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Waiting Longingly wrote in with this question. Well, a story and a question:

There is this girl i met last semester. I saw her while we were in a study room of 4, my friend and i, and the girl and her friend. I started developing a genuine interest in her and just could not resist her. We are at the same University, she is a freshman and i am a sophomore,anyways, since that day when we all met at the study room, each time i run into her, i just hug her, ask her how she is doing, and go my way.

I am a very shy person, so i was extremely nervous each time i saw her, and as much as i tried to control my nerves, it just would get the better of me.But as i said, each time i saw her i hugged her, and we just had brief chats and i went my way.That was towards the end of last semester, so we ran into each other about 3 times since we have different schedules.Anyways, so at the start of this semester, i saw her on the first day of school, together with her friend, we hugged, i wished them a happy new year, and went to class because i was in a hurry.

A day later, my friend told me he saw her, and while they were talking, she asked him how i was doing. A week after that i saw her together with her friend at the school caffeteria, but to my utter suprise, she first made like she didn’t see me, then just said hi and continued talking with her friend. Then 2 hours after, i ran into her again, this time with her friend, and hugged them both, i asked her how she was doing, and she said, she’s ok. But the snub at the caffeteria left me downbeat, and discouraged to even initiate more conversation.

Anyway i want to know what mistakes i might have made, and if i still have a chance of still getting her, and if so, how do i go about, trying to get her number, and hanging out with her, and hopefully having her as my girlfriend eventually.Another minor obstacle is that, each time i run into her she is with her friend and it is hard to initiate a conversation with a girl in such situations.Then yesterday, i met her friend and was talking to her, but she did not sound interested in the conversation as she used too.Please i really need advice on this situation Thanks!

Waiting Longingly

WL, that was quite a long explanation. Unless this girl likes reading Russian novels, you’ll not do well in attempting written correspondence with her. Anyway, you say you’re a shy dude and yet you walked up to this girl, said hello, and dished the physical in prompt form. That, my unwary friend, is not the sign of shyness. Your problem doesn’t seem to be shyness. If anything, you’ve been too friendly around this girl.

What do I mean by that? It’s very simple. If you like a girl, and you seemed to like this one initially, then you pay her more attention than you do anybody or anything around her. Are you supposed to be polite to her friends? Yes. Are you supposed to initiate physical contact with her friends? No! But you did, WL. You went and hugged all over her friends and met up with them and gave them loving you should have reserved for your one and only.

If you walk up to her now and ask her out, you know what she’ll most likely say? “oooh, WL, that’s really sweet of you but I value your friendship a LOT and I wouldn’t want to risk losing that by dating.” Unless you like the sound of that, it’s probably time you moved on. The world is full of women for you to hug, WL. Just make sure you’re only hugging one until she gives you explicit instructions to do otherwise.

Blue With Fear wrote in with an amazing situation:

Hi Simon, an ex I haven’t seen in 2 years recently sent me a prepaid cellphone via FedEx with minutes on it and a note that said “call me” and included a phone number and her name. What am I supposed to do? I don’t really miss her. I suppose she might have found out I was getting a divorce because I was slow in changing my Facebook settings. Otherwise, I’m not sure what she’s up to or what I should do about this. Help!

BWF, if a woman sent me a burner phone with minutes on it and I had no interest in calling her, you know what I’d do? I’d call my mother, talk until the minutes were up, and move on with my life. I don’t call my mother often enough and I know she’d appreciate the gesture. Of course, there’s a possibility that your ex has rigged the phone to explode when her number is dialed and calling her will leave you maimed or dead. What’s worse, she might just want to get you on the phone so she can woo you back into her clutches.

But perhaps you were the douchebag and she was right to be rid of you. Perhaps she’s in a bad spot and you were the only person she could think to get in touch with and not risk another “I’m naked in front of this person for the first time” experience. Perhaps you’d be doing her a favor by keeping your evil self out of her life? That’s something only you can know for sure, BWF. I suggest calling your mother and getting on with your life.

