By Simon Cole
It was our fourth date when Coleen popped the question. She was smart, funny, beautiful, and confident of her talents. We’d had a lot of fun hanging out and I, classy dude that I am, hadn’t pushed for anything physical… yet.
Coleen just had something about her that said, “don’t touch me quite yet” that I figured was a good idea to respect.
That changed when she slipped from her side of the table in the softly lit corner of the restaurant and scooted into the seat beside me. (Irish pub, booths, yep.)
I thought, “Yes! She’s finally over whatever is bothering her. Snog time!”
Instead, she leaned toward me, paused, and popped the question:
Would you freak out if I told you I had two kids?
I didn’t freak out. I don’t have a problem with kids and see no reason why a person should treat another poorly for having given birth.
The thing that bothered me was Coleen’s timing in waiting so long to tell me that she had two enormous commitments chilling with a babysitter at home.
I was annoyed that she hadn’t told me right away. When I asked her about the delay she said only that she hadn’t wanted to scare me away and that her friends had said I’d be cool with it if I really liked her.
I wasn’t interested.
Looking back, I wonder if I did the right thing? On what date should a single mom admit to having kids? Was Coleen right to wait so long to tell me about her kids?
I asked some friends for their input:
Seth said,
“She should tell him about her kids right around the same time she’d like him to tell her if he’s a registered sex offender.”
Emma said,
“I think she should tell him once she’s sure she likes him. It’s the difference between inviting somebody to a party in college and inviting them home for Thanksgiving. It’s important to get to know the guy a little bit before you spring potentially life-altering news on him.”
Amelia took some pot shots at Coleen’s garment choices (long story) before remarking,
“It seems like dating as a single mom would be something like dating when you’re HIV-positive. You know, you’ve got this thing that would scare most guys away but you’re hoping that you’ll somehow meet one who wants to be with you no matter what and will understand why you didn’t tell him sooner. It’s a big deal to have kids. You have to protect them while trying to be open to a new person. I think Coleen probably liked you a lot and perhaps that’s why she waited so long to tell you about her kids. I don’t know. I don’t have kids. That’s how I’d approach it if I did, I think. I’d wait, perhaps quite a few dates.”
Now I’m not sure what to think. If Seth was just being dramatic with his line about the sex offender (a real possibility) then it seems I may have been wrong in discounting Coleen for waiting to tell me about her kids.
What do you think? Ladies? How long do you think it’s okay for a single mom to wait before telling her date she’s got kids? Gents, how soon would you like to know if the lady you’re dating has done more than just test her baby maker?
If I was wrong (and it seems I may have been) I’m game for giving Coleen a call and apologizing for being an ape. Was I wrong?
Thanks for your input!
Simon
Image: Photogratree
When Should A Single Mom Tell Her Date She Has Kids?
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I tell people right away that I have a child. For two reasons, one- it scares the d-bags and commitment phobes away and two- I love my kid, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Problem is that there is a stigma with being a single mom, especialy if you haven’t been married. I never intended not to marry the baby daddy but he had other ideas. Men give me this stigma of MILF… which to some women would be complimentary but I find it really just means these guys view me as either desperate to have sex, or easy… either way its bad. When you tell them that you have a kid, you can also almost always see this glint in their eye as the idea of “oh she’s looking for a father for her kid” pass through their eyes. I have been doing it on my own for 5 years, just because I go out with a guy doesn’t mean I am sizing him up for daddy shoes. The other problem is that we can’t be spontaneous. We have to have at least 1-2 days notice for an evening out. Babysitters are not a dime a dozen. However, that doesn’t mean that we can’t go out and have fun, drink, party, dance, etc. Just let me know what night you want to do it on. I mean its not an easy thing. Mostly I find its such a hassle to deal with the men’s reactions to the kid thing that I just don’t date. Period.
But if she’d told me right off, I’d have been fine with it.
I just have this feeling that some single moms are missing out on really great guys because they’re afraid of running into the d-bags that just want to break another bed.
Having a child doesn’t change the percentage of badly raised fools in the world. Still lots to sift through before you find a good one, right? Perhaps there’s more stress this time around because it affects more than just you if you pick the wrong guy?
