How do you survive a broken relationship and learn to move forward with your life? I asked Alternative Rock musician Chris Blake to share his recent break-up experience. You can read his story below and listen/download his latest song “Happiness”.
As most of my friends on Twitter know, I was recently forced to confront the break-up of my marriage.
Almost immediately, I began to wonder about the deep pain caused by the loss of a loved one.
What’s the point of feeling it if there’s nothing you can do about it? Why do we feel it if it gets in the way of making decisions that will ultimately make us happier?
I found myself Googling more questions, such as:
“Why do our hearts break?”
“Can you die from a broken heart?”
“Is emotional pain worse than physical pain?”
And then, I did what all songwriters do when faced with so many questions but not so many answers (sorry, Google): I wrote a song.
Listen to my song, “Happiness” and download it for free if you like it
I can’t say it provided any answers either, but it gave me something to work on when I didn’t have the heart to work on anything. And now, as I begin to reap the benefits of time and truly accept the break-up, my new life, and a revised family structure, I’ve got something I can show the world that goes beyond a few funny digs or philosophical ramblings on Twitter.
More importantly, I’ve got renewed faith in my ability to forge my own future. If I can write a song during a period of great grief, then perhaps I can go on to build other new things in my life as well.
Perhaps I did get some answers after all. I hope you enjoy the song! ~Chris
Time doesn’t heal all diseases, but it certainly gives needed perspective. If you’re dealing with a break-up right now, here are a few reminders to help you make it through:
- Allow your heart to break into a thousands of pieces – Only when you allow yourself to reach rock-bottom will you discover the clarity of feeling solid ground again. The thing you fear, when met, is what allows you to stand again. Embrace the sadness and experience it fully. Just like it’s possible to stay in bed until the prospect of more sleep seems an impossibility, throw yourself into the exquisite pain of your loss. You’ll grow tired of the pain more quickly than you’d expect.
- Revive a previous passion – No, don’t start calling old girlfriends. We all have something we enjoyed before the relationship took first place. Think back to something that inspires you, excites you, and gives you satisfaction (if you can only think of your ex at this point, you haven’t allowed your heart to fully break yet) and put energy into bringing that joy back to life. You might not have the talent to create music like Chris (I know I don’t) but that shouldn’t stop you from pursuing your own satisfaction in a creative way.
- Replace your failed relationship with a new habit – Instead of using your free time to mourn your loss, fill it up with something you’ve been “meaning to do” for awhile. Baumeister and his colleagues at FSU propose that forming a new habit is a very similar process to that of improving a muscle’s strength and stamina. Pick your new habit and work ferociously on improving in that area. You’ll soon find that you’re spending less time thinking about how to get over your ex and more time living your life.
What advice can you offer to other readers to help them survive a break-up? What helped you make it through those first weeks of pain? Did you ever write songs? Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Also, if you have any words for Chris about his experience or “Happiness”, let him know in a comment. Thanks!
photo: lg
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