I didn’t know she was blind until I walked up to her at the Indian restaraunt we’d agreed to meet at for a late lunch. “Seth?” She asked in reply to my greeting.
It wasn’t just that she stared just past my left shoulder. The labrador retriever with a harness/leash she kept a firm grip on was the real tip-off.
We’d met briefly just a few hours earlier. I had been the hurried guy looking for a client’s office. She was the beautiful woman behind the front desk who gave me detailed directions without even looking at me. I had immediately seen her “cold” response as a challenge and shortly had her phone number and an agreement to grab lunch together.
“Meredith, I didn’t know you were blind.” I blurted out. (Yes, I tend to speak my mind in socially-tense situations when it seems like honesty is the best leg to step on next).
“Oh. I understand. Do you want to leave?” She said, seemingly unperturbed.
“Only if you decided you’d prefer something besides Indian for lunch. Your dog likes curry?” I replied. She laughed. The dog looked up at her. She smiled past my right shoulder.
“I didn’t know where you were headed with that. I’m hungry though.” She finished.
Meredith is an incredibly smart lady who had me choking on my Kulcha more than once with laughter. When I apologized for being such an idiot, her response started me on a train of thought I’ve yet to step off:
“What, Seth, is this the first time you missed a detail about a person you just met?” She looked me straight in the face, her lips curved in a sarcastic challenge. I realized what she was saying. We weren’t just talking about her blindness.
We all interact with others as part of relationships. In the midst of those interactions, there’s a very good chance that you’ll discover something about your partner that radically affects the way they view portions or all of your communication. In Meredith’s case, her blindness is immediately recognizable as a hindrance to communication. What about the emotional and intellectual handicaps that don’t come with a friendly dog to tip you off to their presence?
I’m not talking about mental illnesses, but the parts of a person’s physical and psychological history that affect the way they relate to others and communicate. Most are only revealed in response to trust and occasionally, gentle prodding. It’s worth the effort! My recognition of Meredith’s blindness allowed me to adjust my behavior and manner of communication in a way that made our interactions fulfilling for us both.
If you approach the stumbles, blockades, and hiccups that happen in communication with a spirit of flexibility and a desire to understand, you will see your partner open up for you like never before.
As we said our goodbye and planned to meet again, Meredith reached out for a hug. As we embraced, she whispered “Next time you ask a pretty girl out when you’re in a hurry to get someplace, make sure you ask her what color your shirt is before you get her number.”
I stand corrected, grateful, and delighted at how much my blind love taught me about relating to the rest of the world.
My pain, your gain!
Seth
Photo by Zanastardust
Great advice. Your posts are always so insightful
Thanks, Oxy! So long as I keep learning from my mistakes and successes, we all win, right?
Seth
Very fascinating and informative as always, Seth.
I’m considering improv classes to help me adapt to situations with minimal awkwardness. Not only would it be good for any performance work I do in the future, I suspect it would help me greatly in my daily interactions of the dating and non-dating kind.
Thanks for stopping by, Jared! I think most people would benefit from improv or public speaking classes of some sort. I like the idea of an improv class. Nothing like a good sense of humor and great timing to get yourself out of a jam! =)
Seth
That is an absurd story my friend, but with a profound message.
Just like embracing her blindness, you embraced your blindness as well. And what’s great is that just like her, you have been able to enhance your other senses due to your “minor setback.”
Yeah, you may have made of fool of yourself, but that was only temporary and it worked out well for you in the end.
Nice!
Nice work Seth. No one is perfect, and as “profound” as the revelation of this person’s differences to you it was, it takes incredible confidence to put such a difference in it’s place without making a big deal, or pretending it doesn’t exist.
Similarities exist with tall women or short guys in that “height” becomes the elephant in the room. Addressing it quickly in a playful manner is one way of accepting that difference and moving on to things that really matter.
The only question is, are you going to go out with her again?
D
Hi Thomas!
Yes, I made a fool of myself. That’s what this is about though; dredging through all the situations that taught me what I know today!
It did work out well. Her dog actually liked the curry. I didn’t think dogs ate spicy things. =)
Meredith still hasn’t forgotten what happened though. She finds ways to bring it up.=) Can’t hate her for it though. She’s to die for.
Deline! Thanks for swinging through!
Yes, of course! We’ve been out a few times. I’d be absolutely dense to put distance between myself and a woman who’s seen me be absolutely dense and decided she likes me anyhow! It was a big deal the first time around but you’d be surprised how quickly focus shifts onto entirely normal aspects of the relationship. She’s a great friend and has taught me a lot of things!
