One of my pet peeves. #justsaying

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Cheaters aren’t born, they’re made. Are you making one out of your man? He may not be cheating. He might never cheat (some are better at committing than others). But that doesn’t mean he won’t resent you and look for love in other places. Here are 7 reasons you might be pushing your man to reassess his options.

1. You’re boring in bed

You don’t have to be a wild sex tigress with super flexibility who knows thousands of positions to be interesting in bed. You just need to know how to create an atmosphere of intimacy when you want to. Remember when you first met your man and all you had to do to get him hard was breathe on his neck? Not anymore. You go through the motions of sex but you don’t care. Your man might not be able to get a woman with a better body, but he can certainly find one who cares enough to make him feel noticed. She might be chubby but she’ll make him feel goooood. When was the last time you tried to make your man feel gooood?

2. You never give him that smile

You know, flirting? That thing you did when you first met? Flirting is a fun, sexy form of communication that you can do anywhere to remind your man that he’s your choice. Flirting is also an easy way of letting the women around you know that you keep your man interested and that they need not apply. However, judging by your behavior, you don’t really seem to care if they do try for him… do you?

3. You criticize him constantly

Do you have any idea how many orgasms you’ve missed out on because you bit your man’s head off as soon as he walked in the door over something as stupid as a carton of milk? Nobody likes to be criticized constantly. If you think your man is supposed to be perfect, you signed up for the wrong shift. He’s not perfect. He forgets, he’s lazy, he loses focus. Are you really interested in making him feel like you’re always judging him? If you do, he’ll run. He might not cheat, but he’ll certainly close himself off to you.

4. You’re a slob around the house

Now that you’ve been in relationship for awhile, you’ve decided it’s okay to dress like a colorblind hobo when you’re with your man. Is it really so much extra effort to put on a cute outfit instead of those ratty old sweatpants? Jeans and a cute t-shirt take the same amount of time to put on as your pyjama pants when you get out of the shower. You DO shower, don’t you? If you don’t have a perfume you really like, get one. He’ll memorize the scent and associate it with being near you and whatever that entails. There’s a lot of power in scent. Put it to your advantage or watch him end up with a woman who uses a nice-smelling bath soap.

5. You expect him to care about your relationship with your mother

He doesn’t. The best man in the world will smile, nod, and respond at appropriate points in conversation. But he doesn’t care. Bringing up your mother just makes you seem more like her and unless she’s a magnificent woman, you don’t want that (especially if she’s single).

6. You expect him to be on the same wavelength as you

He’s not. When you got mad at him for going out for drinks with his friends because he was supposed to instinctively know that you wanted to spend time together? That just made you look like an angry tramp. Communicate. Communicate clearly. Communicate in writing. Communicate multiple times if necessary in order to make sure he knows what you want. This doesn’t mean he’s stupid or doesn’t care about you. It means he’s probably a bit less organized than you and has a lot on his plate. Expecting him to know what you want without you clearly telling him will make your relationship feel like a series of mind games. Men cheat on women who play needless mind games.

7. You disrespect his friends

They were there before you and they’ll be there after you. Don’t blame him for his friends’ behavior. They belong in his world just as much as you do. Sure, he might have abandoned them a bit when you first met, but it’s back to real life now. He needs time with them just as he needs time with you if he wants to feel fulfillment in his life. He’s not going to leave his friends for you, but he might leave you for his friends. Don’t push.

Sure, there are many exceptions to any rule when it comes to relationships. You might do all the above and think your relationship is fine. But is it? We all want to be the exception. Why not make sure these 7 reasons don’t apply to your relationship and make it an exceptional one? I hope you do!

Simon

Image: Carlo Nicora

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(If you ask me, the ponytail maneuver was pretty bold. She didn’t get a yellow card for that though. Not condoning her actions, but I love her pep and think the Refs were sleeping.)

Most guys aren’t interested in dating women like Elizabeth, Condoleezza, Hillary, or Michelle. Why? Because strong women with talent, focus, and goals are intimidating to those who aren’t so well equipped. Not just to men, but to people in general. It’s not just that men are avoiding strong women. Guys tend to avoid spending time with other guys who are much smarter, stronger, or somehow better-equipped than they are.

