She will annoy you, irritate you, and possibly stir violence in your heart. At some point, you are going to wish her ill of all kinds. This does not mean anybody has done anything wrong. In fact, this is par for the course when it comes to love. 
In my college days, I dated Helen, a pre-med student with an angry streak. I had seen her angry while on the phone with her parents, but she’d never blown up at me. That changed one October afternoon. Helen had just mentioned her ex-boyfriend again. She was trying to convince me to skip some classes and drive to a club with her and some friends.
Bringing up her ex and his willingness to jump at her every wish wasn’t a good way of winning me over. I told her such and suddenly met the Helen I’d only wondered about before.
In one admirably smooth motion, she swung from the hip with her right fist. I caught it with one hand. She swung with her left and got the strike. I shouldn’t have tried to dodge her because it only served to put my nose in the way.
I looked at her, blood streaming down my face.
“Did you seriously think that was going to help?” I asked.
“I…I don’t know what I thought. I’m so sorry! Can…can I get you a cloth or some ice?” She stammered.
I was outraged. I wanted to commit unspeakable horrors against this angry 5′5″ fireball. Horrors including a speeding train, collapsing bridges, and a flying walrus.
At about the same time the bleeding stopped, I had gained some clarity concerning our relationship. I would have written Helen off for using physical violence except I’m a huge guy and had tried to stop her without setting down my sandwich. I now held the bread to my nose. I hadn’t planned on finishing it anyway.
Sounds adolescent and silly, right?
Yet many of the arguments we participate in as couples fall into the same category!
- We fight about money when the real issue is not how we feel about the bank balance but how we feel about each other.
- We fight about sex when the problems in the bedroom started with inattentiveness in the kitchen!
- We take small cues from our loved one to be big signals and overreact to complaints and criticism that come our way.
We fight for the win when a win on either side means a loss for the whole.
Helen and I were able to set our young relationship back on its feet because I didn’t take the bloody nose seriously and wanted to understand what drove her to the argument. Had I just written her off because of her crazed behavior, the relationship would have perished. (Knowing what I do now, I would have walked away. But that’s in the past.)
There is no reason to ever put up with physical violence or even threats of it in a relationship. If you cannot solve a problem in your relationship without resorting to violence, it’s time to go. That said, when it comes to arguing in a relationship, we often give up too easily!
I believe we should embrace arguments as a different and intense way of communicating blurred thoughts. Understand that many of the things your partner says in anger are new to their ears too. Comprehending this can make it easier to get past the momentary cruelties of an argument and focus on the greater intentions. To quote my friend Linnet Woods:
Usually, the thing that a person expresses as the reason they are angry is not the real reason at all. Fearing that the real reason would be too difficult to discuss, the person will express a lesser gripe.
The desire to defend oneself against a perceived attack can make one fail to listen and learn. It is not dangerous to let your partner speak his, or her, mind and let them see that you are giving what they have to say your consideration, accepting it as being no less valid than your own perception, however different.
Once it becomes apparent that you are really listening, it is difficult for a person to continue to shout because it isn’t necessary for them to do so. When they have finished speaking, a wise idea is to ask, very gently, if there is anything else that is bothering them. Very often, the thing that comes up next is what was actually causing them to be so distressed in the first place.
A typical example is fights over leaving the lavatory seat up, or down, or the lid off the toothpaste tube. Those rows aren’t about the subject being aired, they are about respect, consideration and other such issues but to broach those might open a can of worms so trivial things are picked instead.
Serious angry conversations should happen rarely if people are really interested in one another. When you live in confined quarters, constantly together, you need to be polite and appreciative of one another at all times and tolerant of each other’s foibles. [Linnet knows about this sort of thing. She's lived on a small boat with her husband for years!]
A really good relationship takes effort on both sides but, in time, less and less effort is required to bring out the best in each other and have a wonderful life.
Arguing isn’t easy and it’s rarely fun, but it’s possibly the most efficient way to clarify and improve a relationship. Don’t fear it!
Many of you already know this, but for you newbies: the person who can push your angry buttons the best will probably know the most about pushing your “other” buttons. There’s nothing boring or vanilla about make-up sex.
I’m not saying you should pick fights just so you can make-up…but it’s another reason to approach arguments with an eye for solutions! =)
As always, I truly welcome your thoughts!
Navigating Arguments: She Broke My Nose!
Photo credit: Steve Wampler
This post was first published on Dec 17, 2008. It has been updated & reformatted for your enjoyment.
