Do you have a favorite season? Most people experience seasons in a romantic relationship. In New England (the northeastern part of the United States) we have four seasons. Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. In relationships, especially long-term ones, we can observe similar seasons.

The Four Seasons of a Relationship

Spring - In the spring of a relationship, we experience the thrill of discovery, obsession, and emotional (and often, physical) penetration that precedes new growth and attachments. Springtime offers a mad rush of delightful sensations. Remember what it feels like to touch someone for the first time? The easy laughter when you got tangled in your own shirt?

Most of us are good at dealing with springtime in our relationships. We forget our past unhappiness and revel in rediscovered emotions. Springtime is easy. Read the full story

by Coralie AmatoOver the past three years, I’ve been through three break-ups. The first was my six year marriage. The second was an eight-month-long relationship with a long-lost friend. The third was a five month long relationship which came out of the blue. That last one was with someone I came to know in such a random way, but who touched me deeply. I’m fortunate to still have friendships with all of them, even my ex-husband, although that’s more for the sake of the child we had together.

I’m sure everyone wonders if there’s something they could have said or done that would have turned the tide and stopped the breakup. In reality, there’s probably no one thing that could have saved the relationship. After all, relationships rarely fall apart because of isolated incidents.

Since I’m still friends with all three of these people, I’m able to tell them what I think of the time I was with them. For instance, what I feel about how the relationship progressed and how it ended. Strangely enough, while in the midst of a relationship, we don’t always feel so free to actually say some of the things we want to say.

I wonder if there are things I should warn a future partner about before we even start dating. The good things about me are fairly obvious straight away—probably the things that cause the attraction in the first place—but the ‘bad’ things often don’t show up until further into the relationship. If I was to warn someone of those more negative aspects of my personality, these would be some of the things I’d say

1. I can be needy.

To paraphrase one of my favourite movies, I’m the worst kind of woman: I’m high-maintenance, but I think I’m low maintenance. Let’s face it: in general, women are more emotionally needy than men. You need to give me a steady supply of attention. It doesn’t have to be flowers every day. Just regular reassurance with little things such as a hug, a kiss on the cheek, or a touch in passing to let me know you care, or a text message to let me know you’re thinking of me – even if you’re not. How needy I become is inversely proportional to how much of those bits of attention you give me.

2. I hate being left in the dark.

When you go into your ‘cave’ to think about things, I need to know if it’s about me. I don’t need to know all the details, I just need to know if I should be worried.

3. I often think it’s my fault.

If discussions with friends prove anything, I suspect that most women are wired this way. For some reason, I think that whenever you’re in a bad mood, it must have been something I did. When you’re grumpy, I feel as though it’s my responsibility to make you feel better. I have to consciously try to stop myself thinking that I’ve caused you to feel however it is that you’re feeling. I have to convince myself that I don’t need to make you feel better. Perhaps it’s an evolutionary thing; to be successful at nurturing, we need to feel responsible for the emotional state of the people closest to us.

4. Sometimes I’m insecure.

This is another thing with which most women seem to suffer. I consider that I have quite a healthy self-esteem; a much healthier self-esteem than most woman have, in fact. But when it comes to relationships, my expectations are much higher and when those expectations aren’t met, I feel insecure – much more insecure than I’m used to feeling. I wonder if those expectations are too high, but then, if this is the person you’re thinking of being with for a long, long time, isn’t it right that your expectations of them are greater than that of a friend?

If I did tell someone these things about myself, would they run a mile before the first date even occurred? Is it really better to know in advance?

Would you like to know these sort of things about someone you’re considering dating? Or would you prefer to just enjoy the pleasantness at the beginning and find out about the more difficult aspects of their personality as you get to know them? Are you with someone now whom you love to bits and pieces and you’d never want to leave them, but if you knew then what you know now, you might never have asked them out? If this was the case, you might have missed out on something wonderful, right?

Your thoughts? I’d like to know!

Photo credits: shareen, corie howell

4 Things You Should Know Before We Start Dating
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I live in Brisbane, Australia. I’m a gadget freak, a greenie, a bit of a hippie Mum to one small boy, and a word geek. I try to be as environmentally friendly and ‘live and let live’ as possible – except when it comes to cockroaches.

Follow Coralie on Twitter or Check out her site!

One of the dangers of dating a lot is the tendency to move toward the trap of the ritual. The stereotypes have expanded, but keep their general shape:

• Watch a movie–This has taken new forms as live music, plays, and speakers become more common. They’re all pretty bad options unless you’ve got something planned alongside the activity that allows you to get to know your date better. Even if you were just planning to have sex after the movie, knowing the other person better can make your heartless copulation a more fulfilling experience. At the same time, if you like to keep things vague and enjoy spending extra time finding out if you’re compatible with somebody, just watch that movie!
• Go to dinner–I love food so I can’t knock this too much. But sometimes its good to break away from the evening date. Places like lunchdates.com have tried to access this with a site that pairs up singles for short afternoon dates. I like evening dates after date #3 (See Recycled Dates) when I already know somebody a bit. Otherwise, never waste a weekend evening on somebody you don’t know. A failed afternoon or morning date just fuels the conversation that night with friends. An evening date gone bad and you’ve just put yourself to bed alone and in a bad mood! Save the romantic dinners for date #4 or better when you known your efforts won’t go wasted.
  