Readers, feel free to add your thoughts if you like and don’t forget to submit a question of your own!

by Simon Cole

The woman I love is marrying another man this weekend.

I met Mariska at the start of our final semester in college. I’d made a mistake on my schedule and showed up for the wrong class. I walked through the lecture room door, surprised to see about 20 chairs arranged in a circle.

She sat there. It was just us. Her hiking boots shed melting snow into a slowly growing puddle at her heels. She didn’t care. She was jut there, present, waiting. There were 19 available seats.

I can’t tell you what it was that made me long to know her but I did. I chose the seat directly to her right. I sat and turned toward her.

Hi, my name is Simon.

Wow. You’re very friendly. I’m Mariska.

Not all the time. I just wanted to meet you.

There’s nobody else here to meet.

That’s true. Tell me why none of the buttons on your sweater match and I’ll leave you alone.

She did. I didn’t leave her alone.

We kept talking. Read the full story

by Emma Frisoni

I recently had a girlfriend ask me for advice. A guy she met through work asked her if she’d meet up with him for dinner at a new restaurant opening in his neighborhood.

There’s just one issue: The guy seems pretty interested but my girlfriend isn’t especially attracted to him. I see two options for her:

1. She asks if it’s okay if a friend comes along. (kinda smarmy – I know)

Read the full story

Do you have a favorite season? Most people experience seasons in a romantic relationship. In New England (the northeastern part of the United States) we have four seasons. Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. In relationships, especially long-term ones, we can observe similar seasons.

The Four Seasons of a Relationship

Spring - In the spring of a relationship, we experience the thrill of discovery, obsession, and emotional (and often, physical) penetration that precedes new growth and attachments. Springtime offers a mad rush of delightful sensations. Remember what it feels like to touch someone for the first time? The easy laughter when you got tangled in your own shirt?

Most of us are good at dealing with springtime in our relationships. We forget our past unhappiness and revel in rediscovered emotions. Springtime is easy. Read the full story

Remember that old line about girls being sugar, spice, and everything nice? Elizabeth Lambert saw that societal mold coming and extended one of her long, muscular legs for a perfect trip. How? By playing soccer like a boy:

(If you ask me, the ponytail maneuver was pretty bold. She didn’t get a yellow card for that though. Not condoning her actions, but I love her pep and think the Refs were sleeping.)

Most guys aren’t interested in dating women like Elizabeth, Condoleezza, Hillary, or Michelle. Why? Because strong women with talent, focus, and goals are intimidating to those who aren’t so well equipped. Not just to men, but to people in general. It’s not just that men are avoiding strong women. Guys tend to avoid spending time with other guys who are much smarter, stronger, or somehow better-equipped than they are. Read the full story

Congratulations! You’ve finally decided to move in with the current love of your life! It doesn’t matter if marriage, homelessness, drug addiction, or aliens brought you to share a roof with your new love. What matters is that you grasp how intricate sharing space with another person can be.

Emotional twists and turns, lost sleep, and late night cereal laughed out the nose are in your future. But what about breakfast in bed, Sunday snuggles on the couch, and surprise embraces that escalate into neighbor-worrying frolic? It takes a bit more time, care, and whimsy to consistently squeeze such joy out of a relationship.

Here are five concepts that have consistently brought joy (and, you know, other things ^^) to my relationships: Read the full story

The car pulled away as the tears streamed down my face, stars shining brightly as headlights faded. It was over. I pulled my sweater closer around my thin frame and shivered as the realization sank in – alone. again. It was my fault, I didn’t let him in. I tried to keep it all to myself. As I trudged up the stairs to numb my pain with the usual glass of red and a cigarette, I wondered, “Will I ever break the cycle?”

Every person I’ve ever loved has left me – by their own volition or by my pushing them away.  The feeling that I’ll never quite live up is woven through the fiber of my being, causing doubt and fear to sweep in and take over. I end up like a turtle, hiding in my shell wishing life weren’t like this and wondering why me?

