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I asked my friends, I asked myself, I even asked my parents when I saw them over the holiday just to see what they’d say.
How do I get a date? I was at a low point then and the real problem wasn’t that I couldn’t get a date so much as I was asking how can I get a date when I needed to focus on where the real problem was: with me!
I’ve always been a fairly friendly person. You know the adage about needing to be a friend in order to get friends, right? Well I had that part down and I was meeting lots of girls but I wasn’t getting any dates.
I’ll break what was going wrong and how I fixed it (and how you can, too!) by asking the questions I should have started with:
How do I get a date when I’m not asking for dates?
If you’re not actually asking people out you probably shouldn’t complain about the number of dates you’re not going on. Hey, I’ve been there so I should say that I definitely get that it’s easier to complain than make a change. How to make that change? You’ve got to start asking. You don’t want to ask just anybody. Ask somebody who you’ve had a few exchanges with and you know is available and possibly interested.
Not sure if they’re interested or not? Go old school and ask your friends if you stand a chance. Friends can be unreliable when it comes to general questions of this sort because they tend to be supportive but they’ll be helpful if you ask about somebody in particular. No matter what. You’ve got to ask and keep asking!
If you ask a few people out and get consistent no’s. You’ll want to rethink either your target or your approach. Either your asking the right people the wrong way or you’re asking the wrong people the right way. If you’re feeling particularly bold, it wouldn’t hurt to ask a random person who you’d probably ask out if you knew them a bit what they think of your approach. Conversations of this sort can be hilarious so long as you keep things upbeat and are willing to laugh at yourself!
How do I get a date when I don’t know what I really want?
This is where I really fell down to start with. See, I’d ask a girl out and she’d say no and I’d get discouraged but I didn’t really have a good reason for getting so down about it. Mostly because I rarely had a good reason for asking her out. I didn’t know what I wanted and that left me with little to work with when I got up the courage to ask a girl I thought I liked out!
Instead of spending my free time fussing about not having a significant other, I took some time to figure out what I really enjoyed doing by myself. You know what happened once I finally go really into photography and was enjoying spending my free time taking photos? I met a woman who also enjoys photography and I asked her out on a date. Fortunately, she said yes or that wouldn’t have worked as well as an example. =)
Point being, if you take time to figure out what you really want then you’ll have something to do while you’re hoping for somebody to come along and join your adventure.
How do I get a date when I’m terrified of rejection?
I know I said you’ve got to ask for dates to get dates. The tough part is dealing with the no’s and they tend to come fast and furious if you’re not taking your time and asking the right people. Unfortunately you don’t learn what is “right” until you’ve made a few mistakes and learned what works and what doesn’t.
The easiest way to get over your fear of rejection is to get some help. Break a date down into the parts that scare you and conquer one at a time. Are you worried about chatting over dinner? Invite a friend out to dinner with the express purpose of having a regular conversation with them about things you don’t necessarily talk about. Not only will you have fun but you’ll reassure yourself that it isn’t too hard. Not sure what to wear or where to go? Take yourself on a date or two. Nobody said you have to be with somebody to enjoy a walk, take in a movie, or try out a great local restaurant!
You may be tempted to apologize for yourself during a date. A lot of people do and it never, ever ends well. Not sure what I’m talking about? Apologizing during a date usually happens when one realizes that they like the other but look back at all their baggage and start worrying that things will head south. This is awful because you shouldn’t be worrying about things failing before they’ve even had a chance to take off! The mumbling about how you’ve got problems and aren’t perfect and have hurt people in the past isn’t going to help your current relationship at all. Stay clear of that, chatterbox!
If you ask for dates, know what you want, and keep your fear of rejection quelled, you’ll get a date in no time and enter the exciting world of building meaningful relationships. Best of luck, friend!