Who pays on the first date? I’ll tell you.

On a first date technically the person who asked should really pay. For me, this will always mean the guy because I will wait for him to ask. Honestly though, I’d prefer for the man to step up no matter what.

Which is not to say I expect that or don’t offer or won’t pay in the future. Every good female dater knows exactly how to handle this. In case you don’t know, let me explain…

The check comes. The woman should automatically reach for her purse and say something like “Let me help you with that.” This gives the man options. If he didn’t intend to pay the entire check, he can accept the offer without losing face or having to ask for money. If he did intend to pay, he can say “No, I’ve got this one.” The woman should then ask ONCE (and only once ladies) “Are you sure?” If he waffles at all, offer money. This next bit is important now. If he says he’s sure, look him directly in the eye and thank him for your meal.

This works on dates one and two. If a man picks up both of those checks you should corner the check and pay it in full on date three.

For the record, the second date is a gray area in the land of paying. I would gladly snatch a second date check… it all depends on the man and the dynamics of the date as to whether or not that is successful.

I do not believe that buying someone dinner means they owe you anything. Especially if said someone has offered to pull their own weight. And I wouldn’t allow anyone to guilt me into anything on those grounds.

Honestly, we’re dating not hooking. And the only way a man can convince you you owe him one is if you let him. Employ a little backbone against the jerks, and enjoy the chivalry of the gentlemen.

What’s your take? Who pays on your first dates?

Jane keeps a blog, Confessions of a One Date Wonder or Follow her updates on Twitter.

Image: Hamed Ma Soumi

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(If you ask me, the ponytail maneuver was pretty bold. She didn’t get a yellow card for that though. Not condoning her actions, but I love her pep and think the Refs were sleeping.)

Most guys aren’t interested in dating women like Elizabeth, Condoleezza, Hillary, or Michelle. Why? Because strong women with talent, focus, and goals are intimidating to those who aren’t so well equipped. Not just to men, but to people in general. It’s not just that men are avoiding strong women. Guys tend to avoid spending time with other guys who are much smarter, stronger, or somehow better-equipped than they are.

It’s a simple matter of the regular dude trying to avoid situations that will leave him feeling inadequate. In a first date scenario, most guys feel inadequate about something. Even the truly modern fellow who is well-educated, confident, and ready to treat any woman as his rightful equal gets nervous during the early stages of a relationship and will balk at the appearance of intellectual competition during a first or second date.

Your women’s studies professor (who may have been a male) probably told you that in order to be taken seriously you must be aggressive in letting the men around you know how much of an equal you are. If that approach is working out for you, fine. If it isn’t working so well–and this is my guess–you might do well to avoid thrashing your dates with punch lists of why you’re strong, confident, and a fantastic equal.

There are many other things that are important for a good relationship that can be discovered without being overly aggressive. If he turns out to be thoughtful, kind, funny, and quirky enough to be uniquely sexy, there’s a good chance he’ll be game to stay up late discussing the finer points of your thesis on Joan of Arc.

I have dated women who used both approaches:

Krista went through her equality punch list (even rattling off her SAT scores) and was disappointed with my lack of enthusiasm for her onslaught. In Krista’s case, I wasn’t intimidated. I just don’t care for such conversations during a first date. (I supposed I DID get to know her, though!)

Meaghan was different. I could tell she was classy by the way she carried herself. I could tell she was smart by the way she spoke and the words she used. I could tell she was confident when I went to pay the check (I typically go by the “I invite, I pay” rule) and she laughed me away with, “It’s okay, grandpa. I’ve got it this time.” Her joy for living and tremendous accomplishments in face of a terrible circumstances showed me amazing strength without ever having to say the words, “I am a strong woman.” Meaghan is my equal. Hell, Meaghan is better than me. I’m lucky to have her as a friend.

My point? If you are a strong, talented, and amazing woman, you don’t need to worry about the men who don’t want to date strong women. Let them hook up with the bimbos and get fat together. But you? Oh, wonderful creature, please don’t do yourself a disservice by trying to prove yourself to the men who are already happy to greet you as an equal.

Do you have anything to add? Leave me a comment!

Live ferociously!

Simon

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by Emma Frisoni

Ever wonder what to wear on a first date?

There I was, standing in my closet, swathed in a silk robe, towel wrapped around my head, champagne glass in hand. I stood wondering, yet again, what to wear on my first date with Jared.

The lucky Dior pumps were a must, but being 140 mm high, lilac and snakeskin, they only coordinated with a few outfits. I was going for the classy, sexy look but it seemed that all the classy outfits I tried on made me look like I was headed to afternoon tea. The sexy outfits I tried on screamed, ‘take me home with you’ – which I wasn’t going after either.

Channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw, I slipped on the pumps, drew a belt around my robe, and seriously wondered if I could get away with it…

The above scene happens all too often in my world (basically my Saturday night ritual), and although I’ve never actually worn my robe out on a date, that doesn’t mean I haven’t seriously considered it. Confidence is the ultimate accessory, after all.

Luckily, I’ve learned a few things that simplify choosing what to wear on a first date. I don’t have it down to a perfect science yet, but I’m getting there. When my newly single BFF, Lanie, called me this past weekend, anxious about going on her first date in 2 years, I gave her all the tips I could think of. Here are just a few:

One thing to do and four to avoid when choosing what to wear on a first date:

1. Do dress for the occasion

I am a huge fan of getting dressed up. I love it and will use any and all excuses to get glammed up. But if you’re meeting a guy for the first time, you don’t want to make him (and you) uncomfortable by being over (or under) dressed. Don’t wear a sequined dress for a date to Sully’s for burgers and fries (one of my favorite places) or a mini skirt when hitting up L’Espailer.

