Tag archive for "dating blog"

The Four Seasons of a Relationship

Communication, The Scoop

The Four Seasons of a Relationship

44 Comments 19 November 2009

sunnyDo you have a favorite season? Most people experience seasons in a romantic relationship. In New England (the northeastern part of the United States) we have four seasons. Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. In relationships, especially long-term ones, we can observe similar seasons.

Other reading: on Trust in a Relationship.

The Four Seasons of a Relationship

Spring – In the spring of a relationship, we experience the thrill of discovery, obsession, and emotional (and often, physical) penetration that precedes new growth and attachments. Springtime offers a mad rush of delightful sensations. Remember what it feels like to touch someone for the first time? The easy laughter when you got tangled in your own shirt?

Most of us are good at dealing with springtime in our relationships. We forget our past unhappiness and revel in rediscovered emotions. Springtime is easy.

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4 Things I Should Tell You Before We Start Dating

Dating Advice, Get Over It

4 Things I Should Tell You Before We Start Dating

31 Comments 26 August 2009

by Coralie AmatoFeetOver the past three years, I’ve been through three break-ups. The first was my six year marriage. The second was an eight-month-long relationship with a long-lost friend. The third was a five month long relationship which came out of the blue. That last one was with someone I came to know in such a random way, but who touched me deeply. I’m fortunate to still have friendships with all of them, even my ex-husband, although that’s more for the sake of the child we had together.

I’m sure everyone wonders if there’s something they could have said or done that would have turned the tide and stopped the breakup. In reality, there’s probably no one thing that could have saved the relationship. After all, relationships rarely fall apart because of isolated incidents.

Since I’m still friends with all three of these people, I’m able to tell them what I think of the time I was with them. For instance, what I feel about how the relationship progressed and how it ended. Strangely enough, while in the midst of a relationship, we don’t always feel so free to actually say some of the things we want to say.

I wonder if there are things I should warn a future partner about before we even start dating. The good things about me are fairly obvious straight away—probably the things that cause the attraction in the first place—but the ‘bad’ things often don’t show up until further into the relationship. If I was to warn someone of those more negative aspects of my personality, these would be some of the things I’d say

1. I can be needy.

To paraphrase one of my favourite movies, I’m the worst kind of woman: I’m high-maintenance, but I think I’m low maintenance. Let’s face it: in general, women are more emotionally needy than men. You need to give me a steady supply of attention. It doesn’t have to be flowers every day. Just regular reassurance with little things such as a hug, a kiss on the cheek, or a touch in passing to let me know you care, or a text message to let me know you’re thinking of me – even if you’re not. How needy I become is inversely proportional to how much of those bits of attention you give me.

2. I hate being left in the dark.

When you go into your ‘cave’ to think about things, I need to know if it’s about me. I don’t need to know all the details, I just need to know if I should be worried.

3. I often think it’s my fault.

If discussions with friends prove anything, I suspect that most women are wired this way. For some reason, I think that whenever you’re in a bad mood, it must have been something I did. When you’re grumpy, I feel as though it’s my responsibility to make you feel better. I have to consciously try to stop myself thinking that I’ve caused you to feel however it is that you’re feeling. I have to convince myself that I don’t need to make you feel better. Perhaps it’s an evolutionary thing; to be successful at nurturing, we need to feel responsible for the emotional state of the people closest to us.

4. Sometimes I’m insecure.

This is another thing with which most women seem to suffer. I consider that I have quite a healthy self-esteem; a much healthier self-esteem than most woman have, in fact. But when it comes to relationships, my expectations are much higher and when those expectations aren’t met, I feel insecure – much more insecure than I’m used to feeling. I wonder if those expectations are too high, but then, if this is the person you’re thinking of being with for a long, long time, isn’t it right that your expectations of them are greater than that of a friend?

If I did tell someone these things about myself, would they run a mile before the first date even occurred? Is it really better to know in advance?The Kiss

Would you like to know these sort of things about someone you’re considering dating? Or would you prefer to just enjoy the pleasantness at the beginning and find out about the more difficult aspects of their personality as you get to know them? Are you with someone now whom you love to bits and pieces and you’d never want to leave them, but if you knew then what you know now, you might never have asked them out? If this was the case, you might have missed out on something wonderful, right?

Your thoughts? I’d like to know!

Photo credits: shareen, corie howell

4 Things You Should Know Before We Start Dating
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I live in Brisbane, Australia. I’m a gadget freak, a greenie, a bit of a hippie Mum to one small boy, and a word geek. I try to be as environmentally friendly and ‘live and let live’ as possible – except when it comes to cockroaches.

Follow Coralie on Twitter or Check out her site!

Dating Advice

Creative Dates: Trying New Things

54 Comments 16 November 2008

One of the dangers of dating a lot is the tendency to move toward the trap of the ritual. The stereotypes have expanded, but keep their general shape:

  • Watch a movie–This has taken new forms as live music, plays, and speakers become more common. They’re all pretty bad options unless you’ve got something planned alongside the activity that allows you to get to know your date better. Even if you were just planning to have sex after the movie, knowing the other person better can make your heartless copulation a more fulfilling experience. At the same time, if you like to keep things vague and enjoy spending extra time finding out if you’re compatible with somebody, just watch that movie!
  • Go to dinner–I love food so I can’t knock this too much. But sometimes its good to break away from the evening date. Places like lunchdates.com have tried to access this with a site that pairs up singles for short afternoon dates. I like evening dates after date #3 (See Recycled Dates) when I already know somebody a bit. Otherwise, never waste a weekend evening on somebody you don’t know. A failed afternoon or morning date just fuels the conversation that night with friends. An evening date gone bad and you’ve just put yourself to bed alone and in a bad mood! Save the romantic dinners for date #4 or better when you known your efforts won’t go wasted.
  • Hang out with a group of friends belonging to either of you. This might seem like it would make it easier to get to know the other person, except you may be allowing yourself to get lost in the relational shuffle. I remember one time I hung out with a girl for the first time while at a party she was hosting with her housemates. Apparently, she’d told all her buddies that I was probably the funniest guy they’d ever meet. I showed up tired and unwilling to chase the laughs of complete strangers. Not a fun evening!

As a subtext: if you get the chance, find out if your intended SigOt is the pretty boy/girl of their social group. Guys can be easier to deal with because they often accept that their buff buddy may get more dates…not the same with the ladies. Do not expect the friends of your new perfection to allow you access to their princess without first submitting to a critique fit for a presidential candidate!

That said, stay away from obvious fires and try to mix things up! You’ll have more fun and will subsequently present a more attractive side to your date. A few suggestions?

  1. Take a cooking class. Most high schools have evening classes that are often very inexpensive while still being very informative.
  2. Find a street fair. Crazy people lurk at these and it can be fun to watch them while eating highly suspect oily food. This sort of thing will appeal more to the cowboy boot-wearing girl who laughed in your face at the suggestion of taking a vegan cooking class. 

    Photo by Ed Reardon

    Photo by Ed Reardon

  3. Make up a story about needing to do community service…plant some flowers with the local garden club…then admit that you didn’t want her to think that you were playing an angle, that you don’t actually have community service as a felon, and that you just really like flowers. On second thought, only say the part about being a felon if you have a sense of humor, timing, and delivery.

Good luck!

Seth

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