Have you ever been verbally dressed-down for the way you communicate in a relationship?
She looked me right in the eyes and said,
“Seth, you’re smart, brilliant even. But most of the time you’re not here. You listen, you process, but you’re not here. You have all these projects and things you keep streaming through your mind that I sometimes doubt if I’m even breaking into the top ten. When do I get a moment of just you? When will you read between the lines of what I’m saying like you do with everybody else?”
She wasn’t screaming or even raising her voice. She gave examples of past situations that backed up her point.
“I don’t know what it all means or what you can do. I just wanted you to know how I feel.” She finished.
I felt like a man, facing a table covered with his own internal organs, wondering what to put back first and where. I promised to have something coherent to say in an hour and headed to the gym.
I come up with my best ideas and most efficient solutions during or just after a hard workout. If you happened to be enjoying a late-night workout at the Dover, NH, Planet Fitness, and wondered what the tall blonde dude was doing running on a treadmill with tears in his eyes, now you know. Nothing came to me that night, though. Just a few words I wrote on a scrap of paper and lodged into a corner of the bathroom mirror as I left early the next morning.
“Will you help me listen?”
Think back to some recent interactions you’ve had with the people you really care about;
- When you ask “how are you”, are you truly ready to listen and continue the conversation or are you simply asking to get a formality out of the way? If you’re not interested or you don’t have time, don’t ask the question.
- When you listen, are you making an effort to read between the lines of what is being said? If she says “wow, my ex is such a bastard” do you catch that she probably doesn’t want to actually talk about her ex but would really appreciate some affirmation? When she says “the kids were really crabby all day” do you catch that she’s actually saying “wow, it’d be really awesome if you washed the dishes”? As you make a habit of being present in conversations, reading between the lines will get easier. You’ll know when she actually wants you to talk about the ex or put the kids up for adoption.
- Are you empathetic? Amazingly enough, this doesn’t mean you burst into tears whenever anybody is having a bad day. Having empathy means that you celebrate the triumphs and mourn the failures of another as much as you would your own. When she makes an absolute fool of herself at the kareoke bar, celebrate the nerve it took for her to sing in public. When she makes an effort to reach out to you, do you value the effort and ignore the bits she might have done differently?
Being present is something I have to work at every day. I don’t think it will be something I can ever look at and say “wow, I’m absolutely an expert at that”. It’s a process that develops over time and changes with each new person who walks into my life. It’s an adventure. I stumble a bit at times, but I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by very patient people. Everybody tends to be a bit more patient when they know you’re trying your hardest to make things work.
Perhaps that’s the trick to it all?
The following evening I walked into the bathroom to wash my hands before dinner. The note was still there, with an addition:
“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I will.”
Can you beat that?
Seth
I’d be very interested in any suggestions you might have as to tricks you’ve discovered that allow you to improve your ability to be present in relationships. Leave a comment with your hot tip! =)
photo credit: kalandrakas
Really great post Seth.
Working from home I benefit from my ability to tune everything out so I can work no matter what mayhem is going on around me. But it can be really hard for me to turn my attention back to my family and it makes them crazy sometimes and rightfully so. I am grateful that they put up with me and find creative and amusing ways to shift my focus to them. My 8 yr old has resorted to closing the top of my laptop, putting her hands on my checks and literally turning my head to face her and placing sticky notes on my forehead. But she only started doing that after we had a chat and she got clear I was not trying to ignore her and asked for her help.
With the people we care about most we can be the least present. As you did Seth asking for support can really help, but make sure you really mean it before you ask.
And it helps to be reminded by people like you Seth so thank you.
Susan: I’m not sure how I’d respond to sticky notes on my forehead…but you’re right. It does take creativity and patience to make real communication sustainable and enjoyable.
Your 8year-old sounds like a riot! =)
Seth
be present. you hit the nail on the head. it is an evergreen activity. some moments are more clear and vivid and others foggy and blurred. that is the practice – to be present in every moment. any relationship, particularly a romantic, intimate one – requires balance – an energy for both involved to be present together. that is rare.
for 15 years i was a professional musician. bands – a ‘marriage’ of unique personalities. a member of groups small & large playing all genres of music. I can count on 2 hands the number of times all the members of the band were ‘present’ – playing melodically and rhythmically in lock step. Why so few times?
why is that important?
why this example?
the most enduring & successful bands understood that at best most songs, most nights were a compromise.
The most enduring personal relationships, i believe require the same understanding. some moments i will be present and some moments she will not be present.
my approach is simple…can i accept, can i live with, can i love that person – my sweetie – when they are not present and when she demands that i be.
be well.
enjoy the ride.
appreciate the moments.
love…with every moment you have
Steve: Thank you for sharing so eloquently. Being able to give when there’s a visible imbalance is a sign of true commitment. Thanks for helping us to listen more fully and with less worry about returns!
