The rain hitting the windows softly glowed as he lit each candle and placed it in its sconce. The mustardy gold walls gave off an amber hue in the candlelight and his brown eyes were deep with desire. I sipped prosecco as I leaned against the pillows, seductively arranged in only my bra, garter and thigh highs; waiting as he turned on his iPod to a soft ambient playlist…

Although the setting was near perfect, I was still nervous. It wasn’t like it was my first time, but it was with him and I didn’t want to mess it up. I had known him for a few months and the chemistry was there, the sexual tension was strong and now that it was finally time, I was afraid?? While trying to look effortlessly sexy, I went through my mental checklist:

• Brazilian – check
• Hair styled perfectly – check
• Perfume behind the knees – check
• Light dusting of baby powder “down there” – check
• Shaved legs and armpits – check
• Waterproof mascara – check
• Deodorant – check
• Listerine – check
• Manicure/pedicure – check

Everything was done, so what was I so worried about? Maybe he won’t like the baby powder scent? Or the perfume. Was my breath too listerine-y? I knew the mascara wasn’t running because it was waterproof. I took another sip of prosecco and decided to enjoy the moment.

What is your checklist? Do you have one – just for new partners or for the one you’ve been with for awhile? Did I miss anything on mine? Tell me! I’d love to hear!

image: panties

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by Simon Cole

The woman I love is marrying another man this weekend.

I met Mariska at the start of our final semester in college. I’d made a mistake on my schedule and showed up for the wrong class. I walked through the lecture room door, surprised to see about 20 chairs arranged in a circle.

She sat there. It was just us. Her hiking boots shed melting snow into a slowly growing puddle at her heels. She didn’t care. She was jut there, present, waiting. There were 19 available seats.

I can’t tell you what it was that made me long to know her but I did. I chose the seat directly to her right. I sat and turned toward her.

Hi, my name is Simon.

Wow. You’re very friendly. I’m Mariska.

Not all the time. I just wanted to meet you.

There’s nobody else here to meet.

That’s true. Tell me why none of the buttons on your sweater match and I’ll leave you alone.

She did. I didn’t leave her alone.

We kept talking. It turned out I had shown up for an advanced Spanish Language class. Other students showed up. We kept talking. The professor walked in and prepared to begin class.

I’ve got to go.

It’d be funny to see how long you could go before she [the professor] throws you out of class.

True. I’ll head out though. How can I make sure to see you around?

She tore a corner from her notebook and quickly wrote two numbers. A phone number and a time.

Call this number at this time in exactly 2 days. I’ll answer and we can get lunch. Call at exactly that time.

That seemed pretty strange. I could dig it. I waited, I called, we had lunch. What followed was three of the most emotionally fulfilling months in my existence. I had found a person who really saw me. She would walk past all the bullshit excuses I gave for inferior work, bad choices, and uncertainty about what I wanted from life. She pushed, she pulled, and she loved with all her heart.

One late Friday night in early March, we went for an aimless walk around campus. The sidewalks were wet with melting snow and bits of salted sand crunched beneath our feet. It was getting cold. I moved my right hand from Mariska’s gloved clasp to the warmth of my pea coat pocket. She looped her arm through mine and pressed her shoulder against my arm.

What’s up?

I’m sorry for being so terrible in bed.

She hadn’t expected me to say that. I knew I was though. I was fun to be with whenever I had my clothes on, but the moment I stripped–it’s as if I took on a whole different persona–I was uptight and methodical. I was not a joyful lover and I knew it.

I want to tell you why I’m so awkward in bed.

I like having sex with you. I like sleeping with you. I like being with you. If you were unable to have sex I would still want to be with you. Just know that.

I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t planned on ever saying anything. I felt sheepish, stupid, and embarrassed to have mentioned the subject at all.

So?

I was introduced to sex earlier than most people are. A friend of my parents thought it would be good to have a little fun with me when I was seven. I fit neatly into the stereotype of the little boy in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was the pastor of an adoring congregation. I was the child delivered into his care by trusting parents. I don’t know why I’m talking about this now. It’s something I’ve talked to a therapist about but he said I seemed to have things worked out. I’m not sure I do. I wish I’d told somebody. I wish I could know that other kids didn’t go through the same thing. I wish I could be with you the same way you are with me. I wish I didn’t hold back. I’m sorry.

I choked out the apology. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know what she’d say.

