How often to do you turn down a potential relationship because the person in question isn’t your “type”?
I recently attended a party at a good friend’s house. I was in a rotten mood and had tried to call out but he had insisted. “C’mon, Seth! Just get here. You’ll have fun!”
I did my best to participate and keep things upbeat, but I was obviously not in my best party form.
Then something happened that landed this particular party in front of you. 1am had just rolled in and I was sitting on a deeply-padded leather couch in the upstairs living room, drinking wine from the biggest glass I’ve ever seen (If you have a friend who breaks out expensive bottles of wine to cheer you up, I suggest you hold that friend close).
Everything was fine until a lovely woman in her late 20’s who I’ll call Dory (If you’re a fan of Finding Nemo, you’ll get the reference) plopped down on the couch beside me to start a conversation about our mutual love of Fall Out Boy. But I don’t listen to Fall Out Boy. I only know of the band from shopping mall soundsystems and previous conversations with people like Dory.
I was feeling pretty mellow and quietly listened to Dory talk until one of her sentences popped my mental swimmies and pushed me to the bottom of her verbal pool: “Oh, wow, Seth! We have so much in common! I bet we even eat the same brand of hot dogs!” She said with a smile.
I wanted to bite her head off but I took a moment first to try to see what she was seeing. As far as I could tell, she saw a young guy wearing a hoodie sitting on a couch away from the party.
Her most obvious association was screamo music and Fall Out Boy because that is what the guys she knows who sit in dark corners wearing hoodies enjoy. She’d done what so many dating experts recommend to singles who struggle to meet new people: She’d taken the initiative, found common ground, and started a conversation.
But she’d missed out on the $100 bottle of red wine, the dress shirt underneath the hoodie, and the eight people who had checked in with me just to say “hi” during our conversation.
I wanted to tell Dory that she’d found the wrong guy and that she was wasting her time, but I couldn’t. I was too inspired by her insistence that we liked the same kind of hot dog.
“Dory, I don’t really like Fall Out Boy and I’m typically much more outgoing than I’m being right now. But I think I know somebody you’d really hit it off with.” I said with my best smile, hoping she’d be cool with it.
“Oh, really? Can you introduce us? I’m sorry if I was being boring!” She said with the same earnest voice she’d used on the hot dogs.
I introduced Dory to Robert. We found him in the kitchen, wearing skinny jeans and pushing his emo bangs away from his face as he sliced limes. They hit it off immediately and my party attitude was revived.
What’s the point? Dory took the worst angle possible in trying to chat me up but she was successful in the greater scheme because she was friendly and upbeat about our lack of shared interests. If you make an effort to make friends instead of weeding through potential bedmates, you’ll discover that many “mis-matches” probably have a friend who will rock your world.
Just something to think about.
Original photo credits: hyku, karpov twt, KR.b
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I am kinda new to your sight, and female but I see a lot of wisdom in your words. I am a single mother who has been in the dating game- sorta for the past 11 yrs. I will be back
Hi Shani,
Welcome! You might enjoy http://www.mssinglemama.com as well. Alaina does a great job over there and you might be able to give her some hints from all your experience as a single mom in the dating world.
All the best!
Seth
It’s always worth striking up a conversation and seeing where it leads, you never know who you’ll meet.
Having a hard time picturing you down. You always seem so upbeat and positive. Even here I was not surprised you turned this into a positive for Dory and for Robert.
Admittedly, I’ve never met you in person…but I have a hard time believing your online persona is different from you. Just a gut feeling.
Hi Tina!
Yes, it’s true. But a lot of people seem so intent on picking somebody to sleep with that they forget all the other joys that come with knowing interesting and fun people!
@Jim
We all have our bad days! I do my best to keep them to myself. There is little room online for bad moods and rotten attitudes, you know?
The wine was amazing and I was feeling much better after some quality time just relaxing and chatting with a few friends who tracked me down. Sometimes it’s good to take the lower-impact version of a party in, you know?
Don’t worry, Jim, I’m just as nutty in real life. =)
Didn’t really catch all that much snarkiness…Thought you were being realistic. There is nothing worse than going to a party or some other social function when your heart is not into it. Have spent many of night sitting in the ladies room because I did not want men hitting on me. (Why go? Peer Pressure.)
Have to hand it to Dory though. She tried. I don’t think trying to find common ground is a waste of time though. Just because it is not a love match does not mean you can’t have a good time sharing ideas and experiences.
@Sasha
I’d agreed to go to the party long before it happened. Not peer pressure like back in high school. This was a matter of going because I needed to.
Oh, yes, I definitely agree that Dory did the right thing in seeking out people to talk to. Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough in my support for what she did.
=)
I really believe that there are no accidents…perhaps this happened the way it did because you were meant to be the conduit for Dory and Robert. I’m curious to find out what happens with their “hook-up?” Did it develope further?
Somehow, I can’t picture you sitting away from the bustle of a party, Seth, but then again a $100 bottle of wine to savor could change things quite a bit! :~)
Thank you for an enjoyable post as always! :~)
Seth, this is golden. I usually tell my guys that if you notice someone you’re talking to and she isn’t interested, it’s cool. Make friends and build your social circle – you’re talking to her because you think she’s cool, if she is, keep her as a friend. If you’re authentic and seem like a good guy, she’ll introduce you to her friends – one of whom could be the love of your life.
