The car pulled away as the tears streamed down my face, stars shining brightly as headlights faded. It was over. I pulled my sweater closer around my thin frame and shivered as the realization sank in – alone. again. It was my fault, I didn’t let him in. I tried to keep it all to myself. As I trudged up the stairs to numb my pain with the usual glass of red and a cigarette, I wondered, “Will I ever break the cycle?”

Every person I’ve ever loved has left me – by their own volition or by my pushing them away.  The feeling that I’ll never quite live up is woven through the fiber of my being, causing doubt and fear to sweep in and take over. I end up like a turtle, hiding in my shell wishing life weren’t like this and wondering why me?

Instead of turning to the tried and true wine + cigarettes, I find new ways to pull myself out of these days of darkness, because they always seem to creep up on me when I’m least expecting it. Here are a few of my favorite suggestions for what to do when he leaves:

• Retail Therapy: I’m not advocating spending $3,000 in a day (although it can be – and has been -  done), but more the act of window shopping and buying yourself one thing that makes you happy. I’m a tactile person, so perusing bright accessories and feeling different surfaces makes me happy. Mint Julep always has fun stuff and Michael’s Crafts is always a great place to spend time, which brings me to my next solution… Read the full story

How do you survive a broken relationship and learn to move forward with your life? I asked Alternative Rock musician Chris Blake to share his recent break-up experience. You can read his story below and listen/download his latest song “Happiness”.

As most of my friends on Twitter know, I was recently forced to confront the break-up of my marriage.

Almost immediately, I began to wonder about the deep pain caused by the loss of a loved one.

What’s the point of feeling it if there’s nothing you can do about it? Why do we feel it if it gets in the way of making decisions that will ultimately make us happier?

I found myself Googling more questions, such as:

“Why do our hearts break?”

“Can you die from a broken heart?”

“Is emotional pain worse than physical pain?”

And then, I did what all songwriters do when faced with so many questions but not so many answers (sorry, Google): I wrote a song.

Listen to my song, “Happiness” and download it for free if you like it

I can’t say it provided any answers either, but it gave me something to work on when I didn’t have the heart to work on anything. And now, as I begin to reap the benefits of time and truly accept the break-up, my new life, and a revised family structure, I’ve got something I can show the world that goes beyond a few funny digs or philosophical ramblings on Twitter.

More importantly, I’ve got renewed faith in my ability to forge my own future. If I can write a song during a period of great grief, then perhaps I can go on to build other new things in my life as well.

Perhaps I did get some answers after all. I hope you enjoy the song! ~Chris

Time doesn’t heal all diseases, but it certainly  gives needed perspective. If you’re dealing with a break-up right now, here are a few reminders to help you make it through:

1. Allow your heart to break into a thousands of pieces – Only when you allow yourself to reach rock-bottom will you discover the clarity of feeling solid ground again. The thing you fear, when met, is what allows you to stand again. Embrace the sadness and experience it fully. Just like it’s possible to stay in bed until the prospect of more sleep seems an impossibility, throw yourself into the exquisite pain of your loss. You’ll grow tired of the pain more quickly than you’d expect.
2. Revive a previous passion – No, don’t start calling old girlfriends. We all have something we enjoyed before the relationship took first place. Think back to something that inspires you, excites you, and gives you satisfaction (if you can only think of your ex at this point, you haven’t allowed your heart to fully break yet) and put energy into bringing that joy back to life. You might not have the talent to create music like Chris (I know I don’t) but that shouldn’t stop you from pursuing your own satisfaction in a creative way.
3. Replace your failed relationship with a new habit – Instead of using your free time to mourn your loss, fill it up with something you’ve been “meaning to do” for awhile. Baumeister and his colleagues at FSU propose that forming a new habit is a very similar process to that of improving a muscle’s strength and stamina. Pick your new habit and work ferociously on improving in that area. You’ll soon find that you’re spending less time thinking about how to get over your ex and more time living your life.

What advice can you offer to other readers to help them survive a break-up? What helped you make it through those first weeks of pain? Did you ever write songs? Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

Also, if you have any words for Chris about his experience or “Happiness”, let him know in a comment. Thanks!

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photo: lg

You might also like: How To Get Over Your Ex

Photo by nyki m

The notion that people can be friends after breaking up is a lot like alchemy. Many people have tried it over the years and yet we still find ourselves digging into mountains to find real gold. The following won’t get you any brownie points, but they will put a dramatic touch on the end of your relationship. Good luck!

1. Send her mother flowers and a note requesting that she tell her daughter that things just aren’t working out and you’re sorry.
2. Have a cake sent to her work and do the deed in frosting. Sending flowers that represent rejection (thanks, J!) may also help things along.
3. Invite her to your place for dinner. Promise to cook something fantastic. If she has keys to your place, have the locks changed. Give your cell phone to your neighbor with an explanation. It’s key that she hear your phone ringing nearby when she calls it to find you. Spend your evening with friends and enjoy yourself!
4. Send a letter detailing your intended break up and reasons to a bad address and use your new ex’s current address as for the return. The letter will be returned to its “sender” and she’ll be single and confused.
5. Buy her a puppy and have it delivered to her house. Make sure it has a lovely little collar with “ doesn’t love you anymore. Give your love to me!”
6. Confess your love for her best friend.
7. Take her out for drinks. Find the grossest drunkest guy you can and tell him that “that woman over there” said she thinks he’s cute and that you know she’s very much single.
8. Call her brother. Tell him you’re gay and ask to start seeing him. This will only have the desired effect if he’s straight.
9. Take the facebook/myspace craze to a new level and get one of her friends to post a note about how you told this friend that you were breaking up that night.
10. Break up with her over the phone and call her by the wrong name in the process.

Do not blame me if one of the above backfires on you and a wedding ensues. Stranger things have happened. Just know that the more she hates you at the moment you break up, the more quickly she’ll get over you.

What do you think?

Seth