Ever wonder how you “measure up” to the standards of your intended love? I used to.
It was a wildly beautiful July afternoon three summers ago. I was visiting a childhood friend while trying to finish an iced coffee. When you get near the end of an iced coffee, the ice creates an illusion of volume and the last bit of coffee is usually found only by energetic slurping and shaking of the glass.
I’d known Emma since 4th grade so I had no problem shaking and slurping my iced coffee as she told me about an amazing friend of hers she “just knew” I’d love.
“She sounds really great! ::sluurrpp:: ::shake:: Let her know I’d love to meet up!” I said.
“I would, but I don’t think you’d measure up. She has really high standards. You’re too chubby.” She replied.
Seven weeks of protein shakes and long workouts later, I looked good. Good enough that when Emma met me at the door the night of her party, she said “Oh, Seth! You look so good even I would date you!” I turned and left the party. I never met the stranger and haven’t seen Emma again. As I slowly ate a large McDonald’s fries later that night, I came up with the following questions as a way to determine if I want to pursue a romantic relationship with a woman:
- Does she care about her health? There’s a real difference between being healthy and skinny. The “bikini model” body isn’t a sustainable figure for the majority of women. Make a conscious effort to seek out a woman who eats well and stays active. Believe me, a woman who isn’t afraid to eat some fudge when she has a chocolate craving will treat you much better. She’ll put up with you when you put on a few pounds and will genuinely worry more about your general health than just your body fat.
- Does she care about her mind? Look for a woman who welcomes intellectual challenges and embraces new ideas. Consider this: the more a woman is involved in higher-level mental activities, the less time she’ll have for drama. This is good in that she’ll be more fun to talk to and will probably be much more fun in bed. It’s a challenge in that she’ll put up with less of your shit and will push you to up your game. You need that.
- Does she care about others? She doesn’t need to be a Nalgene-toting Patagonia World Peace fanatic to qualify. The ability to empathize and desire to communicate with others is enough. Spend a little time with a woman who truly cares about others and you’ll quickly develop an addiction to the glow that follows her around. She’ll be wonderful to you and when you try to outdo her kindness, your competition will form a groundwork for a sustainable rewarding relationship. The Nalgene woman will like the sustainable part!
I don’t have any need for too-skinny, small-brained women who care nothing for others or themselves beyond regulating their carbohydrate intake. It’s about balance. A balanced person will make for a better first date and is less likely to be boring on your 30th encounter.
Do you measure up to the standards you set for those willing to date you? Working to meet my own standards has kept me focused in my personal life and in relationships with others. When my ultimate woman comes along, I might be wearing a few extra pounds. I’m pretty sure she’ll like me just the same. I’ll just make sure she’s always laughing. That way she won’t notice the jolly paunch I got from eating every bit of Christmas Cheesecake I could find!
Best to you!
Seth
Photo credits:
Coffee: annia316
Scale: Sam Felder
Seth, you nailed it. So true. I am pretty sure that I am “this woman,” and have been trying to find “that man.” I find that things get sticky right around #2. You appreciate these things, but I don’t think it is a very common trait among men 25-35. I am finding it rare that a guy can appreciate a woman’s intellectual gifts, let alone feed off of it. Should go both ways, tho. I’d love it for a guy to help me raise my game, too. No party should be intimidated, just energized. Oh well, your post at least gives me hope.
Luckychica: Hi! Unfortunately, I think it’s a habit lacking across the board in both genders and all ages. Appreciating somebody for how smart they are and how they challenge you is a habit that I believe anybody can build over time.
It’s a scary thing, to be challenged. I find it’s worth the effort in the long run!
Thanks for stopping by!
Seth
Mmmmm…cheesecake…
Right as usual, Seth.
Robyn: Black Forest Cheesecake! =)
Thanks for your support!
Seth
Seth,
I loved this post. Especially loved your insight into what makes a good relationship between a mature man and woman. You know I am petite…Alittle bit of food goes a long way…Love to cook. I still think you should write a book. =)
Thanks for giving women the pemission to eat chocolate and cheesecake comfortably.
Sasha
Wow Seth!
This should be an article in Cosmo Magazine. Seriously. It would be so healing for women to hear a guy talking about he values woman for more than just their dress size. Loved that line about “the more a woman is involved in higher level mental activities, the less time she will have for drama.” A smart woman will adore a guy who loves her brain!
