Emotional twists and turns, lost sleep, and late night cereal laughed out the nose are in your future. But what about breakfast in bed, Sunday snuggles on the couch, and surprise embraces that escalate into neighbor-worrying frolic? It takes a bit more time, care, and whimsy to consistently squeeze such joy out of a relationship.

Here are five concepts that have consistently brought joy (and, you know, other things ^^) to my relationships:

1. The Toilet Seat Matters

You’ve heard about arguments that started because the toilet seat was left up? First, nobody argues about toilet seats. They argue because they feel ignored, annoyed, and under-serviced.

Here’s a quick fix: Implement a house rule that the toilet lid will be placed in a closed position after each use.

This is a good idea for two reasons:

1. It’s something girls AND boys have to do – No more yelling at the boy because he didn’t put the seat down when he finished doing his fireman dance. If everybody has to put the lid down, then the toilet seat is no longer something to argue about.
2. It’s sanitary – The toilet lid keeps things from falling in and reduces the amount of yickety bits that get into the air you breathe. Think if it this way: If you kept a bucket of poop in your kitchen, wouldn’t you want the lid shut? Unless you disinfect your toilet with each use (which we know you don’t) then you’ve essentially got a poop bucket in your house. Put a lid on it!

Make a game of it if you like. Whoever leaves the toilet open has to clean the bathroom, perhaps? Games involving household chores can be a very, very good thing.

2. Bring Attention To Things You Care About

Make a deal with your housemate/lover/soul mate/spouse/tenant to bring attention to things you’ve done that you’d like thanks, praise, or acknowledgement for. What? You expect your partner to just notice things? That might last for a few weeks, or even months. Eventually, dear idealist, you will see the sense of my words.

This one takes two to play, but the results tend to be pretty dramatic.

For example, let’s say you get home from work early and decide to give the fridge a good scrubbing. It’s shiny, smells like lemon cleaner, and the butter is actually in the butter cubby in the fridge door. You’ve done a bang-up job!

Does your partner notice when it/she/he/roar walks in after a particularly bad day at work? Not naturally, no. However, if you agreed previously to bring attention to things you care about, you’ll point out that you scrubbed the fridge. Your partner will remember the agreement and thank you for scrubbing the fridge before ordering you upstairs to run a hot bath and make some chocolate-covered strawberries. (I’ve never lived with somebody who did that for me. Bath, yes. Strawberries, check. Both? Nevah.)

Now, if you had asked your partner to scrub the fridge 6 times before said scrubbing took place, it will take some patience and understanding on your part to graciously thank him/her/it/roar for the effort. Stuff your pride back in its box and be thankful. If you’re lucky, your partner won’t mock you for leaving the toilet lid up as you clean the bathroom for the fifth week in a row!

3. No News is Not Good News

This is a simple one. As you grow accustomed to sharing space and interacting regularly with this creature you once found adorable, you’ll probably begin to avoid certain conversations under the guise of “picking battles.” You might think you’re doing a good thing for your relationship, but it’s unlikely that holding back your feelings and keeping silent will do anything but steal more joy from your life.

Surprise! It’s also very likely that your partner is doing the exact same thing. Silence on both sides means lots of dead air space around situations and topics that truly deserve your attention and conversation. As such, when your partner says nothing about your new computer, haircut, or sex change, it may be to avoid conflict rather than to bestow approval.

In general, it’s bad to ask questions to which you already know the answer and good to bring up topics you care about even if you must endure a bit of cloudiness before you get your answer. Don’t worry about mishaps. These things take practice! You’ve got time for practice! =)

4. You Must Make Time For Each Other

Sure, you see each other all the time. But how often do you block out the world and look into her/his/its/roar’s eyes as you listen for the tiny lilts and tensions that change the meaning of the words in your conversation? If you’re good at talking, when was the last time you blocked out time in your schedule just to quietly be with the person you love?

You might have painted grand pictures of spontaneity in the magical gallery of your romantic future. If that canvas doesn’t hold up as well as you’d expected, try scheduling time just to spend with your partner. As the saying goes, you can’t have spontaneous kisses in the rainy park if you don’t put walking in the park on your schedule! (Yes, it’s possible that I made up that saying. It still applies!)

5. You’ll Forget If You Don’t Do It Now

“Hey, would you mind helping me with … in a bit?” Is another way of saying, “If I were the type to blatantly order you to do things, I’d have you do this right now. But I’m too nice for that.”

