One recent Thanksgiving conversation with my uncles turned to desperately racist jokes. Always game for discussion, I called my uncle out on his joke. His response? “I’m the most tolerant person you’ll ever meet.” I’ve continued to think about his response and how, to him, being tolerant was enough.

If you want to build relationships that are structured to be rewarding in the long term, you’ll learn to be more than tolerant. You’ll learn to accept.

Tolerance has been tossed around a lot in recent years as political, religious, and racial groups discuss how others must tolerate differing agendas, beliefs, and cultures. But toleration brings with it the idea that what you’re tolerating is something inferior. You might tolerate a differing opinion, or you could accept it as an idea while choosing to disagree with it. See the difference? To illustrate: Read the full story

I make no claims at understanding anybody fully. Instead, I see many people as possessing what I term “user manuals” that have useful information regarding that person. As you get to know somebody, you “add pages” to the manual you have on them and gain a better understanding of how they work and what keeps them in happy working order. Just as changing the oil regularly applies as a good practice in the maintenance of most cars, so there are some things that can be broadly applied to people. I’m more than happy to hear from exceptions. For the record, referring to a SigOt individually with use of automotive terms will not gain you points.

That said: The Deal With Ladies & Their Fascination With Clicky Shoes (Plus, what you can learn from this relationship!) Read the full story

One of the dangers of dating a lot is the tendency to move toward the trap of the ritual. The stereotypes have expanded, but keep their general shape:

• Watch a movie–This has taken new forms as live music, plays, and speakers become more common. They’re all pretty bad options unless you’ve got something planned alongside the activity that allows you to get to know your date better. Even if you were just planning to have sex after the movie, knowing the other person better can make your heartless copulation a more fulfilling experience. At the same time, if you like to keep things vague and enjoy spending extra time finding out if you’re compatible with somebody, just watch that movie!
• Go to dinner–I love food so I can’t knock this too much. But sometimes its good to break away from the evening date. Places like lunchdates.com have tried to access this with a site that pairs up singles for short afternoon dates. I like evening dates after date #3 (See Recycled Dates) when I already know somebody a bit. Otherwise, never waste a weekend evening on somebody you don’t know. A failed afternoon or morning date just fuels the conversation that night with friends. An evening date gone bad and you’ve just put yourself to bed alone and in a bad mood! Save the romantic dinners for date #4 or better when you known your efforts won’t go wasted.
  
• Hang out with a group of friends belonging to either of you. This might seem like it would make it easier to get to know the other person, except you may be allowing yourself to get lost in the relational shuffle. I remember one time I hung out with a girl for the first time while at a party she was hosting with her housemates. Apparently, she’d told all her buddies that I was probably the funniest guy they’d ever meet. I showed up tired and unwilling to chase the laughs of complete strangers. Not a fun evening!

As a subtext: if you get the chance, find out if your intended SigOt is the pretty boy/girl of their social group. Guys can be easier to deal with because they often accept that their buff buddy may get more dates…not the same with the ladies. Do not expect the friends of your new perfection to allow you access to their princess without first submitting to a critique fit for a presidential candidate!

That said, stay away from obvious fires and try to mix things up! You’ll have more fun and will subsequently present a more attractive side to your date. A few suggestions?

1. Take a cooking class. Most high schools have evening classes that are often very inexpensive while still being very informative.
2. Find a street fair. Crazy people lurk at these and it can be fun to watch them while eating highly suspect oily food. This sort of thing will appeal more to the cowboy boot-wearing girl who laughed in your face at the suggestion of taking a vegan cooking class. 
   

   Photo by Ed Reardon

3. Make up a story about needing to do community service…plant some flowers with the local garden club…then admit that you didn’t want her to think that you were playing an angle, that you don’t actually have community service as a felon, and that you just really like flowers. On second thought, only say the part about being a felon if you have a sense of humor, timing, and delivery.

Good luck!

Seth

Photo by nyki m

The notion that people can be friends after breaking up is a lot like alchemy. Many people have tried it over the years and yet we still find ourselves digging into mountains to find real gold. The following won’t get you any brownie points, but they will put a dramatic touch on the end of your relationship. Good luck!

1. Send her mother flowers and a note requesting that she tell her daughter that things just aren’t working out and you’re sorry.
2. Have a cake sent to her work and do the deed in frosting. Sending flowers that represent rejection (thanks, J!) may also help things along.
3. Invite her to your place for dinner. Promise to cook something fantastic. If she has keys to your place, have the locks changed. Give your cell phone to your neighbor with an explanation. It’s key that she hear your phone ringing nearby when she calls it to find you. Spend your evening with friends and enjoy yourself!
4. Send a letter detailing your intended break up and reasons to a bad address and use your new ex’s current address as for the return. The letter will be returned to its “sender” and she’ll be single and confused.
5. Buy her a puppy and have it delivered to her house. Make sure it has a lovely little collar with “ doesn’t love you anymore. Give your love to me!”
6. Confess your love for her best friend.
7. Take her out for drinks. Find the grossest drunkest guy you can and tell him that “that woman over there” said she thinks he’s cute and that you know she’s very much single.
8. Call her brother. Tell him you’re gay and ask to start seeing him. This will only have the desired effect if he’s straight.
9. Take the facebook/myspace craze to a new level and get one of her friends to post a note about how you told this friend that you were breaking up that night.
10. Break up with her over the phone and call her by the wrong name in the process.

Do not blame me if one of the above backfires on you and a wedding ensues. Stranger things have happened. Just know that the more she hates you at the moment you break up, the more quickly she’ll get over you.

What do you think?

Seth