The rain hitting the windows softly glowed as he lit each candle and placed it in its sconce. The mustardy gold walls gave off an amber hue in the candlelight and his brown eyes were deep with desire. I sipped prosecco as I leaned against the pillows, seductively arranged in only my bra, garter and thigh highs; waiting as he turned on his iPod to a soft ambient playlist…

Although the setting was near perfect, I was still nervous. It wasn’t like it was my first time, but it was with him and I didn’t want to mess it up. I had known him for a few months and the chemistry was there, the sexual tension was strong and now that it was finally time, I was afraid?? While trying to look effortlessly sexy, I went through my mental checklist:

• Brazilian – check
• Hair styled perfectly – check
• Perfume behind the knees – check
• Light dusting of baby powder “down there” – check
• Shaved legs and armpits – check
• Waterproof mascara – check
• Deodorant – check
• Listerine – check
• Manicure/pedicure – check

Everything was done, so what was I so worried about? Maybe he won’t like the baby powder scent? Or the perfume. Was my breath too listerine-y? I knew the mascara wasn’t running because it was waterproof. I took another sip of prosecco and decided to enjoy the moment.

What is your checklist? Do you have one – just for new partners or for the one you’ve been with for awhile? Did I miss anything on mine? Tell me! I’d love to hear!

image: panties

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by Amelia Holzapfel

“There just aren’t any good men in this town.” Pouted my friend Ashley as we waited for our food to arrive. My response? The trick isn’t to find a “good man” but to find one who is real and figure out if you can learn to deal with his imperfections. Ashley needs a real man, I need a real man who only responds to my booty calls, and you?
Here are 12 signs the man you’ve found is a real man. It’s up to you what you do with him after you find him.

1. He’s Observant –

Not only will he see the man wearing a blue shirt in this photo, he’ll notice when you get your hair cut, wear a new outfit, or drop a pound or two. He’ll still notice other women. That’s okay. He notices pretty much everything. We all notice huge boobs, right? Don’t hate. He’s just being real with you.

2. He’s Got Tact –

He knows when to be silent. It’s great to have a man who knows how to say the right thing. That’s not as important as having a man who knows when to be silent and just hold you when you’ve had a shit day. A real man might not be able to woo your parents with thoughtful commentary but the worst they’ll think is that he’s quiet. Being quiet is a far better trait than being stupid. A real man tries not to be stupid when he can help it.

3. He’s Accepting –

If you’ve always wanted to pretend like you were Arielle from The Little Mermaid and have a handsome prince snatch your lithe self from the waves, a real man will play along because he knows it’s something you want. Of course, doing anything naked will make a real man more agreeable. Want to yell at him? Do it naked and he’ll be less likely to resent you for it.

4. He’s Flexible –

A real man might not be able to touch his own toes, let alone bend into a human pretzel. But he will be able to sleep on concrete, wear the same clothes for days, and survive for indefinite periods of time in beer and ramen noodles. Any man who says he couldn’t survive under the same conditions is either lying to appeal to your fair nose or is hiding a sex change. If he’s being real with you, he’ll admit to his, um, flexibility when it comes to lifestyle options. How is this good for you? A real man’s flexibility means he’ll be able to take your ups and downs, curves and flats, and wild ideas in stride. If a real man loves you, he’ll flex to you. That’s huge.

5. He Can Amuse Himself –

A real man doesn’t wait around for you to keep him company and make him laugh. He finds his own stuff to do. You might find everything he does to be entirely amusing or sanitary, but that’s not the point. A real man doesn’t expect you to love everything he does in pursuit of amusement. Goodness, be happy that he doesn’t look to you as his sole source of amusement! Be real with yourself for a moment: You’re probably not that interesting. Want a real man to stick with you? Encourage him to seek his own hobbies and amusements. This doesn’t mean you have to encourage him to belch out the American anthem during dinner out. What it does mean is that you don’t have to constantly worry about impressing or amusing him. He can find his own laughs sometimes.

6. He’s Confident –

He isn’t afraid to admit when he’s wrong or isn’t sure of things. Well, most of the time. If he thinks you’ll mock him or think less of him for not knowing something, he’ll try to gain time so he can figure things out. Remember how I said that a real man tries not to be stupid? That’s a benefit when it comes to avoiding embarrassment but also a downside when you’re trying to figure things out quickly.

Let a real man know you accept him, flaws included, and he’ll be better about admitting to those flaws. You have the power to make your man feel like shit or THE shit. A real man won’t expect you to coddle him but he’ll appreciate it and respond well when you take the time to let him know you think he’s awesome… mostly.

