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Waiting Longingly wrote in with this question. Well, a story and a question:

There is this girl i met last semester. I saw her while we were in a study room of 4, my friend and i, and the girl and her friend. I started developing a genuine interest in her and just could not resist her. We are at the same University, she is a freshman and i am a sophomore,anyways, since that day when we all met at the study room, each time i run into her, i just hug her, ask her how she is doing, and go my way.

I am a very shy person, so i was extremely nervous each time i saw her, and as much as i tried to control my nerves, it just would get the better of me.But as i said, each time i saw her i hugged her, and we just had brief chats and i went my way.That was towards the end of last semester, so we ran into each other about 3 times since we have different schedules.Anyways, so at the start of this semester, i saw her on the first day of school, together with her friend, we hugged, i wished them a happy new year, and went to class because i was in a hurry.

A day later, my friend told me he saw her, and while they were talking, she asked him how i was doing. A week after that i saw her together with her friend at the school caffeteria, but to my utter suprise, she first made like she didn’t see me, then just said hi and continued talking with her friend. Then 2 hours after, i ran into her again, this time with her friend, and hugged them both, i asked her how she was doing, and she said, she’s ok. But the snub at the caffeteria left me downbeat, and discouraged to even initiate more conversation.

Anyway i want to know what mistakes i might have made, and if i still have a chance of still getting her, and if so, how do i go about, trying to get her number, and hanging out with her, and hopefully having her as my girlfriend eventually.Another minor obstacle is that, each time i run into her she is with her friend and it is hard to initiate a conversation with a girl in such situations.Then yesterday, i met her friend and was talking to her, but she did not sound interested in the conversation as she used too.Please i really need advice on this situation Thanks!

Waiting Longingly

WL, that was quite a long explanation. Unless this girl likes reading Russian novels, you’ll not do well in attempting written correspondence with her. Anyway, you say you’re a shy dude and yet you walked up to this girl, said hello, and dished the physical in prompt form. That, my unwary friend, is not the sign of shyness. Your problem doesn’t seem to be shyness. If anything, you’ve been too friendly around this girl.

What do I mean by that? It’s very simple. If you like a girl, and you seemed to like this one initially, then you pay her more attention than you do anybody or anything around her. Are you supposed to be polite to her friends? Yes. Are you supposed to initiate physical contact with her friends? No! But you did, WL. You went and hugged all over her friends and met up with them and gave them loving you should have reserved for your one and only.

If you walk up to her now and ask her out, you know what she’ll most likely say? “oooh, WL, that’s really sweet of you but I value your friendship a LOT and I wouldn’t want to risk losing that by dating.” Unless you like the sound of that, it’s probably time you moved on. The world is full of women for you to hug, WL. Just make sure you’re only hugging one until she gives you explicit instructions to do otherwise.

Blue With Fear wrote in with an amazing situation:

Hi Simon, an ex I haven’t seen in 2 years recently sent me a prepaid cellphone via FedEx with minutes on it and a note that said “call me” and included a phone number and her name. What am I supposed to do? I don’t really miss her. I suppose she might have found out I was getting a divorce because I was slow in changing my Facebook settings. Otherwise, I’m not sure what she’s up to or what I should do about this. Help!

BWF, if a woman sent me a burner phone with minutes on it and I had no interest in calling her, you know what I’d do? I’d call my mother, talk until the minutes were up, and move on with my life. I don’t call my mother often enough and I know she’d appreciate the gesture. Of course, there’s a possibility that your ex has rigged the phone to explode when her number is dialed and calling her will leave you maimed or dead. What’s worse, she might just want to get you on the phone so she can woo you back into her clutches.

But perhaps you were the douchebag and she was right to be rid of you. Perhaps she’s in a bad spot and you were the only person she could think to get in touch with and not risk another “I’m naked in front of this person for the first time” experience. Perhaps you’d be doing her a favor by keeping your evil self out of her life? That’s something only you can know for sure, BWF. I suggest calling your mother and getting on with your life.

Readers, feel free to add your thoughts if you like and don’t forget to submit a question of your own!

Sleeping alone is nothing more than a necessary evil.

There are few things more comforting in life than surrendering yourself to sleep in the arms of someone who loves you. If you’ve suddenly found yourself alone after being used to sharing your bed, the simple act of falling asleep can become a dreaded affair.

Still, you gotta sleep. Continue Reading

by Amelia Holzapfel

“There just aren’t any good men in this town.” Pouted my friend Ashley as we waited for our food to arrive. My response? The trick isn’t to find a “good man” but to find one who is real and figure out if you can learn to deal with his imperfections. Ashley needs a real man, I need a real man who only responds to my booty calls, and you?
Here are 12 signs the man you’ve found is a real man. It’s up to you what you do with him after you find him.

1. He’s Observant –

Not only will he see the man wearing a blue shirt in this photo, he’ll notice when you get your hair cut, wear a new outfit, or drop a pound or two. He’ll still notice other women. That’s okay. He notices pretty much everything. We all notice huge boobs, right? Don’t hate. He’s just being real with you.

