Alaina over at MsSingleMama recently allowed me to guest post my thoughts on dating single moms As I contemplated the various biases that can come into play when one mentions dating a single parent, I was reminded of a recent date:
My friend Shayla made me a bet that she could find somebody I’d refuse to date on sight. I took the bet.
My date had been informed of which car I’d be driving but when I pulled up at the given address, a man in his early 30’s walked over and tried to open the passenger door. The door was locked and he stepped back in surprise. “Eh, is there a problem? Shayla said my date was going to be driving this exact car.” He said, raising his voice.
I’d been set up. But the man standing outside my car seemed to know nothing about Shayla’s joke. I opened the door and explained the situation. At first, Jason wasn’t pleased with the idea of spending two hours on a “date” with a straight guy. “If I were actually attracted to guys but weighed 450lbs and smelled bad, you wouldn’t date me, right?” I asked. He agreed. “So if it’s not just about me being straight, why not give this all a try and see if your instincts served you well in the end?” I pressed.
Jason agreed to have dinner with me. Much of our conversation over dinner focused on this question: How much do we let our “internal guidelines” choose who we spend time with?
In the US and many other countries, we are protected in the workplace from discrimination because of race, sex, color, national origin, and religion. The world of dating is entirely different.
There is no law to keep you from being rude to the skinny vegan who says hello. You won’t go to jail for only talking to the Russian girls at my party. The problems arise when your guidelines restrict your perception so much that you begin to view other people as being worth less because they don’t meet your preferences.
I challenge you to look at your biases, seek to understand them, and get rid of as many as you can. You’ll find that the people who add the most value to your life are often the ones who don’t match your preferences!
Jason went home with the bartender’s number. I went home with a lot to think about and the satisfaction of having walked in a slightly different style of shoes for a few hours.
Have you ever been on a date that really made you think about how you relate to people in general?
Seth
Really, check out MsSingleMama. Don’t blame me though if she has you scouring your social network for single moms to ask out. She’s tricky like that.
Photo credit: pasotraspaso
Thanks for this post. I’ve often had my own “preferences” stretched and been thankful for it. There’s so much more to a person than what we think we see.
I completely agree!
You are definitely my alter-ego. Seriously. I have dated SO many different types of men since becoming a single mom.
After being married to my “dream stud” and realizing what a disaster he was I decided to no longer judge any books by their cover.
My first post-divorce boyfriend was a biker man with a beard like ZZ Top’s… SO funny. He was awesome though. It didn’t work out but the experience was enlightening.
I’ve also dated not so straight men, religious men, and most recently – farm boy types.
At the end of the day – we are all the same – that I can tell you with certainty.
STM: Isn’t that the truth! There is definitely more to everybody than we can see off hand. I’m glad you’ve found this to be a positive experience for you. Sometimes the stretching isn’t quite so much fun.
MSM: If I’m your alter-ego, would fighting with you seem just like thinking stuff over in my head? =) I’m glad you’ve had great experiences with different types of people. It puts you in the best position to accept the next person who is really good for you even though they might not seem right at first!
Thanks for your comments!
Seth
I love your openness! Shazam
Michelle:
Thanks for the Shazam! We all need more of that in our lives. Thanks for stopping by!
Seth
Hi Seth!
First let me say, this is by far the best blog out there and I have no idea how I’ve gotten along over the past nearly-25 years of my dating life. Rock on.
I have a tough one for you, and I’d love some advice from the male perspective, particularly the single-and-dating male perspective. I’m currently 39, and I decided three years ago that having a child and becoming a mom was something I wasn’t willing to give up just because I happen to be single. Fast forward 3 years, lots of research on the subject, and quite a few tests to make sure all systems are go, and here I am, all set to undergo artificial insemination using donor sperm next month…when bam, NOW I meet someone, a potential sigot I fell hard for 4 months ago who now seems to possibly feel the same. In an ideal world, he’d respect my dream of becoming a mom enough (and know that I won’t be happy in the long run without achieving it) to still want to get to know me better. But in reality, in the male mind, is my situation a complete dealbreaker? Postponing the procedure is actually more difficult than one might expect, but it can be done. On the other hand, I’m not so sure I want to put off something that’s been in the works for a while now for a potential relationship that might not pan out anyway. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one. Thanks!
Hope
Hope: Of course there isn’t a homogenous “male answer” that I can give you. I can say that when you have decided that something is absolutely necessary for your future happiness and fulfillment, you DO NOT throw that away because some new guy shows up!
