How do you stop impulsively sending texts, calling, and reconnecting with the ex’s who make you miserable? Here’s my story:
“The Frown Brigade? There’s got to be a story behind this!” Said Mya, the wizardess helping me transfer phone numbers into a new phone.
“The Frown Brigade” was a group of numbers in my phone dedicated to all the ex’s I still spoke with on occasion. When I was feeling down, I would call one of them and always feel worse after our conversation.
Why don’t we call ex’s when we’re feeling great? Why not when things are going well and we don’t feel lonely?
You never call an ex when you’re feeling great. It’s always when you’re feeling low, drunk, sad, or miserable that you reach out to one. You know the situation. No matter what your ex is doing when she picks up the phone, it sounds amazing compared to your life.
Case in point: One solitary evening about 2 years ago. I was sitting on the couch, being miserable and lonely. All my friends were busy so I called HER.
Me: “Hi, it’s Seth.”
HER: “I know, Seth, what’s up? Are you okay?” (She was asking out of common courtesy. Of course, I took her question to mean that she still cared).
Me: “I’m good. You know, been busy. What have you been up to?”
Her: “Oh, that’s good to hear! I’m really glad, Seth. I’ve got to go though. I’m making a peanut butter sandwich. I’m glad you called!”
::beep::
At first, I was angry at the peanut butter sandwich for being more interesting and sexy than me. Then I realized that my ex had simply dealt with me politely and moved on with her evening. I wanted to know how to do that.
After many workouts, countless conversations with honest friends and willing strangers, and a few mishaps: Here are five concepts I have successfully used to alleviate the powers of an ex. (These won’t work as well for you amazing creatures called single parents, I’m sorry)
1. Accept that getting over an ex can be an incredibly painful experience.
The more fully you can accept each part of the task you face, the better you’ll be at handling the low points and failures you encounter in the process. Getting over the heartache of a failed relationship is hard work.
You’ll need to enlist the help of friends, family, perhaps even a few strangers to get through this difficult time. It’s okay to ask for help. We’ve all been in your shoes and suffered with feelings remarkably similar to the ones you’re feeling right now.
**a quick note on the Dude Rule about crying: Guys, it’s okay to cry around your friends if you’re torn up about losing a girl. Just don’t do it in public and don’t do it more than once around the same friends.**
2. Remove any trace of contact information.
Delete the phone numbers. Block her on every social media platform you can. (Facebook, etc) Think of it as taking all the crack out of your house. You want to get over the addiction, don’t store crack in your house and don’t keep an ex’s phone number! If you truly want to get over your ex, you need to first convince yourself that it’s something you want to do. The physical action of removing contact information is a big step but it’s necessary if you want to begin the healing process.
3. Set up your own “Phone a Friend” lifeline.
If you want to lose weight, it’s important to have healthy food around your house so it’s easy to choose good food instead of the greasy stuff. The same rule (that of having healthy choices) applies to getting over an ex! Find a friend who will commit to talking you “away from the edge” whenever you get the urge to contact your ex. Having a healthy alternative to contacting your ex means picking up the phone when you’re sad isn’t a bad thing. You were just going to call your friend, right? Riiiight?
When you’re healed and happy, make sure you take time to show your friend how much you appreciate the help!
4. Do not let your ex make you fat.
Increase your level of exercise immediately following a break up. I once committed to adding an hour to my workout each time I called a particular ex. We’ll call her The Dragon for convenience. After working out for 5 hours following one evening of weakness, I was ready to move on with my life…slowly and painfully. After a few weeks of intense workouts, I was faster, thinner, and sleeping through the night. I also had more confidence and energy.
When you’re faster, thinner, and sleeping well, you’ll find it’s much, much easier to meet new people who make you smile. Don’t worry about those people now, though. Just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. You’ll make it!
5. Stop waiting to get over your ex.
I have sat alone for days, moping like a scorned princess in a tower, and it did not make me happy. When I realized that I should be celebrating my release from something that was making me unhappy, I was able to move forward. Go ahead and mourn for awhile, but do not let the goblin of your failed relationship gnaw on your smile. You had a life before you met your ex. Remember it? You had fun then. You smiled. You spent time with friends and laughed at little things.