Taking out the trash, giving back rubs, painting toenails, making salad, washing dishes, putting fossil fuels in the guzzler… all are things better done now instead of placed on the precarious shelf of the future.

Bonus Round:  It’s very, very hard to yell at somebody who is washing dishes.

Remember, if you always try to be the first to ask forgiveness, you’re guaranteed to enjoy make-up sex with greater joy and frequency than any of the stodgy grunts who say they know how to pick their battles. Patience, grace, and a fearless desire to make your partner happy are your most valuable tools. Use them well, dear friend!

Would you like to add something I missed or comment on something you found delightful or thought-provoking? Let me know in a comment! Thanks for sharing a bit of your day with me!

Live ferociously!

Simon

If you’d like to receive future articles like this for free, click here for a free email subscription to The Dating Papers or here for RSS updates.

Image: Just.luc,  jorge.miente

5 Things To Know Before You Move In Together

Related posts:

1. The Importance of Being Earnest
2. 5 Things A Man Should Never Criticize A Woman For
3. Too Late For Love – Part 1

Never criticize a woman for…

1. Her Weight

The lightning isn’t striking any closer, your lady’s thighs just have some added thunder. You, being the observant kind of guy who will step over a pair of pants on the bedroom floor for three weeks but instantly notice every blemish on her body, feel compelled to make a comment. SHUT YOUR FACE. Seriously. Say nothing.

Here’s why I recommend silence when it comes to directly discussing her weight:

1. She already knows about the weight gain – Telling her that you noticed the change in her body won’t go over well…especially since you’re probably not good about noticing positive details.

2. It’s probably not something she wants – There’s a reason “Biggest Gainer” with Roseanne Barr as the outspoken eating coach is not a hit TV show. Most people would like to lose a bit of weight and chances are that your lady is feeling a bit frustrated and powerless over her body right now.

When you criticize her body, you criticize her at what can often be a very emotionally-charged and intensely personal level of her identity.

Not sure what I mean? Example: If she suggested that you try out a new penis-enl@rgement medication, how would you feel? C’mon! She’s just making a helpful suggestion about something she knows you’d like to change! Get my drift? Good.

2. Her Makeup

The only type of makeup you need to worry about is the kind you’ll need after she blackens your eye in response to a critique of her makeup.

You’ll need a liquid yellow-based (for black/blue bruise) or light green-based (for yellow/brown bruise – after the black &  blue has healed a bit) concealer as well as a concealer  that matches your normal skin tone.

Use your fingers to gently smooth a layer of the color-based concealer over your bruise and blend outward over a bit of the surrounding skin.

Once the first  coat is dry, apply a layer of your skin-tone concealer over the color-based one. If you want to get really snazzy, a good makeup brush (large circular one, not the fan-shaped or paint brush-like ones) with a bit of powder will help you look like more like a guy who knows when to keep his mouth shut.

(If she actually attacks you violently in response to a comment on her makeup, consider loving somebody else? In the meantime, the black-eye tip works great. Note it well, friend!)

3. Her Family

She didn’t choose the family she was born into (family of origin) and you don’t get a vote in picking the people she’s close to now. (family of choice) Vote NO on criticizing her family because, while you may find them to be all kinds of infuriating, they are a part of what makes her unique. Hate on what makes her unique and–you guessed it–you’re hating on her.

That’s just a dumb way to go about a relationship. (If you didn’t already learn it in college, do a quick search on family of origin vs. choice and get some knowledge!)

4. Her Fashion

Here’s a conversation that probably won’t get you into trouble:

You: “I can think of something that would look much better than that tramp sack you’re wearing.”
Her: “Yeah? What’s that?”
You: “The Michael Kors dress you’d wanted that’s sitting in a bag on your desk, obviously.”

But chances are you don’t know enough about her fashion sense to buy her something she’d really like. There’s also a very good chance that you don’t know much about fashion in general nor do you have a neatly-honed personal sense of style.

As such, it’s best to let her dress as she pleases and make a point to let her know that ‘You’re beautiful” doesn’t depend on what she’s wearing.

5. Her Mood

“Are you on your period?” = One of the quickest ways to push a conversation into idiot territory.

“You look tired” = An easy way to be taken off the “I’d sleep with him, given the chance” list.

“Why are you so grouchy?” = A great way to get an answer that will forever remind you not to ask that question again!