She didn’t say anything. We had stopped near a bench. Its dark iron curves were too wet to sit on. Mariska slipped her arm out of mine and, grabbing my elbow, pulled me toward the bench. She hopped up onto the bench, her 5′2 frame towering above me. She unzipped her coat.

Come here.

I hadn’t known what to expect. I certainly hadn’t expected this. I had thought she’d say something. I thought she’d ask questions like all the others had. She said nothing. As I stepped close, she directed my hands inside her coat. I wrapped my arms around her waist, my grasp resting on her hips. She was so warm. I don’t remember if she was wearing a sweater underneath her coat or just a shirt. I was too caught up in the silence to care. She pulled me into her warmth, one hand twined in my hair as the other dropped to press against my back. She pressed her face against my hair. My world was absolutely silent but for the steady bump, bump, bump of her heartbeat. Or was it mine?

She said something into my hair, realized I probably didn’t hear it, and said it again.

Thank you for staying alive.

How could she have known about all the times I’d considered the benefits of not living? How could she have known that I’d said all I could and that asking more would be too much to ask? How could she have known precisely what I needed at that very moment?

She just did. Mariska was like that. She still is like that. I was immediately reminded of that fact when I heard her voice this past Sunday.

Simon? It’s Mariska. Do you have a moment to talk? I got your letter.

To be continued…

Image: Bachuas

Too Late For Love – (Part 1)

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My 13 year-old cousin recently asked me what I thought to be the right age for her to start having sex.

Cousin: What’s the right age to start having sex?

Me: What’s the right age to start having babies?

Cousin: Um, probably 20 years old. At least not until you have a job you like.

Me: Then you probably shouldn’t start making babies until you’re the right age to have them.

Cousin: What if I don’t let him (her 15 year-old boyfriend) put it in my, um, in me?

Me: In your vagina?

Cousin: Yeah.

Me: Then you’ve still got a whole list of things to worry about. Do you really want to have sex with him?

Cousin: Well, yes. Mostly? All the other girls are doing it with their boyfriends.

Her mom walked into the room at this point and we didn’t get a chance to finish the conversation before I left. I owe her a phone call and I can’t help but feel like I don’t have a good answer for her.

What’s the right age to start having sex?

When you take pregnancy out of the equation and you’re dealing with a young teen who feels invincible and is convinced her boy is clean, how do you convince her to wait? Should she?

What’s the right age to start having sex? I know I wish I’d waited. But I don’t know how I’d have convinced myself as a 14 year-old (just one year older than my cousin is!) to ignore what other girls were doing and wait for a guy who was actually interested in me as a person.

Do you have any insight you’d be willing to share? I’d love it if you took a moment to chime in on this!

Love, Amelia

Image: MissPiano

What Is The Right Age To Start Having Sex?

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1. 4 Things I Should Tell You Before We Start Dating
2. An Open Letter To Men
3. Too Late For Love – Part 1

by Zeke Hillyard

A lot of people think HIV is simply a “gay thing.”

Therefore, a quick bit of mind candy: Over half the world’s HIV/AIDS cases are women. A simple math deduction demonstrates that there are a lot more heterosexual people with HIV than not. Because of that, this topic needs a more universal treatment. A great magazine called POZ (found at www.poz.com), does a great job of this, but its usual audience is people who are already HIV positive.

I’m 36 now, gay, and married (or not, depending on the current status of Proposition 8). It wasn’t always that way. Once I was 28, alone, insecure and afraid the day I got the phone call during which I was informed I was HIV positive. I’m still insecure and sometimes afraid; however, I’ve learned I’m never alone.

Because we so rarely talk about HIV in a casual sense, the acronyms become a series of scary letters one associates with disease and death; the discrimination is insidious, and yet clear. Dating advertisements request “drug, disease free” people for dating.

In my experience, people are far more worried about HIV as the particular disease and are quite happy to ignore that second hand smoking alone cause more fatalities than AIDS, as do smoking and drinking. Yet, we often are willing to overlook these because we think we understand them better.

So, a little info. HIV stands for “Human Immunodeficiency Virus.” This simply means it occurs in humans, attacks the immune system, and is cause by a particular type of virus called a retrovirus. The “A” in AIDS (never use small letters) means Acquired—you get it from others, just like cancer from second-hand smoke. “I” means “Immune,” and refers to the idea one’s immune system is affected. “D” stands for Deficiency and it follows that one has a deficiency of immunity in the form of a white blood cell called a T4 or CD4 cell or, more popularly, a “T cell”. “S” means there are a series of illnesses that happen to people whose immune systems are deficient that exist anyway, but are rare in people whose immune systems are working.

