Do you find it hard to admit to your friends when a date is somebody you met online?
My first encounter with this came during a phone call with Maria. We had begun chatting on a grad school discussion board and posts had soon turned to emails and phone conversations. We were preparing to meet for the first time:
“Seth, I need to tell you something.” She said quietly.
“Sure! What’s up?” I quickly replied. I was in a great mood.
“I told all of my friends that I met you while on vacation in Maine.” She finished.
I was disappointed until I realized what she was actually saying: online conversations aren’t given the same weight as the ones we have face-to-face. Maria didn’t want her friends to think less of me because our relationship had begun online. Why might they think that?
- Because it’s so easy to fib online, we figure everybody does it. We do it, why wouldn’t they?
- Since we can read the very souls of those we meet in person, an online acquaintance obviously knows nothing about us. Your emoticons can’t trick us!
- We find it so easy to share personal thoughts and feelings online that it must not be real. If it were, we’d have good conversations all the time!
And so I went along with Maria’s story…until a few hours and a few drinks into the dinner party we were attending at her friend’s house. I had already interacted with most of the party goers and I was
well-liked. I stood at my seat and made an announcement: “I have something to confess,” I said with a somber voice. “I’m not the person Maria told you about. I’m actually a 74 year-old woman Maria met on a dating website.”
They laughed and conversation quickly turned to sharing stories about crazy and interesting people we’d met online. Maria was free from feeling like she’d lied to her friends and I was inspired to explore ways that our online interactions can be used as tools to improve our face to face relationships. I came up with three things most of us do online that would serve us well as part of our analog existence:
- Be friendly. Online forums, blogs, and services like Twitter are a great place to practice initiating conversations with strangers. Once you’re up to speed, start conversations with interesting people you see on the street. There’s this thing called a “pleasant smile” (see photo for example) that works very well with most people.
- Be yourself: The internet should serve as daily reminder to you that the world is filled with people who are openly enthusiastic about discussing the things they love. Admit to your passions and seek out friends who share your interests instead of worrying that others will think you’re weird. Girls dig passionate guys. Be passionate, just don’t be creepy.
- Embrace your options: Use the same thick skin you use online when talking to people face-to-face. If that pretty girl you’ve messaged on a dating site doesn’t respond, you shrug it off and try again with somebody new. Take that same mentality and incorporate into your everyday conversations and flirtations. You’ll soon discover that rejection is easier to swallow and acceptance comes along more frequently!
As I’ve said in the past, I’m really not a big fan of online dating. However, online interactions with people of all ages and expectations are quickly becoming a daily part of our lives. It is important to recognize how you relate to people online and make sure your presence is identical to the one that shows up for parties. Doing so will allow you to connect with more people you find interesting and result in more…wait for it…great dates!
If you have any wild stories about meeting online friends for the first time, leave a comment so we all can enjoy it!
Best to you!
Seth
Photo Credits:
Sukanto_debnath
iws15
The hilarious thing about the “Because it’s so easy to fib online, we figure everybody does it. We do it, why wouldn’t they?” is that she’d just told her real-life friends that she met you in ME. Um, easy to lie online? Maybe just easy to lie.
Anyway, great post!
great post! i am in a similar situation but the acceptance from others came when they saw i was serious about it. it was met with laughs at first though.
i guess the idea is still new for most but that is the idea behind “social networking” and online dating sites no?
kenroy
That pic of the old lady is priceless.
The first man I met after my divorce, I met on a dating service- sight unseen. Blind date. He made up a story about meeting at a grocery store…I too felt as though I had to say the same.
We were together 6 years. Some friends know, others still think it was at the grocery. Funny how we worry more about what others think than the feelings of the one we are out with.
I met this guy on Twitter once…his name is Seth. He seems like he’d be lots of fun to have a drink with!
Meeting people online is becoming more acceptable. My friend Ken met his soulmate on a dating website. Her name is Kendall (I kid you not), and they didn’t make a secret of their origin story. They’re married now!