Just as it was with offering criticism to a woman because of her weight, criticising a woman directly because of her mood is a dangerous foray into stating the obvious.

She knows when she’s happy, sad, annoyed, angry, or apathetic. What she might not know is whether or not the things she tries to communicate to you are really making it into your brain. Instead telling her she’s been grouchy lately and you’re tired of it, why not ask her about her life and find out if there’s anything you can do to help reduce her stress level?

Any effort you put into clear communication will typically be rewarded by an improved relationship or the realization that it’s time to FedEx yourself to Uganda for a change in world view.

—————–

Summary: It’s unlikely that direct criticism of any particular aspect of a woman’s existence will result in anything less than an argument and hurt feelings.

—————–

Ladies, is there anything you’d like to add? A bit of criticism perhaps or a story that might illustrate a point more vividly than I was able? Thanks for your input!

If you enjoyed this article, a thumbs-up on Stumbleupon or sharing with your Twitter followers would be much appreciated!

photo: anita robicheau

Related posts:

1. The Importance of Being Earnest
2. Who Should Pay On The First Date?
3. Is It Okay To Tell Her She Looks Fat?

by Sarah Joy Albrecht

“Do I look fat in this dress?”

Next to being asked to get snipped, this is the dreaded question that men fear most from women.

How can he answer this loaded, Catch-22? If he answers “yes,” he’s in the doghouse. If he says “no,” he’s “not being honest” and God forbid a girlfriend points out the obvious during a trip the ladies’ room.

Believe it or not, my husband Tom and I have had a “do I look fat in this dress” pact since the beginning of our marriage, when I was healthy size eight.

Ten years, five kids and an abdominal myomectomy later, I was considering starting a reclaim-my-body exercise regimen and I asked my husband the dreaded question.

He ducked and dutifully answered in the affirmative.

I did not hit him.

“It’s okay for me to say that because you told me to be honest,” he said, peering through his fingers. “Remember the pact?!”

“Yes,” I replied, through clenched teeth. “I remember.”

Tom quickly promised me that I was lovely and desirable to him, and would continue to be, even if I didn’t lose a single inch from my waistline. He even gave me a flirtatious look that assured me he meant what he said.

“Make a list of things you need,” he said. He then funded my workout gear, even encouraging me to get the more expensive weight set so that it would be more durable.

On the occasions I’ve growled and hit “snooze” on my Japanese cell phone’s wake-up alarm, he’s even gone as far as saying “C’mon, love, put your feet on the tatami mat” when I don’t feel like to rolling out of my futon in the wee hours of the morning. (Although, in this case, I think it’s just a masked excuse to sadistically fling off my cozy blankets and watch me beg for mercy!)

Why am I happy, instead of offended, that Tom answered honestly? Because our pact has been the single most motivating item on my list of reasons for sticking with my exercise routine. I want to look my best for him, especially since he loves me even when I’m not my physical best. (Not to mention he’s been by my side through thick and thin while I gained those extra pounds.) Tom was honest and supportive both verbally and monetarily – without guilting me over the budget – when it mattered most. That’s love.

It is because we have the foundation of forever in place that we can be so frank with each other. He’s my bestfriendinthewholewideworld, and I’d rather hear it from him than anyone else.

Still wondering about having a potentially embarrassing pact with your significant other? Think of it this way: If you were at a restaurant, wouldn’t you want your closest friend to tell you that you have spinach stuck between your teeth?

I would!

Would you consider a “do I look fat in this?” pact or would you prefer your partner always insist that you’re the perfect weight? Let me know! =)

RT @datingpapers When Is It Okay to Tell Her She Looks Fat?

photo credit: fazen
—————————————————————————————–

Sarah said she’d follow her husband Tom to the ends of the earth. He called her bluff, and they moved from their house in Pennsylvania to live by the sea in northern Japan. They homeschool their five progeny, all born after 2001. She loves people, writes for fun and thinks about God constantly. You can find her blog at http://sarahjoyalbrecht.com or follow her @mrsalbrecht on Twitter.

Related posts:

1. How To Sleep Alone
2. Have I Found The One? Should We Get Married? Help!
3. The Importance of Being Earnest

“Married Peeps: What 140 characters of advice would you give to a single guy/gal who thinks “this one” might be “THE one”? Thanks!”

The responses were thoughtful, heartfelt, and humorous at times. I’ve placed the best answers below for you to peruse and perhaps even learn something from. Enjoy!