One of these happens to be illnesses is a common one called Toxoplasmosis. I have this. I caught it from changing my cat’s little box (pregnant women are prone to this as well. However, I do not have AIDS because it also requires a very low T cell count, which I do not have.) These details I’ve presented are very simplified. You can get accurate, up-to-date information from a great website called The Body, the Centers for Disease Control, or the World Health Organization.

Make no mistake, HIV, and thus logically, AIDS, are incurable; however, they in no way make someone untouchable or unloveable. And to those men and women with either HIV or AIDS, they do not mean you have to stop dating. However, if you wish to maintain your personal integrity, and also a find a better date, your honesty about your status will go a long way to making this happen.

Before and after HIV, I had no trouble getting dates. My big mouth and other personality flaws did not change, and I made many of the foibles that Seth writes about that make his blog so fun and heartwarming to read. When we have HIV or AIDS, I think it’s safe to say one’s biggest fears are rejection and ostracism—especially if one’s status is kept secret or one lives in a smaller town. These are chances one takes and they take bravery. Braver still are those willing to risk rejection and ostracism by saying, “I don’t care” and dating you anyway.

Many of these people have discovered that dating isn’t just about sex, it’s about exploring and experiencing different people, searching for someone with whom we might spend a week or the rest of our lives with.

To those looking to date but fear disclosure, ask yourself; what is the worst thing that can happen? Rejection? Will your life be at stake? Think carefully. Practice in front of a mirror or with a trusted friend. To those who fear being labeled HIV positive by association, look in the mirror, there’s something there that isn’t ready for acceptance, and it’s not about the person with HIV.

Take HIV as a challenge. Find ways to enjoy life without sex. My first date with the love of my life took place on the kiddie coaster in Seattle Center. I cry as I write this, as he sleeps, soundly, in the other room. You see, we married last year after being together for five. He’s still HIV negative. We have plenty of sex and we do so much more. He is my world and when I think I turned him down four times before I said yes, I don’t know what I could have been thinking.

Incidentally, it wasn’t fear of telling him. When I disclosed my status to my future husband, hoping to turn him away, he said, “I don’t care, it’s just a virus.” That put me in quite a pickle. Had I been honest and said, “I’m just not interested in you,” Life would haver been very different. He was right, of course. It is difficult, and easy to avoid contracting HIV, and it certainly wasn’t the end of my world. In fact, I’ll probably outlive him even though he’s only two years older than me.

For those who are curious, I began dating him after I got a reference from his old landlord. My old landlord. The first time Johnny came to my house, we discovered that we had lived in the same exact studio; he was the previous tenant. I was the currently one. Lois (our mutual landlady and wise soul) told me Johnny was a great guy and helped me give myself permission to partake in the most amazing journey I’ve been on to date, a journey with many side trips, love, and laughter. Had I said “no” again, I might still be looking for that “perfect date” that was right there under my nose four times.

Thus endeth the lesson. Thank you, Seth, for honoring me with a place on my favorite blog.

Zeke Hillyard is the founder and facilitator of symbiotic ∞ internetworks, a human services consulting collaborative. When he can afford it, he goes to school to study human systems theory and self-organizing systems. He is a recent Power Lab graduate and holds a bachelor’s degree in Human Services from Western Washington University. When his server’s Internet provider isn’t messing with his IP addresses, he keeps a blog. He builds custom computers to support his research and lives in North Las Vegas, NV. Follow him on Twitter or reach him by email through z [at]symbioticinternetworks.com.

Image: CarbonNYC

A Gay Male’s Take on Dating a Person with HIV

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Dear Men,

Every month (when I’m not super-lean from running) my body realizes I foiled its attempt at reproduction and gives up in a stream of blood.

I wish you could understand how unsettling it is to have my body constantly changing. Some women are on steady cycles. Their body never surprises them. I’m not like that.

My weight fluctuates. I get bloated. Sometimes I bleed a LOT and I get scared. The doctor says I’m okay but I often don’t feel okay. It’s something I could probably explain, given time, but whenever I mention my lady engine your eyes glaze over. You say you’re interested and that you want to understand, but your actions say otherwise.