Seth
I went through this with my girlfriend of six years (long distance relationship). Our case was Warcraft + her on the phone. Raid leader vs the love of my life. She won!
I had to pay attention, my trick (since she was in Boston and I in Austin) was just taking notes. Writing down key notes. Take mental note of the subjects she talks about.
I even went as far as to think about questions on those subjects. Since I spend all day on Twitter and other websites, I run across different articles that she’d be interested in. It’s impressive what kind of potential an article that she’s really interested in makes.
Me: I read on CNN about how Jenny McCarthy says she cured her kid’s autism with a strict diet. What do you think about that?
Her: A long in-depth explanation of autism and her views on it.
I learned a lot about what she thinks by simply asking on the topics she holds dear to her.
Great post.. very refreshing to read posts wherein it truly involves ones life not just html, social network and even techie gadgets..
We get so involved sometimes with work that yeah we may be present but really not there. made me think and yeah it is important to not just be physically present when we are with our love ones, they do need all of our attention. In this very busy age, we cannot always give an excuse that we have so much on our minds.. Why do we work so hard? It’s also because of the special people in our lives…
Wouldn’t it be great if they would one day remember us as people who not just provided for them but also people who really loved and cared for them.. thanks for pointing this out.. It is a very good reminder! Cool post!
Junior: Warcraft…hehe. Okay, we can still be friends. =) I had one who loved to enlist me to help her write papers for her grad school classes. It’s amazing what you learn when you make an effort to be in tune with another’s passions. Like you did with your girlfriend (still working out?). I learned more about occupational therapy than I ever would have imagined!
Misty: Thank you for your kind words. It is indeed a struggle to find a balance between the busyness and the quiet that’s needed to really connect with somebody. As Steve said so well, it won’t happen all the time but when it does, the effort becomes obvious in its worth.
Best to you!
Seth
amazing post.
and something with which I struggle daily being a full time writer and full time babymama.
hence the BE PRESENT tank I wear in the majority of my videos.
a reminder to my viewers, sure, but more to ME.
Growing up, I was always a fan of actions speaking louder than words. As I went from relationship to relationship, I realized that success is being able to do both.
Being there when they need you is one thing. Combine that with being able to make the connection with them in that time of need through actions and words can make you “actively present.”
It reminds me of school. How many times have we showed up to class and was never really in class? Then how many times have we showed up to class and was so active, that the teacher had to acknowledge that?
Being actively present is what is going to enhance your relationship. If there is any example that some women will use, it’ll be V-Day coming up.
Miz: I’m finding that it’s fine to struggle…that it’s normal to do so. I ran into problems when I ceased to struggle.
Remind me to get my hands on a shirt like that if I ever do videos! =)
Thomas: Yes. Sometimes you really do need to say “hey, look, this is what I’m doing” in order for it to be truly seen. It’s so easy to get busy and let all the things slide that initially made a relationship so valuable and fun in the first place.
Thanks!
Seth
My boyfriend and I struggle a lot with this since we both work for start-up companies and are incredibly busy. We have so much going on that it’s hard to be present fully sometimes. Thanks for the reminder!
What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing this, Seth. Being present is such an important part of relating to others – and we sometimes find it so hard with those we love the most.
Wish I had some great insights, but not really. I do think that what you did is the most important thing, though – acknowledging that it was difficult, making it clear you were trying, and asking for help. Sometimes, that’s all the other person really needs: to know that you care enough to try. You don’t have to be perfect, just earnest and sincere.
V.
Rebecca: Thanks! How is the ping pong table turning out at work? =)
Valerie: Thanks so much for your kind words! Yes, as I mentioned, people are typically pretty tolerant when they know you’re trying your hardest.
Best to you!
Yes, great post! Thank you. Beautiful.
I’m with Susan M. here: I feel like being present is one of my strengths… yet it’s challenging with my eight-year-old, too.
I also work from home — and my kid has done exactly what hers does. My kid is also very good at asking for what she needs: “Mommy, please get off of your computer and pay attention to me!”
I’ve incorporated “special time” when she gets home from school, or at bedtime (which I learned from Hand in Hand Parenting).
All it takes is 10 minutes: drop everything. Let your child lead. You follow. I’m sure it works wonders with grown-ups, too!
Seth,
The questions you ask are good for everybody to think about in their personal and business lives.
Susan
Great article, actually I have a comment regarding this statement you made.
“When you ask “how are you”, are you truly ready to listen and continue the conversation”
I work in a call centre and i find it odd that when someone calls, they ask you how are you and don’t even wait for you to answer, they just go straight into their question or whatever.
It shows just how people rush through their life and get no where.
