by Zeke Hillyard

A lot of people think HIV is simply a “gay thing.”

Therefore, a quick bit of mind candy: Over half the world’s HIV/AIDS cases are women. A simple math deduction demonstrates that there are a lot more heterosexual people with HIV than not. Because of that, this topic needs a more universal treatment. A great magazine called POZ (found at www.poz.com), does a great job of this, but its usual audience is people who are already HIV positive.

I’m 36 now, gay, and married (or not, depending on the current status of Proposition 8). It wasn’t always that way. Once I was 28, alone, insecure and afraid the day I got the phone call during which I was informed I was HIV positive. I’m still insecure and sometimes afraid; however, I’ve learned I’m never alone.

Because we so rarely talk about HIV in a casual sense, the acronyms become a series of scary letters one associates with disease and death; the discrimination is insidious, and yet clear. Dating advertisements request “drug, disease free” people for dating.

In my experience, people are far more worried about HIV as the particular disease and are quite happy to ignore that second hand smoking alone cause more fatalities than AIDS, as do smoking and drinking. Yet, we often are willing to overlook these because we think we understand them better.

So, a little info. HIV stands for “Human Immunodeficiency Virus.” This simply means it occurs in humans, attacks the immune system, and is cause by a particular type of virus called a retrovirus. The “A” in AIDS (never use small letters) means Acquired—you get it from others, just like cancer from second-hand smoke. “I” means “Immune,” and refers to the idea one’s immune system is affected. “D” stands for Deficiency and it follows that one has a deficiency of immunity in the form of a white blood cell called a T4 or CD4 cell or, more popularly, a “T cell”. “S” means there are a series of illnesses that happen to people whose immune systems are deficient that exist anyway, but are rare in people whose immune systems are working.

One of these happens to be illnesses is a common one called Toxoplasmosis. I have this. I caught it from changing my cat’s little box (pregnant women are prone to this as well. However, I do not have AIDS because it also requires a very low T cell count, which I do not have.) These details I’ve presented are very simplified. You can get accurate, up-to-date information from a great website called The Body, the Centers for Disease Control, or the World Health Organization.

Make no mistake, HIV, and thus logically, AIDS, are incurable; however, they in no way make someone untouchable or unloveable. And to those men and women with either HIV or AIDS, they do not mean you have to stop dating. However, if you wish to maintain your personal integrity, and also a find a better date, your honesty about your status will go a long way to making this happen.

Before and after HIV, I had no trouble getting dates. My big mouth and other personality flaws did not change, and I made many of the foibles that Seth writes about that make his blog so fun and heartwarming to read. When we have HIV or AIDS, I think it’s safe to say one’s biggest fears are rejection and ostracism—especially if one’s status is kept secret or one lives in a smaller town. These are chances one takes and they take bravery. Braver still are those willing to risk rejection and ostracism by saying, “I don’t care” and dating you anyway.

Many of these people have discovered that dating isn’t just about sex, it’s about exploring and experiencing different people, searching for someone with whom we might spend a week or the rest of our lives with.

To those looking to date but fear disclosure, ask yourself; what is the worst thing that can happen? Rejection? Will your life be at stake? Think carefully. Practice in front of a mirror or with a trusted friend. To those who fear being labeled HIV positive by association, look in the mirror, there’s something there that isn’t ready for acceptance, and it’s not about the person with HIV.

Take HIV as a challenge. Find ways to enjoy life without sex. My first date with the love of my life took place on the kiddie coaster in Seattle Center. I cry as I write this, as he sleeps, soundly, in the other room. You see, we married last year after being together for five. He’s still HIV negative. We have plenty of sex and we do so much more. He is my world and when I think I turned him down four times before I said yes, I don’t know what I could have been thinking.

Incidentally, it wasn’t fear of telling him. When I disclosed my status to my future husband, hoping to turn him away, he said, “I don’t care, it’s just a virus.” That put me in quite a pickle. Had I been honest and said, “I’m just not interested in you,” Life would haver been very different. He was right, of course. It is difficult, and easy to avoid contracting HIV, and it certainly wasn’t the end of my world. In fact, I’ll probably outlive him even though he’s only two years older than me.

For those who are curious, I began dating him after I got a reference from his old landlord. My old landlord. The first time Johnny came to my house, we discovered that we had lived in the same exact studio; he was the previous tenant. I was the currently one. Lois (our mutual landlady and wise soul) told me Johnny was a great guy and helped me give myself permission to partake in the most amazing journey I’ve been on to date, a journey with many side trips, love, and laughter. Had I said “no” again, I might still be looking for that “perfect date” that was right there under my nose four times.

Thus endeth the lesson. Thank you, Seth, for honoring me with a place on my favorite blog.

Zeke Hillyard is the founder and facilitator of symbiotic ∞ internetworks, a human services consulting collaborative. When he can afford it, he goes to school to study human systems theory and self-organizing systems. He is a recent Power Lab graduate and holds a bachelor’s degree in Human Services from Western Washington University. When his server’s Internet provider isn’t messing with his IP addresses, he keeps a blog. He builds custom computers to support his research and lives in North Las Vegas, NV. Follow him on Twitter or reach him by email through z [at]symbioticinternetworks.com.

Image: CarbonNYC

A Gay Male’s Take on Dating a Person with HIV