Note: Have a question about romance, love, sex, or relationships that you’d like to have answered in an upcoming article? Click here to submit your question.

Waiting Longingly wrote in with this question. Well, a story and a question:

There is this girl i met last semester. I saw her while we were in a study room of 4, my friend and i, and the girl and her friend. I started developing a genuine interest in her and just could not resist her. We are at the same University, she is a freshman and i am a sophomore,anyways, since that day when we all met at the study room, each time i run into her, i just hug her, ask her how she is doing, and go my way.

I am a very shy person, so i was extremely nervous each time i saw her, and as much as i tried to control my nerves, it just would get the better of me.But as i said, each time i saw her i hugged her, and we just had brief chats and i went my way.That was towards the end of last semester, so we ran into each other about 3 times since we have different schedules.Anyways, so at the start of this semester, i saw her on the first day of school, together with her friend, we hugged, i wished them a happy new year, and went to class because i was in a hurry.

A day later, my friend told me he saw her, and while they were talking, she asked him how i was doing. A week after that i saw her together with her friend at the school caffeteria, but to my utter suprise, she first made like she didn’t see me, then just said hi and continued talking with her friend. Then 2 hours after, i ran into her again, this time with her friend, and hugged them both, i asked her how she was doing, and she said, she’s ok. But the snub at the caffeteria left me downbeat, and discouraged to even initiate more conversation.

Anyway i want to know what mistakes i might have made, and if i still have a chance of still getting her, and if so, how do i go about, trying to get her number, and hanging out with her, and hopefully having her as my girlfriend eventually.Another minor obstacle is that, each time i run into her she is with her friend and it is hard to initiate a conversation with a girl in such situations.Then yesterday, i met her friend and was talking to her, but she did not sound interested in the conversation as she used too.Please i really need advice on this situation Thanks!

Waiting Longingly

WL, that was quite a long explanation. Unless this girl likes reading Russian novels, you’ll not do well in attempting written correspondence with her. Anyway, you say you’re a shy dude and yet you walked up to this girl, said hello, and dished the physical in prompt form. That, my unwary friend, is not the sign of shyness. Your problem doesn’t seem to be shyness. If anything, you’ve been too friendly around this girl.

What do I mean by that? It’s very simple. If you like a girl, and you seemed to like this one initially, then you pay her more attention than you do anybody or anything around her. Are you supposed to be polite to her friends? Yes. Are you supposed to initiate physical contact with her friends? No! But you did, WL. You went and hugged all over her friends and met up with them and gave them loving you should have reserved for your one and only.

If you walk up to her now and ask her out, you know what she’ll most likely say? “oooh, WL, that’s really sweet of you but I value your friendship a LOT and I wouldn’t want to risk losing that by dating.” Unless you like the sound of that, it’s probably time you moved on. The world is full of women for you to hug, WL. Just make sure you’re only hugging one until she gives you explicit instructions to do otherwise.

Blue With Fear wrote in with an amazing situation:

Hi Simon, an ex I haven’t seen in 2 years recently sent me a prepaid cellphone via FedEx with minutes on it and a note that said “call me” and included a phone number and her name. What am I supposed to do? I don’t really miss her. I suppose she might have found out I was getting a divorce because I was slow in changing my Facebook settings. Otherwise, I’m not sure what she’s up to or what I should do about this. Help!

BWF, if a woman sent me a burner phone with minutes on it and I had no interest in calling her, you know what I’d do? I’d call my mother, talk until the minutes were up, and move on with my life. I don’t call my mother often enough and I know she’d appreciate the gesture. Of course, there’s a possibility that your ex has rigged the phone to explode when her number is dialed and calling her will leave you maimed or dead. What’s worse, she might just want to get you on the phone so she can woo you back into her clutches.

But perhaps you were the douchebag and she was right to be rid of you. Perhaps she’s in a bad spot and you were the only person she could think to get in touch with and not risk another “I’m naked in front of this person for the first time” experience. Perhaps you’d be doing her a favor by keeping your evil self out of her life? That’s something only you can know for sure, BWF. I suggest calling your mother and getting on with your life.