You don’t need to wait for an ideal world in order to have a SigOt who respects you and supports your dreams. That’s called a healthy relationship!
Artificial insemination can be quite the extended process! I really wish you and your child all the best!
Seth
Seth, this is one of the best posts I have read in a while. I give it five stars my friend!
“Have you ever been on a date that really made you think about how you relate to people in general?”
I really can’t remember if I did or not, but I am constantly trying to better myself in general and always try to relate well with others.
It’s a life long journey
Bobby: I’m glad you enjoyed it!
It really is a life-long journey! You might not have a crazy dating anecdote on the tip of your tongue, but the fact that you’re constantly working to improve yourself and your relationships speaks volumes about you.
Thanks so much for stopping by. Best to you!
Seth
This post caused me to read your other post, which was basically what happened to me last week.
Three days into chatting and talking, it just slipped that she couldn’t meet me due to having to pick up her three yr old from the babysitter.
“Does this change anything?” She asked.
The truth is, that it freaked me out a bit (illogically, cause I love kids), but the fact that she is probably 10 years older than I thought she was did change things a bit.
I agree with this post, however, completely. I go out and do dinner with
new and old friends, gay and straight, men and women, good looking and other, and I must admit that it does confuse people to no end.
I like spending time with people, and believe that a “date” is just the beginning of a relationship, whether it results in sex or not. Every relationship is based on conversation and chemistry.
Ok, so I may not be mirroring your post completely, but i understand where you are coming from.
Cheers.
Thanks for this story. I could not agree more that in this dating world there are so many different people to choose from, even when you are asked what you “type” is there is never a definate to what you like.
I have dated many different kinds of people in my life and come to the conclusion that know matter what they seem like, there is always that gooey middle in them, that is never exactly what you would think it would be. I, being a single mom, have not yet tackled that challenge in trying to date again. I don’t know if it because I am not ready or to scared of being hurt again. I know that day will come, but not looking for it as intensely as I did when I did not have a child. Thank you for your advice Seth it always makes me think!!!
Have a Great Holiday
Ezra: Wow! “”a “date” is just the beginning of a relationship, whether it results in sex or not.”" I wholeheartedly agree.
The single mom situation you were a part of is unfortunate. Mostly because there are probably many other ways in which she could have approached the subject that might have freaked you out a bit less. The date I spoke about in my MSM post just blurted out the facts. The prize-winner blurted out an entire list of reasons why she “wasn’t good enough” on our first date! Rejection causes people to do interesting things. I try to take it in stride! Seems like you’re on the same road.
Nikki: How’d you know about my gooey middle!?! =) I get what you mean though. I really hope you have great success when you do start to date again. Finding an amazing person really helps to blur all the disappointment that came before them!
Thanks for your comments. Best to you!
Seth
Sometimes I hear women say they prefer a man who is over six feet tall. They don’t understand men who are over six feet tall are in the small minority.
If people open their eyes and realize there is a bigger world out there besides their ‘preferences’ they will get what they want.
This was a good read.
Have a Happy Holidays!
LO: I hear you, man. I miss out on all the women who want a guy less than 6ft tall. I completely agree with you on the need for us all to expand our mindsets when it comes to dating and reach out to more people. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Best to you! I’m really looking forward to spending time with my family over the next few days. I hope you have the same luxury!
Seth
What a GREAT post!
To embrace life as a teacher of never-ending adventures rejecting biases – makes it such an interesting worthwhile journey.
Flexibility People…allow & learn.
Thank Seth!
Seth, you are an excellent writer, and I thoroughly enjoyed your post!
Zara: You’ve compressed everything into a wonderfully short sentence. I’m jealous! =) Really though, learning flexibility is really tough but hugely rewarding. I’m so blessed to have people in my life who taught me this early on!
Kevin: Thanks! And thank you for taking the time to let me know you enjoyed it. I appreciate the conversation!
Best to you!
Seth
It is definitely important to step outside one’s usual boundaries when it comes to finding someone to spend time with (obviously there are things that we just can’t get over–I think you mentioned smell). There have been men who I was not immediately attracted to in the visual sense but after spending time and learning other qualities an attraction developed. Perhaps this is only a one sided thing. Do men not experience this as well? I think we owe it to ourselves not to be limiting by our initial cues in all types of relationships.
Moe: I know, as a guy, that I’ve definitely experienced it! The experience of that person who “just grew on me over time” is a very real thing.
We definitely owe it to ourselves and to others to not let petty preferences guide us in big choices like love and friendship!
Thanks for your thoughts!
Seth