Here’s my best try at a short explanation:

When I get emotional during menstruation it’s not just because hormones are making me edgy. I’m also being reminded of my own frailty–I’m terrified of blood, especially my own–and how rapidly I’m aging, disintegrating, and how powerless I am to do anything about it.

I joke about it sometimes, sure. But I’m only doing so to cope.

When I disagree with you about something and you ask me if I’m ‘on my period’ it’s a bit like promising an arachnophobe that you’ll be sure to bring her a spider next time you visit. Please don’t. It’s not funny to me.

I’m having my period, not giving birth to aliens. It’s not freaky, weird, or gross. It’s me!

You seem pretty interested in my vagina most of the time. Why not do some research and learn about how that part of my body works? Ask me questions, pick up a book, do a little hands-on exploration!

I wish we could talk about this. I wish it were okay to discuss my body without you feeling like you need to make jokes because you feel awkward. I want to talk about it. Most women do. If you take the time to learn about how my body works and how I relate to it, I think a lot of other things I do will start to make sense.

As a woman, I’m supposed to be all mysterious, right? Well, when it comes to my period, I think the mystery has been working against us.

If you want to know more, ask!

Love, Amelia

(For the pervs: No, I’m not volunteering to answer questions about my vagina. Go crawl back into your basement computer room with your anime.)

Image: Steve Kay

An Open Letter To Men

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Cheaters aren’t born, they’re made. Are you making one out of your man? He may not be cheating. He might never cheat (some are better at committing than others). But that doesn’t mean he won’t resent you and look for love in other places. Here are 7 reasons you might be pushing your man to reassess his options.

1. You’re boring in bed

You don’t have to be a wild sex tigress with super flexibility who knows thousands of positions to be interesting in bed. You just need to know how to create an atmosphere of intimacy when you want to. Remember when you first met your man and all you had to do to get him hard was breathe on his neck? Not anymore. You go through the motions of sex but you don’t care. Your man might not be able to get a woman with a better body, but he can certainly find one who cares enough to make him feel noticed. She might be chubby but she’ll make him feel goooood. When was the last time you tried to make your man feel gooood?

2. You never give him that smile

You know, flirting? That thing you did when you first met? Flirting is a fun, sexy form of communication that you can do anywhere to remind your man that he’s your choice. Flirting is also an easy way of letting the women around you know that you keep your man interested and that they need not apply. However, judging by your behavior, you don’t really seem to care if they do try for him… do you?

3. You criticize him constantly

Do you have any idea how many orgasms you’ve missed out on because you bit your man’s head off as soon as he walked in the door over something as stupid as a carton of milk? Nobody likes to be criticized constantly. If you think your man is supposed to be perfect, you signed up for the wrong shift. He’s not perfect. He forgets, he’s lazy, he loses focus. Are you really interested in making him feel like you’re always judging him? If you do, he’ll run. He might not cheat, but he’ll certainly close himself off to you.

4. You’re a slob around the house

Now that you’ve been in relationship for awhile, you’ve decided it’s okay to dress like a colorblind hobo when you’re with your man. Is it really so much extra effort to put on a cute outfit instead of those ratty old sweatpants? Jeans and a cute t-shirt take the same amount of time to put on as your pyjama pants when you get out of the shower. You DO shower, don’t you? If you don’t have a perfume you really like, get one. He’ll memorize the scent and associate it with being near you and whatever that entails. There’s a lot of power in scent. Put it to your advantage or watch him end up with a woman who uses a nice-smelling bath soap.

5. You expect him to care about your relationship with your mother

He doesn’t. The best man in the world will smile, nod, and respond at appropriate points in conversation. But he doesn’t care. Bringing up your mother just makes you seem more like her and unless she’s a magnificent woman, you don’t want that (especially if she’s single).

6. You expect him to be on the same wavelength as you

He’s not. When you got mad at him for going out for drinks with his friends because he was supposed to instinctively know that you wanted to spend time together? That just made you look like an angry tramp. Communicate. Communicate clearly. Communicate in writing. Communicate multiple times if necessary in order to make sure he knows what you want. This doesn’t mean he’s stupid or doesn’t care about you. It means he’s probably a bit less organized than you and has a lot on his plate. Expecting him to know what you want without you clearly telling him will make your relationship feel like a series of mind games. Men cheat on women who play needless mind games.

