Do you have a favorite season? Most people experience seasons in a romantic relationship. In New England (the northeastern part of the United States) we have four seasons. Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. In relationships, especially long-term ones, we can observe similar seasons.
The Four Seasons of a Relationship
Spring - In the spring of a relationship, we experience the thrill of discovery, obsession, and emotional (and often, physical) penetration that precedes new growth and attachments. Springtime offers a mad rush of delightful sensations. Remember what it feels like to touch someone for the first time? The easy laughter when you got tangled in your own shirt?
Most of us are good at dealing with springtime in our relationships. We forget our past unhappiness and revel in rediscovered emotions. Springtime is easy.
Summer – In the summertime, we get into the nitty gritty of growing a relationship. We might have a few dry spells (you know what I’m talking about) and some scorching hot days (unless you’re both the silent types) but the majority of time is spent fostering real growth in the relationship. The first days of summer are much like those of a regular season. We rejoice in the rapid growth of the relationship and delight in continual discoveries as conversation runs deeper.
Summer isn’t all fun though. As the days wear on, we begin to realize the–sometimes crippling–truth that Summer never lasts forever. Do you remember the first time you realized you offended your partner but decided it wasn’t worth bringing up to apologize for? That was the last day of summer in your relationship.
Autumn – After the last day of summer, a relationship grows colder with each passing day. For those with intense personalities and a low tolerance for conflict, spring and summer may take just a few months and autumn signals the end of the relationship. For those who handle conflict with more aplomb or are simply able to tolerate more pain, autumn is just the next step in a relationship cycle stereotyped to always end with icy fingers.
This is the time when the tendency to “pick battles” crops up most often (I’ve watched myself do this many times). When confronted with inconsiderate behavior or thoughtless action, the summer self would have immediately shared its discontent and asked for change. Not so now that the leaves have changed. Autumn sees both partners choosing to stifle complaints and file away grievances because anything else might spell a brawl.
Winter – The dreaded winter is the most common season in long-term relationships. Most of my parents’ friends (the ones still together after 30 or more years) live in a constant state of winter. If you ask them about it, their answers are often full of resignation. It’s as if their Narnian state came about through some magic or surprise attack and not deliberate steps.
You know it’s winter in a relationship when partners have no shame in revealing their dislike for each other. Spring’s quick banter turns to icy javelin-throwing and tears are shed alone without explanation. 
Some people push through wintry days because they have children to care for, a job that takes them away often, or very limited financial options. Others plug away for happier reasons. They insist on there being a way to start a thaw that will cause springtime to return again.
Is there hope for people stuck in perpetual winter? Is there a way for two people who have made a habit of ignoring, hurting, and attacking each other to regain some long-lost joy?
I could offer some formulaic answer. I could throw words in your face as if I knew the answer to this question… but I don’t.
I’d appreciate your contribution. What can you tell me about saving a relationship?
Image: Mathew Fang, Pieter Musterd
The Four Seasons of a Relationship
Whoah. Shouldn’t this be The Four Seasons of a Dysfunctional Relationship? You’ve written this article with the assumption that all relationships follow this same path to eventual, inescapable destruction.
And your answer as to how one might avoid that path would be…?
As the survivor of one failed marriage (plus many hilarious and/or heartbreaking dating adventures) and currently the partner in a successful one, I can easily see what the difference was for me.
When you have similar goals that rely on the other person to help complete it is very hard to go completely off track in your relationship. You need each other even at times you may not *want* each other, and that need overrides any short-term aggravation that could tilt you into autumn.
When you have only individual goals, or your goals together are ones you could easily complete alone or with a new partner, it is easier to get out of sync.
I’m not sure if this is universal or not, but it works very well for me.
Being in my first really happy relationship (which has lasted 2 years so far, including quite some difficulties, like me being in Australia for 6 months and having to deal with depressive phases in my life), I don’t believe that autumn and winter are bound to come and destroy our love.
As mentioned earlier, we have had quite some tough times to deal with, and especially when backpacking in Australia, I met a great number of people who had been in a relationship when leaving to travel and who didn’t make it. We have been working on it, consciously working, as with telephone dates, daily emails and nice little surprises, in order to have some emotional closeness in spite of the physical distance.