Chris
You should write about what men want/need/appreciate at 20, then 30, then 40, then 50… it changes. As do women’s w/n/a. If you find ‘that’ person, do not live together 7 days per week.. it’s the fastest way to kill the passion. Familiarity breeds contempt. Leave a bit of mystery!! XXOO
Oh yeah… this is a dating blog. I should be up front and open here… sex first; then decide if it’s worth the time, effort and expense of ‘dating.’
XXOO
very nicely written. i totally agree that measuring up to your own list is a great way to go. this is kind of a smaller perspective of “be the change you wish to see in the world.”
be the change you wish to see in your life.
Sasha: Comfortably and in-quantity when needed! Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot that you believe in me, even though you’re not very tall.
Chris: Thanks! Cosmo hasn’t expressed any interest yet but we’ll wait and see! =) Yes, smart ladies are where it’s at!
Susie: Yes, leave a bit of mystery…but you don’t like a lot of mystery when it comes to physical interaction, eh? You crack me up, lady! Thanks for reading!
Porter: Checked out your site and really like your music. Your experience in traveling the world and realizing that the one thing you missed was your piano…speaks to us all about the importance of discovering and fostering our true passions. Thanks for inspiring me and for taking the time to say hi!
Best to all of you!
Seth
I really liked this post. You hint at a few important truths without really drawing them out, which is a really effective method for a post on this topic.
Maybe I’m odd, but the vast majority of the quality time I spend with my husband is spent over meals. Hangups about food (on either side of a couple) will only make for awkward meals and an awkward relationship. I guess if both people are super shallow and weight-control fanatics, it might work out…they’d encourage each other not to eat, or something. But I just don’t see the point…there are so many lovely foods out there to explore…and it’s much more fun to do that exploration with a loved one!
Melanie: Of course you’re odd, you’re an amazing lady! I don’t relish the idea of being with somebody who encourages me not to eat! Let’s cook something wildly different and enjoy it, I say!
Thank you for your kind remarks. I wish you and your husband all the best in your relationship and culinary adventures!
Seth
Seth, years ago when I wanted to meet women, I’d figure out their expectations and try to meet them, completely neglecting my own expectations. When that time came when I was able to get these particular women, I felt amazing, like I achieved some type of major goal in life. Little did I know that it would amount to nothing because of these women, none of them were able to meet my expectations when it came down to it.
Now, I set expectations for myself and what I look for in an ideal mate. It makes for much healthier relationship and gives it a chance at long-term implications.
If you make a change, you do it for yourself, not for others.
And I’m sure that cheesecake was worth every piece.
It’s about balance…
Yeah, I like that
Thomas: You, my friend, know how to put things on a page! “If you make a change, do it for yourself, not for others.” Words to live by. The cheesecake was delicious! =)
Bobby: It is about balance! You have to make sure you drink a glass of eggnog for every piece of cheesecake! I kid, I kid. “Balance” is so easy to say and so hard to find in one’s own life. I hope we all find more of it this new year.
Best to you!
Seth
Seth – I’m not even in the dating market, or in your age range, but I love your blog! I’ve subscribed and added a link to you from my page.
Very cool gig you got going here. Keep it up. Soon you will have enough for a book.
Later.
Laurie
Laurie: Thank you so much! I really appreciate your support.
Moving to print media seems to be a theme in the comments on this post. Do you think someday you’ll hear a writer-friend exulting because they were asked to write a blog? If it’s in my future, I’ll run with it. If not, that’s okay!
I really couldn’t be more thrilled to be sharing my thoughts with you and enjoying the conversation that ensues! Thanks so much for your comment!
Seth
Dear Seth,
Found your site through Twitter. The trait of caring is one that lasts for years – very well put.
Staying active and caring for others can be done even after 85. Mom was still vounteer tutoring, visiting retirement home friends, and entertaining friends at her home. She actively cared about others. It was not a competition.
I think an attractive body, mind, and spirit is what we do look for in friends. I also looked for the traits of responsible, dependable, honest, gentle, hard-working, and thus someone I could respect.
When I know my gray hair and clothes are a mess my partner still finds me attractive and continues to love me, give me confidence that I’m smart enough to make my own decisions, and generally let me know I’m cherished.
Finally, look for someone with the same values you have.
Good work! I also have my very own weblog I just think it is very hard to write good quality material like this.