By Jef Nance, former police interrogator and author of the book Conquering Deception©
How can you tell when somebody is lying to you?
Deception abounds in media, business, and social circles, but it’s most destructive in personal relationships. Why? Because we’re most susceptible to deception from the people we trust most. Trust breeds comfort and causes us to let our defenses go down. That’s as it should be—but it makes us vulnerable to a spouse or partner when they find a need to deceive us.
The danger with deception is that everyone lies, but few of us use effective techniques to find the truth. After all, they didn’t teach us this stuff in school, did they?
Most of us fail to detect lies by relying on one of three techniques:
- Gut instinct -”I just know she’s lying” (worthless).
- Myth - Techniques that have been passed around for years – “liars won’t look you in the eye” (worse).
- Home-brewed – Techniques we’ve erroneously placed our faith in, i.e. ”John gets that little crease in his brow every time he lies” (worse yet).
Why would my partner want to deceive me?
Deception is typically used in personal relationships for self-preservation. We’ve done something we don’t want the other to know about, so we conceal it.
A less-obvious variation: Lying to save another person’s feelings—a little more benevolent, but still a form of self-preservation. Consider this: When they ask our opinion, how eager are we to tell our partner we don’t like what they’re wearing? A lie at one of these moments preserves all.
Body language is the buzz-word of the “deception industry” and it has some limited validity, but think of this:
How do people lie? With their bodies… or with their words?
People may reveal information through body movements, but they use words to deceive us—and so words hold the greatest power to reveal that deception. To go even deeper, here’s a little secret that few appreciate: Whether your aim is to influence, create rapport, or get at the truth, nothing gives you more power in conversation than having a mastery of how to ask questions—and knowing how to interpret what you get back.
5 Questions To Ask If You Think Your Partner Is Lying:
1. Did They Hesitate?
The average person probably subscribes to my Deception Myth #11: “A person who hesitates is lying.” (false) Here’s the real deal: To judge whether a person who hesitates before answering is deceptive, we have to consider the nature of our question. Some questions naturally require a moment of thought. For example: “What did you eat for lunch last Tuesday?” (Draws on memory) or “Who do you think will win the next presidential race?” (Draws on imagination.)
If, on the other hand, you asked, “Did you talk to Janet this morning?” there should be no hesitation—unless the person is considering a deceptive response. Because this question concerns fact, and a very recent event, an honest person shouldn’t need to hesitate before giving you the answer.
Hesitation can be a very reliable sign of deception, just be sure to consider the question; is it reasonable that a person would need just a moment to come up with the answer?
2. Did They Avoid A Direct Response?
Given that I told you “everyone” uses deception, it might surprise you that I now tell you this: People usually tell the truth. The catch? Here’s my Deception Myth #46: Telling the truth is not the same as being honest. Believe it or not, people avoid outright lying if they can. One alternative to lying is to speak the truth while avoiding subjects they’d rather conceal from you.
So rather than lie, a person who wants to keep something from you can simply change the subject, give an indirect answer, or even tell the truth—while leaving out the details he doesn’t want you to know. This way he accomplishes the deception and avoids the tricky and dangerous sport of lying.
An example: Now, I wasn’t in Phoenix last weekend, but suppose I wanted you to believe that I was. If you were to ask me, “Jef, did you have fun in Phoenix last weekend?” I could reply, “I always have fun in Phoenix, I love that city. Have you ever been there?”
Without actually telling a lie, I confirmed your belief that I was in Phoenix simply by avoiding the question. People routinely avoid what they don’t want to discuss and will often divert you by throwing a question back at you, as I just did… so it’s up to you to notice when they violate this next question:
3. Did They Answer or Just Respond?
Most folks don’t notice when their questions go unanswered. Many times we get a response, rather than a substantive answer. When you fail to pick up on non-answers, you leave yourself open to the tactic of avoidance I mentioned with the last question.
So why do we fail to notice when a person gives a response instead of an answer? Because most of us are so consumed with our own thoughts and what we’re going to say next that we just don’t listen well. A lot of these non-answer responses sound intelligent, may be lengthy, and address something, just not the question we asked. We get distracted by what is said and fail to notice that they avoided our question. Watch any political news conference and you’ll see masters at work. Politicians rarely give direct answers. It’s even more seldom that they’re called out for their indirect answers.
In all fairness, sometimes people fail to give a substantive answer because of their own internal distractions. It’s not that they’re being deceptive. They just aren’t listening so well themselves and are consumed with what they want to say. I’ve always had a “3 Strikes & You’re Out” policy. If a person fails to give a direct answer on the same subject three times, it’s safe to conclude they don’t want to address it.
Always ask yourself, “Was that an answer… or a response?
4. Did They Revisit the Question?
Back when I was a police detective interrogating crooks, I had a burglary suspect in my office one day. It was just the two of us, the door was closed, and there were no distractions. We were eye-to-eye just feet apart. I asked him in a clear voice, “Did you break into the house?” He hesitated, then said, “Who, me?”
