She will annoy you, irritate you, and possibly stir violence in your heart. At some point, you are going to wish her ill of all kinds. This does not mean anybody has done anything wrong. In fact, this is par for the course when it comes to love. 
In my college days, I dated Helen, a pre-med student with an angry streak. I had seen her angry while on the phone with her parents, but she’d never blown up at me. That changed one October afternoon. Helen had just mentioned her ex-boyfriend again. She was trying to convince me to skip some classes and drive to a club with her and some friends.
Bringing up her ex and his willingness to jump at her every wish wasn’t a good way of winning me over. I told her such and suddenly met the Helen I’d only wondered about before.
In one admirably smooth motion, she swung from the hip with her right fist. I caught it with one hand. She swung with her left and got the strike. I shouldn’t have tried to dodge her because it only served to put my nose in the way.
I looked at her, blood streaming down my face.
“Did you seriously think that was going to help?” I asked.
“I…I don’t know what I thought. I’m so sorry! Can…can I get you a cloth or some ice?” She stammered.
I was outraged. I wanted to commit unspeakable horrors against this angry 5’5″ fireball. Horrors including a speeding train, collapsing bridges, and a flying walrus.
At about the same time the bleeding stopped, I had gained some clarity concerning our relationship. I would have written Helen off for using physical violence except I’m a huge guy and had tried to stop her without setting down my sandwich. I now held the bread to my nose. I hadn’t planned on finishing it anyway.
Sounds adolescent and silly, right?
Yet many of the arguments we participate in as couples fall into the same category!
- We fight about money when the real issue is not how we feel about the bank balance but how we feel about each other.
- We fight about sex when the problems in the bedroom started with inattentiveness in the kitchen!
- We take small cues from our loved one to be big signals and overreact to complaints and criticism that come our way.
We fight for the win when a win on either side means a loss for the whole.
Helen and I were able to set our young relationship back on its feet because I didn’t take the bloody nose seriously and wanted to understand what drove her to the argument. Had I just written her off because of her crazed behavior, the relationship would have perished. (Knowing what I do now, I would have walked away. But that’s in the past.)
There is no reason to ever put up with physical violence or even threats of it in a relationship. If you cannot solve a problem in your relationship without resorting to violence, it’s time to go. That said, when it comes to arguing in a relationship, we often give up too easily!
I believe we should embrace arguments as a different and intense way of communicating blurred thoughts. Understand that many of the things your partner says in anger are new to their ears too. Comprehending this can make it easier to get past the momentary cruelties of an argument and focus on the greater intentions. To quote my friend Linnet Woods:
Usually, the thing that a person expresses as the reason they are angry is not the real reason at all. Fearing that the real reason would be too difficult to discuss, the person will express a lesser gripe.
The desire to defend oneself against a perceived attack can make one fail to listen and learn. It is not dangerous to let your partner speak his, or her, mind and let them see that you are giving what they have to say your consideration, accepting it as being no less valid than your own perception, however different.
Once it becomes apparent that you are really listening, it is difficult for a person to continue to shout because it isn’t necessary for them to do so. When they have finished speaking, a wise idea is to ask, very gently, if there is anything else that is bothering them. Very often, the thing that comes up next is what was actually causing them to be so distressed in the first place.
A typical example is fights over leaving the lavatory seat up, or down, or the lid off the toothpaste tube. Those rows aren’t about the subject being aired, they are about respect, consideration and other such issues but to broach those might open a can of worms so trivial things are picked instead.
Serious angry conversations should happen rarely if people are really interested in one another. When you live in confined quarters, constantly together, you need to be polite and appreciative of one another at all times and tolerant of each other’s foibles. [Linnet knows about this sort of thing. She's lived on a small boat with her husband for years!]
A really good relationship takes effort on both sides but, in time, less and less effort is required to bring out the best in each other and have a wonderful life.
Arguing isn’t easy and it’s rarely fun, but it’s possibly the most efficient way to clarify and improve a relationship. Don’t fear it!
Many of you already know this, but for you newbies: the person who can push your angry buttons the best will probably know the most about pushing your “other” buttons. There’s nothing boring or vanilla about make-up sex.
I’m not saying you should pick fights just so you can make-up…but it’s another reason to approach arguments with an eye for solutions! =)
As always, I truly welcome your thoughts!
Navigating Arguments: She Broke My Nose!
Photo credit: Steve Wampler
This post was first published on Dec 17, 2008. It has been updated & reformatted for your enjoyment.
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34 Comments
Some very wise and interesting words in this post. This is the first time i have been on your blog and it seems you are very popular, as evidenced by all the comments on your blog. You deserve it though! You’re a great writer and I enjoy reading your posts.
Keep it up!
Trudy: Thanks! Comments like yours offer a constant challenge to make the next post better and more interesting. Thank you for taking the time to check in and say hi!
Best to you!
Seth
“…when it comes to arguing in a relationship, we often give up too easily! I believe we should embrace arguments as a different and intense way of communicating blurred thoughts. Understand that many of the things your partner says in anger are new to their ears too. Comprehending this can make it easier to get past the momentary cruelties of an argument and focus on the greater intentions.
If your partner processes things best by screaming them, learn not to take offense at the volume and focus on the content. On the other hand, if you’re the silent type, you must work to put your issues on the table and keep communication lines open.”
Classic post, Seth. Well said.
SJA
RE: “learn not to take offense at the volume and focus on the content”
Any tips? I’m not in an abusive relationship, but I have been before and sometimes it’s very hard to separate shouting and close proximity pacing from a healthy argument.
To clarify, it’s easy to separate the two when it’s NOT personal. The majority of arguments fall into this category. Every now and then, though, an argument can cut to the heart!
When somebody knows you very well, it’s likely that they’ll have an entire list of things you could improve but, for whatever reason, have yet to change, no?
As such, it’s the remarks pertaining to that list that often strike the deepest. Especially when sarcasm is brought into the mix!
As Linnet says so well, you won’t find yourself shouting so often if you really care about the other person and recognize why you’re so angry. I’m not a screamer but I still have to pay very close attention to all the things influencing my attitude during an argument.
My retort to Helen was fueled not by irritation at her remark so much as I’d previously failed to budget my time well and had spent the last two days finishing an enormous project. I was tired, pissed at myself for letting the project slide until the last moment, and edgy from two days of caffeine. When she pushed me to go with her, the first degree honest answer would have been: “I really need to sleep. Can I go another time?” The second degree honest answer would have been: “I don’t enjoy hanging out with you when you’re drinking with friends. I’d rather not go.”
I skipped both answers and was a dick about it instead.
Now, if I’d set my sandwich down in time… all would have been well. =)
What’s the tip in all that? Make a point to separate the things that annoy you in an argument from the other things in your life that you find difficult at the moment. Otherwise your argument is an unfocused goose chase and it’ll take hours before somebody breaks down and admits to what they really need to talk about it.
Learning to cut to the chase is a long process. I’ve slowly gotten better at it but you’ll have to check in with me 15 years into a marriage and see if I still think it’s possible! =)
Thanks Sarah!