7. He Has A Sense Of Humor –

A real man knows how to take a joke and never takes himself too seriously.

8. He Takes Time For Himself –

A real man knows he needs time for himself to sort through things and just enjoy life. This comes in different forms for different men but suffice it to say that if you don’t let him have time for himself, he’ll go nuts on you. Learn to recognize when he’s built up a lot of mental tension and let him go. It’s not the sort of tension you can fix with a quickie (although that can help). A real man doesn’t need time alone because he hates you. He needs it so that he won’t learn to hate you. Let him have it.

9. He’s Compassionate –

A real man cares about others even if he doesn’t always show it. He might not run around trying to find people to help but if he sees somebody in need, a real man will almost always try to help. When you first start spending time with a real man he’ll often ask if he can do anything to help when you’re having a bad day.

Avoid telling him to leave you alone even if that’s what you really want. Doing so will make him feel like you don’t want his help. That’s a crusher. Give him something to do and smile when he does it. He’ll keep trying and trying and trying to make you happy. Real men are handy like that.

10. He’s True To His Word –

He’ll do everything in his power to keep his promises. Even if that means doing something idiotic like eating 50 eggs.

11. He’s Brave –

A real man isn’t afraid to try new things, take calculated risks, or jump headlong into crazy ideas. If he was, chances are he wouldn’t try a relationship with you. (Or me, I’ll admit to a bit of the crazy bug.) The only thing most real men are afraid of is losing the respect of the women they love. That might sound cheesy but I’ve seen enough men break down when I got bored of them to know it’s true.

12. He’s Patient –

A real man won’t try to force you to be with him. He’ll try to impress you and convince you that he’s worth your time, but he won’t force you to do anything. If you find a real man you won’t have to worry about unwanted groping, date rape, or worse. He’ll take the time to get to know you and take things at a speed you’re comfortable with.

A real man will wait for you to open your arms to him. If you find one, you’d best open them quickly before some smarter women comes along to claim him for herself. Don’t hate. As you’re well aware, it’s hard to find a real man these days.

Have you found a real man? Perhaps you have some traits of a real man to add from your personal experience? Let me know!

Images: Lou Varone, Borghetti, PurpleMattFish, BombDog, SlightlyNorth, Omnia Mutantur, A Pinna, PaulQi, Svenwerk, Vogfld

12 Signs You’ve Found A Real Man

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It was our fourth date when Coleen popped the question. She was smart, funny, beautiful, and confident of her talents. We’d had a lot of fun hanging out and I, classy dude that I am, hadn’t pushed for anything physical… yet.

Coleen just had something about her that said, “don’t touch me quite yet” that I figured was a good idea to respect.

That changed when she slipped from her side of the table in the softly lit corner of the restaurant and scooted into the seat beside me. (Irish pub, booths, yep.)

I thought, “Yes! She’s finally over whatever is bothering her. Snog time!”

Instead, she leaned toward me, paused, and popped the question:

Would you freak out if I told you I had two kids?

I didn’t freak out. I don’t have a problem with kids and see no reason why a person should treat another poorly for having given birth.

The thing that bothered me was Coleen’s timing in waiting so long to tell me that she had two enormous commitments chilling with a babysitter at home.

I was annoyed that she hadn’t told me right away. When I asked her about the delay she said only that she hadn’t wanted to scare me away and that her friends had said I’d be cool with it if I really liked her.

I wasn’t interested.

Looking back, I wonder if I did the right thing? On what date should a single mom admit to having kids? Was Coleen right to wait so long to tell me about her kids?

I asked some friends for their input:

Seth said,

“She should tell him about her kids right around the same time she’d like him to tell her if he’s a registered sex offender.”

Emma said,

“I think she should tell him once she’s sure she likes him. It’s the difference between inviting somebody to a party in college and inviting them home for Thanksgiving. It’s important to get to know the guy a little bit before you spring potentially life-altering news on him.”

Amelia took some pot shots at Coleen’s garment choices (long story) before remarking,

“It seems like dating as a single mom would be something like dating when you’re HIV-positive. You know, you’ve got this thing that would scare most guys away but you’re hoping that you’ll somehow meet one who wants to be with you no matter what and will understand why you didn’t tell him sooner. It’s a big deal to have kids. You have to protect them while trying to be open to a new person. I think Coleen probably liked you a lot and perhaps that’s why she waited so long to tell you about her kids. I don’t know. I don’t have kids. That’s how I’d approach it if I did, I think. I’d wait, perhaps quite a few dates.”

Now I’m not sure what to think. If Seth was just being dramatic with his line about the sex offender (a real possibility) then it seems I may have been wrong in discounting Coleen for waiting to tell me about her kids.