This is an example that embodies the first three questions all rolled into one! He hesitated, he avoided giving an honest answer, and he gave me a response instead of an answer. If you ask your partner a simple, direct question (you always should), and there’s no logical reason for them to have not heard you clearly, they’re buying time to think through their options by revisiting your question. If a person says, “Could you say that again?”, “What?”, or repeats your question back to you verbatim, they’re Revisiting the Question. Stick with it. You’re onto something.
5. Did You Ask For A Lie?
Rather than a technique for spotting deception, this one’s actually a pitfall that can inadvertently land you in deeper chaos if you don’t avoid it.
No one likes being lied to or deceived. (The ego is fierce beast, isn’t it?) When we know about something “bad” our partner has done, we already feel wronged. Especially in personal relationships, we often know the truth already. Rather than exploring, we’re testing. Deep down we want them to fail the test. So instinct (and ego) leads us to ask a question that’s unwittingly designed to get them to lie to us.
When they predictably lie, now we have two offenses against us:
- The action that inspired our question.
- Their lie about it… which we needlessly invited.
If you already know the truth, don’t ask about it. Instead, tell them what you know with absolute confidence and certainty. Then move on to addressing the issue. Hard as it may be, a great way to do this is by demonstrating some empathy and allowing them to save face. Depending on the circumstances, lines like, “We all make mistakes,” or “I can understand why it seemed right at the time,” or “I just want to know why you did it,” can ease the way for their owning up.
The idea of reading body language is alluring, but the underlying key to spotting deception? Listening. Speak less, keep your ears open, and notice the subtleties in what people say to you.
What you’ll find is that they’re giving you more information than they realize, and more than they intended.
For more from Jef Nance, a former police interrogator, pick up a copy of his book, Conquering Deception©
, check out his blog and follow him Twitter!
What about you? Have you ever caught a partner in a lie? What happened?
Did you like this article? Feel free to Stumble it or click to share with your friends on Twitter. Thanks!
photos via flickr: kk,af,vb,lb
Wow. You are brave to take on this subject. Determining whether a partner is lying to you is ripe with opportunities to project, make assumptions and otherwise make a fool of oneself.
But your list does make one more thoughtful and that's useful in any situation.
Thanks for the food for thought!
"Brave" is an easy title to lay on Jef. I know "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" but I'm pretty certain he'd do okay in that instance, too. =)
If we fear making a fool out of ourselves for the sake of honesty and better communication, it could be argued that we have no business wishing for a fulfilling long-term relationship. Don't you think?
Best!
Seth
Perhaps. But one could also argue that one who makes judgments based upon observations that are in turn based upon projection and assumptions is potentially undeserving as well. I think the ideas proposed are sound, but should be tempered with the realization of our own biases.
Don’t you think?
No kidding.
I don’t think anybody was suggesting that somebody take anything as a hard-and-fast rule to be applied in every situation.
If you want to read a blog like that, I know quite a few pick-up-artist blogs you could slog through. =)
I didn't expect much, when I clicked the link from Twitter, but this is an excellent article. And that last bit – #5 – you MUST be a parent, too.
Glad to see you debunking the myths, as well as giving sound advice. Another favorite: "Liars blink xx times per minute." Or maybe they're just wearing new contact lenses.
Always glad to surprise. Jef is the best. Yes, liars blinking a lot…contacts, dust, allergies…they’re just pretending. It’s a lie anyhow! =)
As someone who’s been lied to more than anyone ever should, I can’t stress point #5 enough. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of asking for the lie, not just because you want to catch the person lying to you, but because you hope to god that this time, something will give, and they’ll finally tell you the truth. From years of experience, I know that that’s just not ever gonna happen. If you know what went down, take the advice in #5 to heart and confront.
I’ve certainly been guilty of the same behavior. I think it’s just so tempting to start a fight when I’m mad about something that it’s easy to forget that honesty and great communication needs to be the primary goal.
Here’s to personal evolutions and the better relationships that come as a result!
I think #5 is especially important. I ended up in a situation where a guy grabbed and kissed me at a club shortly after I started dating someone (we’d been out 3 times). I have no memory of the event and I chose not to tell the guy I had just started dating because the relationship was still so new. Seven months later he found out, but because I couldn’t answer the questions he had about what happened, he determined I must be lying. Branded a cheater because I was too ashamed to tell someone I had just met that I let a situation get out of my control. Don’t let your quest to uncover lies keep you from seeing the truth.
Goodness, you were “official” after only three dates? Wow!
I don’t see how it’s possible to “cheat” after only three dates…unless:
1st Date: 3-day tour of California Wine Country
2nd Date: 8-day cruise
3rd Date: 72hr marathon shopping spree to find the perfect house to settle down in.
After those three dates, It might be fair to get irked about spit-swapping in a nightclub…but no cheater-branding.
Just my take. =)
Overly jealous people typically struggle with communication. I’ve found.