7. You disrespect his friends

They were there before you and they’ll be there after you. Don’t blame him for his friends’ behavior. They belong in his world just as much as you do. Sure, he might have abandoned them a bit when you first met, but it’s back to real life now. He needs time with them just as he needs time with you if he wants to feel fulfillment in his life. He’s not going to leave his friends for you, but he might leave you for his friends. Don’t push.

Sure, there are many exceptions to any rule when it comes to relationships. You might do all the above and think your relationship is fine. But is it? We all want to be the exception. Why not make sure these 7 reasons don’t apply to your relationship and make it an exceptional one? I hope you do!

Simon

Image: Carlo Nicora

7 Reasons Why It’s Your Fault When He Cheats

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Facebook is a great place to be reminded of people you had happily forgotten. For example, I recently received a message from this girl I’d known years and years ago. (Like, when I was 8 years old) She’d apparently gone on a friend-anybody-I-remember-talking-to rampage and had decided to “reconnect” with me. Fair enough.

She asks me about how I’m doing, what I’d been up to, and what I was reading. It just so happened that I’d visited my parents the previous day and flipped through a copy of Martha Stewart Living my mom had left out. There was an image in the magazine of two kids with plaster masks playing in the woods. I have fantastic memories of tromping through the woods with my sister as kids.

So I mentioned this to my new Facebook friend-finder and was taken aback by her response:

She: Umm Martha Stewart?? masks??? are you gay?

Note: I don’t know about Martha Stewart, but masks have a long tradition of use by heterosexual males.

Me: I have a very low tolerance for such questions. I haven’t asked you about your sexuality in any way, shape, or form. Why bring it up? If I were gay, I’d be offended that you used “gay” in a pejorative sense. As it is, I’m just fatigued by the question because I can’t respond with a question in the same vein without being incredibly inappropriate. Savvy?

As to what I meant with, “respond with questions in the same vein…” A question like, “Are you gay?” is, to me, very weighty. I put it in the same category as questions like, “Do you have trouble reaching orgasm?” It’s not a question one asks random people without a lot of previous interaction and certainly is not a question to be asked in jest.

She responded:

She (part I): I’m so sorry. I never meant to offend you. I tease some of my guy friends sometimes when they like things that aren’t so normally guy things (Martha Stewart,masks,etc) but never in a derogatory way. Just teasing, I guess now I will think about how it could effect other people that I don’t know so well.

If I were gay, I’m sure I’d already be accustomed to such short-sighted bias. But I’m not so I found her response infuriating.

She teases guys for liking things outside stereotypical male fascinations? Okay. I understand why she does that. I grew up in the same sort of ultra-conservative household with very strict gender roles. It was just a mistake and she’s going to think about the things she says in the future. Excellent. That’s progress!

But it wasn’t progress. Her conclusion had an entirely different tone:

She (Part II): And by the way just so you don’t think I have something against gays, the guy that does my hair is gay, I think he’s very nice and I don’t condemn him for it. Quite frankly I chose him already knowing he was. I never meant it as any big question regarding your sexuality but even if it was true I would think that having made that decision you would be fully accepting it and not something that you would upset to be asked.

So now it’s up to the recipient of the biased remarks to happily accept them as part of the package? Classy. I hope her stylist shaves her head the next time she goes in for a trim.

What would you say to her? I’m thinking I’ll send her a reply sometime this week.

Live ferociously… and don’t let your friends get away with saying stupidly biased things!

Simon

Image: Darwin Bell

RT @datingpapers So there IS such a thing as a stupid question: Are You Gay?

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Not in the US? Try the YouTube version!

This highly amusing (we thought so, at least) video gives all the advice you need about how to have safe sex.

Most of us learned this information in high school and are regularly bombarded with reminders to “use protection” and practice safe sex. If the information has been spread and we know in our minds how to have safe sex, then why don’t more of us practice it?

1. Because we make stupid decisions when we really like somebody.
2. Safe sex isn’t especially fun & kills the notion of spontaneity.
3. The decision to have sex is often made under the influence of one or more substances.

It would be great to see a video on how to have safe sex without seeming untrusting, boring, and generally unsexy.

I’m off to buy some plastic wrap. I substituted aluminum foil last night and it didn’t go over well… =)

Question: Have you come across any sort of “how to have safe sex” learning tool that is actually engaging and doesn’t resort to death threats to make a point?

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