“Establish that your values are mostly similar & your opinions mostly different—& keep it that way.” – Daniel Thurston

“There is no ‘the one.’ But the one you choose for life becomes the one. Advice- Treat her like the one, and make yourself the two!” -Jay Brock

“New serious couples should discuss/weigh the big things (kids, church, money, heritage). It’s not all about romance.” - Dave Peckens

“My advice – There’s no “think.” You feel or you know, but thinking gets you in trouble.” - Ray Hartjen

“Advice: Give it a yr or 2 & have UR own lives.Focus on character, similar interests, how look at $/religion and values>then vows.” -Stacey Ross

“Don’t hyphenate when you marry! If she is the one, you still have to work at letting her know that, year after year.” – Rob Kerley

“Have you had a real fight? If not start one. If so, can you do it with love and respect? If not, wait until you can!” – Jesse Friedman

“What do you know about his/her childhood? family issues — and relationship w/siblings & live parents — will impact marriage. Dysfunctional family relationships in potential spouse not a deal breaker. But go in w/eyes open.” - Sarah Gilbert

“If you “think” they are the one, then they are not. When you know, you know.” – Michel Fortin

“Can you take a week-long vacay with her and not get into any blow-out-type fights? If yes, you’re well on your way.” - Arik Hanson

“Have patience. If you don’t have it, learn it. and if you have it, get more.” - Justin Parks

“Marriage is 10% bliss and 90% forgiveness of the other person’s shortcomings. Hard work but worth it.” - Nictos

“[you'll need (to be)] Sense of humor; thoughtfulness; supportive; understanding; be impressed by each other; unconditional trust; separate bank accounts.” – Teri Rehkopf

“If she doesn’t help inspire you each day, she’s not the one. Just working on 34 years, tho, so could be something different.” - Michael Whitlow

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did. If some bit of advice resonated with you, take a moment to get in touch with the author (names link to websites) and say thanks!

If you’ve got a bit of advice you’d like to add, share it in a comment. Thank you!

Seth

Inspirational Advice On Relationships & Marriage From Twitter | The Dating Papers

Photo credit: adwriter, is katz, skedonk, carlos nicora, theerin, fotorita, mad mannequin,

Related posts:

1. Should I Give Up On This Girl?
2. 5 Things to Know Before You Move In Together
3. Is It Okay To Tell Her She Looks Fat?

Ladies, how would you respond if a guy you liked wrote and performed the following song for you?

I’m guessing you’d love it. Perhaps you’ve never played Mario Kart and have no idea about how much of a gift it is for somebody to take a blue shell for you. Chances are you might not dig silly yarn mustaches or even like guitars. Even so, you’d love it if a guy wrote and performed a song about how much he likes you in terms of Mario Kart. Right?

Guys, here’s why:

1. Because effort counts

Simply trying to make her happy counts for a lot. You don’t have to place your finger on the pulse of a woman’s soul in order to bring a smile to her face. Just be creative and put your heart into the effort. That said, building a 50ft tall statue of Vladimir Putin out of marshmallows in the name of love is just weird. A good rule of thumb is to keep it simple and as personal as possible. She’ll see how much you care!

2. Because embarrassment matters

“Putting yourself out there” counts for a lot in every relationship. Being vulnerable is scary stuff and it means a lot when you risk embarrassment in order to prove your affection for her. That said, if there’s a chance that she’ll be embarrassed as well, change your plans. There’s a difference between letting a woman know you care about her and singing a song at her birthday party about how good she is in bed. (Although I know a few women who’d love that.) Only throw caution to the wind where you’re sure it won’t blow right back into your face.

3. Because intent always wins

If your effort fails and you embarrass everybody involved, don’t worry. Intent has the final word. “I was only trying to make you happy,” if it’s genuine, is one of the only phrases in the English language that will earn you instant forgiveness for idiotic behavior.

You might not be talented, athletic, or even very creative. That’s okay. If she knows you at all, she’ll already know your limitations and appreciate the effort you’ve put into making her happy. Get out there and make some smiles!

Ladies, did you like the video? Has a guy ever done something really crazy just to show you he cared? Tell us about it!

Guys, when was the last time you risked life, limb, or pride to show a lady how much she meant to you? What did you do?

Thanks for sharing!