• Hang out with a group of friends belonging to either of you. This might seem like it would make it easier to get to know the other person, except you may be allowing yourself to get lost in the relational shuffle. I remember one time I hung out with a girl for the first time while at a party she was hosting with her housemates. Apparently, she’d told all her buddies that I was probably the funniest guy they’d ever meet. I showed up tired and unwilling to chase the laughs of complete strangers. Not a fun evening!

As a subtext: if you get the chance, find out if your intended SigOt is the pretty boy/girl of their social group. Guys can be easier to deal with because they often accept that their buff buddy may get more dates…not the same with the ladies. Do not expect the friends of your new perfection to allow you access to their princess without first submitting to a critique fit for a presidential candidate!

That said, stay away from obvious fires and try to mix things up! You’ll have more fun and will subsequently present a more attractive side to your date. A few suggestions?

1. Take a cooking class. Most high schools have evening classes that are often very inexpensive while still being very informative.
2. Find a street fair. Crazy people lurk at these and it can be fun to watch them while eating highly suspect oily food. This sort of thing will appeal more to the cowboy boot-wearing girl who laughed in your face at the suggestion of taking a vegan cooking class. 
   

   Photo by Ed Reardon

3. Make up a story about needing to do community service…plant some flowers with the local garden club…then admit that you didn’t want her to think that you were playing an angle, that you don’t actually have community service as a felon, and that you just really like flowers. On second thought, only say the part about being a felon if you have a sense of humor, timing, and delivery.

Good luck!

Seth

I found myself strolling down a lamp-lit street sipping hot greasy dishwater topped with whipped cream.

She was a perfectly built and initially charming redhead named Clarissa. I was back in my hometown for a few days and met her while picking up some groceries at the only grocery store in town.

We had met years earlier at a friend’s party. She had been interesting and funny. She had been with a fiancé who stuck to her like glue.

But now, arms filled with groceries, green eyes bright with conversation, she was available and very willing to join me for dinner that evening.

As I was getting ready, my mother asked me why I wouldn’t be there for dinner that evening. When I told her what I was doing, she was so happy. Apparently the respective mothers had recently had a conversation about Clarissa’s need for a guy like myself. I normally shy away from meddlesome people and should have taken the new information as a bad omen, but I didn’t. I had nothing else to do and some part of me was fascinated with the idea of finally going out with the girl of my adolescent dreams.

Red Flags:

1. My fuel-efficient rental car wasn’t classy enough for Clarissa. She insisted that we borrow her father’s car for the evening. On pressuring her for a reason, she admitted that she didn’t want her friends to see her out in a small car. I should have run. Instead, I traded keys with her father and headed out in his entry-level Mercedes sedan.
2. My chosen dinner spot was vetoed because Clarissa wanted nachos. I am all about adventure and trying new things. I just have trouble passing up a nice dinner at a great spot for nachos that I’ve had before and know are terrible.
3. My lovely and fantastic creature of a date decided to spend most of our dinner talking about how easy it had been to get a high GPA in her extremely difficult Master’s program. I was interested, then depressed, then annoyed at her insistence that she, unlike many others, was a brilliant woman. I suppose I’ve always wanted the option to build faith in a person and their intellect without requiring an academic transcript.

Clarissa confirmed her status in the neighborhood by ordering hot cocoa. She told me the restaurant made delicious cocoa and promising mugs of steaming chocolate were brought to our table. The server rolled his eyes when she asked him to make the hot chocolate to go…I should have taken this as another warning.

I had driven past every red flag and hit the broken patch of road when I sipped from that large Styrofoam cup. It was whipped cream followed by extremely hot greasy dishwater with a distinct soap flavor with hints of beef and ketchup with a watery finish. I couldn’t have been happier that I had borrowed her father’s car. I watched her sip her dishwater, fervently believing that it was actually hot chocolate. She seemed a little bewildered when I pressed the keys to her father’s car into her hands and thanked her for an eventful night. My taxi ride to pick up my rental was expensive, but worth every moment of silence. When you have a gut instinct early on, do not waste the time it may take to prove your instincts correct!

My pain, your gain.

Seth.

photo: rvw

So far, I’ve focused primarily on first dates. But what about when you move further into a relationship. What happens when you’ve been out many times? You know eachother’s friends. You’re just short of buying a second toothbrush to keep at his or her house because you stay over so often.

