Comments on: Navigating Arguments: She Broke My Nose! http://thedatingpapers.com/navigating-arguments-she-broke-my-nose/ smart tips, better dates Wed, 08 Sep 2010 17:13:02 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: Seth http://thedatingpapers.com/navigating-arguments-she-broke-my-nose/comment-page-1/#comment-7913 Seth Wed, 30 Sep 2009 20:34:45 +0000 http://thedatingpapers.com/?p=191#comment-7913 When somebody knows you very well, it's likely that they'll have an entire list of things you could improve but, for whatever reason, have yet to change, no? As such, it's the remarks pertaining to that list that often strike the deepest. Especially when sarcasm is brought into the mix! As Linnet says so well, you won't find yourself shouting so often if you really care about the other person and recognize why you're so angry. I'm not a screamer but I still have to pay very close attention to all the things influencing my attitude during an argument. My retort to Helen was fueled not by irritation at her remark so much as I'd previously failed to budget my time well and had spent the last two days finishing an enormous project. I was tired, pissed at myself for letting the project slide until the last moment, and edgy from two days of caffeine. When she pushed me to go with her, the first degree honest answer would have been: "I really need to sleep. Can I go another time?" The second degree honest answer would have been: "I don't enjoy hanging out with you when you're drinking with friends. I'd rather not go." I skipped both answers and was a dick about it instead. Now, if I'd set my sandwich down in time... all would have been well. =) What's the tip in all that? Make a point to separate the things that annoy you in an argument from the other things in your life that you find difficult at the moment. Otherwise your argument is an unfocused goose chase and it'll take hours before somebody breaks down and admits to what they really need to talk about it. Learning to cut to the chase is a long process. I've slowly gotten better at it but you'll have to check in with me 15 years into a marriage and see if I still think it's possible! =) Thanks Sarah! When somebody knows you very well, it’s likely that they’ll have an entire list of things you could improve but, for whatever reason, have yet to change, no?

As such, it’s the remarks pertaining to that list that often strike the deepest. Especially when sarcasm is brought into the mix!

As Linnet says so well, you won’t find yourself shouting so often if you really care about the other person and recognize why you’re so angry. I’m not a screamer but I still have to pay very close attention to all the things influencing my attitude during an argument.

My retort to Helen was fueled not by irritation at her remark so much as I’d previously failed to budget my time well and had spent the last two days finishing an enormous project. I was tired, pissed at myself for letting the project slide until the last moment, and edgy from two days of caffeine. When she pushed me to go with her, the first degree honest answer would have been: “I really need to sleep. Can I go another time?” The second degree honest answer would have been: “I don’t enjoy hanging out with you when you’re drinking with friends. I’d rather not go.”

I skipped both answers and was a dick about it instead.

Now, if I’d set my sandwich down in time… all would have been well. =)

What’s the tip in all that? Make a point to separate the things that annoy you in an argument from the other things in your life that you find difficult at the moment. Otherwise your argument is an unfocused goose chase and it’ll take hours before somebody breaks down and admits to what they really need to talk about it.

Learning to cut to the chase is a long process. I’ve slowly gotten better at it but you’ll have to check in with me 15 years into a marriage and see if I still think it’s possible! =)

Thanks Sarah!

]]> By: Seth http://thedatingpapers.com/navigating-arguments-she-broke-my-nose/comment-page-1/#comment-7906 Seth Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:53:31 +0000 http://thedatingpapers.com/?p=191#comment-7906 Trudy: Thanks! Comments like yours offer a constant challenge to make the next post better and more interesting. Thank you for taking the time to check in and say hi! Best to you! Seth Trudy: Thanks! Comments like yours offer a constant challenge to make the next post better and more interesting. Thank you for taking the time to check in and say hi!

Best to you!

Seth

]]> By: Seth http://thedatingpapers.com/navigating-arguments-she-broke-my-nose/comment-page-1/#comment-7905 Seth Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:52:50 +0000 http://thedatingpapers.com/?p=191#comment-7905 I’m with you on that, Bobby! Thanks for communicating! Seth I’m with you on that, Bobby! Thanks for communicating!

Seth

]]> By: Seth http://thedatingpapers.com/navigating-arguments-she-broke-my-nose/comment-page-1/#comment-7904 Seth Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:52:17 +0000 http://thedatingpapers.com/?p=191#comment-7904 Hi! By “other” buttons, I was referring to the ones that boring couples only push in the bedroom. I get what you’re saying though. The people I know who have been willing to argue through the night, as previously stated, are often seeking something else out of the argument. Allowing arguments to take the place of other forms of communication is dangerous and cannot lead to good. I’m glad that you’ve found a more sustainable way to build your relationships! Hi! By “other” buttons, I was referring to the ones that boring couples only push in the bedroom. I get what you’re saying though. The people I know who have been willing to argue through the night, as previously stated, are often seeking something else out of the argument. Allowing arguments to take the place of other forms of communication is dangerous and cannot lead to good. I’m glad that you’ve found a more sustainable way to build your relationships!