Instead of turning to the tried and true wine + cigarettes, I find new ways to pull myself out of these days of darkness, because they always seem to creep up on me when I’m least expecting it. Here are a few of my favorite suggestions for what to do when he leaves:

• Retail Therapy: I’m not advocating spending $3,000 in a day (although it can be – and has been -  done), but more the act of window shopping and buying yourself one thing that makes you happy. I’m a tactile person, so perusing bright accessories and feeling different surfaces makes me happy. Mint Julep always has fun stuff and Michael’s Crafts is always a great place to spend time, which brings me to my next solution… Read the full story

Guys, this one’s for you:

Ladies, how would you respond if a guy you liked wrote and performed the following song for you?

I’m guessing you’d love it. Perhaps you’ve never played Mario Kart and have no idea about how much of a gift it is for somebody to take a blue shell for you. Chances are you might not dig silly yarn mustaches or even like guitars. Even so, you’d love it if a guy wrote and performed a song about how much he likes you in terms of Mario Kart. Right?

Guys, here’s why:

1. Because effort counts

Simply trying to make her happy counts for a lot. You don’t have to place your finger on the pulse of a woman’s soul in order to bring a smile to her face. Just be creative and put your heart into the effort. That said, building a 50ft tall statue of Vladimir Putin out of marshmallows in the name of love is just weird. A good rule of thumb is to keep it simple and as personal as possible. She’ll see how much you care!

2. Because embarrassment matters

“Putting yourself out there” counts for a lot in every relationship. Being vulnerable is scary stuff and it means a lot when you risk embarrassment in order to prove your affection for her. That said, if there’s a chance that she’ll be embarrassed as well, change your plans. There’s a difference between letting a woman know you care about her and singing a song at her birthday party about how good she is in bed. (Although I know a few women who’d love that.) Only throw caution to the wind where you’re sure it won’t blow right back into your face.

3. Because intent always wins

If your effort fails and you embarrass everybody involved, don’t worry. Intent has the final word. “I was only trying to make you happy,” if it’s genuine, is one of the only phrases in the English language that will earn you instant forgiveness for idiotic behavior.

You might not be talented, athletic, or even very creative. That’s okay. If she knows you at all, she’ll already know your limitations and appreciate the effort you’ve put into making her happy. Get out there and make some smiles!

Ladies, did you like the video? Has a guy ever done something really crazy just to show you he cared? Tell us about it!

Guys, when was the last time you risked life, limb, or pride to show a lady how much she meant to you? What did you do?

Thanks for sharing!

Seth

The Importance of Being Earnest | The Dating Papers

photo credit: ilovetrance

By Jef Nance, former police interrogator and author of the book Conquering Deception©

How can you tell when somebody is lying to you?

Deception abounds in media, business, and social circles, but it’s most destructive in personal relationships. Why? Because we’re most susceptible to deception from the people we trust most. Trust breeds comfort and causes us to let our defenses go down. That’s as it should be—but it makes us vulnerable to a spouse or partner when they find a need to deceive us.

The danger with deception is that everyone lies, but few of us use effective techniques to find the truth. After all, they didn’t teach us this stuff in school, did they?

Most of us fail to detect lies by relying on one of three techniques:

1. Gut instinct -”I just know she’s lying” (worthless).
2. Myth - Techniques that have been passed around for years – “liars won’t look you in the eye” (worse).
3. Home-brewed – Techniques we’ve erroneously placed our faith in, i.e. ”John gets that little crease in his brow every time he lies” (worse yet).

Why would my partner want to deceive me?

Deception is typically used in personal relationships for self-preservation. We’ve done something we don’t want the other to know about, so we conceal it.

A less-obvious variation: Lying to save another person’s feelings—a little more benevolent, but still a form of self-preservation. Consider this: When they ask our opinion, how eager are we to tell our partner we don’t like what they’re wearing? A lie at one of these moments preserves all.

Body language is the buzz-word of the “deception industry” and it has some limited validity, but think of this:

How do people lie? With their bodies… or with their words?