It’s a simple matter of the regular dude trying to avoid situations that will leave him feeling inadequate. In a first date scenario, most guys feel inadequate about something. Even the truly modern fellow who is well-educated, confident, and ready to treat any woman as his rightful equal gets nervous during the early stages of a relationship and will balk at the appearance of intellectual competition during a first or second date.

Your women’s studies professor (who may have been a male) probably told you that in order to be taken seriously you must be aggressive in letting the men around you know how much of an equal you are. If that approach is working out for you, fine. If it isn’t working so well–and this is my guess–you might do well to avoid thrashing your dates with punch lists of why you’re strong, confident, and a fantastic equal.

There are many other things that are important for a good relationship that can be discovered without being overly aggressive. If he turns out to be thoughtful, kind, funny, and quirky enough to be uniquely sexy, there’s a good chance he’ll be game to stay up late discussing the finer points of your thesis on Joan of Arc.

I have dated women who used both approaches:

Krista went through her equality punch list (even rattling off her SAT scores) and was disappointed with my lack of enthusiasm for her onslaught. In Krista’s case, I wasn’t intimidated. I just don’t care for such conversations during a first date. (I supposed I DID get to know her, though!)

Meaghan was different. I could tell she was classy by the way she carried herself. I could tell she was smart by the way she spoke and the words she used. I could tell she was confident when I went to pay the check (I typically go by the “I invite, I pay” rule) and she laughed me away with, “It’s okay, grandpa. I’ve got it this time.” Her joy for living and tremendous accomplishments in face of a terrible circumstances showed me amazing strength without ever having to say the words, “I am a strong woman.” Meaghan is my equal. Hell, Meaghan is better than me. I’m lucky to have her as a friend.

My point? If you are a strong, talented, and amazing woman, you don’t need to worry about the men who don’t want to date strong women. Let them hook up with the bimbos and get fat together. But you? Oh, wonderful creature, please don’t do yourself a disservice by trying to prove yourself to the men who are already happy to greet you as an equal.

Do you have anything to add? Leave me a comment!

Live ferociously!

Simon

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Emotional twists and turns, lost sleep, and late night cereal laughed out the nose are in your future. But what about breakfast in bed, Sunday snuggles on the couch, and surprise embraces that escalate into neighbor-worrying frolic? It takes a bit more time, care, and whimsy to consistently squeeze such joy out of a relationship.

Here are five concepts that have consistently brought joy (and, you know, other things ^^) to my relationships:

1. The Toilet Seat Matters

You’ve heard about arguments that started because the toilet seat was left up? First, nobody argues about toilet seats. They argue because they feel ignored, annoyed, and under-serviced.

Here’s a quick fix: Implement a house rule that the toilet lid will be placed in a closed position after each use.

This is a good idea for two reasons:

1. It’s something girls AND boys have to do – No more yelling at the boy because he didn’t put the seat down when he finished doing his fireman dance. If everybody has to put the lid down, then the toilet seat is no longer something to argue about.
2. It’s sanitary – The toilet lid keeps things from falling in and reduces the amount of yickety bits that get into the air you breathe. Think if it this way: If you kept a bucket of poop in your kitchen, wouldn’t you want the lid shut? Unless you disinfect your toilet with each use (which we know you don’t) then you’ve essentially got a poop bucket in your house. Put a lid on it!

Make a game of it if you like. Whoever leaves the toilet open has to clean the bathroom, perhaps? Games involving household chores can be a very, very good thing.

2. Bring Attention To Things You Care About

Make a deal with your housemate/lover/soul mate/spouse/tenant to bring attention to things you’ve done that you’d like thanks, praise, or acknowledgement for. What? You expect your partner to just notice things? That might last for a few weeks, or even months. Eventually, dear idealist, you will see the sense of my words.

This one takes two to play, but the results tend to be pretty dramatic.

For example, let’s say you get home from work early and decide to give the fridge a good scrubbing. It’s shiny, smells like lemon cleaner, and the butter is actually in the butter cubby in the fridge door. You’ve done a bang-up job!

Does your partner notice when it/she/he/roar walks in after a particularly bad day at work? Not naturally, no. However, if you agreed previously to bring attention to things you care about, you’ll point out that you scrubbed the fridge. Your partner will remember the agreement and thank you for scrubbing the fridge before ordering you upstairs to run a hot bath and make some chocolate-covered strawberries. (I’ve never lived with somebody who did that for me. Bath, yes. Strawberries, check. Both? Nevah.)

