Facebook is a great place to be reminded of people you had happily forgotten. For example, I recently received a message from this girl I’d known years and years ago. (Like, when I was 8 years old) She’d apparently gone on a friend-anybody-I-remember-talking-to rampage and had decided to “reconnect” with me. Fair enough.
She asks me about how I’m doing, what I’d been up to, and what I was reading. It just so happened that I’d visited my parents the previous day and flipped through a copy of Martha Stewart Living my mom had left out. There was an image in the magazine of two kids with plaster masks playing in the woods. I have fantastic memories of tromping through the woods with my sister as kids.
So I mentioned this to my new Facebook friend-finder and was taken aback by her response:
She: Umm Martha Stewart?? masks??? are you gay?
Note: I don’t know about Martha Stewart, but masks have a long tradition of use by heterosexual males.
Me: I have a very low tolerance for such questions. I haven’t asked you about your sexuality in any way, shape, or form. Why bring it up? If I were gay, I’d be offended that you used “gay” in a pejorative sense. As it is, I’m just fatigued by the question because I can’t respond with a question in the same vein without being incredibly inappropriate. Savvy?
As to what I meant with, “respond with questions in the same vein…” A question like, “Are you gay?” is, to me, very weighty. I put it in the same category as questions like, “Do you have trouble reaching orgasm?” It’s not a question one asks random people without a lot of previous interaction and certainly is not a question to be asked in jest.
She responded:
She (part I): I’m so sorry. I never meant to offend you. I tease some of my guy friends sometimes when they like things that aren’t so normally guy things (Martha Stewart,masks,etc) but never in a derogatory way. Just teasing, I guess now I will think about how it could effect other people that I don’t know so well.
If I were gay, I’m sure I’d already be accustomed to such short-sighted bias. But I’m not so I found her response infuriating.
She teases guys for liking things outside stereotypical male fascinations? Okay. I understand why she does that. I grew up in the same sort of ultra-conservative household with very strict gender roles. It was just a mistake and she’s going to think about the things she says in the future. Excellent. That’s progress!
But it wasn’t progress. Her conclusion had an entirely different tone:
She (Part II): And by the way just so you don’t think I have something against gays, the guy that does my hair is gay, I think he’s very nice and I don’t condemn him for it. Quite frankly I chose him already knowing he was. I never meant it as any big question regarding your sexuality but even if it was true I would think that having made that decision you would be fully accepting it and not something that you would upset to be asked.
So now it’s up to the recipient of the biased remarks to happily accept them as part of the package? Classy. I hope her stylist shaves her head the next time she goes in for a trim.
What would you say to her? I’m thinking I’ll send her a reply sometime this week.
Live ferociously… and don’t let your friends get away with saying stupidly biased things!
Simon
Image: Darwin Bell
RT @datingpapers So there IS such a thing as a stupid question: Are You Gay?
“…but even if it was true I would think that having made that decision you would be fully accepting it and not something that you would upset to be asked.”
My evil side says you should keep talking to her and throw in weird sexual questions in response to a few of her mundane remarks.
For example: She says she went to the grocery store. You respond with a question as to whether or not she likes violent sex.
My good side says you should respond calmly and ask her to see what her stylist thinks about the situation. He’d probably have more sway over her thinking because she knows he’s gay.
Do what your heart tells you and other such bits of advice. =)
If I say anything at all, it’ll be along the lines of telling her to ask the stylist.
With you on this one. I hope she likes the creations of Edward Scissorhands!
Whatever a person believes about sexuality, it is really not teasing fodder.
Perhaps she’s trying to determine if you’re eligible but doesn’t know how to ask? Teasing is, sadly, part of the dynamic of many families, and oftentimes people don’t even realize how much it hurts others until corrected.
I find that people who do this lack confidence and security and are raised in an environment where people must be put down in order to feel better about themselves.
While it’s completely wrong and terrible, it’s probably all she knows. She probably didn’t even realize she was digging herself in deeper by trying to defend herself. She has nothing to compare it to. It takes a lot of self-control (and failures and apologies!) to break free of it and to appreciate people for who they are, with all of their complexities.
You could ignore her or be strong enough to say, “Maybe you don’t realize this, but sexuality is a personal issue. Asking about it is inconsiderate and rude enough. Teasing about it is hurtful and offensive. You need to stop before someone punches you in the face.”
“You need to stop before somebody punches you in the face.”
Kinda paints a bad picture of the people I was trying to stand up for, eh?
Now you’re the one generalizing, Simon. People have all sorts of temperaments, regardless of their sexuality.
Ugh, being gay isn’t a “decision” and there’s no reason you should expect to be asked about your sexuality after answering a question about what you’re reading currently, even if your response is not gender-stereotypical.
Honestly I think you should not respond at all. If you must, I’d say something like what Sarah Joy suggested. But I wouldn’t go out of my way to get into an ideological debate over Facebook email with an ignoramus who probably won’t get the point anyway, she’ll just think you’re being overly sensitive.
Some debate that. =)
Good use of “ignoramus.” =)
So what you’re saying is…you’re gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
In the next post please include more hypersensitive whining. This is, by far, the most developed and prominent aspect of your writing style and should be even more opulently highlighted.
Heya!
I hadn’t considered that as an option yet. Perhaps you’re onto something. I may end up someday realizing I’m completely gay and post a thank-you article to you for starting me on my new path!
Do you have any tips as to how I might further highlight my whining? Aside from graphic depictions to go with the writing, are there any writing-specific techniques you could suggest? Thanks!
Sooo, I might have been a bit sarcastic there, but your comment is excellent & I appreciate the insight. It is easy to get whiny about such things and that wasn’t my intent.
I know some fags, yes these guys call themselves that freely, that wouldn’t take an outward offencce to that question but…they also wouldn’t justlet it go. I love seeing the 2 of them inaction to when they are puttiing a ‘phobe in their place.
Being a gay one, and married at that, I bring it as normally into any conversation. I love when people talk about my “preference.” It becomes a game. I prefer to shop at Target instead of Wal-mart because of how Wal-Mart treats its employees locally and nationally. Being gay, at least for me, just is. It’s not parties and light stick raves, but resides inside med often takes place in our home in Las Vegas, with our four dogs, my brother who lives with us, and an occasional stray person that comes our way needing refuge.
Otherwise, my “preference” looks like this: Wake up. Make the Coffee. Start the Laundry. Do Homework> Go Volunteer. Work on trying to get things to grow in our back yard. Trips to the dog park. Cook dinner, talk with my husband about his day and then cuddle and do something personal, hit the sheets. Some times, we even have sex.
In short, although I love my life and my husband, it’s as typical as any typical marriage, and it’s a lot of work to keep it healthy and loving. We will have been married two years in July, and together 11 in October, and I still remember the first time we met fondly, and will stay with him until we are called apart by life.
The question “Are you gay” is jejune to the point of absurdity. Wake up and smell the 21st century! You’ll often know if someone’s gay–they’ll tell you. I can’t imagine asking people I’ve not seen, “Are you not gay?” Although the world might be better for it.