People may reveal information through body movements, but they use words to deceive us—and so words hold the greatest power to reveal that deception. To go even deeper, here’s a little secret that few appreciate: Whether your aim is to influence, create rapport, or get at the truth, nothing gives you more power in conversation than having a mastery of how to ask questions—and knowing how to interpret what you get back.

5 Questions To Ask If You Think Your Partner Is Lying:

1. Did They Hesitate?

The average person probably subscribes to my Deception Myth #11: “A person who hesitates is lying.” (false) Here’s the real deal: To judge whether a person who hesitates before answering is deceptive, we have to consider the nature of our question. Some questions naturally require a moment of thought. For example: “What did you eat for lunch last Tuesday?” (Draws on memory) or “Who do you think will win the next presidential race?” (Draws on imagination.)

If, on the other hand, you asked, “Did you talk to Janet this morning?” there should be no hesitation—unless the person is considering a deceptive response. Because this question concerns fact, and a very recent event, an honest person shouldn’t need to hesitate before giving you the answer.

Hesitation can be a very reliable sign of deception, just be sure to consider the question; is it reasonable that a person would need just a moment to come up with the answer?

2. Did They Avoid A Direct Response?

Given that I told you “everyone” uses deception, it might surprise you that I now tell you this: People usually tell the truth. The catch? Here’s my Deception Myth #46: Telling the truth is not the same as being honest. Believe it or not, people avoid outright lying if they can. One alternative to lying is to speak the truth while avoiding subjects they’d rather conceal from you.

So rather than lie, a person who wants to keep something from you can simply change the subject, give an indirect answer, or even tell the truth—while leaving out the details he doesn’t want you to know. This way he accomplishes the deception and avoids the tricky and dangerous sport of lying.

An example: Now, I wasn’t in Phoenix last weekend, but suppose I wanted you to believe that I was. If you were to ask me, “Jef, did you have fun in Phoenix last weekend?” I could reply, “I always have fun in Phoenix, I love that city. Have you ever been there?”

Without actually telling a lie, I confirmed your belief that I was in Phoenix simply by avoiding the question. People routinely avoid what they don’t want to discuss and will often divert you by throwing a question back at you, as I just did… so it’s up to you to notice when they violate this next question:

3. Did They Answer or Just Respond?

Most folks don’t notice when their questions go unanswered. Many times we get a response, rather than a substantive answer. When you fail to pick up on non-answers, you leave yourself open to the tactic of avoidance I mentioned with the last question.

So why do we fail to notice when a person gives a response instead of an answer? Because most of us are so consumed with our own thoughts and what we’re going to say next that we just don’t listen well. A lot of these non-answer responses sound intelligent, may be lengthy, and address something, just not the question we asked. We get distracted by what is said and fail to notice that they avoided our question. Watch any political news conference and you’ll see masters at work. Politicians rarely give direct answers. It’s even more seldom that they’re called out for their indirect answers.

In all fairness, sometimes people fail to give a substantive answer because of their own internal distractions. It’s not that they’re being deceptive. They just aren’t listening so well themselves and are consumed with what they want to say. I’ve always had a “3 Strikes & You’re Out” policy. If a person fails to give a direct answer on the same subject three times, it’s safe to conclude they don’t want to address it.

Always ask yourself, “Was that an answer… or a response?

4. Did They Revisit the Question?

Back when I was a police detective interrogating crooks, I had a burglary suspect in my office one day. It was just the two of us, the door was closed, and there were no distractions. We were eye-to-eye just feet apart. I asked him in a clear voice, “Did you break into the house?” He hesitated, then said, “Who, me?”

This is an example that embodies the first three questions all rolled into one! He hesitated, he avoided giving an honest answer, and he gave me a response instead of an answer. If you ask your partner a simple, direct question (you always should), and there’s no logical reason for them to have not heard you clearly, they’re buying time to think through their options by revisiting your question. If a person says, “Could you say that again?”, “What?”, or repeats your question back to you verbatim, they’re Revisiting the Question. Stick with it. You’re onto something.