Readers, feel free to add your thoughts if you like and don’t forget to submit a question of your own!

by Zeke Hillyard

A lot of people think HIV is simply a “gay thing.”

Therefore, a quick bit of mind candy: Over half the world’s HIV/AIDS cases are women. A simple math deduction demonstrates that there are a lot more heterosexual people with HIV than not. Because of that, this topic needs a more universal treatment. A great magazine called POZ (found at www.poz.com), does a great job of this, but its usual audience is people who are already HIV positive.

I’m 36 now, gay, and married (or not, depending on the current status of Proposition 8). It wasn’t always that way. Once I was 28, alone, insecure and afraid the day I got the phone call during which I was informed I was HIV positive. I’m still insecure and sometimes afraid; however, I’ve learned I’m never alone.

Because we so rarely talk about HIV in a casual sense, the acronyms become a series of scary letters one associates with disease and death; the discrimination is insidious, and yet clear. Dating advertisements request “drug, disease free” people for dating. Read the full story

by Emma Frisoni

I recently had a girlfriend ask me for advice. A guy she met through work asked her if she’d meet up with him for dinner at a new restaurant opening in his neighborhood.

There’s just one issue: The guy seems pretty interested but my girlfriend isn’t especially attracted to him. I see two options for her:

1. She asks if it’s okay if a friend comes along. (kinda smarmy – I know)

Read the full story

Remember that old line about girls being sugar, spice, and everything nice? Elizabeth Lambert saw that societal mold coming and extended one of her long, muscular legs for a perfect trip. How? By playing soccer like a boy:

(If you ask me, the ponytail maneuver was pretty bold. She didn’t get a yellow card for that though. Not condoning her actions, but I love her pep and think the Refs were sleeping.)

Most guys aren’t interested in dating women like Elizabeth, Condoleezza, Hillary, or Michelle. Why? Because strong women with talent, focus, and goals are intimidating to those who aren’t so well equipped. Not just to men, but to people in general. It’s not just that men are avoiding strong women. Guys tend to avoid spending time with other guys who are much smarter, stronger, or somehow better-equipped than they are. Read the full story

The car pulled away as the tears streamed down my face, stars shining brightly as headlights faded. It was over. I pulled my sweater closer around my thin frame and shivered as the realization sank in – alone. again. It was my fault, I didn’t let him in. I tried to keep it all to myself. As I trudged up the stairs to numb my pain with the usual glass of red and a cigarette, I wondered, “Will I ever break the cycle?”

Every person I’ve ever loved has left me – by their own volition or by my pushing them away.  The feeling that I’ll never quite live up is woven through the fiber of my being, causing doubt and fear to sweep in and take over. I end up like a turtle, hiding in my shell wishing life weren’t like this and wondering why me?

Instead of turning to the tried and true wine + cigarettes, I find new ways to pull myself out of these days of darkness, because they always seem to creep up on me when I’m least expecting it. Here are a few of my favorite suggestions for what to do when he leaves:

• Retail Therapy: I’m not advocating spending $3,000 in a day (although it can be – and has been -  done), but more the act of window shopping and buying yourself one thing that makes you happy. I’m a tactile person, so perusing bright accessories and feeling different surfaces makes me happy. Mint Julep always has fun stuff and Michael’s Crafts is always a great place to spend time, which brings me to my next solution… Read the full story

by Emma Frisoni

I believe
When it hurts
We must keep on trying
But I want, And I need
Like a river needs the rain
There’s a bridge I need to burn before I leave
I just wanna breathe again
Like a summer’s day I need to feel the heat again

Since we’re being honest with one another here, I may as well be straight – I love Cher. She’s fabulous. Yes, she dresses kinda ridiculously and her hair is freakishly straight, but her music speaks to me. Like belt-it-out-at-the-top-of-my-lungs type of speaks to me. It fills me with wonder and enthusiasm and most importantly, hope. Somehow, she makes me believe that after all the pain and suffering, I’ll be alive again.

So, it’s without surprise that when I’m jetting around town, I blast her greatest hits – be it in Betty (yes, my car has a name) or on my gams, it’s Cher all the way. On this particular day I was zipping around in Betty and with it being a nice day and all, I had the top down. I was blasting

singing like it was my day job at a stop light. Mid head-roll I glance over at the car beside me and the hottest guy is behind the wheel. Laughing. At me.