Seth

The Importance of Being Earnest | The Dating Papers

photo credit: ilovetrance

Related posts:

1. What Are The Best Songs To Play During a Date?
2. 5 Things A Man Should Never Criticize A Woman For
3. Why Men Don’t Want To Date Strong Women

Lets dispense with the bad news — this is not “Dr. Simpson’s black book of women in modeling, or his girlfriend’s contact list from her iphone.” Let’s expand the definition of model to anyone from the high school cheerleader to the local news anchor. We are going to assume there is a person out there that you feel you have an interest in – while she may be a physical beauty, you have more in common than just the pretty face (or other parts).

If the latest Madonna song “speaks to you,” and you think you want to have a date with Madonna based on that song — you are about two steps away from being a stalker.

So we are making a few assumptions here:

• The model you want to ask out on a date is someone that you have a genuine interest in.
• She is someone you can be introduced to (have some access to).
• She who won’t be asking the sheriff to enforce a restraining order on you for previous behavior.

Start out with a few simple things –

When it comes to beautiful women, there are a lot of guys who want to impress them. You do not need to be one. She gets a lot of goodies in life. You may think a lot of buying a bottle of Dom for dinner. Don’t be shocked that she doesn’t think much of it. Guys buy her stuff like that all the time. In fact, she’s probably tired of guys who think the next bottle of wine will win her over.

Now, if it is a bottle from your winery, that only you can get — and you know that she likes that wine – great. But for most people, this is not an option.

Money does impress, but chances are she has more than you and doesn’t want to talk about it. Why? Because before you talked to her, she was hit on by a billionaire, and while the thought of being Mrs. Billionaire crossed her mind, her fear of boredom quickly overcame it. She is used to guys throwing money around like confetti in a parade. If you have a lot of income, or money – she will learn soon enough. Until then, don’t try to buy your way into a date – that’s boring.

So what does she want? — shocking, but she wants someone she can relate to. Not that she expects you understand fashion, extensive travel, or five star hotels – just be someone to talk to.

Conversation and interests are the key. You have your job, whatever it is – -and some of that can be interesting. Just understand that most “shop talk” is about as interesting as discussing how high the corn is for a farmer. Most of us have a lot of outside interests. Yes, you can talk politics, religion, or any other issue with her as much as you would with any prospective mate.

When it comes to models, top models, or super models there is a perception, probably brought on by the show, “Next Top Model” that these women are not that smart. Trust me, it takes more than just beauty to make it to the top. Many models are well-traveled (for somewhat obvious reasons) and have wide interests including politics, the environment, nature, science, and the third world. Some have their own blogs (under pseudonyms), and a few Twitter. Having a great give-and-take conversation will give her reason to see you as thoughtful and interesting.

Where to take her? Think casual. If you think an high-end restaurant, like Babo, Chez Panisse, or Tarbell’s is a great first date– well, you are trying to impress her again. Stop! Why a casual first date? First, it takes the pressure off you to impress. Second, it means you can listen to her about things she wants or is interested in. If things go well there is plenty of time to eat out at great places, and if you cook –well, that is another bonus.

Do not assume you know what she likes to eat. One of my girlfriend’s good friends was taken to a steak house — which was fine, but her “date” didn’t know she was a vegetarian — and it kinda went over like a Baby Ruth in a swimming pool. On one of my first dates with Darcie, I asked what her favorite childhood food was — hot dogs. I asked if she still liked them, she did. We went to a great local hot dog place.

When a model goes to a casual establishment, she can dress how she likes, which often means many people won’t recognize her. That’s ok – -on a date you want people to leave you alone so you can learn about the each other. Here is a head’s up – -she won’t look the same in blue jeans and a baseball cap – -she will look great, but not quite like the cover of Vogue.

Setting the stage for a good date allows you to feel comfortable also. It allows you to really talk to the person, and eliminates the background of a restaurant that is the show itself.

Also, If you take her to a casual place and it turns out you have nothing in common, well, you had a date with a supermodel and it didn’t cost you too much.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and classic beauty is an act of random genetics. Models are people, with interests, ideas, and imagination. Find that person, that inner person – that is the purpose of your date.

You can follow Dr. Terry Simpson on Twitter or read his blog at The Skeptic Doc.

photos via Flickr: PLJP, LHD, VB

Related posts:

1. How Do You Tell a Guy Who’s Asked You On a Date That You’ll Go – But Only As Friends?
2. Why Men Don’t Want To Date Strong Women
3. Who Should Pay On A First Date?