I don’t know. I wish she’d told me earlier. I’d still have asked her out again. She was a cool lady. =/
It’s never too late…
No. It is. She waited too long. I was there. I know all the other stuff she talked about. Kids should have come up on the 2nd date, in this case, I think.
I always told people right away. How is it that you even get on a date with someone without them knowing that much about you, anyway? Isn’t there some baseline of info you establish when you’re even deciding if you want to go out with someone? The fact that I have a son is the most important thing about me. Even now when he’s 18 and heading to college–I can’t imagine getting through 30 minutes of conversation without his existence coming up. I’m not really the mysterious type, so I doubt I ever went out with someone who didn’t already know, based on 5 minutes of conversation, that I had a kid, 2 dogs, 2 cats, climbed 5.10, skied cliffs, loved Led Zepplin. And who the HELL waits 4 dates for sex, let alone snogging, anyway? Hello? What’s the point of dating? Kids these days, I swear. If you’re a chicken, why would I be interested in you?
Anyhow, long story short, I was extremely up front. Yeah, there were some assholes, but what I was careful about was who actually got to MEET the kid, not who HEARD about the kids. I was in a committed relationship within 2 years, and it’s been a decade and we’re still strong.
OMG. You are amazing! Way to live ferociously! Love it!
I think the point of dating is to discover people who make you laugh, think, and scream with utter pleasure on occasion?
Coffee with you would easily trump a date with most women I know.
Well done. =)
I’ve approached this two different ways. Generally, like JWright, I scare off the idiots by telling them I have a kid right off the bat. (It also makes a good excuse when they don’t get the hint ‘Aw, we can’t go to a movie cause I have a kid’) Unfortunately, I’ve found that it is a double edged sword as well.
Lots of times, I really want to go, but can’t because I have a kid, and I don’t like leaving him behind or leaving him with a babysitter. I had a kid so that I could share the world with him, not leave him out of it. I was aware that I’d need to make this sacrifice when I chose to get pregnant, and don’t regret it. It’s simply part of being an adult and a parent.
I’ve also waited a date or two before telling guys about my kid for a few reasons:
- if the guy doesn’t seem like the ’settling down type’ but I really like him, it is an internal struggle to make myself say something, which usually runs them off just as fast as the jerks. It wasn’t done to intentionally offend someone, but a small part of you hopes that maybe you’re wrong.
- the right opportunity just never really came up. Which, for me, was a pretty good indication that we talked mostly about him and his interests, also making it a good sign that he needs to go down the road.
- As soon as you tell them you have a kid, some guys figure out the fastest way into your pants is through your kid. ‘Show her you’d make a good father figure, get to be good buddies with the kid, and you can get a piece.’ They aren’t there for you or your kid. They’re there for them, and it doesn’t last long either.
This sounds mean, but it happens. Lots. And like any mother, I don’t want people coming in and out of my kid’s life. I try to ensure that any men who come into my kids life as a father type figure are willing to make a commitment to be there.
With male friends, it’s different. They don’t want to be a constant in my kid’s life. They are there being a good friend to me, and this means not being a jerk to my kid.
Rather than becoming fatherly like, they have the unique ability to merely be a friend, have a quick chat, and that’s all. For me and for my child, it means the separation and elements of abandonment just aren’t there. Everyone’s happy.
I’ve experienced a lot of the same things as JWright. And, I have to admit that when I leave a significant other, I revisit the concept that many men don’t do well with another man’s child. It’s not their fault. Taking on a child, or committing to someone who has a child is a HUGE life change, and many people just aren’t ready for that.
It’s a choice I make knowing that I will likely be single until well after my son is grown up and gone. I’m ok with that. In fact, I prefer it.
I can go out with friends and not have any of the pressures women playing the dating game have to deal with. Also, I don’t have to worry about some guy going on a power trip and attempting to parent my child. There’s usually someone around, I can go out and about, go dancing, go to the movies, dinner, whatever, just like those in a relationship do.