We do make mistakes with each other, of course we do. We quarrel, we sometimes take oneself’s needs as much more important than the partner’s, we adopt the wrong tone, we have misunderstandings. But whenever we see that we have made a mistake, we apologize. And generally we try to be the best possible partner for each other. We really, really care for each other and are each other’s favorite company.
I agree with Shelley that those Four Seasons you mention are the path to a dysfunctional relationship. What helps best is consciousness of oneself’s motives and feelings, and to constantly visualize why one is in one’s relationship.
There has been a wonderful blog post on Illuminating Mind that has deeply touched both of us and that we try to live: http://www.illuminatedmind.net/2008/10/02/the-four-secrets-to-a-nearly-perfect-relationship/
So, what do you think? And why exactly do you think that love irrevocably dies over time? (That is quite a pessimistic world view…)
Ellen,
Thanks for the link to Four Secrets to a (Nearly) Perfect Relationship!
<3 SJA
I actually got into a conversation like this with my mom a few years ago and it got me thinking so much I wrote about it from the POV of staying committed for commitment’s sake and staying committed because you choose to stay committed. Sounds like splitting hairs — but I am all about the choice… I think it keeps you out of the “winter” mentality.
I agree that there are seasons in relationships, but kind of like dealing with environmental changes… you can choose to go back into the Air Conditioning during summer heat or put on an extra set of gloves as you set out to shovel the sidewalk… basically, I think the course of a relationship is determined by the choices you make in how you deal with it’s seasons.
Like Ellen alludes to… there are good days and bad and it all comes down to consciously choosing to invest in a path that will lead back to good days or at least growing together through the bad.
Great post Seth… thanks for writing it.
I actually think that you got it wrong – my comment earlier certainly was not about agreeing with you
What do you think about my more positive approach to relarionships, Seth?
“Being in my first really happy relationship (which has lasted 2 years so far, including quite some difficulties, like me being in Australia for 6 months and having to deal with depressive phases in my life), I don’t believe that autumn and winter are bound to come and destroy our love.”
That’s adorable! I do like your approach. I just don’t see it being self-sustaining in the long term with rare exception. Of course, we all intend on being the rare exception, right?
Check back when you get to year 10 and let me know if you still think I should get myself a pair of rosy coke bottle glasses. =)
We all want to be the exception – we all want our partner to be the exception. Relationships are hard – difficult- and not meant for the faint at heart.
To avoid that path – don’t ask me- ask my parents who still spoon after 62 years. Or my 85 yo dad who asked me about Viagra.
They are each other’s best friends- and still talk– a lot- after all these years.
They have had heartache – saw one son institutionalized on a permanent basis from severe retardation. Had another son die of lung cancer.
But they made it- and they laugh at themselves and they laugh at each other. Sometimes they “have a discussion,” – like my dad likes to say.
I don’t know their secret. But I think it can happen to me- and will work to prove it
Hey Seth,
I’ve had two kicks at the kitty, so to speak, and I’ll tell you it never seems to get any easier. I think you’re absolutely right when you describe relationships as having seasons. But, like seasons, I think they’re cyclical if both sides put effort into it.
Relationships rise and fall, have ups and downs, and get better and worse. But, I think it’s what each partner chooses to do with those ups and downs that makes all the difference.
When it’s good, enjoy it. When things grow cold, communicate and work through it. After all, that’s what causes Autumn to start with, IMO — a lack of communication. The way I see it, if I’m being a bag, my partner should love me enough to tell me so. But, if my partner is being a jerk, he should love me enough to suck it up, smarten up, and get on with it. After all, when you love someone, you have to love all of them…even the parts you don’t like. The only part of love that’s easy is the falling part, after that, you have to work your way back up.
Personally, I could never be in a relationship where there is open animosity between my partner and I. I’m not saying that there should never be any arguments cause that would just be wrong for many reasons, but ignoring them and being spiteful isn’t going to help either.
You get back what you put into these things. And if you’re going to be secretive, mean, and underhanded…well, don’t expect that bed of roses. Eventually, you’ll snap from the stress.
Angie Nikoleychuk
Angie’s Copywriting
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Great article, it would be nice if you included the author resource box!