How do you stop impulsively sending texts, calling, and reconnecting with the ex’s who make you miserable? Here’s my story:
“The Frown Brigade? There’s got to be a story behind this!” Said Mya, the wizardess helping me transfer phone numbers into a new phone.
“The Frown Brigade” was a group of numbers in my phone dedicated to all the ex’s I still spoke with on occasion. When I was feeling down, I would call one of them and always feel worse after our conversation.
Why don’t we call ex’s when we’re feeling great? Why not when things are going well and we don’t feel lonely?
You never call an ex when you’re feeling great. It’s always when you’re feeling low, drunk, sad, or miserable that you reach out to one. You know the situation. No matter what your ex is doing when she picks up the phone, it sounds amazing compared to your life.
Case in point: One solitary evening about 2 years ago. I was sitting on the couch, being miserable and lonely. All my friends were busy so I called HER.
Me: “Hi, it’s Seth.”
HER: “I know, Seth, what’s up? Are you okay?” (She was asking out of common courtesy. Of course, I took her question to mean that she still cared).
Me: “I’m good. You know, been busy. What have you been up to?”
Her: “Oh, that’s good to hear! I’m really glad, Seth. I’ve got to go though. I’m making a peanut butter sandwich. I’m glad you called!”
::beep::
At first, I was angry at the peanut butter sandwich for being more interesting and sexy than me. Then I realized that my ex had simply dealt with me politely and moved on with her evening. I wanted to know how to do that.
After many workouts, countless conversations with honest friends and willing strangers, and a few mishaps: Here are five concepts I have successfully used to alleviate the powers of an ex. (These won’t work as well for you amazing creatures called single parents, I’m sorry)
1. Accept that getting over an ex can be an incredibly painful experience.
The more fully you can accept each part of the task you face, the better you’ll be at handling the low points and failures you encounter in the process. Getting over the heartache of a failed relationship is hard work.
You’ll need to enlist the help of friends, family, perhaps even a few strangers to get through this difficult time. It’s okay to ask for help. We’ve all been in your shoes and suffered with feelings remarkably similar to the ones you’re feeling right now.
**a quick note on the Dude Rule about crying: Guys, it’s okay to cry around your friends if you’re torn up about losing a girl. Just don’t do it in public and don’t do it more than once around the same friends.**
2. Remove any trace of contact information.
Delete the phone numbers. Block her on every social media platform you can. (Facebook, etc) Think of it as taking all the crack out of your house. You want to get over the addiction, don’t store crack in your house and don’t keep an ex’s phone number! If you truly want to get over your ex, you need to first convince yourself that it’s something you want to do. The physical action of removing contact information is a big step but it’s necessary if you want to begin the healing process.
3. Set up your own “Phone a Friend” lifeline.
If you want to lose weight, it’s important to have healthy food around your house so it’s easy to choose good food instead of the greasy stuff. The same rule (that of having healthy choices) applies to getting over an ex! Find a friend who will commit to talking you “away from the edge” whenever you get the urge to contact your ex. Having a healthy alternative to contacting your ex means picking up the phone when you’re sad isn’t a bad thing. You were just going to call your friend, right? Riiiight?
When you’re healed and happy, make sure you take time to show your friend how much you appreciate the help!
4. Do not let your ex make you fat.
Increase your level of exercise immediately following a break up. I once committed to adding an hour to my workout each time I called a particular ex. We’ll call her The Dragon for convenience. After working out for 5 hours following one evening of weakness, I was ready to move on with my life…slowly and painfully. After a few weeks of intense workouts, I was faster, thinner, and sleeping through the night. I also had more confidence and energy.
When you’re faster, thinner, and sleeping well, you’ll find it’s much, much easier to meet new people who make you smile. Don’t worry about those people now, though. Just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. You’ll make it!
5. Stop waiting to get over your ex.
I have sat alone for days, moping like a scorned princess in a tower, and it did not make me happy. When I realized that I should be celebrating my release from something that was making me unhappy, I was able to move forward. Go ahead and mourn for awhile, but do not let the goblin of your failed relationship gnaw on your smile. You had a life before you met your ex. Remember it? You had fun then. You smiled. You spent time with friends and laughed at little things.
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Everybody in the small wireless store had stopped to listen to my conversation with Mya.
“Shall I transfer all the numbers but these, then?” She asked.
“Yes,” I agreed. “I think I’ll be just fine without them.”
And I was.
I wish you all the best as you move away from the relationships that drag you down. It can be a fierce battle, I know. But if you make a decision to rid your life of the people who drag you down and enlist your friends to help, you will triumph!
Have you found something that has served you well in getting over an ex? Please share in a comment for others to learn from. Thank you!
Seth
Further reading: What to do when he leaves
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