still be looking for that “perfect date” that was right there under my nose four times.

Thus endeth the lesson. Thank you, Seth, for honoring me with a place on my favorite blog.

Zeke Hillyard is the founder and facilitator of symbiotic ∞ internetworks, a human services consulting collaborative. When he can afford it, he goes to school to study human systems theory and self-organizing systems. He is a recent Power Lab graduate and holds a bachelor’s degree in Human Services from Western Washington University. When his server’s Internet provider isn’t messing with his IP addresses, he keeps a blog. He builds custom computers to support his research and lives in North Las Vegas, NV. Follow him on Twitter or reach him by email through z [at]symbioticinternetworks.com.

Image: CarbonNYC

A Gay Male’s Take on Dating a Person with HIV

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It was our fourth date when Coleen popped the question. She was smart, funny, beautiful, and confident of her talents. We’d had a lot of fun hanging out and I, classy dude that I am, hadn’t pushed for anything physical… yet.

Coleen just had something about her that said, “don’t touch me quite yet” that I figured was a good idea to respect.

That changed when she slipped from her side of the table in the softly lit corner of the restaurant and scooted into the seat beside me. (Irish pub, booths, yep.)

I thought, “Yes! She’s finally over whatever is bothering her. Snog time!”

Instead, she leaned toward me, paused, and popped the question:

Would you freak out if I told you I had two kids?

I didn’t freak out. I don’t have a problem with kids and see no reason why a person should treat another poorly for having given birth.

The thing that bothered me was Coleen’s timing in waiting so long to tell me that she had two enormous commitments chilling with a babysitter at home.

I was annoyed that she hadn’t told me right away. When I asked her about the delay she said only that she hadn’t wanted to scare me away and that her friends had said I’d be cool with it if I really liked her.

I wasn’t interested.

Looking back, I wonder if I did the right thing? On what date should a single mom admit to having kids? Was Coleen right to wait so long to tell me about her kids?

I asked some friends for their input:

Seth said,

“She should tell him about her kids right around the same time she’d like him to tell her if he’s a registered sex offender.”

Emma said,

“I think she should tell him once she’s sure she likes him. It’s the difference between inviting somebody to a party in college and inviting them home for Thanksgiving. It’s important to get to know the guy a little bit before you spring potentially life-altering news on him.”

Amelia took some pot shots at Coleen’s garment choices (long story) before remarking,

“It seems like dating as a single mom would be something like dating when you’re HIV-positive. You know, you’ve got this thing that would scare most guys away but you’re hoping that you’ll somehow meet one who wants to be with you no matter what and will understand why you didn’t tell him sooner. It’s a big deal to have kids. You have to protect them while trying to be open to a new person. I think Coleen probably liked you a lot and perhaps that’s why she waited so long to tell you about her kids. I don’t know. I don’t have kids. That’s how I’d approach it if I did, I think. I’d wait, perhaps quite a few dates.”

Now I’m not sure what to think. If Seth was just being dramatic with his line about the sex offender (a real possibility) then it seems I may have been wrong in discounting Coleen for waiting to tell me about her kids.

What do you think? Ladies? How long do you think it’s okay for a single mom to wait before telling her date she’s got kids? Gents, how soon would you like to know if the lady you’re dating has done more than just test her baby maker?

If I was wrong (and it seems I may have been) I’m game for giving Coleen a call and apologizing for being an ape. Was I wrong?

Thanks for your input!

Simon

Image: Photogratree

When Should A Single Mom Tell Her Date She Has Kids?

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Step 1 – Listen
Step 2 – Listen more
Step 3 – Keep listening

At no point in this process should open your mouth to speak. If you have trouble keeping quiet (most of us do) then have some crackers and a nice glass of wine to keep your mouth occupied while you listen.

There are things that come after the listening. But if you really care about the person you’re trying to help –and you really listen to them–you’ll know what to say when the wine is gone and you’ve eaten all the crackers.

It’s that simple. Give it some practice and let me know if it works as well for you as it has for me, won’t you?

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I recently had a girlfriend ask me for advice. A guy she met through work asked her if she’d meet up with him for dinner at a new restaurant opening in his neighborhood.

There’s just one issue: The guy seems pretty interested but my girlfriend isn’t especially attracted to him. I see two options for her:

1. She asks if it’s okay if a friend comes along. (kinda smarmy – I know)
2. She tells him that she’s not on the market right now but that she’d love to hang out and will quiz him a bit because she knows some available hotties that she might be able to hook him up with.

I like the latter best.

What do you think? I told her I’d have awesome advice for her before she sees him on Monday. Will you help?

Thank you!

Emma

Image: Cia de photo

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Instead of griping that you don’t have a darling to risk purchasing the wrong gifts for, why not take some time this holiday to give yourself some needed “me-time”?