Very engaging story. Very well written. It takes a lot to “more than listen”, to engage, to draw out, to support, to encourage, to make the other person feel comfortable and heard, to “be there for someone”. Feel free to read my post on listening (I used to be a crisis center volunteer):
http://blog.marcwong.me/2009/01/art-of-listening.html
SMS: So it works in dealing with children and working at home…how have things gone in your adult-to-adult relationships?
Susan: Thanks! I’m finding a lot of crossover as well.
Tom: Precisely. That’s a great example of how accustomed we’ve come to using “how are you” as a generic greeting. Either we need to stop using it as the generic greeting or find other ways to discover how a person is doing/feeling. I think the latter will be more easily put into place.
Best!
Seth
Hi Seth, I read your blog with great interest. Though the months I have been reading your blogs, it seems to me you have inch by inch become an even better writer…Not that you weren’t good in the beginning of my reading journey with you…You were great. It just seems you are more able to reach deep within yourself and nicely pour out your guts all over a blog page and still maintain your dignified way.
I frequently Tweet about “Just Being” and also “Being in the now!” These two mind sets are so very difficult to do. Being in the NOW and Just allowing yourself to BE…Almost automatically puts you in the “Listening Zone.” People have all kinds of reasons why they do not or cannot listen to what other people are saying…Boredom, intimacy issues, stress, weariness, life issues, financial problems, health problems, the list goes on and on.
When I have trouble listening is when I am bored with the conversation or when I am feeling defensive…My mind is a million miles away thinking about anything else rather then what I feel I do not care to hear anyway. I also fade out as a defense to true intimacy and not the physical kind. Sometimes I am a bit afraid to let a man into my most secret thoughts so I push him away by not being in tune to what he is trying so hard to convey to me. Sometimes it is because I am in the wrong relationship but o not want to admit it, so my mind plays these little Twilight zone cat and mouse games with the one I am with.
It is a perplexing dance we humans do with one another….Sometimes we do not get it right, we have to keep trying until we finally learn each other’s dance steps. When we do get it right, the conversation flows, both are in total sync, both are in the NOW….It is …..Heaven.
Have realized that in the past few months I have gotten much better at listening, but the listening is just not an audio experience, somehow my mind computes the body language, the tone of voice, the look in his eyes, his touch, our past history and so many other variables. My friend says I just plug my umbilical cord into him for a bit and somehow we become Symbiotic for just a few moments in time,
I so admire you in many ways Seth….I admire that you admit when you are wrong, when you are struggling and when you are happy too. I admire that you are always looking for ways to improve, learn and make yourself a better person, a better man, better writer, ok better listener and just a better citizen of the universe.
Thanks for sharing so much of yourself in your blogs…You are so truly talented and blessed!
Sasha: Thank you for your kind words and all the support you’ve given during the time we’ve had together in this journey.
“symbiotic” is such a great way to describe the feeling. It may not happen often in a relationship but the effort improves the journey.
You’re right, Sasha. I AM blessed. Blessed by beautiful people who reach out and listen and remind me to keep pushing to be better in so many ways.
Thank you! =)
Good questions Seth, no, great questions!
As a common hello, we use how are you. I have come to mean this or I won’t ask.
I’m not good at reading between the lines, but I do try as there is usually something there.
Empathy. I actually have a problem with this. I actually do feel when others are in pain, especially in the soul. I don’t like it one bit, but try to use it to help if I can.
Listening. If someone is taking the time to tell you something, most times there is a reason. It may not seem important to you at the time, but they should be the judge of that importance, not us.
Still, very good food for thought here
I think it can go both ways – that being present while listening is something a woman might struggle with too. I know that’s my case sometimes. My boyfriend and I are both really busy and sometimes when I ask him how was your day I just do it because I know it’s something I should do but I’m really not prepared to ‘listen’ if he actually wants to tell me how his day was. Sometimes I couldn’t even tell you what he had been talking to me about because I wasn’t present! I’m working on it! Awesome post by the way
Bobby: truly feeling empathy is a gift! I’m sure you do find ways to use your gift for good and that you’re really appreciated by the people around you. I know I appreciate your input!
Tishia: My intention was not to present it as a “guys have this problem” type of scenario. Being present is something everybody struggles with regardless of their gender or orientation. I’m really glad you’ve made a commitment to being more present in your relationship. Being busy can feel good, but its those moments of honest connection that really make life a joy.
Best to you!
Seth
Wow – I find great irony in the fact that just yesterday evening my wife and I were having a conversation about talking to and listening to, rather than talking at and tuning out.
Great post – Very affirming. Thanks!
Jim: Only a bit ironic. I think it’s something people who are really working to build a relationship discuss more often than not.
I’m delighted that it rang true with you. Props for being proactive in your communications!
It’s excruciating to be left with no exits. You are forced to turn back in and face the monster — or the saint who just told you the truth. Honest, heartening post, Seth.