No related posts.
Wow, I broken nose? Crazy!
Anywho, I understand completely here. My ex used to stand up on a chair and scream her lungs off. Through all of the offensive speak, I was able to hear some actually content and would respond accordingly.
There is nothing wrong with arguing, I think people have a problem with the frequency of arguing.
I personally think that if there isn’t arguing, you’re restricting your learning and chance for growth.
Thomas: But you listened! Most don’t even try to do that. I think if people argued more efficiently, they’d feel the need to argue less.
It’s when you feel like arguments don’t get you anywhere that the frequency really starts to rise!
I’m with you on conflict being a source of learning and growth.
Thanks for your thoughts, man!
Seth
Well said Seth! Anger is normal and common, and what you do with it is the sticky part. I wonder if Helen learned to direct her anger in a different way after that. (Your poor nose!)
My boyfriend and I have horrible tempers, so we’ve worked out a system where we go to separate rooms and don’t come out until we’re calm. Invariably after talking we discover it was a stupid misunderstanding and shortly after everything’s fine.
Hi Annie!
Yes, Helen got better at dealing with her anger. Quickly too. I shouldn’t have stuck around but I was younger and more foolish. I found ways to justify her behavior and thought I could help her change(sound like something you’ve heard from a bad relationship before?).
It’s great that you and your boyfriend have a system worked out that keeps your relationship #1! Way to go!
Best to you!
Seth
Wow! She came out swinging for reals! Yikes!
I like what you said about things being new to their ears as well – isn’t that the truth when you get really heated up and out pops something that you aren’t even sure you believe? I’ve had the embarrassment of having to sincerely apologize for that kind of thing in the past. *blushing*
After two volatile relationships in 23 years of dating, I’m a fan of discussions as opposed to arguments. By letting off the steam before it builds to a head, “fighting” seems to stay much more fair and above the belt. Its when you can’t communicate or vent that things get ugly… at least in my experience.
As usual, thanks for the entertaining AND thought-worthy post Seth.
No kidding! I’ve said things before and felt like they’d leaped out of my mouth on their own!
Usually, the thing that a person expresses as the reason they are angry is not the real reason at all. Fearing that the real reason would be too difficult to discuss, the person will express a lesser gripe.
The desire to defend oneself against a percieved attack can make one fail to listen and learn. It is not dangerous to let your partner speak his, or her, mind and let them see that you are giving what they have to say your consideration, accepting it as being no less valid than your own perception, however different.
Once it becomes apparent that you are really listening, it is difficult for a person to continue to shout because it isn’t necessary for them to do so. When they have finished speaking, a wise idea is to ask, very gently, if there is anything else that is bothering them. Very often, the thing that comes up next is what was actually causing them to be so distressed in the first place.
A typical example is fights over leaving the lavatory seat up, or down, or the lid off the ttothpaste tube. Those rows aren’t about the subject being aired, they are about respect, consideration and other such issues but to broach those might open a can of worms so trivial things are picked instead.
Serious angry conversations should happen rarely if people are really interested in one another. When you live in confined quarters, constantly together, you need to be polite and appreciative of one another at all times and tolerant of each other’s foibles.
A really good relationship takes effort on both sides but, in time, less and less effort is required to bring out the best in each other and have a wonderful life.
I feel the wiser for having read your response!
I’m glad we’re on the same page with seeing most arguments as starting over something unrelated to the genuine cause.
Approaching your partner with a mind for acceptance and an eye for understanding really is the way to go!
Thanks for your contributions.
Best to you!
Seth
Seth – good topic and honest inventory – Thank you. Linnet – how wisely and clearly you stated our reasons for shouting. I will see someone is not listening and I get louder and louder until they walk out of the room, leaving me fuming with the inability to communicate with them. Never once thinking about the way I’m communicating…ugh! I was once told that it is not that what I’m saying is wrong, it is the way I’m saying it. Next time there is a disagreement, I’m going to do the opposite of what I want to do, I’m going to try to remain calm and keep my voice quiet.
Thanks! Isn’t Linnet amazing? It does take two to argue but that doesn’t mean walking out on an argument will do anything but build resentment. If you’re yelling but what you’re saying is making sense, your partner seems to be using the volume as an excuse to get out of the conversation.
By no means am I saying that you should keep yelling! But it is important for those of us who tend to use tactics other than screaming to be patient with those who scream and continue our efforts to communicate clearly and openly!