You never know and that’s the beauty of it all.
Henie: You are right! The wine made things quite a bit easier to handle, not because of the alcohol, but because I just really enjoyed it. We’ll have to wait and see with D&R, it’s only been a couple weeks. Glad to be a smile!
Thomas: Isn’t it just that beautiful? Sooo many women I talk to skim over guys based on whether/not they think the guy is worth sleeping with. Guys do the same thing, perhaps even more so. There’s so much more to be gained by searching for friends and welcoming the surprise of love when it pops up unannounced!
Great blog. I understand the issue of people being over-the-top annoying… you dealt with it very graciously, but everyone knows you just have to get rid of them somehow.
But what if it is not anything blantanly annoying… just random things that may have more to do with me than them? For example, if I’m on a first date/blind date and the guy is my height or shorter, I almost automatically rule him out. I’m being hoenst even though I know its superficial.
Considering behavior that is troubling or just not attractive, I recently went on a first date. I said I would like to “grab drinks” and he ended up taking me to a chain restaurant (there are a million options where I live). Fine… I was ready to just go along with it and see where the night would go. He nicely prompted me to order first… I got some draft beer and he proceeded to order some “hot tea.” It was akward… we were at a place that is famous for its beer (if not for being a chain restaurant). I was ready to leave, but then he suggested dinner. I ordered a chicken salad and he proceeded to order a “side salad.” For dinner. I am a great girl with a lot going for me, but I am seriously having to rethink my expectations because the dating scene is just really tough. The pieces just don’t fit together.
Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts. Keep blogging!
Teri, if you’re not having fun, excuse yourself and get the hell out of there!
You needn’t always think there’s something wrong with you…I recommend against it, in fact. If you can’t stand the idea of a guy not drinking beer and eating a chicken salad whenever you order one, then don’t date tea-drinking nibblers.
But if you automatically write people off because they don’t fit the list of what you desire for yourself, you miss out. There’s a good chance that tea-drinking nibbler dude has a beer-drinking chicken salad addict buddy that you missed out on.
Make friends first, lovers second. You’ll enjoy the ups more and survived the downs with better grace.
=)
Wow now i’ve seen the not so in the mood Seth. But I always feel that it is always better to become friends first and see shat happens. If it develops into a real relationship then well and good.. if not then its cool.
But mind you there can also be some repercussions. Like things become a bit awkward when friendship start to become romantic.. but as i always say, if you were meant to be more than friends it will happen naturally.
You know Seth, I think I would have reacted the same way you did if i were in that situation. Hate it when things are not natural and forced on you. Very cool post.. Can’t wait for the next : )
Well, at least you didn’t make her think of party sausages. XXOO
Misty: Sure, a friendship can turn into a romance…aren’t those the best kinds? Being afraid to “ruin” a friendship often destroys everything in the long run. I’ve messed that up terribly before…new post? Yes. On it’s way.
Susie: Party sausages? =P You never cease to bring a smile with your bright witticisms!
I confess: I rock out to Fall Out Boy and am neither emo or introverted, nor wear skinny jeans or eyeliner. Admittedly I am often seen in a Penny Arcade hoodie, but I also live in Seattle – the hoodie is part of our overall casual uniform.
I also enjoy red wine.
Great job listening to someone whom you didn’t think you had anything in common! Sometimes people can be wrong, tho – let’s not forget the adage about judging books by their covers.
Seth, you always make me smile. “Just keep swimming!”
@Uhura: I guess I wasn’t quite clear. I shared this story as an example of what it’s like to be on the receiving end of a friendly-flirty onslaught and how beneficial it can be if you respond well when turned down. Dory didn’t do a great job of reading me but when I let her know I wasn’t interested, she stayed positive and kept the conversation moving. It turned out I knew somebody who liked her very much. Ding, ding! Winner!
@Kelli THANK YOU for getting the movie reference. It’s nice to know I’m not entirely alone in thinking that was humorous. =)
I love that you used the word “interests.” When we overlook interests for positions (this girl is Emo, we have nothing to talk about), we often miss the opportunity to expand our network of friends, knowledge, and associations.
You continue to impress me Seth Simonds, your insight is both humble and profound. Please keep it up. Oh, and there can never be enough good wine….
z
I love this post Seth…friendship is infinitely valuable, and often overlooked in the rush of relationships.
Can’t wait to read what you write next.
Yep, good post. I believe the lady was secure enough with herself to accept that you may not be into her, but may have a friend that is. I’m not so sure that I would be that secure lol.
Oh, and I agree with Misty about the friends first point. I even posted a topic about it recently, “Why I don’t date.” I would love to get your opinion on this post Seth!
http://relationship-digest.com/2009/02/why-i-dont-date.html
@z You are right, sir! When there’s enough good wine, interests often turn into positions! (forgive me, I felt compelled)
@Michelle it’s up! =)