When single mothers go out with someone, it doesn’t mean we’re looking for a father for our children. It just means we’re human.
That being said, yeah, should really be honest and open about it right from the start, when she knows she wants to see that person again. So, I would say somewhere around that second date…maybe the third.
For the record, I think being offended after only four dates, before being intimate, is being a little overly sensitive. Something tells me there’s more to it than just her not being upfront with you.
Angie Nikoleychuk
Angie’s Copywriting
Good points!
Yeah, I’m assuming that she figured since we hadn’t slept together yet it’d be cool not to tell me.
I’m a friendship — > fucking sort of person these days and her information hold-out frosted a cake I didn’t feel like eating. I suppose I could just start asking women if they have kids right off the bat? Might lead to some interesting conversations. =)
I like your point about being a friend to you means not being a jerk to your kid. Coleen’s kids already have a father. They don’t need another. Well, that’d be my take at least.
Thanks!
Heh, so I just asked my partner what his first thought was when he learned I had a kid (again, before our first date) and he said, “Bummer, no running around the house naked.”
Ahhh, it makes sense that you two would stick together then. =)
PS, It seems to me that guys who like Belgian horses won’t be single long. Good luck.
I haven’t read the other comments because I want to get my own thoughts down here ‘fresh’, so I apologise if what I say is similar to anything else that’s been said above.
My first thought when I read the title of the post, previous to reading the actual content, was that if someone is not willing to be upfront about the fact that they have children, perhaps they have problems greater than trying to find a partner in life.
I am a single Mum. My kid is 6 years old. He’s been spending a lot more time with his Dad lately, but despite this he is still my life. Even when I’m meeting people face-to-face who aren’t potential dates, it takes a very short time for the topic of conversation to come around to my boy.
I once heard a rather true thing said about having kids as someone who is dating: they’re great bullshit filters. Basically, if a possible future partner runs a mile when he or she hears about a child in the equation, then perhaps he or she is not the type you want to consider as your future partner. They might be the type that’s better of as just a friend.
Meet a person where they are. If you cannot understand her reasons for feeling scared, reluctant or just wanting to get to know you better, for herself, first, then perhaps you are only thinking of you. I would think that everyone has a different spin. There is no right or wrong… just the decisions we make on any given day based on our own experience on any other given day. If you walk a mile in her/his shoes, then perhaps you take the first step to learning how to be anyone’s good partner. It’s all a crap shoot anyway. Why not just sit and talk about your reaction, then her reasons and see if you can come to compassion and then real passion.
Well, the gal I’m taking on a fourth date this weekend (and finally meeting the kid, from the sound of it) put her kid up front for all to see from the beginning. Her profile pic on match.com showed her hugging her young son. She said she wanted to immediately scare off anyone who would be scared off.
As for how late is too late…after sex would be too late. If it’s just been dinner dates thus far, she may simply be wanting to protect her child, since the guy is still a largely unknown factor. There are a lot of creepy crazies out there, of BOTH genders.
hi, just reading this today because I myself did not tell a guy i had kids for the first time ever last night! I feel terribly guilty and wonder why i didn’t do it. reading this post is helpful. i think it is because a) i really do like him in a different ways than other ‘coffee dates’ and was afraid to scare him b) i was trying to not put out all the dating rules like i have done in the past c) he didn’t ask–which means he DID talk about himself a lot. But, as i said, I feel terribly dishonest and am ready to grab the phone and blurt it out…I hope you did call her again, and did ask her WHY she didn’t tell you…we are all a little uneasy when dealing with such things…thanks!
Hi Guys and Gals
So I have read all the responses and like Kelly I do feel really guilty about not telling the guy I have only been chatting to via email and phone calls about my little Princess who is almost 5 years old. I have been a single mum for the last 3 years and have not been in a relationship. (super deprived)
My daughter is the most important thing to me and my reasoning for not telling this guy just yet, is because I have not met him yet?
Should I tell him over the phone, or wait until we do meet, which will only be after a month, due to work schedules and studies… should I see if there is any chemistry when we meet and then the day after break the news to him that I am a fully fledged single mum?
Please help me?