Alaina over at MsSingleMama recently allowed me to guest post my thoughts on dating single moms As I contemplated the various biases that can come into play when one mentions dating a single parent, I was reminded of a recent date:
My friend Shayla made me a bet that she could find somebody I’d refuse to date on sight. I took the bet.
My date had been informed of which car I’d be driving but when I pulled up at the given address, a man in his early 30’s walked over and tried to open the passenger door. The door was locked and he stepped back in surprise. “Eh, is there a problem? Shayla said my date was going to be driving this exact car.” He said, raising his voice.
I’d been set up. But the man standing outside my car seemed to know nothing about Shayla’s joke. I opened the door and explained the situation. At first, Jason wasn’t pleased with the idea of spending two hours on a “date” with a straight guy. “If I were actually attracted to guys but weighed 450lbs and smelled bad, you wouldn’t date me, right?” I asked. He agreed. “So if it’s not just about me being straight, why not give this all a try and see if your instincts served you well in the end?” I pressed.
Jason agreed to have dinner with me. Much of our conversation over dinner focused on this question: How much do we let our “internal guidelines” choose who we spend time with?
In the US and many other countries, we are protected in the workplace from discrimination because of race, sex, color, national origin, and religion. The world of dating is entirely different.
There is no law to keep you from being rude to the skinny vegan who says hello. You won’t go to jail for only talking to the Russian girls at my party. The problems arise when your guidelines restrict your perception so much that you begin to view other people as being worth less because they don’t meet your preferences.
I challenge you to look at your biases, seek to understand them, and get rid of as many as you can. You’ll find that the people who add the most value to your life are often the ones who don’t match your preferences!
Jason went home with the bartender’s number. I went home with a lot to think about and the satisfaction of having walked in a slightly different style of shoes for a few hours.
Have you ever been on a date that really made you think about how you relate to people in general?
Seth
Really, check out MsSingleMama. Don’t blame me though if she has you scouring your social network for single moms to ask out. She’s tricky like that.
Photo credit: pasotraspaso
25 Comments
Thanks for this story. I could not agree more that in this dating world there are so many different people to choose from, even when you are asked what you “type” is there is never a definate to what you like.
I have dated many different kinds of people in my life and come to the conclusion that know matter what they seem like, there is always that gooey middle in them, that is never exactly what you would think it would be. I, being a single mom, have not yet tackled that challenge in trying to date again. I don’t know if it because I am not ready or to scared of being hurt again. I know that day will come, but not looking for it as intensely as I did when I did not have a child. Thank you for your advice Seth it always makes me think!!!
Have a Great Holiday
Ezra: Wow! “”a “date” is just the beginning of a relationship, whether it results in sex or not.”" I wholeheartedly agree.
The single mom situation you were a part of is unfortunate. Mostly because there are probably many other ways in which she could have approached the subject that might have freaked you out a bit less. The date I spoke about in my MSM post just blurted out the facts. The prize-winner blurted out an entire list of reasons why she “wasn’t good enough” on our first date! Rejection causes people to do interesting things. I try to take it in stride! Seems like you’re on the same road.
Nikki: How’d you know about my gooey middle!?! =) I get what you mean though. I really hope you have great success when you do start to date again. Finding an amazing person really helps to blur all the disappointment that came before them!
Thanks for your comments. Best to you!
Seth
Sometimes I hear women say they prefer a man who is over six feet tall. They don’t understand men who are over six feet tall are in the small minority.
If people open their eyes and realize there is a bigger world out there besides their ‘preferences’ they will get what they want.
This was a good read.
Have a Happy Holidays!
LO: I hear you, man. I miss out on all the women who want a guy less than 6ft tall. I completely agree with you on the need for us all to expand our mindsets when it comes to dating and reach out to more people. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Best to you! I’m really looking forward to spending time with my family over the next few days. I hope you have the same luxury!
Seth
What a GREAT post!
To embrace life as a teacher of never-ending adventures rejecting biases – makes it such an interesting worthwhile journey.
Flexibility People…allow & learn.
Thank Seth!