I mean smoldering hot – dark hair, dark eyes, white polo.

And I mean LAUGHING. Hearing Cher’s words - I know I’ll be alive again/I wanna be alive again – I thought “what else is there to do?” so I turned to Hot Stuff, winked and laughed.

The light turned green and I sped off, horribly embarrassed.

I was on my way to Neiman’s sale but needed an espresso frappuccino light first so I pulled into Starbucks, grabbed my clutch and ran in. While waiting for the barista to whip up my liquid cocaine, I felt a light tap on my shoulder.

Holy crap.

Hot Stuff was standing behind me, smiling. I felt the blush creep up my neck and spread across my face. “Although, the type of music leaves something to be desired, it’s nice to see a girl who can laugh at herself,” he said.

Breathe, Emma, breathe.

“Um, thanks. But have you listened to Cher, like really listened to her?” I retorted.

Seriously Emma, why did you just say that?!

“Can’t say I have,” said Hot Stuff.

“Oh, you should give it a listen”

Seriously? Stop. Talking. Now. “

Quad tall espresso frappuccino light” the barista called from the bar.

“Oh, that’s me. Great talking to you” I grabbed my drink and hightailed it out of there.

Thinking back, I wish I had been cool enough to say something incredibly smart or asked for his number. What I was able to do was more important then sounding cool. I was able to laugh. And while I thought about it, I realized, albeit slowly, I was becoming alive again. Thank you Cher, and Hot Stuff, for reminding me that there is life after love.

photo credit: desiree delgado

Finding life after love: “Alive again” from @emmafrisoni at The Dating Papers

by Emma Frisoni

Ever get the feeling you’re being too picky about a guy?

We were at La Voile, dining on whatever it is one eats when they go to a French restaurant. Tucker had ordered for both of us, in flawless French, so I had no idea what was on my plate. It was delicious though!

He had impeccable manners – brought me flowers, opened doors, pulled out my chair, etc. The conversation didn’t lack either, we debated President Obama’s first months in office (he: skeptical, me: impressed) and then the talk drifted to our childhood heroes (he: Superman me: She-ra Princess of Power).

Fast forward 2 days: A delivery of cupcakes from Party Favors and an invitation to dinner on Saturday night. I called Lanie right away so we could munch on fantastic cupcakes, sip pink prosecco and discuss The Problem.

What problem? Yes, there was one.  I just didn’t feel it.

The butterflies, the excitement, all the things the princesses experience in the fairy tales we read as little girls and dream about as we grow up. It wasn’t there.  He was intelligent, good looking, sweet and did all the things our ‘princes’ are supposed to do. But he wasn’t MY prince.  Not for lack of trying, and certainly not because he wasn’t worthy, but because I didn’t feel those butterflies that ‘everyone’ talks about.

As Lanie and I munched our way towards a sugar high of monumental proportions, we pondered if the butterflies really meant something or if the fairy tales we dreamed of as girls had led us to a romantic lifetime of disappointment.

This wasn’t the first guy I’d stopped seeing because I didn’t feel the butterflies, but Tucker was the first ‘perfect’ guy I gave up for no apparent good reason.  Since he wasn’t my prince, did that make him a frog?  If so, did I cast off an intelligent, good looking sweet frog just because he was a frog?

As women, we’re conditioned to settle for nothing less than perfect.  In some areas of life this makes us quite successful. (I still get compliments on those Chanel pumps I suffered a black eye for down in Filene’s Basement when that bitch claimed she had them first) In others, we become so engrossed in what society has taught us is ‘right’ that we look past the good guys and toward the unattainable.

The importance of “chemistry” in a relationship is something I wonder about often. How much do the sparks really matter in the end? Have you ever “settled” for a frog that later turned into a prince?

I’d love to know your thoughts!

Love, Emma

Kissing Frogs and Chemistry | The Dating Papers

photo credits: mait jurado, jay

You love the way he smiles, and he might just be the smartest man you’ve ever dated. In your mind you’ve already cast him in the role of Prince Charming in your tale of Happily Ever After. (Insert dreamy music here.)