————————————————————————————————————–
Everybody in the small wireless store had stopped to listen to my conversation with Mya.
“Shall I transfer all the numbers but these, then?” She asked.
“Yes,” I agreed. “I think I’ll be just fine without them.”
And I was.
I wish you all the best as you move away from the relationships that drag you down. It can be a fierce battle, I know. But if you make a decision to rid your life of the people who drag you down and enlist your friends to help, you will triumph!
Have you found something that has served you well in getting over an ex? Please share in a comment for others to learn from. Thank you!
Seth
Further reading: What to do when he leaves
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I’m with you on this one! 100%. I have a “delete all” policy (yeah, go ahead and laugh at the obvious exceptions).
And may I add, thank you for stopping with the V day posts. I was gonna get really cranky with you if there was another one. Talk about a day that’s hard for single people…
SG: Ahhh, yes. It’s the exceptions that get us all in trouble!
If you’re still single on V-day (which is unlikely. Vivacious, funny, adventurous, affectionate=winner), let me know and I’ll write you a poem and send you an Mp3 of me reading it aloud.
Deal? =D
Seth
Everything you wrote is true and tried.
I’d like to add that another way to get over an ex is to start dating again and be open to the possibility of meeting a new lover.
I am wodering why you excluded single parents for this? Afterall, they date and break-up just like the rest of the folks.
Henie: Dating somebody new before making a healthy effort to get over your ex rarely ends well. The saying “you can’t get over a guy until you’re under another” may be quite true…but it’s unfair to the person one is just using for the rebound.
As to the single parents thing, it was more of a recognition than an exclusion. A break-up when you have kids with somebody *isn’t* just like the ones “the rest of the folks” have. It’s more complex, takes more finesse, and can be an extended thing if parents are to stay involved in the lives of their kids. #2 Stands out as one that might not work for a SP. The others, yes!
Thanks for visiting!
Seth
Something to get over an ex?? I have the perfect remedy, and it’s electric.
This should be required reading for anyone that has gone through a break up. Next time I get that urge to reach out to an ex I’m gonna come back and read this post instead.
Excellent advice!
“Remove any trace of contact information.”
Over time I’ve noticed that this seems to be the hardest thing to do.
“if you make a decision to rid your life of the people who drag you down and enlist your friends to help, you will triumph!”
This is a good statement that we can use in other aspects of our life
Susie: You crack me up. “electric things” don’t give very good hugs though, do they?
Catherinette: I hope you do! It can work very well to enlist a friend who is willing to talk to you when you are feeling like making bad decision. Good friends are worth so much!
Bobby: Agreed! You are a wise man, Bobby. It is definitely the hardest thing to do. It is perhaps impossible to forget the memory of somebody you once loved, but you can make a real effort to be happy in spite of those memories!
Thanks for stopping by!
Seth
Good words. 20 yr old son is experiencing the pain for the first time and it’s sound advice, and best of all, NOT from Mom =)
There are 2 kinds of exes: Ones you dump and ones that dump you.
I think for the ones you dump, make sure you are clear. Being passive and trying to avoid confrontation usually leads to some sort of misconception and potentially a restraining order.
For the ones who dump you, I don’t think you should get rid of EVERYTHING. Over time, you start to remember the good things and the bad become not-so-bad in recollection. I suggest holding on to that last letter, email, journal entry… whatever, so when you are tempted, you can get a nice reality check.
Besides, it’s too easy to look someone up again these days. I have one ex that I get a “friend request” from on some social media site every month or so where he deleted me and then tried to add me back. He was always a sweet guy, but that just seems sad.
I am so glad you included #2. I have been called harsh cold names for my “delete all policy” but I’m with you on the crack, Seth. In fact, I had to replace the crack with another addiction… Twitter!
So, will you be on my phone a friend list?
Your pain, my pain!
p.s. Shonda, love that holding on to the last email for a reality check. Good one!
#5 is really the key. Just think of the reasons why you got divorced in the first place. If that doesn’t work, think of something unpleasant to eat or do, anytime you think of the ex. Just don’t be too quick to get too serious or you will have another ex to worry about.
Maybe that is why I have been married 6 times………….