What do you think? Ladies? How long do you think it’s okay for a single mom to wait before telling her date she’s got kids? Gents, how soon would you like to know if the lady you’re dating has done more than just test her baby maker?

If I was wrong (and it seems I may have been) I’m game for giving Coleen a call and apologizing for being an ape. Was I wrong?

Thanks for your input!

Simon

Image: Photogratree

When Should A Single Mom Tell Her Date She Has Kids?

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I recently had a girlfriend ask me for advice. A guy she met through work asked her if she’d meet up with him for dinner at a new restaurant opening in his neighborhood.

There’s just one issue: The guy seems pretty interested but my girlfriend isn’t especially attracted to him. I see two options for her:

1. She asks if it’s okay if a friend comes along. (kinda smarmy – I know)
2. She tells him that she’s not on the market right now but that she’d love to hang out and will quiz him a bit because she knows some available hotties that she might be able to hook him up with.

I like the latter best.

What do you think? I told her I’d have awesome advice for her before she sees him on Monday. Will you help?

Thank you!

Emma

Image: Cia de photo

How Do You Tell a Guy Who’s Asked You On A Date That You’ll Go, But Only As Friends?

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Jenny’s family will be enjoying a meal traditional to her Thai heritage. To her, Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate how far her family has come since moving to the US. My Thanksgiving will include the regular Turkey and elderly relatives discussing how we are related to the Plymouth Pilgrims. Though the smells, tastes, and traditions differ greatly, both our families are gathering to share in how grateful we are for what we have.

As you go about your Thursday this week, whatever it may consist of, please be grateful. Showing genuine appreciation will not only be a delight to those around you, but you’ll find more things to be happy about.

Keep the Thanksgiving gratefulness flowing and you’ll see changes in your romantic relationships as well! A few things to remember:

1. Gratefulness radiates -

your appreciation will reflect in your face and conversations. You know the phrase “best thing since sliced bread?” There is no better prospect for a woman than to feel like you are going to appreciate her fully. When she observes how you treasure the people and things already in your life, she will have proof of how she can expect to be treated. (Don’t tell her she’s the best thing since sliced bread. Consider my usage the last time for that phrase. Ever).

2. Appreciation opens doors –

You know that woman who always makes you smile but you haven’t considered because she doesn’t take fitness as seriously you do? Be smart and ask her out. You might discover more things about her that make the gym issue seem like a little nothing!

3. Thankfulness innovates -

As you grow more inclined to appreciate things, you’ll complain less and smile more. You’ll find yourself in situations where everybody else is frowning and you will still have reasons to smile. This will dramatically effect how you come across to other people. Smiling at funerals, however, tends to be taken as a sign that you’ve overdosed on your anti-anxiety meds.

After our shopping was finished, I dropped Jenny off at her apartment. As I was leaving, she took one of my big hands in both of her little ones. She looked up at me and said “Simon, thank you for making me smile so much. I have thanksgiving for you so very much.” I’ve never heard “Thanksgiving” used like that, but I knew what she meant. It had been a special time of sharing that left me feeling much more ready for the upcoming holiday.

Don’t take yourself out of the running for new friends and great love by letting ungratefulness sneak up on you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Image: abbilder

RT @datingpapers: The Thanksgiving Date

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The email contained only these words:

Let me know if you’d like to talk.

The email address had the first and last name of a woman I haven’t seen or heard from in more than two years.

When I knew her, she didn’t have the sort of ironic wit that would inspire an email like this in jest. But perhaps there’s some cultural significance that I’m missing and it is, entirely, just a funny way of saying hello?

Your interpretations, please and thanks!

RT @datingpapers Your Insight Please: What Does This Mean?

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Facebook is a great place to be reminded of people you had happily forgotten. For example, I recently received a message from this girl I’d known years and years ago. (Like, when I was 8 years old) She’d apparently gone on a friend-anybody-I-remember-talking-to rampage and had decided to “reconnect” with me. Fair enough.

She asks me about how I’m doing, what I’d been up to, and what I was reading. It just so happened that I’d visited my parents the previous day and flipped through a copy of Martha Stewart Living my mom had left out. There was an image in the magazine of two kids with plaster masks playing in the woods. I have fantastic memories of tromping through the woods with my sister as kids.

So I mentioned this to my new Facebook friend-finder and was taken aback by her response:

She: Umm Martha Stewart?? masks??? are you gay?

Note: I don’t know about Martha Stewart, but masks have a long tradition of use by heterosexual males.