Not so fast, sister.

Before you start painting your white picket fence, you need to take this relationship on the road. Some character traits only become obvious when you’re away from your regular routine, and you need to know these things before you give him a key to your place, much less your heart. Read the full story

By Jef Nance, former police interrogator and author of the book Conquering Deception©

How can you tell when somebody is lying to you?

Deception abounds in media, business, and social circles, but it’s most destructive in personal relationships. Why? Because we’re most susceptible to deception from the people we trust most. Trust breeds comfort and causes us to let our defenses go down. That’s as it should be—but it makes us vulnerable to a spouse or partner when they find a need to deceive us.

The danger with deception is that everyone lies, but few of us use effective techniques to find the truth. After all, they didn’t teach us this stuff in school, did they?

Most of us fail to detect lies by relying on one of three techniques:

1. Gut instinct -”I just know she’s lying” (worthless).
2. Myth - Techniques that have been passed around for years – “liars won’t look you in the eye” (worse).
3. Home-brewed – Techniques we’ve erroneously placed our faith in, i.e. ”John gets that little crease in his brow every time he lies” (worse yet).

Why would my partner want to deceive me?

Deception is typically used in personal relationships for self-preservation. We’ve done something we don’t want the other to know about, so we conceal it.

A less-obvious variation: Lying to save another person’s feelings—a little more benevolent, but still a form of self-preservation. Consider this: When they ask our opinion, how eager are we to tell our partner we don’t like what they’re wearing? A lie at one of these moments preserves all.

Body language is the buzz-word of the “deception industry” and it has some limited validity, but think of this:

How do people lie? With their bodies… or with their words?

People may reveal information through body movements, but they use words to deceive us—and so words hold the greatest power to reveal that deception. To go even deeper, here’s a little secret that few appreciate: Whether your aim is to influence, create rapport, or get at the truth, nothing gives you more power in conversation than having a mastery of how to ask questions—and knowing how to interpret what you get back.

5 Questions To Ask If You Think Your Partner Is Lying:

1. Did They Hesitate?

The average person probably subscribes to my Deception Myth #11: “A person who hesitates is lying.” (false) Here’s the real deal: To judge whether a person who hesitates before answering is deceptive, we have to consider the nature of our question. Some questions naturally require a moment of thought. For example: “What did you eat for lunch last Tuesday?” (Draws on memory) or “Who do you think will win the next presidential race?” (Draws on imagination.)

If, on the other hand, you asked, “Did you talk to Janet this morning?” there should be no hesitation—unless the person is considering a deceptive response. Because this question concerns fact, and a very recent event, an honest person shouldn’t need to hesitate before giving you the answer.

Hesitation can be a very reliable sign of deception, just be sure to consider the question; is it reasonable that a person would need just a moment to come up with the answer?

2. Did They Avoid A Direct Response?

Given that I told you “everyone” uses deception, it might surprise you that I now tell you this: People usually tell the truth. The catch? Here’s my Deception Myth #46: Telling the truth is not the same as being honest. Believe it or not, people avoid outright lying if they can. One alternative to lying is to speak the truth while avoiding subjects they’d rather conceal from you.

So rather than lie, a person who wants to keep something from you can simply change the subject, give an indirect answer, or even tell the truth—while leaving out the details he doesn’t want you to know. This way he accomplishes the deception and avoids the tricky and dangerous sport of lying.

An example: Now, I wasn’t in Phoenix last weekend, but suppose I wanted you to believe that I was. If you were to ask me, “Jef, did you have fun in Phoenix last weekend?” I could reply, “I always have fun in Phoenix, I love that city. Have you ever been there?”

Without actually telling a lie, I confirmed your belief that I was in Phoenix simply by avoiding the question. People routinely avoid what they don’t want to discuss and will often divert you by throwing a question back at you, as I just did… so it’s up to you to notice when they violate this next question:

3. Did They Answer or Just Respond?

Most folks don’t notice when their questions go unanswered. Many times we get a response, rather than a substantive answer. When you fail to pick up on non-answers, you leave yourself open to the tactic of avoidance I mentioned with the last question.