]]> By: Seth http://thedatingpapers.com/navigating-arguments-she-broke-my-nose/comment-page-1/#comment-7903 Seth Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:51:44 +0000 http://thedatingpapers.com/?p=191#comment-7903 Such a good point! It’s so true that when you feel like your partner is trying to understand you and find progress in the argument you really can’t yell too much. Perhaps a little bit…but not too much! =) Thanks for stopping by. Best to you! Such a good point! It’s so true that when you feel like your partner is trying to understand you and find progress in the argument you really can’t yell too much. Perhaps a little bit…but not too much! =)

Thanks for stopping by. Best to you!

]]> By: Seth http://thedatingpapers.com/navigating-arguments-she-broke-my-nose/comment-page-1/#comment-7902 Seth Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:51:07 +0000 http://thedatingpapers.com/?p=191#comment-7902 Bloody wrestling matches really aren’t my thing. I have a bit of trouble seeing how beating on each other contributed to the honesty of your relationship, but I believe you. I’m glad you don’t seek physical fights out as a way to resolve conflicts anymore! Bloody wrestling matches really aren’t my thing. I have a bit of trouble seeing how beating on each other contributed to the honesty of your relationship, but I believe you.

I’m glad you don’t seek physical fights out as a way to resolve conflicts anymore!

]]> By: Seth http://thedatingpapers.com/navigating-arguments-she-broke-my-nose/comment-page-1/#comment-7901 Seth Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:50:26 +0000 http://thedatingpapers.com/?p=191#comment-7901 Helen’s violence wasn’t the reason for our eventual break-up as that instance was the only one of our relationship. What I’d say did us in was her constant need for attention and inability to trust me when I wasn’t in her personal space. On my side, I should have been more patient, communicated more clearly about my needs in the relationship, and set better boundaries from the start! Helen’s violence wasn’t the reason for our eventual break-up as that instance was the only one of our relationship. What I’d say did us in was her constant need for attention and inability to trust me when I wasn’t in her personal space. On my side, I should have been more patient, communicated more clearly about my needs in the relationship, and set better boundaries from the start!

]]> By: Seth http://thedatingpapers.com/navigating-arguments-she-broke-my-nose/comment-page-1/#comment-7900 Seth Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:49:53 +0000 http://thedatingpapers.com/?p=191#comment-7900 The idea is for dating to be less of a contact sport. At least, the type of contact that leaves people bloodied and feeling abused! The idea is for dating to be less of a contact sport. At least, the type of contact that leaves people bloodied and feeling abused!

]]> By: Seth http://thedatingpapers.com/navigating-arguments-she-broke-my-nose/comment-page-1/#comment-7899 Seth Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:49:27 +0000 http://thedatingpapers.com/?p=191#comment-7899 Yes, Helen was a bit of a brat at first. At the time, I made excuses for her behavior and stayed in the relationship. As I say later in the post, had I been the person I am today and knowing what I do, I’d have walked away from Helen in an instant! Yes, Helen was a bit of a brat at first. At the time, I made excuses for her behavior and stayed in the relationship. As I say later in the post, had I been the person I am today and knowing what I do, I’d have walked away from Helen in an instant!

]]> By: Seth http://thedatingpapers.com/navigating-arguments-she-broke-my-nose/comment-page-1/#comment-7898 Seth Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:48:45 +0000 http://thedatingpapers.com/?p=191#comment-7898 Bobby: If you’re going sentence-by-sentence, you missed a couple! Communication comes in many shapes and forms. Argument is one of them. The release and discovery you mention as being results of argument are most certainly factors in great communication! Welcoming argument as another chance to further your understanding of your partner will take you much further than writing off argument as a “non-communication.” To view arguments as useless and a waste of time will drive you to avoid them. What a quick way to kill a relationship! Thanks for your comment! Seth Bobby: If you’re going sentence-by-sentence, you missed a couple!

Communication comes in many shapes and forms. Argument is one of them. The release and discovery you mention as being results of argument are most certainly factors in great communication!

Welcoming argument as another chance to further your understanding of your partner will take you much further than writing off argument as a “non-communication.” To view arguments as useless and a waste of time will drive you to avoid them. What a quick way to kill a relationship!

Thanks for your comment!

Seth

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