A recent conversation with Kelli over at Dating & Mating in America brought up the topic of how one goes about determining whether or not a relationship will have lasting value and is worth continued effort. Essentially, how can you know if the flash is trash? Here are a few questions you can ask in your journey toward finding the person who you can love when they just rolled out of bed and are grumpy at the world.
When you decide ask these questions depends on your comfort level. You may wait until you’ve been married for ten years, dating for three months, or (like me) partway through the first date. Get comfortable, phrase the questions in a non-threatening manner, and enjoy the results!
The mannerisms used in answering a question are just as important as the words that deliver the concrete meaning. You need to get information on three different factors:
- Is this a boring person I just happen to have a crush on (Flash Factor).
- How much babysitting is this person going to require (Need Factor).
- How much is this person going to make me cry (Penelope Trunk Factor).
You’ll discover the level of each factor by asking your date the following questions:
- If income were no object, what would you do for work? You’ve encountered this question in other contexts. When you’re “interviewing” your potential SigOt, remember that how they answer the question is just as important as the words they use. A common answer will be a declaration of some pent-up artistic or vagabond urges to sail the world.,Sometimes you’ll get an answer like I had just weeks ago: “Oh, I’m going to marry a man who makes a lot of money so I won’t have to work.” I voted “no.” If their answer inspires follow-up questions and you’re intrigued, good. You’re in a good spot to move toward the next of the big three.
- How do you get along with your family? (If your intended SigOt is an orphan, ask about their social life instead. If they don’t have close friends, Ding! Ding! you’re it!). Again, observe closely how the question is answered. People with great family lives will typically have an answer right off the top of their head and you can move on. If your question spawns an extended explanation or excuses, understand that to continue is to risk life and limb.If you are really passionate about the connection you have with this person and are willing to walk them through inexplicable moodiness and listen to childhood horror stories, so be it. However, the idea that two children from unstable families can come together and create a utopia…is entirely insane.
- What would I have to do to upstage the most insane date you’ve ever had? Again, watch the answer and if the zany story is about a date that happened in the crush stage of a relationship, it’s probably okay. Follow your head instinct, not your gut on this one.If, however, your intended SigOt begins telling you about “this boyfriend I once had who decided that I was a good punching bag, but I didn’t move out because he was medicated” do yourself a favor and run from the drama. I call this the Penelope Trunk Factor because Penelope has a higher appreciation and fondness for sustained drama than any intelligent woman I’ve ever known of.
Understand that you can adjust these three questions and pull solid answers out of a near-stranger without any of the awkward clinginess associated with most “heart-to-heart relationship talks.” In addition, if you find that you’re out of topics, just work one of these questions into the chit-chat and get ahead of the process!
I’ve simplified the concepts in honor of space and my commitment to asking for only three minutes of your attention. If you’d like a more detailed explanation or have a question, please leave a comment and I’ll do my best to answer!
My pain, your gain!
Seth
Image by Porcelaingirl
Funny! BUT, excellent advice Seth! WELL DONE. Heed these warning signs folks. Been there, done that and BURNED that T-shirt!
You burned your t-shirt? Where’s your sense of adventure, Scott? =)
Thanks for your visit! I hope we all learn enough to get away with just a little less drama next time around, eh?
Seth
Haha, I use question number 1 all the time to help people find their passion! However relationship with family isn’t *always* an indicator of how they are as people.
Overall however, this is a GREAT article! So gonna RT this one
(Good job on keeping in mind that not everyone is fortunate enough to have family)
Spot on, Seth. Absolutely.
Hi Arie!
I agree that relationship with family isn’t always an absolute indicator of how somebody is as a person. I was a little less cut-and-dried about judging responses because of that. However, this is where it becomes of UTMOST importance to pay close attention to the body language and inflection used in answering the question!
A fantastic person who has responded in a healthy way to family trials and is progressing well as an adult will talk about about the instability in his/her family in a way that’s very different than one who is still caught up in the struggle.
Thanks for visiting, Sharon!
Thanks, both, for your comments!
Seth
Spot on post Seth, very good advice! Personally the family aspect is less of a factor in the process, simply because I haven’t seen anyone really that attached to their family, or made that known in their relationship. I guess what it boils down to is pretty much the environment most people I know grew up – single parents, or both parents working. Its really a matter how quickly one grew up and if that person had to take on responsibility at a (relatively) young age.
Cheers,
Alex
Hi Alex,
Yes, there’s a lot of flexibility in the family question. I tried to allow for some of that. You can still learn a lot by asking the question and observing how the person answers you. Everybody has their story. It’s how they’ve learned and grown from the challenges they’ve faced that makes the real difference.
I think the family question works as a solid weeder question…and, at minimum, you learn something you needed to find out at some point. Nothing wrong with a little communication!
Thanks for visiting!
Good call on weeding out the crazy family people and the gold diggers, Seth! I’m going to use these questions and see what I come up with.
Hi Pansy,
Let us know how the weeding goes. You might not want to weed out ALL the crazies though. Some of the most amazing people in the world are a little bit crazy. They might have zany answers to the questions but if you pay attention to how they answer them, you’ll understand that they’ve got stuff mostly-together and will do right by you.
Best to you!
Seth
Love it….so funny. I usually jump the gun on these questions though.
Ah, you mean not every person with a crazy family must be discarded immediately?! I find that hard to believe . . .