Just kidding
Shonda: That’s some good advice! You’re right about how easy technology has made it for us to dig up all the old hurt! Whatever happened to exes going on long voyages and living years of life before they show up again? =)
Ria: You need an entire list of phone-a-friends? =D Busy lady!
Jerry: Avoiding rebounds is key, I think. Many people say the best way to get over an ex is to start dating others. I firmly believe in the value of taking time to reflect on a relationship and determine ways to improve future interactions.
Best to you!
Seth
This was a good read! I wish that I had found this a few months ago, when I was still sopping over my ex…
Great post Seth.
Personally my best tool has been the ability to get over the ex and just move on, at times it was instantly.
I also think that with time you develop these habits and you will be able to move from one to another.
Look at relationships the same as running a business.
Hire slow, and fire them fast.
I liked this. I agree. You need to remove their number and just live your life. Friends aren’t always helpful in the situation though. They can make you feel worse. Joining something online can help you get over your ex. It is easier to talk to strangers about your problems and they don’t usually judge the situation in the same way. You can always be like me and start a blog/podcasting to get over relationships.
Love it! I may have to link back from my blog.
I’m one of the social networking deleters as well — at least for the ones I have an emotional connection to. Thankfully, a lot of my exes are actually friends or acquaintances these days… but the ones who are not… REMOVE THE CRACK!
I do keep the numbers logged in though and rename them things like “Do not answer this phone call” and “The one you do not want to talk to.” Just so I’m not surprised when they invariably call after months of not hearing from them… it helps to keep me from getting a surprise “You sank my battleship” kind of feeling.
I have one that I should rename “Run 3 miles if you dial this number” — that would make it impossible for me to even WANT to dial. Love the hire slow, fire fast advice from Tom… I’ve been applying that one recently and it works!
thanks for another good one blue goat boy
Austin: We all tend to have a few exes in our lives so perhaps it’ll prove helpful with your next? Let’s hope you don’t have one! =)
Tom: You cold-hearted bloke! Instant cut-off and going on dates like you’re interviewing employees? Hehe, I get what you mean though. Just don’t lose your ability to jump into things feet-first when you know the time is right.
EB: Yes, it’s definitely easier to talk to strangers about one’s problems. Do you think that explains why many people destroy otherwise successful dates with venting sessions about past relationships?
Kelli: Yes, I’m with you on preferring floating battleships to the ones sunk by random phone calls. You’re never going to forget that picture, are you! =D
Best to you!
Seth
It’s been over 6 months since my ex broke up with me, but I still have great feelings for him. I stopped talking to him for 2 months, but it became unbearable since we had almost all classes together.
So now we’re best friends, talking everyday, being really close. So I’m still not over him, but one good sign I guess is that I can’t cry, even if I’m still sad (:
Any advice? And no I won’t delete his number or stop talking to him. I don’t want to lose the friendship I’ve built up.
My ex and I just had a very mutual break-up at the beginning of March, just under a month before we hit one year together. It was very hard for me, because my constant worrying of losing him the whole time, ended in me losing him! I had started talking to a new guy 4 days afterwards, but then that interest went down completely after I realized he was only temporarily filling a whole in my heart.
The ex and I are still friends, which is what he really wants, and I’m pretty alright with that. I want more, but I know that won’t happen, and I accept it fully.
We’re both heading of to different colleges this fall, and I know I’ll meet some great people there and hopefully a great new guy, maybe even that same one I talked to, and my ex would just be a guy I had some really great times with. And that’s all I need from him.
I had deleted him off of my MSN, but recently added him again, knowing that while it may be hard for a while talking to him, down the road, it could be even harder NOT to talk to him.
Your post really is great, and it made me realize that I can get on with my life, and that there’s always going to be another guy who’s going to want to lavish me with affection and treat me as if I was a rare gift made for him alone.
Thanks for the post!
Jess
Going to college should help a lot. Just hold on through the summer.
Here’s my bit of killer advice for college and meeting people: Say hello to as many people as you possibly can in your first 2 weeks of school. Everybody is still feeling new and unconnected. Saying hello and opening initial conversations will make the rest of your social adventure much easier. You’ll soon be covered with friends and potential boys who will help you forget the bitter taste in your mouth. Good luck!