5. Did You Ask For A Lie?

Rather than a technique for spotting deception, this one’s actually a pitfall that can inadvertently land you in deeper chaos if you don’t avoid it.

No one likes being lied to or deceived. (The ego is fierce beast, isn’t it?) When we know about something “bad” our partner has done, we already feel wronged. Especially in personal relationships, we often know the truth already. Rather than exploring, we’re testing. Deep down we want them to fail the test. So instinct (and ego) leads us to ask a question that’s unwittingly designed to get them to lie to us.

When they predictably lie, now we have two offenses against us:

1. The action that inspired our question.
2. Their lie about it… which we needlessly invited.

If you already know the truth, don’t ask about it. Instead, tell them what you know with absolute confidence and certainty. Then move on to addressing the issue. Hard as it may be, a great way to do this is by demonstrating some empathy and allowing them to save face. Depending on the circumstances, lines like, “We all make mistakes,” or “I can understand why it seemed right at the time,” or “I just want to know why you did it,” can ease the way for their owning up.

The idea of reading body language is alluring, but the underlying key to spotting deception? Listening. Speak less, keep your ears open, and notice the subtleties in what people say to you.

What you’ll find is that they’re giving you more information than they realize, and more than they intended.

For more from Jef Nance, a former police interrogator, pick up a copy of his book, Conquering Deception©, check out his blog and follow him Twitter!

What about you? Have you ever caught a partner in a lie? What happened?

Did you like this article? Feel free to Stumble it or click to share with your friends on Twitter. Thanks!

photos via flickr: kk,af,vb,lb

Are you passionate about something in your life? Really, truly passionate about it? Not just something you like. I’m talking about the sort of thing you prefer over everybody and everything else. 

If you are passionate about something, use that as your ticket to get on the train toward better, more fulfilling conversations. 

How? Passion, in and of itself, is attractive. Remember Ethan Hunt in MI-3 in the evening party scene where he’s talking about dynamic traffic patterns and there’s a crowd of women hanging off his every word? That’s not just a movie trick. It’s not the topic but how you approach it that will make you attractive to others. With a few simple steps, you can begin to build your passion into something, if not magnetic, at least quite attractive! 

Step 1: Know your stuff – It’s not enough to be excited about something. If you’re truly passionate about a topic, you’ll understand its inner workings and history. Find out some interesting stories that relate to your passion and memorize the particulars. NASCAAR is boring to a lot of people. But if you happened to know that the worst pile-up in racing history was caused by a driver who was hallucinating and stopped his car to “pick up passengers” because he thought he was driving a bus…now you’ve got a story worth telling. Everybody loves a good story. Even that sullen beauty across the bar will probably listen to a good story if you’ve got one. 

Step 2: Incorporate humor – If you’re truly passionate about something, you’ve already run into at least one person who thinks you’re nuts for being so dedicated to one thing. That’s okay. You’re not trying to win over all the people in the world. Ignore the haters and always keep an active sense of humor, especially when it’s time make fun of yourself. Learn a few jokes that relate to your passion and a few extras that people tell making fun of people like you. Love wine? Learn some wine jokes as well as a few quips about people who love wine too much. (Yes, it’s said that loving wine too much actually IS a possibility!)

Step 3: Invite responses – Make a habit of inviting others to share about their passions. You might be surprised how many people collect spoons, skydive, and go on yoga retreats but feel funny about talking about it. Don’t let the conversation end with you sharing about your passion. You’ve told your stories and made others laugh. Now it’s their turn to reciprocate and give the “dirty” on what they like most in life. Worried that others will just stand and look at you strangely? Some might, sure. Most will pick up on the excited energy you’re exuding and participate in the conversation.

And that’s something to get excited about!

What are some of your passions? How do you go about sharing them with others?

If you enjoyed this post and would like to give it a stumble or share in a Tweet (here’s a tinyurl: http://tinyurl.com/cehruu ), I’d really appreciate it! 

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