Me: I have a very low tolerance for such questions. I haven’t asked you about your sexuality in any way, shape, or form. Why bring it up? If I were gay, I’d be offended that you used “gay” in a pejorative sense. As it is, I’m just fatigued by the question because I can’t respond with a question in the same vein without being incredibly inappropriate. Savvy?

As to what I meant with, “respond with questions in the same vein…” A question like, “Are you gay?” is, to me, very weighty. I put it in the same category as questions like, “Do you have trouble reaching orgasm?” It’s not a question one asks random people without a lot of previous interaction and certainly is not a question to be asked in jest.

She responded:

She (part I): I’m so sorry. I never meant to offend you. I tease some of my guy friends sometimes when they like things that aren’t so normally guy things (Martha Stewart,masks,etc) but never in a derogatory way. Just teasing, I guess now I will think about how it could effect other people that I don’t know so well.

If I were gay, I’m sure I’d already be accustomed to such short-sighted bias. But I’m not so I found her response infuriating.

She teases guys for liking things outside stereotypical male fascinations? Okay. I understand why she does that. I grew up in the same sort of ultra-conservative household with very strict gender roles. It was just a mistake and she’s going to think about the things she says in the future. Excellent. That’s progress!

But it wasn’t progress. Her conclusion had an entirely different tone:

She (Part II): And by the way just so you don’t think I have something against gays, the guy that does my hair is gay, I think he’s very nice and I don’t condemn him for it. Quite frankly I chose him already knowing he was. I never meant it as any big question regarding your sexuality but even if it was true I would think that having made that decision you would be fully accepting it and not something that you would upset to be asked.

So now it’s up to the recipient of the biased remarks to happily accept them as part of the package? Classy. I hope her stylist shaves her head the next time she goes in for a trim.

What would you say to her? I’m thinking I’ll send her a reply sometime this week.

Live ferociously… and don’t let your friends get away with saying stupidly biased things!

Simon

Image: Darwin Bell

RT @datingpapers So there IS such a thing as a stupid question: Are You Gay?

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Not in the US? Try the YouTube version!

This highly amusing (we thought so, at least) video gives all the advice you need about how to have safe sex.

Most of us learned this information in high school and are regularly bombarded with reminders to “use protection” and practice safe sex. If the information has been spread and we know in our minds how to have safe sex, then why don’t more of us practice it?

1. Because we make stupid decisions when we really like somebody.
2. Safe sex isn’t especially fun & kills the notion of spontaneity.
3. The decision to have sex is often made under the influence of one or more substances.

It would be great to see a video on how to have safe sex without seeming untrusting, boring, and generally unsexy.

I’m off to buy some plastic wrap. I substituted aluminum foil last night and it didn’t go over well… =)

Question: Have you come across any sort of “how to have safe sex” learning tool that is actually engaging and doesn’t resort to death threats to make a point?

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Not so fast, sister.

Before you start painting your white picket fence, you need to take this relationship on the road. Some character traits only become obvious when you’re away from your regular routine, and you need to know these things before you give him a key to your place, much less your heart.

Without further delay, I give you the list (totally subjective, of course, but meticulously researched via one failed marriage, one successful marriage, and many relationships in between.)

1) The Control Freak

A man who won’t let you do or decide anything (“it’s more romantic if you let me do it!”) is a man who wants control. Give him an inch and he’ll take a mile, and one day you’ll wake up wondering where you got lost along the way.

Sharing the chores of travel, alternating who picks the restaurant for dinner each night, and even giving each other personal time are signs that your man is looking for a partnership.

It may be more trouble to carry your own luggage or book the hotel, but in the end you’ll be glad you did. We should all be able to carry our own weight in a relationship.

2) Quick to Anger Guy

With travel comes the chance of delays, missed flights, and lost luggage. It is rarely the ticket agent’s fault, but those poor souls usually bear the brunt of this frustration from grumpy travelers.

Does your man lose his cool when these things happen? Or does he take it in stride, contact the appropriate people to resolve the issue, and then move on from the situation?

Believe me, you want the second guy in that scenario. In real life, the grumpy guy will take his anger out on the closest person instead of the right person, and if you are his mate it will often be you.

3) Mr. Everything is a BIG DEAL

Is your guy a roller or a squeezer? More importantly, is he frustrated that you aren’t the same way? I’m talking about dispensing toothpaste, of course.

If you are sharing toothpaste for the first time and he makes a big deal over you squeezing instead of rolling, he is a man who doesn’t know how to choose his battles. Life is too short to waste on petty disagreements like this.

A man who can work around minor differences in habit (use 2 mini tubes instead of one big one) is a man who will be more easygoing on a day-to-day basis.