So why do we fail to notice when a person gives a response instead of an answer? Because most of us are so consumed with our own thoughts and what we’re going to say next that we just don’t listen well. A lot of these non-answer responses sound intelligent, may be lengthy, and address something, just not the question we asked. We get distracted by what is said and fail to notice that they avoided our question. Watch any political news conference and you’ll see masters at work. Politicians rarely give direct answers. It’s even more seldom that they’re called out for their indirect answers.

In all fairness, sometimes people fail to give a substantive answer because of their own internal distractions. It’s not that they’re being deceptive. They just aren’t listening so well themselves and are consumed with what they want to say. I’ve always had a “3 Strikes & You’re Out” policy. If a person fails to give a direct answer on the same subject three times, it’s safe to conclude they don’t want to address it.

Always ask yourself, “Was that an answer… or a response?

4. Did They Revisit the Question?

Back when I was a police detective interrogating crooks, I had a burglary suspect in my office one day. It was just the two of us, the door was closed, and there were no distractions. We were eye-to-eye just feet apart. I asked him in a clear voice, “Did you break into the house?” He hesitated, then said, “Who, me?”

This is an example that embodies the first three questions all rolled into one! He hesitated, he avoided giving an honest answer, and he gave me a response instead of an answer. If you ask your partner a simple, direct question (you always should), and there’s no logical reason for them to have not heard you clearly, they’re buying time to think through their options by revisiting your question. If a person says, “Could you say that again?”, “What?”, or repeats your question back to you verbatim, they’re Revisiting the Question. Stick with it. You’re onto something.

5. Did You Ask For A Lie?

Rather than a technique for spotting deception, this one’s actually a pitfall that can inadvertently land you in deeper chaos if you don’t avoid it.

No one likes being lied to or deceived. (The ego is fierce beast, isn’t it?) When we know about something “bad” our partner has done, we already feel wronged. Especially in personal relationships, we often know the truth already. Rather than exploring, we’re testing. Deep down we want them to fail the test. So instinct (and ego) leads us to ask a question that’s unwittingly designed to get them to lie to us.

When they predictably lie, now we have two offenses against us:

1. The action that inspired our question.
2. Their lie about it… which we needlessly invited.

If you already know the truth, don’t ask about it. Instead, tell them what you know with absolute confidence and certainty. Then move on to addressing the issue. Hard as it may be, a great way to do this is by demonstrating some empathy and allowing them to save face. Depending on the circumstances, lines like, “We all make mistakes,” or “I can understand why it seemed right at the time,” or “I just want to know why you did it,” can ease the way for their owning up.

The idea of reading body language is alluring, but the underlying key to spotting deception? Listening. Speak less, keep your ears open, and notice the subtleties in what people say to you.

What you’ll find is that they’re giving you more information than they realize, and more than they intended.

For more from Jef Nance, a former police interrogator, pick up a copy of his book, Conquering Deception©, check out his blog and follow him Twitter!

What about you? Have you ever caught a partner in a lie? What happened?

Did you like this article? Feel free to Stumble it or click to share with your friends on Twitter. Thanks!

photos via flickr: kk,af,vb,lb

 ”Vincent in Boston” wrote in to ask: 

“Seth, I saw the most incredible girl on the T (subway/metro) this evening. She had the greatest vibe. It wasn’t just that she was hot. Even the way she sorta-danced to the music (I assume) playing through her earphones had me hooked. How can I talk to women like that? I’m an okay-looking dude, but it’s not like women flock to me. I’m good at talking once I’m started. I just don’t know how to start random conversations with women I’d love nothing more than to talk to. Help me out, bro!” 

(Ladies, this will work for you, too. Just translate genders as-needed)

First off, Vincent, I know the exact feeling! It’s hard enough to build up the courage to walk up and say something to a beautiful woman without the added pressure of thinking she’s going to shoot you down immediately. And yet, most of us can recall a time or two when exactly that happened.

