By Simon Cole
It was our fourth date when Coleen popped the question. She was smart, funny, beautiful, and confident of her talents. We’d had a lot of fun hanging out and I, classy dude that I am, hadn’t pushed for anything physical… yet.
Coleen just had something about her that said, “don’t touch me quite yet” that I figured was a good idea to respect.
That changed when she slipped from her side of the table in the softly lit corner of the restaurant and scooted into the seat beside me. (Irish pub, booths, yep.)
I thought, “Yes! She’s finally over whatever is bothering her. Snog time!”
Instead, she leaned toward me, paused, and popped the question:
Would you freak out if I told you I had two kids?
I didn’t freak out. I don’t have a problem with kids and see no reason why a person should treat another poorly for having given birth.
The thing that bothered me was Coleen’s timing in waiting so long to tell me that she had two enormous commitments chilling with a babysitter at home.
I was annoyed that she hadn’t told me right away. When I asked her about the delay she said only that she hadn’t wanted to scare me away and that her friends had said I’d be cool with it if I really liked her.
I wasn’t interested.
Looking back, I wonder if I did the right thing? On what date should a single mom admit to having kids? Was Coleen right to wait so long to tell me about her kids?
I asked some friends for their input:
Seth said,
“She should tell him about her kids right around the same time she’d like him to tell her if he’s a registered sex offender.”
Emma said,
“I think she should tell him once she’s sure she likes him. It’s the difference between inviting somebody to a party in college and inviting them home for Thanksgiving. It’s important to get to know the guy a little bit before you spring potentially life-altering news on him.”
Amelia took some pot shots at Coleen’s garment choices (long story) before remarking,
“It seems like dating as a single mom would be something like dating when you’re HIV-positive. You know, you’ve got this thing that would scare most guys away but you’re hoping that you’ll somehow meet one who wants to be with you no matter what and will understand why you didn’t tell him sooner. It’s a big deal to have kids. You have to protect them while trying to be open to a new person. I think Coleen probably liked you a lot and perhaps that’s why she waited so long to tell you about her kids. I don’t know. I don’t have kids. That’s how I’d approach it if I did, I think. I’d wait, perhaps quite a few dates.”
Now I’m not sure what to think. If Seth was just being dramatic with his line about the sex offender (a real possibility) then it seems I may have been wrong in discounting Coleen for waiting to tell me about her kids.
What do you think? Ladies? How long do you think it’s okay for a single mom to wait before telling her date she’s got kids? Gents, how soon would you like to know if the lady you’re dating has done more than just test her baby maker?
If I was wrong (and it seems I may have been) I’m game for giving Coleen a call and apologizing for being an ape. Was I wrong?
Thanks for your input!
Simon
33 Comments
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@ Megan
I noticed that you don’t have any children. I can’t wait for you to get married one day, have a child or two and then divorce. Because the reality is that most marriages will not work out. God forbid someone should actually procreate during the time they were married or in a relationship. I believe in telling someone after you have established a genuine interest. What if the single mother isn’t looking for some deep committed relationship but just wants to have a casual affair? The reason that I wouldn’t want to say something right away is that there are stereotypes that single mothers especially are looking for a father for their children, a financial hand out, looking for a husband, are clingy/needy etc. I don’t see people discussing how many people they’ve slept with, medical conditions, whether or not they hope to marry, how much money they make, what their credit rating is, whether or not you’re hoping to have sex up front so why should a single parent divulge that they have kids? I think this has more bearing on women because I swear women are damned if they do have kids (relationships end/men leave and then you are “damaged goods”) and damned if they don’t have kids (viewed as lacking maternal instinct, abnormal etc).
I will admit that you brought up an excellent point of not being able to be as spontaneous and it’s very true. At this point in my life I’m not interested in having the spontaneity that I had in my early 20s and when I was child free, I’m grown with things to do and planning things in advance works just fine. Besides at 32 I’ve learned to value time to myself and don’t need to be readily available for some guy nor do I expect him to do the same for me.
You shouldn’t wait too long because it isn’t fair to either of you. As a mom, I would want to know right away if the man is okay with having children in the picture. How can he understand my life and my commitments unless I disclose this information? I would feel like a fraud. What happens if my child gets sick and I can’t go out etc….(unless I just want to have a casual fling, then it is not necessary)