I’m with you on working even harder to “remain calm and keep my voice quiet” during arguments. That’s a task!
I’m still trying to figure out why you’re single?
Mollie: Isn’t it obvious? I wasn’t bright enough to even try to defend myself with my sandwich. How is there any question? =)
“Arguing isn’t easy and it’s rarely fun, but it’s possibly the most efficient way to clarify and improve a relationship. Welcome it!”
On face value of the sentence, I disagree. I would insert Communication in place of arguing. Yes, arguing can be healthy, but I don’t believe it’s possibly the most efficient way to clarify and improve a relationship (not compared to communication in other forms).
I do agree arguing is a tool for release and discovery however.
Great post!
Bobby: If you’re going sentence-by-sentence, you missed a couple!
Communication comes in many shapes and forms. Argument is one of them. The release and discovery you mention as being results of argument are most certainly factors in great communication!
Welcoming argument as another chance to further your understanding of your partner will take you much further than writing off argument as a “non-communication.” To view arguments as useless and a waste of time will drive you to avoid them. What a quick way to kill a relationship!
Thanks for your comment!
Seth
Well, Helen is a little brat, isn’t she? Definitely deserves a flying walrus! Frankly, though, I don’t think it matters that you “are a big guy”, Helen was abusive, end of story. It’s flat out wrong to think it is okay for women to beat on men… that is the double standard of domestic violence, right?
But in matters that are not abusive, I totally agree with your post. Anger and a whole range of emotions are inevitable, and you are absolutely right that these things can not only be worked through, but can actually enhance a relationship.
I wonder if Helen has come across any such disasters in her following relationships.
Yes, Helen was a bit of a brat at first. At the time, I made excuses for her behavior and stayed in the relationship. As I say later in the post, had I been the person I am today and knowing what I do, I’d have walked away from Helen in an instant!
Good god, darling! Dating really is a contact sport for you, isn’t it?
The idea is for dating to be less of a contact sport. At least, the type of contact that leaves people bloodied and feeling abused!
I’m glad you considered this moment a time to get curious, not reactive.
“What was my partner’s reaction all about?” Asking that question can stop almost any fight in it’s tracks!
And yup, you are rarely arguing about what you think you are arguing about. Better to abandon that whole line of communication and dig deeper.
It’s only by discovering the real reasons underneath the argument that you’ll be able to address what’s really wrong and bring the relationship to the next level.
So I agree, an argument offers you an ace opportunity to build your bond a step closer, when you know how to make the most of it!
That said- that one moment was also a prime time to do what I call “train your partner.” By setting very clear limits and expectations the first time someone crosses the line, you teach them how to treat you with respect. And love can only thrive with respect. “Just so you know, it is never, ever ok with me to use physical violence when you are upset. For me that’s a deal breaker. How do you feel about it?” Then if they can’t or won’t abide, you have all the info you need about whether you should continue.
Since you said- if you knew what you know now, you would have walked away- I’m curious if this behavior was a red flag related to the eventual reason for the mismatch?
Helen’s violence wasn’t the reason for our eventual break-up as that instance was the only one of our relationship. What I’d say did us in was her constant need for attention and inability to trust me when I wasn’t in her personal space. On my side, I should have been more patient, communicated more clearly about my needs in the relationship, and set better boundaries from the start!
Heh I loved this one. I had an ex once that the only way we communicated was through arguments. He was a lot bigger then me and we would get into full wrestling matches at least once a day, until one of us was either bleeding or sure our arms were about to fall off. This however was one of my most honest relationships I ever had. I was able to express every emotion I had, not always in an appropriate way, but still the same was very honest with each other. I think that in order for a relationship to work you have to be able to be open with each other and not be afraid how the other may react.
Now, that relationship I was talking about did infact end, but not because of our fights, but because we had different goals in our lives.
I think it is very health in a relationship for each other to not be afraid to show true and raw emotion, now physical fighting may not be the best way though.
Thank you for the story Seth, it made me laugh
Bloody wrestling matches really aren’t my thing. I have a bit of trouble seeing how beating on each other contributed to the honesty of your relationship, but I believe you.
I’m glad you don’t seek physical fights out as a way to resolve conflicts anymore!
Hi Seth,
Nope, didn’t miss anything. I believe the meat of what you said was based from that sentence, hence, that’s why I copied it.
“Welcoming argument as another chance to further your understanding of your partner will take you much further than writing off argument as a “non-communication.” To view arguments as useless and a waste of time will drive you to avoid them. What a quick way to kill a relationship!”