Seth
Boy, can you have seminars for men soon, help them with their observations, their communications and teach them more about women!
Thanks Dude
Michele
@prosperitygal (yeah its me)
Hi Michelle!
I think whatever content might be in a seminar of that sort could go for both genders! Learning to accept, honor, trust, and communicate with a sense of adventure is something everybody benefits from. Thanks for your comment!
Seth
Seth — thank you for this post! Love it so much I might have to parallel post and link back. Thank you for the “insight” and I don’t really see any fools here… just transparency.
@kellilawless
Hi Kelli! I’m glad you enjoyed it! That’s the idea of me taking the pain so you get the gain in the end. I’m glad to be any sort of inspiration. I really like what you’re doing on your blog!
Seth
Seth, I think you hit a good point with this. So many times when asking others out you don’t think about what flaws or differences they have, only what attracted you to them. Like you said you got an easy tip on with the dog this time, but many times, sadly there is not that obvious of a clue. I think that many times when starting to date you don’t look for the flaws, only the good and as the flaws come out the more you may relieze this person is not what you thought they were. It’s a tricky little world when it comes to dating, mostly trial and error and error and error
. And as alway, Seth, I enjoyed the story.
I love the idea, Seth, of staying open to what your date has to show you about your own blind spots!
That is what makes dating a true adventure!
Embracing the learning not only about others, but more importantly, about yourself.
When you take those lessons in and internalize them, they make you a better partner, for the next go round!
Right on!
Nicky: Thanks for your comment! I believe you reduce the “error” category of the trials and errors you mention as you increase your ability to accept differences in others as being just different, and not wrong. Sure, we all run into things we didn’t expect or don’t like about a person we’re getting to know. It’s how you respond to those discoveries that makes the difference. I can only hope my partner tries to respond to my oddities in the same way!
Dr. Jenn: “blind spots” indeed! Sometimes the best way to learn how to approach obstacles in communication is to spend time with somebody who far exceeds you in grace, wit, and affection for the world and life in general. Meredith has been that for me. I wish everyone were so lucky. Thanks for participating!
Seth
Great blog! Sounds like you handled yourself well. Curious to hear how the other dates went, and if she is always this penetrating.
Yeah, I totally dig this story. Opens up all sorts of possibilities when you meet someone whose path is different than yours and you let yourself go down their path with you. If you know what I mean.
James: Thanks! I’ve seen Meredith a few times since that initial date. She can be extremely insightful, challenging, and probing but has a good idea of when to just relax and enjoy the rid. We’ve had great fun and while I’m not allowed to forget my initial mistake (It was pretty funny, I admit it, it’s okay to tease), I was given the chance to make up for it. Thanks be for second chances!
Liz: Why is it that adding “if you know what I mean” makes the a sweet and perceptive comment seem downright obscene? I’m afraid to discuss paths of any sort with you now! =)
Seth
I just want to give you mad kudos on how you responded to her ‘Oh do you want to leave’ question. Very quick, kind and thoughtful comeback!
That she asked so casually shows sadly enough there was some jerk(s) out there who actually said yes.
–Thanks Mollie! Yes, she’d been on a few dates with guys who had gone out with her for her looks thinking that her blindness wouldn’t be a factor and that, if anything, she’d be easier to get into bed. Bit of a mistake on their part and very negative experiences for her. I feel lucky that I didn’t join her list of failures!
Seth–
Seth, I can’t believe no one’s called you out on this one yet: “In Meredith’s case, her blindness is immediately recognizable as a hindrance to communication.” ?
But what really struck me was your honesty in your communication with her, and in with sharing it here.
I especially loved your “my pain, your gain” message. Made me laugh out loud! You are a treat, my friend.
Jeannette
–I think Meredith would especially agree that her blindness has very much affected the way she communicates! Without the ability to see body language, the random things that entirely sighted couples laugh at, or even the menu at the restaurant we ate at, she is in a position in which nonchalant conversations can prove difficult at first. Does that clarify things more? Honesty is the best way to go. It can suck sometimes and there’s a chance that people will respond badly, but I try to make it a habit.
Seth–
You make a great point at showing the best way to handle a mistake is to acknowledge it and move on.
I had a friend who was set up with a woman that had a lazy eye. After looking up at the ceiling about 20 times to see what she was looking at (not realizing that the other eye was on him) he muddled through the date and had a disastrous time. If he had admitted his mistake however awkward, he might have salvaged the date. Anyway, your story reminded me of that.
Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
Tina T
I’m glad things are going well for the two of you, but I still don’t understand how you could get someone’s number without realizing that they’re blind. Did you really have that little an interaction with her? What qualified her for a date with you if you hadn’t even talked to her long enough to know whether she had vision? Then again, I’d ask her the same question. I guess neither of you are especially time constrained.
@Jared, I definitely recommend improv classes. KNowing how to improvise really makes it easier to keep stuck conversations going when you’re in a nervous situation like a date.
Tina T: Thanks for checking in! Yes, admitting to the elephant in the room has typically served me quite well in navigating awkward situations. Was your friend stuck on the fact that she had a lazy eye or were there other issues at hand?
Hammer: I tried to make it clear that I had a hurried and distracted interaction with Meredith during our initial encounter. I was extremely constrained for time so I asked her to join me for lunch later in the day to continue our conversation. I’m sure there are lots of sites around dedicated to the various ways one can ask for a pretty girl’s number and get it in very little time. So far, I haven’t really dealt with those topics here. Perhaps in the future!
Russ: improvisation applies across the board with its benefits. Having a sense of humor isn’t enough if you can’t figure out a way to share it when you’d like! I’m encouraging Jared to take the class and post on how things work out for him. Thanks for your comments!
Seth
I love this. Thanks for the follow on Twitter. I am happy to have the opportunity to read your blog. Although I am married your words ring true for relating in general.
Hi Renee!
Your husband had better be bringing you on dates! Being married is no reason to stop dating. Just means you’ll respond even worse if your date flirts with the waitress.
Thanks for stopping by. I really like what you’re doing with cutie bootie cakes. I’m hoping I won’t have need of one any time soon!
Seth
Wow–great dating story. Your pix on Twitter makes you looks sort of street and shady, but you come off as the ultimate sweetheart in your blogs.
Which brings me to my point: maybe a lot of what we notice in the beginning– esp the visual stuff–is an illusion that prevents us from truly seeing a complete person. For instance I thought my husband was a great conversationalist when I met him. I have no idea why. After 10 years of marriage, I now realize that he’s a strong and silent as they come. Maybe he looked like a chatter box. If I’d been blindfolded, would I have seen the real him?
Hi Alisa!
Yes, I keep hearing that. I’m sure I’ll change the avatar eventually. Is the goat part of the street or the shady? =)
There’s a possibility that you’d have seen the “real” him had you been blindfolded. However, the majority of conversations we have with others end up being “mentally bookmarked” in accordance with the things we care about, not necessarily the things our partner feels are important. As such, if your husband is a good listener and asks questions that keep you talking about a subject in which you have great interest…he’ll come across as a great conversationalist.
Some people are most comfortable not being the talker and actually enjoy having their partner say most of the words. You’ve been married for 10 years? Certainly you must have forced your husband to say something by now! =)
Thanks for your comment!
Seth
Hey says, “Yes dear.”
Kidding. No I love him. He is a good listener, as long as the Florida v. Florida State game is not on. Or the Tour de France.
Are you one of those partners who insists on cleaning the living room during important games/races?
Knowing when exactly to say “yes, dear” and pick only those battles that really count for the long-term…is one of those skills you just can’t teach somebody. Sounds like you’ve found a winner!
Seth
Good for Meredith! She seems very strong, blindness or no. I’m thinking she’s a good catch! And the chocolate lab is beautiful! Thanks so much for sharing your story.
Very cool post. Thanks for following me on Twitter. It is cool to read about others’ adventures in the dating world since it has been so long since I have been out there.
Very well-written and insightful. I will be back!
Karen: Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment! Meredith is a lovely, strong woman and I’m glad to count her as a friend!
Petra: You are more than welcome to date vicariously through me…so long as you are willing to share in the pain, frustration, and contemplation that comes before I learn the good lessons! Really though, I’m glad you stopped by. Thanks!
Seth
Seth,
What a fantastic story! Meredith is blessed with an accuity of insight thru her sightlessness. You are fortunate to have experienced her gift first hand!
I am bemused when people comment on the fact that I wear sunglasses all the time just to be *cool*…truth be known, I am actually blind with minimal functionality in one eye…point is, not many people understand that it’s ok and blindness is a gift that unwraps other senses to their fullest.
I hope your frienship with Meredith continues to bloom for many lessons shared and learned.
Another *eye-opening* (pun intended) post! Thank you, Seth!