2. Don’t wear anything too trendy

Although that dress or top may be red carpet worthy in your mind, your new guy isn’t going to recognize the beauty of it. Take my well earned advice on this one – it may seem like a hip, cool outfit, but there’s a good chance he won’t see the cool factor. I have 4 words for you: zebra printed strapless dress (no, not zebra pattern, an actual graphic of a zebra). Let’s just say he wasn’t nearly as impressed as I had anticipated.

3. Don’t wear anything strapless/low cut/spaghetti straps

This one may not seem like a don’t but it actually is. Guys are simple creatures and they have a difficult enough time focusing without your bare skin distracting them. This is an important one especially if you are going out to dinner because he’ll only be looking at your upper half for most of your time. (While you’re seated.) You want to focus on your date and vice versa and bare skin doesn’t help the situation.

4. Don’t go overboard on the makeup

I’ll spare you the details about the time I got a makeover at the MAC counter just before a date. Let’s just say it included me cowering in the wedge behind the John Hancock hastily wiping my face with baby wipes I bribed from a young mom on the steps outside Trinity Church, hoping against hope my date didn’t catch me acting like a homeless person trying to ‘bathe’. Too much makeup scares dudes. If your face looks too perfect, they’re going to be afraid to touch it, never mind kiss you on the cheek at the end of the evening.

5. Don’t wear something you don’t feel comfortable in!

Confidence is owning who you are inside and out. Even if you have the most gorgeous D&G frock for the night, if it doesn’t fit right or it just isn’t ‘you’ then it won’t work. Find pieces that fit well, are comfortable, and speak to who you are and you’ll be a knockout.

There you have it. I hope these tips help you and when in doubt, cinch a belt around your robe and walk around in your heels – anything you put on after that will look fabulous!

Do you have any tips to add on what ladies should wear on a first date or tale of a “wardrobe malfunction” you’ve experienced? Thanks for sharing!

~Emma

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Photos: carljones, swanky, vincent boiteau

Hey all! Seth here. I’m thrilled to welcome Emma to The Dating Papers and I hope you’ll give her a warm welcome. If you’d like her to write on something specific or just feel like saying hi, feel free to drop her an email or find her on Twitter. Thanks!

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Why is that?

Maria and I went out for sushi then drinks at a bar overlooking the river. The weather was perfect. Our conversation was a mix of questions and comments, silence and laughter. Everything seemed to go well. 

When I dropped her off at her house, she even said “I had a really nice time. Call me!”. 

So I did. And she never called me back. Why?

The answer is agonizingly simple: She was so concerned about being “the perfect date” that she avoided telling me when she wasn’t enjoying herself. Sound familiar? Not only does it happen on first dates, but many of us continue this practice well into relationships and especially in the bedroom. 

How do I know her reasons?

Two weeks after our date I strolled into the movie theater she managed on a Monday afternoon. Guess who was the only person available to sell me a ticket? 

As Maria ran my credit card, I made a simple statement: ”You don’t even like sushi. In fact, you hate it.” 

She stopped sliding the card. Her shoulders tightened and she let out a breath through her nose. 

“You’re a persistent one, huh?” She countered.

“Not especially. I just want to know if you actually like sushi.” I ventured. 

Her shoulders dropped and she stopped trying to squeeze life into the pen she held.

“No, I don’t like sushi.” She admitted. 

Our conversation continued. The problem wasn’t just the sushi. She’d been worried about running into an ex at the bar and was exhausted from a long week. She should have called off the date and slept. Instead, we’d both wasted our time and nearly ended up as a ghost couple. You know, the ones who try to avoid each other so they don’t have to ever give an explanation?

She’d chosen to save face by being nice even though doing so filled the air with uncertainty.

I missed the first 10 minutes of Matrix Revolutions (not much lost there), but I gained insight into why the date had failed. Here’s what went wrong and how I could have avoided it:

1. I was so thrilled that we were on a date that I missed her negative signals. You know how eye contact helps establish a connection between two people? It also helps to figure out if she’s laughing with you or at you. If she makes a down-toned humming noise at the end of her laugh and turns her head away…she’s laughing at you. If she has trouble getting her response out in coherent terms…she’s definitely laughing with you. 
2. I failed to make it clear that my plans for the evening were flexible. All I had to say was “Hey, if you’ve been craving something other than sushi, let’s get that. I know of a couple great places.” and Maria would have been filling her face with food she enjoyed. Being flexible and paying attention to a woman’s cravings will get you more points than you planned on.
3. I let it bother me when she never returned my call. This is the hardest part to fix because I love to over-think things. If you take all the time you spend obsessing over bad dates and spend it on being a better friend to the people around you, those friends will do everything they can to find you love. They’ll also be there for you when, like should have happened with Maria, a date calls in sick and you have free time. 

Notice I’ve been talking about friendship a lot lately? There’s a reason. The people who participate in fulfilling friendships make for better bed-mates, soul-mates, chocolate-ice-cream-and-Friends-marathon-mates, and are generally much more fun to wake up next to. 

I’m starting with the chocolate ice cream and working my way up. =)

Seth

If you’ve got a story about a date who never called back, I’d love to hear it. Leave it in a comment and we’ll talk about it!

photo credit: captain paul, kalandrakas

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