What dating advice would you give to a guy who’s so shy that he never gets past “hello, my name is…” with a girl? Nicholas recently wrote in with this question:
Seth,
I recently approached a girl that I’ve been crushing on for the past month or so. I was really nervous and out of my element. I’m sure she picked up on it but I’m not sure if she was in to me. We have exchanged looks, and recently names, for a while now but she still remains a mystery. We work in the same mall and I think she’s about my age (23). What do I do and more importantly how do I know if I should keep talking to her? I’m American and she’s Israeli by the way. Thanks!Nicholas
Hi Nicholas!
I’m sure others will have more to add but here’s my $.02 worth of dating advice:
You’ve barely talked to this girl and yet you’re asking if it’s time to give up? Come on, Nicholas! You can’t give up yet!
Three quick things about relationships:
- Relationships require effort – If you’re not willing to work to show this girl that you like her, how is she to understand how you feel about her? Is she supposed to guess? Nobody likes guessing games. If you haven’t made a point to show her that you’re interested, how is she to know how you feel?
- Relationships require risk – No matter who initiates the first conversation, everybody risks something in entering a relationship with another person. People are, to use the Nat’l Park Service’s line, just as afraid of you as you are of them. It’s easy to get caught up in how much risk we’re taking by attempting to start a relationship with somebody new. Amid those stresses, try to remember that she’s also taking a risk in responding to you and getting to know you. Relationships can be very uncertain territory. Be patient.
- Relationships require desire – Do you really want to get to know this girl or is she just somebody you see all the time and decided to like because it’s convenient? If you desire to know her better, you’ll let it show in your conversations and actions.
What should you do?
I think you should walk up to her when she’s not busy, say hello (use her name) and ask her if she’d like to hang out at a specific time. Perhaps you could invite her to join you in a fun activity? Making out doesn’t count as an activity…although an invitation to do so could make for an interesting first conversation. =)
You said she’s Israeli. Did she just move to the United States? If so, perhaps you could offer to give her a tour of the points-of-interest in your city?
Show her you’re interested. Show her you care. Show her you want to know her better.
And if she turns you down? Then it might be time to think about finding a new crush. (She hasn’t done that so far so no need to worry just yet!)
There’s a chance she might really like you, Nicholas. Don’t make her waste any more time wondering if you like her back.
Best of luck!
Seth
Ask the readers:
Do you have any dating advice to offer Nicholas? Perhaps you were once in a similar situation and you learned a lesson you’d be willing to share? Thanks for your input!
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photo: mark sebastian
Do you need dating advice or have a relationship question you’d like answered? Ask Seth!
Right on the nose Seth. Definitely communicate your interest Nicholas! (and good luck *grin*)
Man, it’s been so long since I’ve been here. How’s it going, Seth?!
Anyway, back to the matter at hand.
Seth, you were on the money. Take the risk, make the effort and spark desire. We miss EVERY shot we don’t take.
Good luck.
Good advise Seth, Yes Nicholas, it’s too early to give up. You haven’t even tried asking her out yet. It’s scary but if you feel that she is worth the effort then go for it. Risk is important, and there won’t be any regrets and you won’t be able to say that you didn’t try or i should have asked her out. Good luck!
“Do you really want to get to know this girl or is she just somebody you see all the time and decided to like because it’s convenient?”
I don’t think enough people ask this question. Thank you for posing it. When it comes to food, I’m all about “when in Rome,” but when it comes to a mate, I think it’s so important to know what you like, and not stray or settle just because you don’t see it on the buffet table.
In college, my little sister and I lived together. We often talked about why we did things. After realizing we were each going through boys cyclically, somewhat in time with the semester course schedules, we developed what we called our ‘Relative 10′ theory. Every time we got a new batch of classes, a new batch of guys, we’d survey, find the best candidate, and focus in. Like I said, not a conscious strategy, but fairly obvious upon reflection.
After the revelation, we’d always ask each other before a date, “Is he a 10, or a relative 10?” It’s surprising how often, if you’re honest, the answer is the latter. And that’s not fair to either party.
But I could be wrong. I’ve been known to be, relatively speaking.
Thanks, Seth. Rockin’ post.
Jen
I’m thinking it’s a matter of desire. If you really want to be with her, you’ll find a way. Some of the world’s greatest love stories resulted from an individual desiring to be near and know another…no matter the cost.
Take a risk, Nick!