I think we have a misunderstanding here. I never said, or alluded to arguing being, “non-communication” nor “useless or a waste of time.” Arguing, as I’ve stated, can indeed be a healthy part of of communication.
In a nutshell, I believe that arguing is a healthy part of communication in a relationship, but communication as a whole has the important emphases, not arguing.
I think overall we agree, just not about the emphases of communication
I’m with you on that, Bobby! Thanks for communicating!
Seth
“the person who can push your angry buttons the best will probably know the most about pushing your “other” buttons.”
Yeah, no kidding! I had a girlfriend who just loved to argue – all night, on more than one occasion. Whenever I’d suggest that we cool off, like @Annie and her BF did, she would just get angrier!
I’m glad I learned from that, as you probably learned from this; and I’ll never allow myself to be in a relationship like that again!
Hi! By “other” buttons, I was referring to the ones that boring couples only push in the bedroom. I get what you’re saying though. The people I know who have been willing to argue through the night, as previously stated, are often seeking something else out of the argument. Allowing arguments to take the place of other forms of communication is dangerous and cannot lead to good. I’m glad that you’ve found a more sustainable way to build your relationships!
On point…Thank you
This was a great post and it looks like everyone’s comments are really great too! I really enjoy reading your blog.
Discussions, arguments, and general communication—all things that help people grow in any type of relationship.
What’s important, is for both parties to feel like they can express their feelings to the one another and to be understood. If either person isn’t willing to listen and understand, that’s where frustration arises and things may get heated.
Such a good point! It’s so true that when you feel like your partner is trying to understand you and find progress in the argument you really can’t yell too much. Perhaps a little bit…but not too much! =)
Thanks for stopping by. Best to you!
Some very wise and interesting words in this post. This is the first time i have been on your blog and it seems you are very popular, as evidenced by all the comments on your blog. You deserve it though! You’re a great writer and I enjoy reading your posts.
Keep it up!
Trudy: Thanks! Comments like yours offer a constant challenge to make the next post better and more interesting. Thank you for taking the time to check in and say hi!
Best to you!
Seth
“…when it comes to arguing in a relationship, we often give up too easily! I believe we should embrace arguments as a different and intense way of communicating blurred thoughts. Understand that many of the things your partner says in anger are new to their ears too. Comprehending this can make it easier to get past the momentary cruelties of an argument and focus on the greater intentions.
If your partner processes things best by screaming them, learn not to take offense at the volume and focus on the content. On the other hand, if you’re the silent type, you must work to put your issues on the table and keep communication lines open.”
Classic post, Seth. Well said.
SJA
RE: “learn not to take offense at the volume and focus on the content”
Any tips? I’m not in an abusive relationship, but I have been before and sometimes it’s very hard to separate shouting and close proximity pacing from a healthy argument.
To clarify, it’s easy to separate the two when it’s NOT personal. The majority of arguments fall into this category. Every now and then, though, an argument can cut to the heart!
When somebody knows you very well, it’s likely that they’ll have an entire list of things you could improve but, for whatever reason, have yet to change, no?
As such, it’s the remarks pertaining to that list that often strike the deepest. Especially when sarcasm is brought into the mix!
As Linnet says so well, you won’t find yourself shouting so often if you really care about the other person and recognize why you’re so angry. I’m not a screamer but I still have to pay very close attention to all the things influencing my attitude during an argument.
My retort to Helen was fueled not by irritation at her remark so much as I’d previously failed to budget my time well and had spent the last two days finishing an enormous project. I was tired, pissed at myself for letting the project slide until the last moment, and edgy from two days of caffeine. When she pushed me to go with her, the first degree honest answer would have been: “I really need to sleep. Can I go another time?” The second degree honest answer would have been: “I don’t enjoy hanging out with you when you’re drinking with friends. I’d rather not go.”
I skipped both answers and was a dick about it instead.
Now, if I’d set my sandwich down in time… all would have been well. =)
What’s the tip in all that? Make a point to separate the things that annoy you in an argument from the other things in your life that you find difficult at the moment. Otherwise your argument is an unfocused goose chase and it’ll take hours before somebody breaks down and admits to what they really need to talk about it.
Learning to cut to the chase is a long process. I’ve slowly gotten better at it but you’ll have to check in with me 15 years into a marriage and see if I still think it’s possible! =)
Thanks Sarah!