Who needs that kind of drama first thing in the morning, anyway?

4) Closed-Minded Man

If you travel outside the US or even outside your geographic area, you are likely to encounter people who live differently than you do. Is your man interested and tolerant of these people, or does he ridicule them for being different from him?

Let’s face it: A man who is interested is a man who is interesting.

And living your life with a guy who has it all figured out (“if only everyone else would think like me!”) is a guy who won’t be interesting to you for long.

(If he’s a racist, homophobe or misogynist that likely already came out before your first trip and I hope you’ve already dumped him.)

5) The Macho Man Who Never Needs Help

Face it, he’s probably not going to come up with the idea to ask for directions, even if he’s clearly lost. But he shouldn’t freak out if you do.

He wants you to think he’s a walking GPS. He wants you to feel safe and secure with him, and he probably wants to show off a little bit, too. We all get lost, though, and wasting hours trying to find something when a question to a local can solve it in minutes is just plain crazy and can ruin an otherwise fun trip.

Knowing when to accept help is a desirable trait in a mate, whether you are talking about asking for directions when lost or finally giving up on a disastrous home-improvement project and calling a professional.

So, What Will He Learn About You?

This article is written under the assumption that you are a worthy match for this ideal travel guy. After all, it’s not fair to ask him to be a great travel partner if you break the rules.

Do you act in a way that would attract the kind of guy you want? Do you make a trip more enjoyable for other people? Being the kind of partner you want is the best recipe for finding him!

The pleasures and stresses of travel bring out the best and worst in all of us, which is why it is such a good way to learn a lot about each other in a short period of time.

Have you taken your relationship on the road? What did you learn about each other?

5 Things You Only Learn about a Man if You Travel with Him

Photos: borzikako, ooh ooh

_____________________________________________________________________________
Betsy Talbot writes about carving the lifestyle you want out of the life you already have at www.marriedwithluggage.com. When she’s not writing, she’s paring down, saving up, and getting ready for a year of travel with her husband. Subscribe to her blog [here]

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I met Jessica at a friend’s party. We were the only people not caught up in a rousing game of strip beer pong. The evident allergy held by all the contestants for the gym drove us to an adjoining room as the game progressed. I couldn’t have been luckier. I had been pushed into a room with a beautiful woman and a topic of conversation had been dropped into my lap. Namely, my feelings about the overweight drunks in the next room spilling beer on their nakedness. I asked her name, her address, her favorite position in bed…I’m kidding. We made small college talk and agreed to meet up in a few days for afternoon coffee. Jessica seemed like a winner. But I still wasn’t willing to give up an evening I could possibly spend in a better way.

Our conversation over coffee was revealing.

1. We both laughed without trying. Neither struggled to maintain a conversation that was interesting and amusing.
2. We unintentionally ordered the same drink. I had arrived early to get a good table and purchased a hot caramel apple cider. I left $10 with the barista to pay for her drink. In a small college town with only one coffee shop, I was unable to mix it up for a casual conversation. In this case, it was handy that I knew the barista. Looking back, I wonder if he told her what I’d ordered!
3. We had both been raised in devoutly religous homes. Mine, a conservative Christian, her’s strict Jewish. At first this seemed like common ground. It ended up being our undoing.

Three months later, we were grocery shopping together. The plan was to pick up things to make dinner at her apartment. Always the the one pushing for efficiency, we split up to get the last few items on our list. I found her, moments later. As I placed the bottle of wine and box of crackers in the cart next to the package of thick-sliced bacon. Then it registered: BACON!

Photo by shawnzam

“Jess, I didn’t think you ate pork.” I said.
“I decided I’d never had it and wanted to try it. You’ll help me cook it?” She replied.

Now that I’m older and, hopefully a bit wiser, I’d never say what I said next:

“I can, but do you think its smart to throw away 20 plus years of tradition without any thought?”

If you’re going to make a practice of dating intelligent individuals: Do not make the mistake I did and slice your own head off by questioning their intellect, upbringing, and food choices in one breath.

We went to her place for dinner. The tension was palpable as we cleaned up and I found some school-related excuse to leave promptly. I called her the next day. She had to go and I didn’t apologize for the previous night. I highly recommend learning how to say you’re sorry, if you don’t already. Practice in the mirror, on random strangers you’ve purposely offended, or on friends. Don’t allow yourself the luxury of thinking there are so many people in the world that it’s okay to be offensive and walk away. I wish I hadn’t.

I’ve not seen Jessica since. I wonder how she liked the bacon. I really hope she didn’t microwave it.

My pain, your gain!

Seth

#4

5 Ways I’ve Ruined Dates

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