Now, if you had asked your partner to scrub the fridge 6 times before said scrubbing took place, it will take some patience and understanding on your part to graciously thank him/her/it/roar for the effort. Stuff your pride back in its box and be thankful. If you’re lucky, your partner won’t mock you for leaving the toilet lid up as you clean the bathroom for the fifth week in a row!

3. No News is Not Good News

This is a simple one. As you grow accustomed to sharing space and interacting regularly with this creature you once found adorable, you’ll probably begin to avoid certain conversations under the guise of “picking battles.” You might think you’re doing a good thing for your relationship, but it’s unlikely that holding back your feelings and keeping silent will do anything but steal more joy from your life.

Surprise! It’s also very likely that your partner is doing the exact same thing. Silence on both sides means lots of dead air space around situations and topics that truly deserve your attention and conversation. As such, when your partner says nothing about your new computer, haircut, or sex change, it may be to avoid conflict rather than to bestow approval.

In general, it’s bad to ask questions to which you already know the answer and good to bring up topics you care about even if you must endure a bit of cloudiness before you get your answer. Don’t worry about mishaps. These things take practice! You’ve got time for practice! =)

4. You Must Make Time For Each Other

Sure, you see each other all the time. But how often do you block out the world and look into her/his/its/roar’s eyes as you listen for the tiny lilts and tensions that change the meaning of the words in your conversation? If you’re good at talking, when was the last time you blocked out time in your schedule just to quietly be with the person you love?

You might have painted grand pictures of spontaneity in the magical gallery of your romantic future. If that canvas doesn’t hold up as well as you’d expected, try scheduling time just to spend with your partner. As the saying goes, you can’t have spontaneous kisses in the rainy park if you don’t put walking in the park on your schedule! (Yes, it’s possible that I made up that saying. It still applies!)

5. You’ll Forget If You Don’t Do It Now

“Hey, would you mind helping me with … in a bit?” Is another way of saying, “If I were the type to blatantly order you to do things, I’d have you do this right now. But I’m too nice for that.”

Taking out the trash, giving back rubs, painting toenails, making salad, washing dishes, putting fossil fuels in the guzzler… all are things better done now instead of placed on the precarious shelf of the future.

Bonus Round:  It’s very, very hard to yell at somebody who is washing dishes.

Remember, if you always try to be the first to ask forgiveness, you’re guaranteed to enjoy make-up sex with greater joy and frequency than any of the stodgy grunts who say they know how to pick their battles. Patience, grace, and a fearless desire to make your partner happy are your most valuable tools. Use them well, dear friend!

Would you like to add something I missed or comment on something you found delightful or thought-provoking? Let me know in a comment! Thanks for sharing a bit of your day with me!

Live ferociously!

Simon

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Image: Just.luc,  jorge.miente

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Every person I’ve ever loved has left me – by their own volition or by my pushing them away.  The feeling that I’ll never quite live up is woven through the fiber of my being, causing doubt and fear to sweep in and take over. I end up like a turtle, hiding in my shell wishing life weren’t like this and wondering why me?

Instead of turning to the tried and true wine + cigarettes, I find new ways to pull myself out of these days of darkness, because they always seem to creep up on me when I’m least expecting it. Here are a few of my favorite suggestions for what to do when he leaves:

• Retail Therapy: I’m not advocating spending $3,000 in a day (although it can be – and has been -  done), but more the act of window shopping and buying yourself one thing that makes you happy. I’m a tactile person, so perusing bright accessories and feeling different surfaces makes me happy. Mint Julep always has fun stuff and Michael’s Crafts is always a great place to spend time, which brings me to my next solution…
• Scrapbook! Dorky? I suppose so. Excellent way to get your mind off things while being creative and accomplishing something? Absolutely!  Scrapbooking is a release for me, it makes me feel useful – like I’m finally doing something with all those pictures that are just sitting around.  It’s also satisfying to peruse the finished product. www.addictedtoscrapbooking.com has fantastic supplies and great sales, and the most comprehensive shop you could imagine. My favorite supplies are by Anna Griffin.
• Exercise: This is a tough one. When you’re down the last thing you want to do is go for a run or jump on the treadmill.  I won’t wax poetic about how the endorphins make you feel happier, blah, blah, blah…Just do it. Or do something that you wouldn’t necessarily consider exercise, like go canoeing or walk the dog. What to do when he leaves? Make an exit yourself and go see some of the world you live in!
• Read a book: I’m as obsessed with books as I am with shoes. Really. Which means I have more books than a person could imagine. There is something about the feel of the paper, curling up in my cashmere blanket with my cat and a glass of wine, losing myself in the story that is so comforting. A few of my faves for days like these are: The Stephanie Plum Series (holy HILARIOUS), anything by Elin Hildebrand (cause sometimes a girl just has to cry it out) or a good mystery, preferably by Dan Brown or William Martin.

Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking that instead of finding ways to emerge from the gloom, I should attack the real issue: pushing people out of my life. I agree.  But that’s a post for another day.  Or maybe a whole ‘nother blog in itself.  I’m working on it. And I have a pretty great guy who’s helping (no, not Seth, although he’s helping in his own right).

What about you? Have you been left? I’ve shared what I do when he leaves. (Fingers crossed that this one will work out!) What have you done to get your smile back in spite of the pain? I’d appreciate your insight!

Until next time,

Emma

Image: arwen

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Here’s my story:

Smoke curling from the ashtray. Half empty glass of red. Cold rain soaking the window sills. Wrapped in my cashmere blanket. Tears mingling with apricot lip gloss. David Gray’s “We’re Not Right”. Hands shaking. How could he? How could I not have known?

The cheap panties on the floor. Him, startled by my barging in. Her, soothing him with “it’s ok” and a smug smile that shined in the darkness.  My pulling him into the bathroom, demanding what was going on. Him, “nothing”. My pulling at his boxers, looking for what? Any sort of evidence, I suppose. Him pulling away. Then walking away. Me following, “If you love me, you’ll come with me now.” His silence. Her soft laugh. Him walking toward her. My pulling his arm. Him pulling away. The stinging slap. Backing toward the door. Running down the stairs. Throwing up in the bushes.

I’ll never forget that night nor the hell I put myself through for 6 months after. Taking him back. The lies. The drama. The sleuthing. The abuse. The fear. The anger, sadness, embarrassment, pain. Drunken nights. And days. Endless cigarettes. The sickness. Convincing myself that he loved me. That it was my fault. That I would die without him. So I existed. I didn’t live. Or love. Or care. I existed. Wasting away, fueled by cigarettes, wine and caffeine. Indulging in promiscuity. Excusing the abuse. Drifting in and out of the reality I somehow allowed my pain to create.

But there was still hope.

The summer bloomed fresh and shiny that year. Glorious sunshine beamed into my room and woke me from fitful tossing and turning. Warm breeze whispered along my collarbone as I stood on the lawn. I had made it, somehow, through the winter.For the first time in a long time, I felt alive. It was fleeting, but it was real. And it gave me hope. It unclouded my vision. I was lucky to have the good fortune to move away, closer to my family, and start anew. The fresh and new start allowed me to regain the strength I had known as a little girl – the belief I could face anything. I began to nourish my body again with food. I quit smoking. I resumed yoga and meditation.I’d like to say I had an “ah-ha” moment, but I didn’t. Somehow, in my soul, I just knew. So I moved forward, slowly. In time, I healed.

I struggled, but eventually pulled myself out of it. I walked. He stalked. Flowers at my door. Incessant calls to my cell, my home, my office. Showing up unannounced. Changed my number. Moved. Finally, it stopped.

It’s been over 6 years. I thought I was over it. I know I’m over him, I was over him that night. It’s the fear. The distrust. It’s stayed and haunted me. Most days, I don’t even think about it. But it creeps its way in and invades my inner calm. It starts as a low rumble and slowly takes over and soon, I’m that shaking, scared girl again, believing I’m not good enough and the new guy will certainly cheat. He’ll walk – run – at any time. How do I keep him? What can I do to be the perfect one? Near desperation sets in – I’m never good enough.

Am I scarred forever? Will I never trust? Even with the man who’s given me nothing but love? Or will I always wonder?