Apparently I”m just that good that I can make men fall in love with me after 3 dates =P
But seriously, his obsession with “catching” me in lies took all the truth out of any conversation. I spent more time trying to defend myself rather than talking about what was really the issue. I’m hoping his accusations were an attempt to find a reason to get out of the relationship (for whatever reasons he might have had) because it disheartens me to think he actually believed that I was lying to him.
#5, I know it’s been brought up before by the other commenters but that was by far the best. If you come to the conclusion that you wanted them to lie so you could prove them a liar you have to really take a step back and figure out just what is bothering you to try and put you and your partner into the situation in the first place. Your partner will probably think you’re crazy for setting up that situation as well. It happens when you move from the gut feeling “I just know it” for a long time into proving yourself right. Scary stuff.
Very scary stuff indeed! We tend to carry so much insecurity into relationships that it can be difficult to get even the mildly uncomfortable conversations headed in a positive direction. Thanks B!
Great article and topic Seth! Jef did a bang up job of avoiding the trite and exploring the real deal. I’ve never been very quick at spotting the liars since I tend to have a trust response to most people, but once I uncover a lie, it takes a small miracle for me to relax back into any kind of trust with that person. As for #5… I’m the queen of giving someone the opportunity to tell me the truth because that allows me to cross the forgiveness bridge a whole lot easier, but I never considered it a test designed to fail. I’m not sure that I agree, but its also the first time I’ve thought about it from that angle.
Thanks for posting.
Queen Kelli!
I think you read it backwards. The test designed to fail is caused by people asking questions they already know the answer to. “Did you sleep with 5 of Seth’s girlfriends?” when you know he did simply sets you up to hear another lie because most of us have trouble admitting to things when it could harm us.
If you don’t actually know the answer, then your line of questioning will be very different. That, I think, is what you’re saying you are the queen of?
Asking people questions about things you know the answer to is a great way to start fights and cause further erosion in already-damaged lines of communication.
But you knew that. =) Thanks lady!
Good stuff–all techniques that can be learned and each seems very intellectual, but it seems your missing the most critical of all—your gut.
Sadly most folks are not tuned into their gut, so they have to use the 5 techniques above. But in my view, I highly tuned intuition or gut are the only necessary tool to tell if your partner is lying. So, the question becomes, how much do you trust yourself and your own knowing?
But is your gut really telling you that someone is lying or that there is something about the relationship that you yourself are not comfortable with?
hey, Jason, you bring up a great point…
The Dutch guy who taught me how to fly (in an airplane) years ago admonished, “Always trust your instruments.” That’s because when you’re in the clouds and the horizon is out of view, your body can mislead you; with no reference point available, it might tell you the plane is turning left, when it’s turning right… or you’ll feel as if the plane is climbing when it’s actually nosing down. If you acted to change course based on these instincts, well… kind of dangerous right?
The problem with using gut instinct to find deception? It’s intangible. It’s not a technique. There’s nothing behind it. It’s really just a ‘feeling’. Our mood, what this person said to us yesterday, or other factors/prejudices can affect our interpretations… and conclusions.
If it’s worked for you, go for it. You may be one of the few who can reliably spot deception from feel. But I never recommend it.
Most people are better off using ‘instruments’ (techniques) to detect deception rather than just relying on gut instinct. I guess it goes back to that knowing/trusting of self that you mentioned, Jayson… with nothing to base the conclusion on, other than gut, how do you place confidence in your conclusion?
Thanks much Jayson!
-jef
It’s interesting to me that No. 5 got so much attention (rightfully).
Why is that?
When most people consider the whole subject of another person’s honesty, it’s usually with a subconscious little notion that we have no control over it. “They lie to me or they don’t.” Many haven’t considered that they aren’t powerless, and that in fact… they’re inadvertently working against themselves.
Truth is, we have a LOT of control over what others say to us–but it takes a few little tricks to make us of this.
The questions we ask them are THE most important factor in what we get back from another person. And they’re not all that simple. There a lot of right–and wrong–ways to ask questions. I’ll be posting on this soon on my own blog.
Thanks for a great blog, Seth, and thanks for having me ’sit in’. You’re readers are awesome folks–they don’t miss a thing!
-jef
Best reason to stumble through blogs you know have good content, but haven’t necessarily visited recently- posts like this.
btw- #5 resonated so deeply that I actually felt like I’d been punched. I’m guilty of preferring the lie at times. Kind of wimpy, really.
Very well done Jef, I now have a new blog to dig through later
Sorry for taking a swing at you, Michelle–no hard feelings? Thanks for your kind words!
-jef
I think everyone has raised some really great points in their responses to an interesting blog post.
What I found disconcerting, though, is that no one questioned the generalization Jef made that “everyone” lies. Everyone? I had to sit with this for a little bit (I first read the article a few days ago), but I just can’t go for that.
I agree that the five points presented, and especially the fifth one (I teach my students and clients that how you ask any question should be considered carefully based on what answer you want!), are all important things to know.
And I really, really cannot agree that “everyone” lies. And, uh, no, I don’t think that’s naivete speaking either!