Rhonda: Honesty is a habit that gets harder to build the longer you wait. I’ve definitely met my fair share of people who seemed to lie as easily in person as they via media. It’s inspired me to strive for as much honesty as possible in my relationships with others.
Kenroy: That was the case with Maria’s friends too. As soon as they saw that I was legitimate and a real person, they accepted my arrival without any further issues.
Molly: If the lady in that picture got in touch with me, I would be game for at least one date! =)
Shani: If you’re going to make up a story about how you met and agree on it…make it something really fantastic! =P It’s true, though, that we worry too much about what others think. They’re not the ones making the relationship work!
Melanie: Ken and Kendall? Now that’s just strange! =) I hope I do get to grab a drink with you some day. Just bring one of those amazing dishes you talk about cooking!
Best to you!
Seth
Very cool points you share here, all so true!
Ok, here’s my story: 3 different guys, all best friends; one guy more charming and intelligent than the next…6 months of email exchanges with each one…then boom! All three were one and the same person in the final revelation. The irony is that I fell in love with all three thus the mourning period was tripled. So weird…I forgave him but I will always remain unsettled…
Thanks for yet another great post!
Great blog! I enjoyed reading it : )
I have met a number of interesting and not so interesting people online. Many times it starts with a guard up and just like in real life, after I feel a little more comfortable that they are not a 74 year old man from Wyoming, I am able to relax and be honest about myself.
I am currently talking with a very amazing guy online, both online and through phone conversations. We have hit it off very well and seem to have many things in common.
I would very much recommend to anyone to make friends this way, but again BE CAREFUL with the information you give out. I have yet to tell my new friend where I live exactly.
Thanks for the inspiring post!
Relieved to know from these comments, that there are people out there managing to use online media to make genuine and lasting love connections.
When eharmony.com tells me so many times a day, that I will meet my match online I start to not believe it, as a matter of principal.
One thing I have wondered, is whether an algorithm in an online site, would be more successful at finding a match than the flexible criteria people sometimes use ? … the growth of online dating sites implies it might be
Almost too real to be funny, but touched such a chord. I felt the same way .. five years ago … when I met my husband online. Even now, two kids together later, I’m not forthcoming with the details of us connecting. The general reaction is somewhere between fascination and repulsion always quickly followed with a “that’s just not for me”. Keep the faith! And, happy hunting.
Henie: He sounds like a very strange man who likes to play games. You are right to feel unsettled!
Nicky: Thanks! Your advice to “be careful” is good but just as applicable to face-to-face relationships. Just because somebody is standing in front of you doesn’t mean that you should immediately hand over all your bank info! =)
Paul: Algorithm or not, online dating sites offer the ability to talk to a number of people without feeling the same sting of rejection when you’re turned down. Technology won’t make a relationship work for you but it can definitely make some of the more awkward parts of a conversation seem easier!
Marian: I hope things will change soon so that you’ll be able to freely admit to every stage of your relationship. As more people get used to the idea of conversations happening in many different places, I think your friends will become more accepting of how you met your husband.
If you think about it, isn’t “I met my girlfriend while digging through trash outside the Kremlin” far more worrisome than “I started talking to my girlfriend online”? To me, it is. I’d still want to hear both stories!
Thanks for saying hi!
Seth
Great post Seth!
You know something? I’ve actually found that most of the people I meet and talk to, have either met friends or dates online, or know someone who has. Online is the new (or better said) addition to dating or making friends.
Just about everyone has a twitter or myspace or whatever page, including blogs, as mediums for meeting. It’s a beautiful thing really.
I think I wrote a short blog or article about the impact of online meeting for the future.
Your online buddy,
Bobby
I have never dated online but I know that if I did I wouldnt care what people thought about it, I am far to self absorbed to care about what they think, So long as I was happy
and I cant be botherd lying about stuff, they gotta take me or leave me I dont really care,I only want people that get me around me,C YA
I’m happily married but every time I’m on twitter or on the internet in general, my wife always thinks I’m talking to another female.
I remember a few years ago, when i was like 16, i met my gf online and we used the online of we met through friends for both of our parents.
I guess the reason was embarrassment and plus they would not understand.