Why do you fail when we try to talk to women? We fail because we’re trained to start conversations based on shared interests, common values, and circumstances. This training puts us on a path to failure because it forces us to make assumptions about complete strangers. It’s no wonder we get negative responses when we try to connect based on those assumptions. Nobody likes being put in a box! After multiple failures, we start believing that there’s a problem with us when the real problem is with the technique. Consider these examples of common failures: (we’ll use the name “Meghan” for the sake of example)

1. Meghan is wearing a Yankees baseball cap. Vincent says, “Hey, I like the Yankees, too. Imagine that!” – (Assuming a common interest) – She might not like the Yankees or even baseball for that matter. Vincent would do just as well to state the color of her shoes, Captain Obvious. On top of that, ending a “first sentence” with anything but a question mark spells failure. 
2. Meghan is standing in line at micro-brand coffee shop. Vincent will probably try, “So, you’re a fan of fair trade products too?” – (Assuming a shared value) – A lot of people frequent small coffee shops because the 8am lines at Starbucks are too long. Vincent improves by asking a question but there’s still an assumption. Conversation is dead. Ceased to exist.
3. Meghan is standing next to Vincent on a crowded public transit car. Things couldn’t be better for Vincent. He has a captive audience. But what will he say? We can expect him to make a comment on the the weather, the crowded car, or the rising cost of transportation (Circumstance). Meghan will probably reply, at best, or grimace and turn away, at worst. 

Sound like something you’ve experienced before? Perhaps it sounds like you? The important thing is to recognize the problem, understand the past, and think smart about the future. 

Here’s one way to start a conversation with any woman, any place: 

Step 1 – Create A Context

Start your conversation with a question that requires a substantial answer. Check your question against the following test before trying it on Meghan.

• Is the question crowd-friendly? (Avoid topics like Family planning, animal testing, most political topics)
• Does the question invite multiple responses? (“Do you like the color red”=fail, “What should I buy my Mom for Mother’s Day”=WIN)
• Do I have a follow-up question in mind? (If the first question fails, do you have a back-up topic?)

Just like American Idol, if you get three yes’s, you’re going to Hollywood! Once you have your question in mind, look for a lead-in. An excuse, if you will, to ask your question. If nothing comes immediately to mind, just introduce yourself and jump right into the question.

Mother’s day is upon us. (Ladies, you can use this for Father’s day) That means that today is THE perfect day for you to try this technique out. How? Spot an attractive and sober female. (If you don’t like females, translate) Walk up to her and create the context by leading into your question. 

“Hi, I’m Seth. (Move along quickly) I couldn’t help but notice you’ve got a cool sense of style.” 

(She knows what my name is and I’ve given her an easy compliment. If she doesn’t want to like me by now, she’s at least ready to listen.)

Step 2 – Call For Help

Follow your lead-in by requesting her help with something easy and friendly. (Picking out lingerie=fail, buying presents for relatives=win)

“Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I’m not sure what to get my mom. She’s a cool lady but I have no idea what to get for somebody who has everything already. What would you recommend?” 

What is your underlying statement? You’re aware of the holiday, you appreciate your mom but aren’t codependent, and you’re willing to ask for help. (These are all wins, good job!)

(Meghan will, if she’s not late for an appointment and you’ve showered recently, give you some advice on what to get your mom.) You’ve successfully navigated a postive interaction with Meghan. Now what? 

Step 3 – Follow Through

Express thanks for the help and cut away to another topic. The conversation is started, now’s your time to follow up with things that interest you besides cleavage (Don’t stare). If you see Meghan regularly (perhaps you travel the same way to work, get coffee at the same place, etc), cut away as soon as she gives you the advice. Why? Because you’ll be leaving with your next conversation ready to go! The next time you run into Meghan you’ll be locked and loaded with an update on how the thing she helped you with turned out. 

“Hey, (make sure you get her name and remember it for next time, we’ll go over some tricks for this soon)! Thanks for the help. You made me look really, really good. My mom said she liked [suggested gift/action] so much that she’d forgive me for stealing the car when I was 12!”

Meghan laughs. She likes that you remember her name (REALLY likes it) and asks about what you stole the car for.

Look at you. You’re having a conversation with a beautiful woman who might just rock your world. 

Good luck, Vincent! (Ladies, this will work just as well for you.) Give it a try and let me know how things work out! 

When was the last time you assumed something about a stranger only to be proven entirely wrong? Drop me a comment with your story! 

photo: mfr