I met Jessica at a friend’s party. We were the only people not caught up in a rousing game of strip beer pong. The evident allergy held by all the contestants for the gym drove us to an adjoining room as the game progressed. I couldn’t have been luckier. I had been pushed into a room with a beautiful woman and a topic of conversation had been dropped into my lap. Namely, my feelings about the overweight drunks in the next room spilling beer on their nakedness. I asked her name, her address, her favorite position in bed…I’m kidding. We made small college talk and agreed to meet up in a few days for afternoon coffee. Jessica seemed like a winner. But I still wasn’t willing to give up an evening I could possibly spend in a better way.

Our conversation over coffee was revealing.

1. We both laughed without trying. Neither struggled to maintain a conversation that was interesting and amusing.
2. We unintentionally ordered the same drink. I had arrived early to get a good table and purchased a hot caramel apple cider. I left $10 with the barista to pay for her drink. In a small college town with only one coffee shop, I was unable to mix it up for a casual conversation. In this case, it was handy that I knew the barista. Looking back, I wonder if he told her what I’d ordered!
3. We had both been raised in devoutly religous homes. Mine, a conservative Christian, her’s strict Jewish. At first this seemed like common ground. It ended up being our undoing.

Three months later, we were grocery shopping together. The plan was to pick up things to make dinner at her apartment. Always the the one pushing for efficiency, we split up to get the last few items on our list. I found her, moments later. As I placed the bottle of wine and box of crackers in the cart next to the package of thick-sliced bacon. Then it registered: BACON!

Photo by shawnzam

“Jess, I didn’t think you ate pork.” I said.
“I decided I’d never had it and wanted to try it. You’ll help me cook it?” She replied.

Now that I’m older and, hopefully a bit wiser, I’d never say what I said next:

“I can, but do you think its smart to throw away 20 plus years of tradition without any thought?”

If you’re going to make a practice of dating intelligent individuals: Do not make the mistake I did and slice your own head off by questioning their intellect, upbringing, and food choices in one breath.

We went to her place for dinner. The tension was palpable as we cleaned up and I found some school-related excuse to leave promptly. I called her the next day. She had to go and I didn’t apologize for the previous night. I highly recommend learning how to say you’re sorry, if you don’t already. Practice in the mirror, on random strangers you’ve purposely offended, or on friends. Don’t allow yourself the luxury of thinking there are so many people in the world that it’s okay to be offensive and walk away. I wish I hadn’t.

I’ve not seen Jessica since. I wonder how she liked the bacon. I really hope she didn’t microwave it.

My pain, your gain!

Seth

#4

5 Ways I’ve Ruined Dates

If you’ve ever been on an internet dating site (I’m nearly certain you have!) then you’re at least aware of the profiles that seem too good to be true. This one seemed just that. She was tall, perfectly-built, seemed to have intellectual capacity and a sense of humor…and she lived nearby. The night we finally went on a date, I’d been working for the past four days straight and could barely function.

Don’t go on dates when you’re too exhausted to be yourself.

We went to a local restaraunt neither of us had been to before and were soon engrossed in conversation. I’d like to stress the grossness, because it was horrific.

My online goddess had morphed into a mean little sister ranting about how much she hated her older sister and went into detailed description of exactly what her sister looked like naked.

It’s a bad sign if you’re on a date and the conversation trails toward the nudity of siblings. If it starts to, change the topic.

I didn’t have the energy to turn the conversation so I tried to watch her mouth move instead of listening to her words. Yes, I know that sounds terribly cold of me, but I was knee-deep in a family rant and all I wanted was to go to sleep in a dark, cool room without this person near me.

As the evening wore on, we discovered a list of commonalities that would have put fire into any other date. But not this. Not this date with a woman I had somehow inspired to delve the parts of her family that made her most angry.

Even if you, for some reason, take a phone call from a distressed relative, do not share it with your date. Get out of the conversation and move back to more pleasant things. Continued impressions last longest and a date filled with pleasant interactions will do the most to fuel a line-up of later meetings.

The coffee was wearing off. It was getting late and she had to get up early to go horse-riding so it wasn’t too hard, thankfully, to get the check and pay. She didn’t offer to pay. She’d ranted about not being allowed to pay for things and wanting to be independent, but she didn’t offer to pay.

I typically go by a whoever invites, pays rule. This was not the case with another date, but that’s another thing!

As we drove down one of the roads near her house, I failed to notice an upcoming turn. There were no streetlights to illuminate the line of trees that jumped into the headlights of my car as my tired brain worked to process everything at once. There was squealing of brakes and a mental gnashing of teeth as I stopped the car in a cloud of gravel dust and turned to make sure my date was okay. For once, her eyes were wide and her mouth was a narrow line.

Perhaps my excellent exhausted-driver skills had taught her a lesson in priorities and she felt a new freedom in her personal and family life. Perhaps she hadn’t noticed anything the entire night. Maybe she was simply one of those profiles you see on online dating sites that you know are just too good to be true.

I deleted my profile the next day.

I couldn’t help but feeling a void that might have been filled with healing sleep. Next time I’ll take a taxi and know when it’s time to call it quits.

Have you run into any online terrors? I’d love to read about them!

~Seth

#2
5 Ways I’ve Ruined Dates