There’s are two amazing women in your area who wrote a book called “Interviewing in Action.” Although it’s made for the Human Services, it is an amazing book on listening. They describe empathy as seeing someone’s life “not from the other person’s shoes as you would see it, but from their shoes as they see it.” This is much harder to do. I empathize with you about having so many ideas; I too have to make extra special efforts to sit down and listen to my loved ones without distraction. It also helps that I’m a credentialed mediator–but not always. However, you have so much insight into people, Seth, that there’s no doubt you are listening to the world with your heart–it’s just a matter of scale
z
Thanks for such an insightful post, Seth!
There really is something to be felt when you are certain that one is listening to you…a rarity these days as you and many have already pointed out.
Not placing the entire blame on technology but I feel that it’s one of the reasons that we no longer communicate face to face let alone listen…email, text msgs., tweeting…have all but manipulated our time and ability to listen to one another.
One friend was expressing his frustration when his girlfriend emailed him about dinner plans while she was in the next room. And another friend casually mentioned how he’d almost forgotten how to write in cursive while debating whether he should actually write and send a card…
I think we could all use your post as a wonderful reminder…
“If only we could listen fast and well
~Henie~
like our fingers typing…”
Thanks again, Seth, and best always!
Wow, I think you nailed this issue from the guy side: “Being present is something I have to work at every day.” I think so many men are right there with you.
I think this shows up in communication between men and women a lot. One thing my husband and I recently discussed was this reality: Women connect emotionally though language. We talk to relate, to understand a situation or ourselves, just to connect. Men, however, use language to share information. It’s typically not an emotional process for them. They will spend more time thinking, processing, and then give their answer. This is just a difference between how men and women relate. Women’s conversations are like spider webs. Men’s conversations are usually linear.
This has interesting implications, like when I talk to my husband (usually going through at least five points before I arrive at my main issue), and then I ask a question, and then he sits there. I too feel he is not “present” in the conversation. It makes me feel like he is not connecting to me. He’s not relating to me. It escalates. I think he is Ignoring Me.
But often, he’s actually just thinking. Processing. And then I start bugging him. Did you hear me? Well, what do you think? Etc. Because for me, if I wanted to answer a question of his, I would just start talking to figure out my answer. That’s not the way he works.
So we decided this week to try something. When I bring up a conversation, and ask him something, instead of me bugging him for an answer or begging him to be “present” in the conversation (which distracts his thinking process), he will respond to me verbally – “let me think about that” – so I know I was heard and that he will get back to me.
It’s worked like a charm so far!
But I think the most important thing about all this is communication. Talking about your perspectives and working on how to work things out for yourselves- that’s a maturity that will be so amazing for any relationship.
@Richard: Thank you. In this case, it wasn’t a monster. She was simply brave enough to point out something she saw as a weakness in our relationship.
@Zachariah: I would never want to have fewer ideas or less creativity as I don’t think a reduction in either would cause me to immediately be more present in my relationships. In a way, it’s as if I’m developing the ability to take all of the busyness in my life and set it aside to make room for communication that is effective on multiple levels. It’s not easy. I mess up often. But I’m learning and it’s worth it! =)
Henie: You’re right! It’s important to not allow a medium to take over the value of the conversations it’s meant to enable. That said, I have no problem with getting an email from the next room. Especially if I’m in the middle of a project, I appreciate that the email allows me to remain mostly “in my zone” while a face-to-face conversation about eating dinner would probably throw me out of focus.
@Tiffany: I’d bet you even told him to say “let me think about that”. =)It’s very tempting, when one hears a generalization that happens to apply to a significant other, to begin using that same generalization when talking about gender differences. I’m more of a “spiderweb” thinker when it comes to conversations and I know a lot of women who are incredibly linear in their thought processes.
I think we set ourselves up for failure by making two boxes and putting males in one and females in the other. If we try looking at each human on an individual basis, its quite possible that we’ll discover commonalities that would never have been revealed otherwise. You might even discover that your husband has some “spiderweb” thoughts of his own! =)
Being present in mind, body and spirit differs from being physically present in a particular geographic place. You may reminisce of student days in class. Teacher call on peers to answer questions and the student’s mind seemed elsewhere. As a person raises self-awareness, he smells the nature of something other people miss. The senses attune to subtle nuances and your focus changes. You rediscover what being rpesent means. The truth must be felt.
Thanks for your contribution to the 177th Carnival of Healing. There are some great comments accumulating on the original post & you may want to take a gander.
@Liara
Perfectly said!
@Pamir
I’ll be sure to check it out, thanks!
That is so true. I use it every day in both my personal life and my professional life. It helps open up my employees and creates a base for any relationship. Everyone wants to be listened to and not just heard. Listening is intentional.