I have no words of wisdom. However, i would be remiss if I did not thank you for yours. It is not a slight thing that through your words I actually laughed. Outloud. Thank you
I’m delighted at the chance to make you smile. I hope your heart heals quickly!
I broke up with my ex around 3 months ago and it doesn’t get any easier. I can’t seem to stop calling or texting her even though she blatantly wants nothing to do with me whatsoever. She moved out into a new place and I guess I was in denial until it actually happened and I am blaming myself for everything that has happened and the last thing I want to do is move on ane meet other women, even though that’s probably the best thing to do.
Hi any ideas how to get over a 3 year relationship and also be pregnant by him? he continues to play mind games with me – im in a mess and time doesnt seem to be helping I havent seen him since April and I still love him with all my heart
Hi.I’m so confused,and now I even don’t know what love is..my ex broke up with me 3 month ago..after 3 years..at first it didn’t hurt at all..we had some small break ups before,and always came back.Now when he broke up with me it was fine,i felt like we had never dated,I got out,met other man,had some one night stands..and felt ok with it..and then i called him..we talked and got some time together..we were together for a week but didn’t came back..i just can’t let him go..i did some stupid things and say some stupid and hurtful words to him trying to make him feel bad..and i just don’t know what i’m feeling-i want him,i cant forget him and i just don’t belive it’s over/our plans for the future..our promises (we planed to marry) ..but he says that he doesn’t wanna come back now and don’t know what he feels for me..so time passing and with every week it just getting worse,i can’t stop thinking of him..now i even don’t wanna someone else,it’s just not IT/and i tried some..i miss him so much..he was more than a lover to me..it’s like to loose one of your family member.and i just don’t wanna forget him and throw out of my life.he means so much to me,PLEAS EXPLAIN ME WHAT TO DO! how to act.. i can’t think anymore is it true love if i feel that way? or it’s just a habit?
PLEASE HELP ME, I’ll really appreciate it..
Hi Seth! I’m currently going through my second week as a signle man after a two year relationship. I must say, after reading many many papers with tips and tricks on “how to get over you ex”, i must absolutly tell you, that yours is definatly the one that applies best to my mentality. I wan’t to thank you for giving me the courage to get rid of any contact information i had with my ex, and exes! That peanut butter sandwich scenario is gold. A sense of control and releif was felt instantly, again thank you and i hope this gets to you and brightens up your day as you did to me!
I call myself a masochist for the ways I continue to punish MYSELF in trying to get over my ex. My issue is that after a year-long romance. He just abruptly stopped calling me and answering my calls, texts, and emails. It got to a point where I actually wrote him a letter just to see if he was breathing! I found out later that while he was in a relationship with me . . . he was cheating on me with another woman. In fact, the only person who didn’t know about it was me. He was parading her around, buying her gifts, inviting her over. I couldn’t see the signs. I was “blinded by love” as lame as that sounds. He told me he loved me and I believed him. This is the second time he’s done this (first time was when we were teens) . . . I thought he’d changed, he said he had, he showed me he had . . .I believed he had.
I’m a smart woman, I have an awesome career, I’m totally adorable, and I was really good to him. It has been six months and I still can’t listen to love songs . . . or songs that even remotely sound like something he would like. Sad, I know … luckily this is anonymous otherwise my friends would chew me up. I know time heals all things but geezlouize this still stings like heck!!
I’ll try your list because booze, shopping, cake, and spa treatments aren’t working . . .well, maybe cake does a little bit . . .:)
I have no clue why alexa sent me to your site but I feel I should say I am now pretty entertained by the site conent you have together. How many days did it take to start getting so many WWW users showing up to your blog? I am new to all this.
Some of this is good advice but as a divorcee of a 14 year relationship with a child, I unfortunately can’t delete him from my life. I so would if I could! This advice works for those short 6 month to year relationships but for the long term ones I still can’t figure out what to do. It has been 4 years since I left and I am still not over it. I know that one of the contributors wrote that you forget over time why you dumped them and start remembering only the good. I think that has happened to me…especially after dating for 4 years. “The grass is not always greener on the other side” if you know what I mean? Anyway, wish somebody could help me mend this broken heart and wish I could just hit delete.