I need your help!
Hi! I’ve (Seth) decided to begin answering relationship questions more often here on The Dating Papers. Some, like the one in this post, might fall into an area where you have experience and/or expertise. If that’s the case, please, please chime in with your thoughts and advice. All I ask is that you maximize positive support and minimize judgement. None of us know each other well enough to criticize effectively but our humanity should be reason enough to empathize as best we can.
I’ll post questions as they’re sent in (a few at a time if need be) in the hope that we can offer some real-life advice and support to those readers who take the time to reach out. I’ll contact the individuals who submitted questions as posts go live in the hope that they’ll take a moment to read and perhaps give some more context to their questions. Obviously, I can’t make any promises. I’m hopeful that this will be a positive experience for everyone involved. Thanks for your efforts to prove my hope worthwhile!
Now, for the question!
Joe wrote in:
I am currently comming out of a 7 year marriage, were the decision to end it was a mutual decision. We both have just come to the conclusion that we are not right for each other. Yet at the same time I can’t seem to get over things with her. We have not even signed the papers yet she is allready dating one of her friends. I don’t want her back, but I can’t seem to let go of the idea that she is dating someone else so soon and a friend of ours on top of that. Well ex friend for me now.
Hi Joe,
You’ve put 7 years of your life into a relationship with this woman. A mutual decision to formally end your relationship doesn’t lessen the time invested nor make it easy to see her moving on so quickly! I can’t imagine the brackish rush of emotions you’re experiencing at any given moment. What I can do is offer you a few simple thoughts and put your question to some readers who have experienced a divorce (perhaps recently) and can offer you some personal encouragement!
First, you’re in a time of great transition. Don’t expect to find a happiness solution overnight or grow despondent because you occasional grovel in despair or self-loathing. You’re most likely experiencing a lot of different emotions. Go ahead and feel them. Experience them. Then set them aside.
How can you do that? The best way to push away your unhappiness and confusion is to help others bring sense to their own lives. Volunteer for a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. If you live in the city and know people who struggle to make ends meet, spend some time helping them! In helping others, it’s often that we discover the simplest way to help ourselves. It also seems to put things in better perspective when we are in close proximity to the suffering and strength of others. Get close to people who are struggling and work to help them.
At minimum, you’ll have less time to sit home and watch TV with your thoughts!
I could go on but I think I’ve given you a good starting point. I’d also like to let the readers sound in with their advice and support for you. Sound good? I hope so!
Reader, what advice do you have for Joe? I’m sending him an email shortly se he knows to swing by to read your answers. Thank you!
Note: Comment moderation is turned on. Once you’ve had a comment approved, subsequent comments will show up immediately. I apologize for the inconvenience and thank you again for your input!
Joe,
Any extended relationship that part ways, is painful. Particularly one that you put so much trust, effort, and hopes. Splitting up sucks.
Something you’re not seeing however. Your ex is going through just as much emotional turmoil about it. Superficially it’s not apparent to you, but it’s very much so. There’s a difference however with how she is handling it, and how you are handling it.
She’s throwing herself into the next relationship, as a distraction from the one you guys had. It’s her way of coping with the problem.
It’s not cool that she’s doing this with someone you both know but that’s how women generally operate. They don’t let go of the first guy, until they are firmly situated with the next, and usually that means someone that’s been around, but circumstances never really materialized for her to pursue it.
Why? Because it’s a tough world for women. At least she knows of this other guy, and not some crazy stranger. That’s how she rationalizes it. And that doesn’t mean that her issues disappeared. Nope. They’re now your bum of a friend’s issues.
The only page out of her book you should take with you… is guess what? Get busy living. I’m not saying get involved in the next relationship (oh hell no!) Nor should you go and get in bed with one of her friends. No, just move on. Get back into dating mode. Go out. Meet women. Start dating. Join groups, attend events, take a class. Get busy with the next part of your life. You have your freedom back! What are you going to do about it?!
Think about that question and then get busy doing it.
Deline
It’s not popular. But most experts recommend waiting at least a year before beginning to date. I did. But I didn’t wait until the papers were signed. Our mutual permanent separation and divorce was a 22-month process. I began dating at 13 months. Emotionally, I was ready. I had continued counseling, gone to divorce groups, did my healing work, avoided anything that could lead me into a relationship up until that point. The problem is that you do not know when a casual dating will lead to something more. I found myself six months into a relationship when the divorce was final. I didn’t know that I’d still want and need to heal some more. Painful to both of us, I ended the relationship. We did get back together six months later. But I could have saved us some pain if I’d just waited until the divorce is final. Time passes quickly. You’ll live. Any break up is a gift of time to heal and work on yourself. Relationships happening within that first year are often bandaids. I strongly believe, and from personal experience, you cannot be clear, level-headed and self-protective and nurturing and discerning while you are still healing.
I know. I know. My divorce was 10 years in the making. I had healed in many ways. I had an amicable divorce. But divorce is divorce. The impact CANNOT be minimized. I don’t care how much you hate your “ex” and wanted to get out and are happy about it. One counselor said to me he believes that that high divorce rate for second marriages are because of the marriages that happen within the first year of a divorce. And I met people and still do like that repeatedly. Rebound marriages equal disaster. So don’t go near the fire!