I ask myself a lot of questions and, at some level, I know I won’t ever have all the answers. I am certain of a few things though:

• Loving yourself is the key to loving another - Never ever will you be able to fully open your heart until you can look inward and respect what you see. Spend some quality time with yourself. (You can start out with a trusted friend who knows the value of silence and work up to time alone if need be.) Figure out what makes you–just you–happy, excited, intrigued, and even sad. As you regain touch with yourself and discover that your emotions need not be controlled by others, the fear of connecting with a new person slowly fades.
• Get over one habit by getting under another – I know the original phrase is a bit lewd, but the updated version makes a lot of sense! Here’s how to do it: Choose something you’ve always thought about doing and use the shake-up in your life to inspire your dedication to the new habit. Get up early every morning, work out every day, (great for feeling better!) learn a new language or meet up with friends for dinner every Thursday. It’s up to you! If you need to start with something very simple (I know I did) try washing the dishes ever night before you go to bed. Waking to an empty sink is a small reminder that yes, you actually did something useful the previous day. It helps!
• Don’t expect everything to happen at once – Remember how quickly things fell together in your last relationship? Don’t expect such swift trust in the future. It’s okay to take time and really learn about others before you give them your trust. If your new man really wants to be with you, he’ll be okay with waiting for you to make certain that you want the relationship as well. The real keepers are good about waiting. =)

And what about forgiveness? Should I have simply forgiven and forgotten? That will have to wait for a future article.

Have you ever had a partner cheat on you? What was your response? Would you be willing to share one of the things you learned with me? I’d appreciate it!

Love, Emma

Photo: Stephen Brace, christyscherrer

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Note: Post updated 9.16.2009

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“Married Peeps: What 140 characters of advice would you give to a single guy/gal who thinks “this one” might be “THE one”? Thanks!”

The responses were thoughtful, heartfelt, and humorous at times. I’ve placed the best answers below for you to peruse and perhaps even learn something from. Enjoy!

“Establish that your values are mostly similar & your opinions mostly different—& keep it that way.” – Daniel Thurston

“There is no ‘the one.’ But the one you choose for life becomes the one. Advice- Treat her like the one, and make yourself the two!” -Jay Brock

“New serious couples should discuss/weigh the big things (kids, church, money, heritage). It’s not all about romance.” - Dave Peckens

“My advice – There’s no “think.” You feel or you know, but thinking gets you in trouble.” - Ray Hartjen

“Advice: Give it a yr or 2 & have UR own lives.Focus on character, similar interests, how look at $/religion and values>then vows.” -Stacey Ross

“Don’t hyphenate when you marry! If she is the one, you still have to work at letting her know that, year after year.” – Rob Kerley

“Have you had a real fight? If not start one. If so, can you do it with love and respect? If not, wait until you can!” – Jesse Friedman

“What do you know about his/her childhood? family issues — and relationship w/siblings & live parents — will impact marriage. Dysfunctional family relationships in potential spouse not a deal breaker. But go in w/eyes open.” - Sarah Gilbert

“If you “think” they are the one, then they are not. When you know, you know.” – Michel Fortin

“Can you take a week-long vacay with her and not get into any blow-out-type fights? If yes, you’re well on your way.” - Arik Hanson

“Have patience. If you don’t have it, learn it. and if you have it, get more.” - Justin Parks

“Marriage is 10% bliss and 90% forgiveness of the other person’s shortcomings. Hard work but worth it.” - Nictos

“[you'll need (to be)] Sense of humor; thoughtfulness; supportive; understanding; be impressed by each other; unconditional trust; separate bank accounts.” – Teri Rehkopf

“If she doesn’t help inspire you each day, she’s not the one. Just working on 34 years, tho, so could be something different.” - Michael Whitlow

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did. If some bit of advice resonated with you, take a moment to get in touch with the author (names link to websites) and say thanks!

If you’ve got a bit of advice you’d like to add, share it in a comment. Thank you!