2. He’s Got Tact –

He knows when to be silent. It’s great to have a man who knows how to say the right thing. Continue Reading

by Jane Wonder

Who pays on the first date? I’ll tell you.

On a first date technically the person who asked should really pay. For me, this will always mean the guy because I will wait for him to ask. Honestly though, I’d prefer for the man to step up no matter what.

Which is not to say I expect that or don’t offer or won’t pay in the future. Every good female dater knows exactly how to handle this. In case you don’t know, let me explain…

The check comes. The woman should automatically reach for her purse and say something like “Let me help you with that.” This gives the man options. If he didn’t intend to pay the entire check, he can accept the offer without losing face or having to ask for money. If he did intend to pay, he can say “No, I’ve got this one.” The woman should then ask ONCE (and only once ladies) “Are you sure?” If he waffles at all, offer money. This next bit is important now. If he says he’s sure, look him directly in the eye and thank him for your meal. Continue Reading

Do you have a favorite season? Most people experience seasons in a romantic relationship. In New England (the northeastern part of the United States) we have four seasons. Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. In relationships, especially long-term ones, we can observe similar seasons.

The Four Seasons of a Relationship

Spring - In the spring of a relationship, we experience the thrill of discovery, obsession, and emotional (and often, physical) penetration that precedes new growth and attachments. Springtime offers a mad rush of delightful sensations. Remember what it feels like to touch someone for the first time? The easy laughter when you got tangled in your own shirt?

Most of us are good at dealing with springtime in our relationships. We forget our past unhappiness and revel in rediscovered emotions. Springtime is easy. Continue Reading

Remember that old line about girls being sugar, spice, and everything nice? Elizabeth Lambert saw that societal mold coming and extended one of her long, muscular legs for a perfect trip. How? By playing soccer like a boy:

(If you ask me, the ponytail maneuver was pretty bold. She didn’t get a yellow card for that though. Not condoning her actions, but I love her pep and think the Refs were sleeping.)

Most guys aren’t interested in dating women like Elizabeth, Condoleezza, Hillary, or Michelle. Why? Because strong women with talent, focus, and goals are intimidating to those who aren’t so well equipped. Not just to men, but to people in general. It’s not just that men are avoiding strong women. Guys tend to avoid spending time with other guys who are much smarter, stronger, or somehow better-equipped than they are. Continue Reading

Guys, here’s a quick-and-dirty list to help you stay out of the doghouse.

Never criticize a woman for…

1. Her Weight

The lightning isn’t striking any closer, your lady’s thighs just have some added thunder. You, being the observant kind of guy who will step over a pair of pants on the bedroom floor for three weeks but instantly notice every blemish on her body, feel compelled to make a comment. SHUT YOUR FACE. Seriously. Say nothing.

Here’s why I recommend silence when it comes to directly discussing her weight:

1. She already knows about the weight gain – Telling her that you noticed the change in her body won’t go over well…especially since you’re probably not good about noticing positive details.

2. It’s probably not something she wants – There’s a reason “Biggest Gainer” with Roseanne Barr as the outspoken eating coach is not a hit TV show. Most people would like to lose a bit of weight and chances are that your lady is feeling a bit frustrated and powerless over her body right now.

When you criticize her body, you criticize her at what can often be a very emotionally-charged and intensely personal level of her identity.

Not sure what I mean? Example: If she suggested that you try out a new penis-enl@rgement medication, how would you feel? C’mon! She’s just making a helpful suggestion about something she knows you’d like to change! Get my drift? Good. Continue Reading

Are you good at choosing great music to play during dates? Perhaps you’re a whiz at making playlists or rocked the mix tapes back in the day? I need your help.

I first encountered the idea of a song incorporating a “message” when a friend of my father told me that rock music contained secret messages from Satan. I was 10 at the time and thought it was odd that Satan hadn’t chosen an older genre to share his message. Years later, I found out about another kind of musical message. Instead of grumbling in the background like beelzebub, this message was one of affection shared through normal songs grouped together into a mix.

If it weren’t for the message in the mix, would I have listened to 43 uninterrupted minutes of Mariah Carey with two versions of “You’ll always be my baby”? Of course not. I was listening because she, the one who burnt the CD and wrote my name on the cover with a sharpie, had said something with her choice of songs. (I later realized that if it takes a girl 43 minutes of Mariah Carey to say something, her conflict resolution style might leave something to be desired.)

Here’s where I need some help: In your experience, what are the best songs to say the following things?

1. I’m really glad to be here with you.
2. I’m sorry.
3. I like you a lot (the type that leads to conversations and buddy hugs)
4. Let’s do it!
5. I like you a lot (like, as in the type that leads to fluid exchanges)

If you’d like to add more messages or just explain what your favorite mix selections mean, that’d be great, too!

Update: Thanks to Melanie for making sense of the song order! =)

What are the best songs to play during a date?