Now, I’ve diatribed on your wife’s choices. Here’s what I say to you. Even though on good terms with my former husband, even though I was healing, etc., it was still difficult to hear he had begun dating. My first thought was panic and that one of those women would be my daughter’s stepmother. And then, I took a deep breath and reminded myself not to live in the future within my head and that I could not control his choices. I could only be responsible for my own and for my own thoughts. And thoughts are powerful. They can be toxic and fear-mongering or reminders that you live in a beautiful world and have a lot to be grateful for and can take care of you. Good luck. Pssst: You will survive. Keep healing. And don’t leap into a relationship for a while! Okay? Time passes quickly. It’s been six years for me and I’m getting married next summer.
There are surely things you had to give up (partly) for relationship. It might be time to remember these, as you got a lot of most valuable resource back – your time. Now you have to choose where to invest it again. The worst decision is to mourn and invest it into relationship that is not exiting anymore.
Go out with your buddies. Not for picking up girls only, but just for fun. Hit gym or start doing some other activities that exhaust physically. Find a way to spend your time creatively, like remembering hobbies you had before you got married, or trying out new ones. There are a lot things to do. And these will keep you busy from hard thoughts.
It wont be easy. But after a while the sun will start to shine again.
I have just gotten out of a 14 year relationship, 3 young kids all under 12. Our relationship ended as we grew apart over the years and we both agreed mutually to end our marriage and try to move ahead amicably.
Yes, all in a perfect world:) I heard that within months of seperating and me moving out, she was already having casual sex with some stranger.
Wow! that made me very mad, I thought that it was one of my old good friends that my ex- had a crush on? I was angry, mad and it just kept building inside me. Even though we had agreed and I was fine with it, it was just the thought that was really hitting close to my heart and to imagine my BUDDY! Wow! I had some incredible training sessions.
I finally ran into my friend and confronted him about it and he told me that she had called him to tell him we had broken up, but he did not persue here due to our friendship. He gained all my respect that day and I am glad I spoke with him instead of alienating him. I know how you must have felt:(
Fortunately I am very active and I have been focusing on #1, ME by training for my Xterra Race, swimming, road & mountain biking, running, surfing and now Stand Up Paddle Boarding. Nothing like being 1 mile Off-shore and paddling down wind several miles, you have no time to think about anything negative, you just don’t want to fall into the Ocean.
No one knows you are out there:(
My cycling has improved tremendously and I am heading to one of my fastest races this year.
Be social, go out to Happy Hours? don’t get intoxicated, real women don’t like drunks(?). Go to Concerts? Games? Hiking? Beaches?
Don’t sit at home and drink alcohol, it is very depressing:( drink outside the house.
“THIS TOO WILL PASS”…..it just take time for the heart to heal. If you have children, they will LOVE YOU no matter what.
NUMBER #1 RULE: TAKE CARE OF #1(YOURSELF),otherwise if you can’t how can you attract anyone else:(
All the Best! Hand tough! Take your time:)
Aloha!
Benjamin
Regardless of how amicable a divorce there is (usually) going to be grieving. Grief for the life you thought you were going to have, the missed opportunities together, the fact that the person who was closest to you is now become something other. May I suggest that the part of you grieving is upset because your ex-partner shows no signs of doing the same? It’s hurtful to conclude that the relationship may not have meant the same thing to the ex as to you; you may well feel betrayed in a way you didn’t expect. Focus on you, what you want from life and the next person you may share that life with. Take your time and realize that everything you feel is “normal.”
My husband & I have been separated since Fed 19. I am the one that initially filed for divorce. We have been together for 17 yrs. with 2 kids 6 & 9. We are both 37. We have already signed the divorce papers and waiting on them to be final. In april, I started having second thoughts and wanted to reunite. I found out that he was seeing someone that is 15 yrs younger with him. My request to him that he please not bring her around our kids until all of this was final & when he does to bring her in slowly. Not only did he NOT listen, the first day they met her she spent the night over there. The next weekend she spent the entire weekend and this time, she slept in the bed with my husband!! I do not wish to raise my kids like this. I am in the process of amending my divorce papers so that members of opposite sex can’t sleep in home while children are present. I have now found out that they are moving in together!! Will they be able to do that if I have that in the divorce papers? does anyone know??
I am so distraught that he would do this. He has only known this girl for a month, and we’ve been together for 17 yrs!!! Our life together was not that bad. Some marriage counseling would really benefit us, but he refuses!!!!!
any suggestions anyone?????
Sonja: Its time to move on. I know 17 years is a long time, but you chose this path, and you have to remember that sometime soon, you will move on and date, perhaps even love again. You cannot deny your ex the right to make his own choices. I went through a veeery eerily similar situation years ago, and I, too, tried to control it. Its his time with the kids now, and he will spend it with the kids AND her if thats what he chooses. Sadly, you cant say NO. Let go, move on. Hope that the new she-devil will treat your kids well. IF not, and only if NOT, should you try to stand in the way. its not your place anymore. Sad, but true! Go on, now…learn to be happy!! Its fun!
Divorce is always a bad news among married couples. Some couples just cannot iron out their differences.-,’
Divorce will always lead to depression and anger towards the other party. As much as possible avoid divorce;:,