Seth

Inspirational Advice On Relationships & Marriage From Twitter | The Dating Papers

Photo credit: adwriter, is katz, skedonk, carlos nicora, theerin, fotorita, mad mannequin,

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I believe
When it hurts
We must keep on trying
But I want, And I need
Like a river needs the rain
There’s a bridge I need to burn before I leave
I just wanna breathe again
Like a summer’s day I need to feel the heat again

Since we’re being honest with one another here, I may as well be straight – I love Cher. She’s fabulous. Yes, she dresses kinda ridiculously and her hair is freakishly straight, but her music speaks to me. Like belt-it-out-at-the-top-of-my-lungs type of speaks to me. It fills me with wonder and enthusiasm and most importantly, hope. Somehow, she makes me believe that after all the pain and suffering, I’ll be alive again.

So, it’s without surprise that when I’m jetting around town, I blast her greatest hits – be it in Betty (yes, my car has a name) or on my gams, it’s Cher all the way. On this particular day I was zipping around in Betty and with it being a nice day and all, I had the top down. I was blasting

singing like it was my day job at a stop light. Mid head-roll I glance over at the car beside me and the hottest guy is behind the wheel. Laughing. At me.

I mean smoldering hot – dark hair, dark eyes, white polo.

And I mean LAUGHING. Hearing Cher’s words - I know I’ll be alive again/I wanna be alive again – I thought “what else is there to do?” so I turned to Hot Stuff, winked and laughed.

The light turned green and I sped off, horribly embarrassed.

I was on my way to Neiman’s sale but needed an espresso frappuccino light first so I pulled into Starbucks, grabbed my clutch and ran in. While waiting for the barista to whip up my liquid cocaine, I felt a light tap on my shoulder.

Holy crap.

Hot Stuff was standing behind me, smiling. I felt the blush creep up my neck and spread across my face. “Although, the type of music leaves something to be desired, it’s nice to see a girl who can laugh at herself,” he said.

Breathe, Emma, breathe.

“Um, thanks. But have you listened to Cher, like really listened to her?” I retorted.

Seriously Emma, why did you just say that?!

“Can’t say I have,” said Hot Stuff.

“Oh, you should give it a listen”

Seriously? Stop. Talking. Now. “

Quad tall espresso frappuccino light” the barista called from the bar.

“Oh, that’s me. Great talking to you” I grabbed my drink and hightailed it out of there.

Thinking back, I wish I had been cool enough to say something incredibly smart or asked for his number. What I was able to do was more important then sounding cool. I was able to laugh. And while I thought about it, I realized, albeit slowly, I was becoming alive again. Thank you Cher, and Hot Stuff, for reminding me that there is life after love.

photo credit: desiree delgado

Finding life after love: “Alive again” from @emmafrisoni at The Dating Papers

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Ever get the feeling you’re being too picky about a guy?

We were at La Voile, dining on whatever it is one eats when they go to a French restaurant. Tucker had ordered for both of us, in flawless French, so I had no idea what was on my plate. It was delicious though!

He had impeccable manners – brought me flowers, opened doors, pulled out my chair, etc. The conversation didn’t lack either, we debated President Obama’s first months in office (he: skeptical, me: impressed) and then the talk drifted to our childhood heroes (he: Superman me: She-ra Princess of Power).

Fast forward 2 days: A delivery of cupcakes from Party Favors and an invitation to dinner on Saturday night. I called Lanie right away so we could munch on fantastic cupcakes, sip pink prosecco and discuss The Problem.

What problem? Yes, there was one.  I just didn’t feel it.

The butterflies, the excitement, all the things the princesses experience in the fairy tales we read as little girls and dream about as we grow up. It wasn’t there.  He was intelligent, good looking, sweet and did all the things our ‘princes’ are supposed to do. But he wasn’t MY prince.  Not for lack of trying, and certainly not because he wasn’t worthy, but because I didn’t feel those butterflies that ‘everyone’ talks about.

As Lanie and I munched our way towards a sugar high of monumental proportions, we pondered if the butterflies really meant something or if the fairy tales we dreamed of as girls had led us to a romantic lifetime of disappointment.

This wasn’t the first guy I’d stopped seeing because I didn’t feel the butterflies, but Tucker was the first ‘perfect’ guy I gave up for no apparent good reason.  Since he wasn’t my prince, did that make him a frog?  If so, did I cast off an intelligent, good looking sweet frog just because he was a frog?

As women, we’re conditioned to settle for nothing less than perfect.  In some areas of life this makes us quite successful. (I still get compliments on those Chanel pumps I suffered a black eye for down in Filene’s Basement when that bitch claimed she had them first) In others, we become so engrossed in what society has taught us is ‘right’ that we look past the good guys and toward the unattainable.