With the assumption that you’re taking at least basic care of your body, here are 5 ways you can improve the way you treat your inner self over the coming weeks (and beyond):

1. Make a pact. Find a good friend you can call whenever you’re feeling an urge to call one of your exes. Agree to make time for their call when it comes as they’ll do for you. This trick has saved me from following through on numerous bad decisions that could have really brought a lot more pain into my life. Walking in the woods on a snowy Christmas eve by yourself? Call your friend. Just a moment or two of conversation will do a lot to help you kick your mood and get back to the fun stuff.
2. Seek out sustainable friendships. If you’ve only got time for quick phone calls and a get-together every few weeks, find people who understand your schedule and are glad to get what time they can from you. Trying to maintain relationships with time-hungry people will leave you feeling like you’re a bad friend. The reverse applies. If you’ve got lots of time, don’t chase the jet-set!
3. Say “I Love You” to the people you love but aren’t sleeping with. Write yourself a note, whatever it takes to build “I love you” into your vocabulary so that when it comes time to say “I love you” it’ll come off your tongue easily. This is especially useful when you’re trying to tell somebody you know very well but aren’t yet sleeping with how you feel and that you’d like to change things!
4. Practice Gratefulness. Get into the habit of showing appreciation for things. The more you do it, the more things you’ll notice that you appreciate! Simon goes into more detail on this concept in his thanksgiving post on gratefulness (I hope you’ll check it out!). Life seems so much richer when you’re looking for good things.
5. Be Selfish. That’s right, start making choices that will send you into the coming year with a smile on your face. Is there something you’ve been wanting to do for years but haven’t made the time for? Make it a priority. Can’t make it to a friend’s party because you’d miss a tutoring session with your Tagalog instructor? Your friend will forgive you and love you more for being a leader and seeking to fulfill your dreams!

What about you? Have you come across any tips or tricks to help singles navigate the holidays with comfort and joy? Drinking heavily spiked eggnog and watching reruns is NOT an option!

Happy Holidays!

Seth

Image: Ahmed, Rodrigo Moraes

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Jenny’s family will be enjoying a meal traditional to her Thai heritage. To her, Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate how far her family has come since moving to the US. My Thanksgiving will include the regular Turkey and elderly relatives discussing how we are related to the Plymouth Pilgrims. Though the smells, tastes, and traditions differ greatly, both our families are gathering to share in how grateful we are for what we have.

As you go about your Thursday this week, whatever it may consist of, please be grateful. Showing genuine appreciation will not only be a delight to those around you, but you’ll find more things to be happy about.

Keep the Thanksgiving gratefulness flowing and you’ll see changes in your romantic relationships as well! A few things to remember:

1. Gratefulness radiates -

your appreciation will reflect in your face and conversations. You know the phrase “best thing since sliced bread?” There is no better prospect for a woman than to feel like you are going to appreciate her fully. When she observes how you treasure the people and things already in your life, she will have proof of how she can expect to be treated. (Don’t tell her she’s the best thing since sliced bread. Consider my usage the last time for that phrase. Ever).

2. Appreciation opens doors –

You know that woman who always makes you smile but you haven’t considered because she doesn’t take fitness as seriously you do? Be smart and ask her out. You might discover more things about her that make the gym issue seem like a little nothing!

3. Thankfulness innovates -

As you grow more inclined to appreciate things, you’ll complain less and smile more. You’ll find yourself in situations where everybody else is frowning and you will still have reasons to smile. This will dramatically effect how you come across to other people. Smiling at funerals, however, tends to be taken as a sign that you’ve overdosed on your anti-anxiety meds.

After our shopping was finished, I dropped Jenny off at her apartment. As I was leaving, she took one of my big hands in both of her little ones. She looked up at me and said “Simon, thank you for making me smile so much. I have thanksgiving for you so very much.” I’ve never heard “Thanksgiving” used like that, but I knew what she meant. It had been a special time of sharing that left me feeling much more ready for the upcoming holiday.

Don’t take yourself out of the running for new friends and great love by letting ungratefulness sneak up on you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Image: abbilder

RT @datingpapers: The Thanksgiving Date

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Who pays on the first date? I’ll tell you.

On a first date technically the person who asked should really pay. For me, this will always mean the guy because I will wait for him to ask. Honestly though, I’d prefer for the man to step up no matter what.

Which is not to say I expect that or don’t offer or won’t pay in the future. Every good female dater knows exactly how to handle this. In case you don’t know, let me explain…

The check comes. The woman should automatically reach for her purse and say something like “Let me help you with that.” This gives the man options. If he didn’t intend to pay the entire check, he can accept the offer without losing face or having to ask for money. If he did intend to pay, he can say “No, I’ve got this one.” The woman should then ask ONCE (and only once ladies) “Are you sure?” If he waffles at all, offer money. This next bit is important now. If he says he’s sure, look him directly in the eye and thank him for your meal.

This works on dates one and two. If a man picks up both of those checks you should corner the check and pay it in full on date three.

For the record, the second date is a gray area in the land of paying. I would gladly snatch a second date check… it all depends on the man and the dynamics of the date as to whether or not that is successful.

I do not believe that buying someone dinner means they owe you anything. Especially if said someone has offered to pull their own weight. And I wouldn’t allow anyone to guilt me into anything on those grounds.

Honestly, we’re dating not hooking. And the only way a man can convince you you owe him one is if you let him. Employ a little backbone against the jerks, and enjoy the chivalry of the gentlemen.

What’s your take? Who pays on your first dates?

Jane keeps a blog, Confessions of a One Date Wonder or Follow her updates on Twitter.

Image: Hamed Ma Soumi

Who Should Pay On The First Date?

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