Photo: julianne hyde, emma kate

by Sarah Joy Albrecht

“Do I look fat in this dress?”

Next to being asked to get snipped, this is the dreaded question that men fear most from women.

How can he answer this loaded, Catch-22? If he answers “yes,” he’s in the doghouse. If he says “no,” he’s “not being honest” and God forbid a girlfriend points out the obvious during a trip the ladies’ room.

Believe it or not, my husband Tom and I have had a “do I look fat in this dress” pact since the beginning of our marriage, when I was healthy size eight.

Ten years, five kids and an abdominal myomectomy later, I was considering starting a reclaim-my-body exercise regimen and I asked my husband the dreaded question.

He ducked and dutifully answered in the affirmative.

I did not hit him.

“It’s okay for me to say that because you told me to be honest,” he said, peering through his fingers. “Remember the pact?!”

“Yes,” I replied, through clenched teeth. “I remember.”

Tom quickly promised me that I was lovely and desirable to him, and would continue to be, even if I didn’t lose a single inch from my waistline. He even gave me a flirtatious look that assured me he meant what he said.

“Make a list of things you need,” he said. He then funded my workout gear, even encouraging me to get the more expensive weight set so that it would be more durable.

On the occasions I’ve growled and hit “snooze” on my Japanese cell phone’s wake-up alarm, he’s even gone as far as saying “C’mon, love, put your feet on the tatami mat” when I don’t feel like to rolling out of my futon in the wee hours of the morning. (Although, in this case, I think it’s just a masked excuse to sadistically fling off my cozy blankets and watch me beg for mercy!)

Why am I happy, instead of offended, that Tom answered honestly? Because our pact has been the single most motivating item on my list of reasons for sticking with my exercise routine. I want to look my best for him, especially since he loves me even when I’m not my physical best. (Not to mention he’s been by my side through thick and thin while I gained those extra pounds.) Tom was honest and supportive both verbally and monetarily – without guilting me over the budget – when it mattered most. That’s love.

It is because we have the foundation of forever in place that we can be so frank with each other. He’s my bestfriendinthewholewideworld, and I’d rather hear it from him than anyone else.

Still wondering about having a potentially embarrassing pact with your significant other? Think of it this way: If you were at a restaurant, wouldn’t you want your closest friend to tell you that you have spinach stuck between your teeth?

I would!

Would you consider a “do I look fat in this?” pact or would you prefer your partner always insist that you’re the perfect weight? Let me know! =)

RT @datingpapers When Is It Okay to Tell Her She Looks Fat?

photo credit: fazen
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Sarah said she’d follow her husband Tom to the ends of the earth. He called her bluff, and they moved from their house in Pennsylvania to live by the sea in northern Japan. They homeschool their five progeny, all born after 2001. She loves people, writes for fun and thinks about God constantly. You can find her blog at http://sarahjoyalbrecht.com or follow her @mrsalbrecht on Twitter.

Guys, this one’s for you:

Ladies, how would you respond if a guy you liked wrote and performed the following song for you?

I’m guessing you’d love it. Perhaps you’ve never played Mario Kart and have no idea about how much of a gift it is for somebody to take a blue shell for you. Chances are you might not dig silly yarn mustaches or even like guitars. Even so, you’d love it if a guy wrote and performed a song about how much he likes you in terms of Mario Kart. Right?

Guys, here’s why:

1. Because effort counts

Simply trying to make her happy counts for a lot. You don’t have to place your finger on the pulse of a woman’s soul in order to bring a smile to her face. Just be creative and put your heart into the effort. That said, building a 50ft tall statue of Vladimir Putin out of marshmallows in the name of love is just weird. A good rule of thumb is to keep it simple and as personal as possible. She’ll see how much you care!

2. Because embarrassment matters

“Putting yourself out there” counts for a lot in every relationship. Being vulnerable is scary stuff and it means a lot when you risk embarrassment in order to prove your affection for her. That said, if there’s a chance that she’ll be embarrassed as well, change your plans. There’s a difference between letting a woman know you care about her and singing a song at her birthday party about how good she is in bed. (Although I know a few women who’d love that.) Only throw caution to the wind where you’re sure it won’t blow right back into your face.

3. Because intent always wins

If your effort fails and you embarrass everybody involved, don’t worry. Intent has the final word. “I was only trying to make you happy,” if it’s genuine, is one of the only phrases in the English language that will earn you instant forgiveness for idiotic behavior.

You might not be talented, athletic, or even very creative. That’s okay. If she knows you at all, she’ll already know your limitations and appreciate the effort you’ve put into making her happy. Get out there and make some smiles!

Ladies, did you like the video? Has a guy ever done something really crazy just to show you he cared? Tell us about it!

Guys, when was the last time you risked life, limb, or pride to show a lady how much she meant to you? What did you do?

Thanks for sharing!

Seth

The Importance of Being Earnest | The Dating Papers

photo credit: ilovetrance