The importance of “chemistry” in a relationship is something I wonder about often. How much do the sparks really matter in the end? Have you ever “settled” for a frog that later turned into a prince?

I’d love to know your thoughts!

Love, Emma

Kissing Frogs and Chemistry | The Dating Papers

photo credits: mait jurado, jay

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Not so fast, sister.

Before you start painting your white picket fence, you need to take this relationship on the road. Some character traits only become obvious when you’re away from your regular routine, and you need to know these things before you give him a key to your place, much less your heart.

Without further delay, I give you the list (totally subjective, of course, but meticulously researched via one failed marriage, one successful marriage, and many relationships in between.)

1) The Control Freak

A man who won’t let you do or decide anything (“it’s more romantic if you let me do it!”) is a man who wants control. Give him an inch and he’ll take a mile, and one day you’ll wake up wondering where you got lost along the way.

Sharing the chores of travel, alternating who picks the restaurant for dinner each night, and even giving each other personal time are signs that your man is looking for a partnership.

It may be more trouble to carry your own luggage or book the hotel, but in the end you’ll be glad you did. We should all be able to carry our own weight in a relationship.

2) Quick to Anger Guy

With travel comes the chance of delays, missed flights, and lost luggage. It is rarely the ticket agent’s fault, but those poor souls usually bear the brunt of this frustration from grumpy travelers.

Does your man lose his cool when these things happen? Or does he take it in stride, contact the appropriate people to resolve the issue, and then move on from the situation?

Believe me, you want the second guy in that scenario. In real life, the grumpy guy will take his anger out on the closest person instead of the right person, and if you are his mate it will often be you.

3) Mr. Everything is a BIG DEAL

Is your guy a roller or a squeezer? More importantly, is he frustrated that you aren’t the same way? I’m talking about dispensing toothpaste, of course.

If you are sharing toothpaste for the first time and he makes a big deal over you squeezing instead of rolling, he is a man who doesn’t know how to choose his battles. Life is too short to waste on petty disagreements like this.

A man who can work around minor differences in habit (use 2 mini tubes instead of one big one) is a man who will be more easygoing on a day-to-day basis.

Who needs that kind of drama first thing in the morning, anyway?

4) Closed-Minded Man

If you travel outside the US or even outside your geographic area, you are likely to encounter people who live differently than you do. Is your man interested and tolerant of these people, or does he ridicule them for being different from him?

Let’s face it: A man who is interested is a man who is interesting.

And living your life with a guy who has it all figured out (“if only everyone else would think like me!”) is a guy who won’t be interesting to you for long.

(If he’s a racist, homophobe or misogynist that likely already came out before your first trip and I hope you’ve already dumped him.)

5) The Macho Man Who Never Needs Help

Face it, he’s probably not going to come up with the idea to ask for directions, even if he’s clearly lost. But he shouldn’t freak out if you do.

He wants you to think he’s a walking GPS. He wants you to feel safe and secure with him, and he probably wants to show off a little bit, too. We all get lost, though, and wasting hours trying to find something when a question to a local can solve it in minutes is just plain crazy and can ruin an otherwise fun trip.

Knowing when to accept help is a desirable trait in a mate, whether you are talking about asking for directions when lost or finally giving up on a disastrous home-improvement project and calling a professional.

So, What Will He Learn About You?

This article is written under the assumption that you are a worthy match for this ideal travel guy. After all, it’s not fair to ask him to be a great travel partner if you break the rules.

Do you act in a way that would attract the kind of guy you want? Do you make a trip more enjoyable for other people? Being the kind of partner you want is the best recipe for finding him!

The pleasures and stresses of travel bring out the best and worst in all of us, which is why it is such a good way to learn a lot about each other in a short period of time.

Have you taken your relationship on the road? What did you learn about each other?

5 Things You Only Learn about a Man if You Travel with Him

Photos: borzikako, ooh ooh

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Betsy Talbot writes about carving the lifestyle you want out of the life you already have at www.marriedwithluggage.com. When she’s not writing, she’s paring down, saving up, and getting ready for a year of travel with her husband. Subscribe to her blog [here]

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