by Sarah Joy Albrecht
“Do I look fat in this dress?”
Next to being asked to get snipped, this is the dreaded question that men fear most from women.
How can he answer this loaded, Catch-22? If he answers “yes,” he’s in the doghouse. If he says “no,” he’s “not being honest” and God forbid a girlfriend points out the obvious during a trip the ladies’ room.
Believe it or not, my husband Tom and I have had a “do I look fat in this dress” pact since the beginning of our marriage, when I was healthy size eight.
Ten years, five kids and an abdominal myomectomy later, I was considering starting a reclaim-my-body exercise regimen and I asked my husband the dreaded question.
He ducked and dutifully answered in the affirmative.
I did not hit him.
“It’s okay for me to say that because you told me to be honest,” he said, peering through his fingers. “Remember the pact?!”
“Yes,” I replied, through clenched teeth. “I remember.”
Tom quickly promised me that I was lovely and desirable to him, and would continue to be, even if I didn’t lose a single inch from my waistline. He even gave me a flirtatious look that assured me he meant what he said.
“Make a list of things you need,” he said. He then funded my workout gear, even encouraging me to get the more expensive weight set so that it would be more durable.
On the occasions I’ve growled and hit “snooze” on my Japanese cell phone’s wake-up alarm, he’s even gone as far as saying “C’mon, love, put your feet on the tatami mat” when I don’t feel like to rolling out of my futon in the wee hours of the morning. (Although, in this case, I think it’s just a masked excuse to sadistically fling off my cozy blankets and watch me beg for mercy!)
Why am I happy, instead of offended, that Tom answered honestly? Because our pact has been the single most motivating item on my list of reasons for sticking with my exercise routine. I want to look my best for him, especially since he loves me even when I’m not my physical best. (Not to mention he’s been by my side through thick and thin while I gained those extra pounds.) Tom was honest and supportive both verbally and monetarily – without guilting me over the budget – when it mattered most. That’s love.
It is because we have the foundation of forever in place that we can be so frank with each other. He’s my bestfriendinthewholewideworld, and I’d rather hear it from him than anyone else.
Still wondering about having a potentially embarrassing pact with your significant other? Think of it this way: If you were at a restaurant, wouldn’t you want your closest friend to tell you that you have spinach stuck between your teeth?
I would!
Would you consider a “do I look fat in this?” pact or would you prefer your partner always insist that you’re the perfect weight? Let me know! =)
RT @datingpapers When Is It Okay to Tell Her She Looks Fat?
photo credit: fazen
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Sarah said she’d follow her husband Tom to the ends of the earth. He called her bluff, and they moved from their house in Pennsylvania to live by the sea in northern Japan. They homeschool their five progeny, all born after 2001. She loves people, writes for fun and thinks about God constantly. You can find her blog at http://sarahjoyalbrecht.com or follow her @mrsalbrecht on Twitter.
I have a pact with myself to never ask that question!
Reason #397 why Amy is a very cool lady. =)
I wouldn’t ask the question (or pretty much any question) if I didn’t want an honest answer. *shrugs*
I want to know which woman does not already know if she has a weight problem, without having to ask a man. Asking the husband if he cares is another issue.
Mary,
You’re right – it’s a rhetorical question.
But, why is this particular health issue off the table?
Obesity shortens your lifespan and heavily contributes to a myriad of health issues, including diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and even some cancers.
Wouldn’t it be loving, instead of rude, for a husband to “care” about a weight problem? After all, devotion is vowed in sickness and in health.
If thoughtful discussion about health issues, and helping to solve them, are in the context of thousands of other important issues, I think it says a lot about the relationship.
If you can’t trust your husband to talk to you and support you while you’re working on a problem area, who can you trust?
Looking forward to your response.
Much love,
Sarah
Yeah, I would definitely not ask that. I’m critical enough of myself that I know when an outfit is not working (or when I’ve gained weight)! If I’m on the fence, I’ll ask him, “What do you think of this outfit?” or “How do I look?” … “Do I look fat in this?” is just a loaded gun, waiting for the tiniest tap on the trigger.
My wife and I don’t have any pact, but we don’t ask each other either. In the even that body types, shapes, etc… I tend to go with the philosophy that I fell in love with my wife the person, rather than my wife the body. Any changes over the years are just a part of our journey together. She’ll always be beautiful to me, and I hope I’ll be handsome to her because we love each other for who we are rather than how we look.
Jim,
“Any changes over the years are just a part of our journey together.”
Well said! It is obvious that you care about your bride very much!
I’m wondering — if she asked you to help her assess her health, including her weight, what would you say to her? Would you be honest? How would you lovingly support her if she needed to make a change?
Thanks for sharing your perspective
Much love,
Sarah
I think I take a dft perspective, Sarah. Jon wants me to be happy, so when I tell him I am uncomfortable and need exercise so I can reduce my weight, he helps me to have that time and even walks with me sometimes. My point is that I don’t need to hear his opinion of my weight, I just need him to help me & support me the way he always does, ykwim? I think men ignore their weight gain, but women generally do not.
Sarah said: “You’re right – it’s a rhetorical question.
But, why is this particular health issue off the table?”
I don’t think Mary was saying that you could not talk about your weight issue with your husband, but rather to point out that if women is over weight she probably already knows that. And so therefore to ask a question of whether he thinks she is fat would not contribute to their conversation about her weight issue.
I think women are often afraid to ask for love (and of course men are too, but usually in a different way). For example, to ask: “Honey would you say how much you love me and give me a hug” is much scarier than to go about it in a round about way and to ask: “Honey, do I look like I have gained some weight”. Because if your boyfriend says no to the former, it hurts even more than saying the truth to the latter.
I think it is a good idea for a man to show caring toward his wife or girlfriend about her weight, as long as that caring comes from a place of understanding, love, and support, and not from a place of trying to control or change someone.
I really think it is in the delivery.
Also the self confidence of the recipient. Even some men cannot handle the truth when they are already unhappy.
great post
Hi all,
Due to the nature of recent comments–some which made great points, albeit unrelated to this particular post–comment moderation has been turned on. If you’d like to contribute something to the post-related discussion, your input is welcomed!
Thanks for reading!
(thread revised 8.27)