I personally think online dating is great for those that know how to use it properly, you can meet a lot of people and develop relationships.
Also, online friends can turn into business associates, if it originated from a dating site or social networking, its just great.
Actually, I think “meeting online” would be a welcome explanation for how some people actually met.
I think the stigma of meeting online is almost non-existant, considering that a large part of “social life” does not ever occur face to face anymore, even with our closest friends and loved ones.
I can’t think of any relationshippy-type situation I’ve had that didn’t have some sort of online component to it. It’s such a part of my life that I think if something occurred completely offline I would honestly question it a bit, because the Internet is so intimately tied to my day-to-day activities.
The part of this post that most closely resonated with me was the bit about admitting to passions and embracing them; it’s such great freedom to be able to be honest with yourself, and it’s hard to be honest with others if you’re not honest with yourself. This is a recent discovery for me, and doesn’t happen overnight (I still struggle a bit with it). It’s a great boost to the ol’ confidence-meter when you are able to be comfortable in your own skin.
nice job seth! i’ve faced my share of guys who don’t want to admit to online meetings (even though 1 in 8 marriages these days are from online connections… you would think we’ve lost the stigma! anyway…) then I met my ex… in a grocery store. At the fish counter. And he wanted to tell everyone we met… online. LOL
I think this post is pretty cool. I am a very friendly person and i love meeting people online and offline. I am who i am here and for “real”. I can totally relate to your post.
I met a guy online and he was pretty nice.. we became very close but distance was our problem.
We said will see what happens but when his family found out about our friendship, they did not agree.
So nothing much really happened after that. I guess some people do think that we online people have no life, they just dont see us as real people. funny right.. well we are real people on here. we just love to interact and like our world to expand beyond borders. Cool post I just love it!
: )
I met all of my Seattle friends online before I moved there, including the people I stayed with before going. It was the best experience I’d ever had. Be honest, be yourself, and you will never be disappointing or dissapointed.
I just thought about one thing–probably a good conversation point. Because of stigma, many people are not comfortable confessing that they are HIV positive online. As an HIV positive person who worked for an HIV/AIDS services agency and is married to an HIV negative guy, I don’t hide my status.
However, both hetero- and homosexual men and women often feel stigmatized by this. I would recommend not answering the question at all online. If you like someone enough to meet them, tell them then. If they ask you before that, you might simply ask “are you concerned I might not like you if I found out you were HIV positive. I assure you that’s not true.” might be a good way to avoid the question if it’s being asked to be nosy (rudeness) and a way to be accepting of the person if they are trying to connect with you.
Definitely avoid lying about it though–you ruin relationships before they have a chance to begin. Someone who would not be turned off by one’s serostatus might be turned off by a liar…
Zacharia: That’s a really good point. I’ll make sure I run my post on STI’s by you before it goes live.
Is there anybody who isn’t turned off by lies? I know there’s that song about “sweet little lies”, but really, I agree with you that lying is never a good way to start a relationship. Introducing any sort of doubt right at the beginning of a relationship is a fantastic way of starting a collision-course to failure.
=)
i can totally relate to this post. i met and befriended hundreds of people online through social network sites, chat and online groups and met them offline. i ended up dating a few of ‘em. the WWW changed my perception of dating. it changed my perception of online connection being that anonymous. yes it is easy to lie online but i am who i am online and offline. no pretentions, i dont want someone i met online expect that much from me and end up being disappointed.
i also agree on what misty said that some people think that we online people have no life. i met someone really great a few years back but distance is our problem. friends and family of that someone did not approve of what he had. oh well.
I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true.
It really blows my mind that there are so many people who are still skeptical, or even secretive about online dating. I really find it insulting when I read a profile by a potential match “qualifying” their presence on the site with stuff like “my friends talked me into this.” Well, I guess I must be a real loser for trying online dating in earnest, huh?
It really must have felt liberating for your date’s friends to know the truth about you, but she must have been at least a little upset about your announcement!
The more important thing about online dating is “How you take it? not others”. Blind date are still a matter of concern about the security. One should share it with someone they can trust.