I think there should be some careful setting of the accept/reject threshold. After all, if i were to exclude me with my criteria, how will i ever have a relationship with myself when I am not with my Potential SigOt?
Annmarie: by jumping the gun, do you mean you skip over them or ask them right after getting a stranger’s name? =)
Pansy: It’s not about how insane the family is, it’s how your intended SigOt relates to that situation that will affect you in the long run!
Crossmage: If the criteria you’re using would result in exclusion if used on yourself, then it might be a good time to re-think some of the ways in which you are responding to your background and the people in your life. Setting extraordinarily-high expectations can have disastrous effects on a potential relationship.
I agree that choosing the thresholds at which a person is made/broken by their answers is very important in using the questions effectively. It’s very much a personal choice, though. Some people, like PT, can handle constant input from extreme candidates that I’d never consider pursuing.
Thanks for your comments!
Seth
Qualification is maybe one of the most important stages of seduction. It implies that you have higher value than her, and thus she has to prove herself to you in order to not lose your attention. It also shows that you’re interested in characteristics about her other than her looks, which is something that women of exceptional beauty rarely see.
I typically use different qualification questions, but they are definitely related. For example, I will ask a girl within 5 minutes of meeting her what wanted to be when she grew up when she was a little girl and what her dream job is, i.e. if she could have anyone’s job, whose would she take? This is a whole routine that I’ve done so many times that it is now pretty much word for word and can easily turn into the basis of a 45 minute deep conversation that develops a true emotional connection with her and makes her more than willing to make out with you and depending on logistics, possibly go home with you.
For this reason though, if a woman asks questions like this of you (on a first date), you should blow them off (with maybe the exception of the what would you do with your time if money was no object question because you can DHV like crazy in that one, talking about what you’ve done in your life that makes you want to spend the rest of your life doing what you select) because getting too detailed is going to come off as you qualifying yourself to her from a place of lower value.
One tip for this: I often like to ask questions like these in the context of “the question game.” Basically the only rule is that you cannot throw a question back at the other person, essentially making you safe from answering any question you ask. This also has the added advantage of accelerating escalation and getting her to go sexual first and early. If you go 5 rounds of the question game without her asking you about the craziest place where you have had sex, she probably doesn’t see you that way.
Hammer:
The idea is to use the questions to help determine whether or not you want to make an emotional investment in a person. Jumping into “deep questions” early on in to create a false sense of intimacy as a fast-track for sex has less of a place here, I think. It’s more about learning to leverage a conversation in a timely manner to reduce drama and free up time for the pursuit of rewarding relationships.
I understand what you’re saying and I get how you see similarities in the process, but it’s really not about sex in this instance. That’s a whole different set of questions!
Best to you!
Seth
Who said anything about a false sense of intimacy? You are creating real intimacy.
Also, what do you have against sex? Why would anyone consider pursuing a relationship with someone before having sex with them? THAT is a waste of time. You should not be transitioning into a relationship with a woman before you have sex with her. It fosters a false sense of desire for them. The only real way to answer the question as to whether you’ll want to continue talking to them after you’ve fucked them is by fucking them.
That’s why women withhold sex in the first place, because they are afraid that once they give it up you will lose interest (that and they’re afraid of feeling like/being called a slut). I find that the women who are most careful about giving it up are generally the ones with the least to offer intellectually. If I thought that sex was all that I had to offer to a man who I wanted to keep in my life I would probably string that out as long as possible as well to keep the attention train rolling.
Furthermore, I don’t WANT to develop an emotional connection with someone until I know that they can deliver in the funk shop. Other things related to sex that I need to know about her before considering getting emotionally involved: peach lips or bacon strips? loud or quiet? multi-orgasmic? grooming? cleanliness? nipple size? likes being tied up? hair pulling? choked? anal? deep throat?
too soon (right after getting a strangers name).
Ok Hammer that was interesting. It is the thing that makes women not trust men. Before you start shouting at me listen clearly!.
I do not have a problem offering myself to a man I have an interest in and IF it feels right in that moment.
A point you miss in the difference between men and women and what makes them bond. Women bond with sex, so when they wait it is because they want to make sure they are offering themselves to someone who will honor and respect them, unless they are at a point in life where they just want a booty call and you just a provider of services.
Back to Seth’s questions….
Here is what I have discovered. I like all the questions but the family one. Here is why. we all come into this world to learn lessons and it is my belief that when I commit to a man in marriage we will be not just sharing future experiences but also learning and healing past experiences.
It is not a bad thing to recognize that we are not whole beings, it is part of our life’s journey. I am not perfect, my relationship with my Father has more to do with WHO he was as my male mentor in life. Now, what did I do with that energy as an adult is where the healing has taken part.
I think we miss the point when we feel we can find a perfect partner who will “being no drama” as you and others has expressed. That is unrealistic. Yes, there are varying degrees of drama, but we all have opportunities to heal and it is so much easier when you have a part who can be empathetic and who is there to love you through the process and can see you will offer them that same compassion.
Thanks for the thought provoking post as usual!
No I didn;t miss the part about watching their body language but here is where it might now be a fair one, what if they have not completely healed that pain, does that really make them damaged goods or is it an opportunity for them to open up when someone comes along who might be just the person to help them find solace and brings a perspective that allows for their healing to take place. It is always in layers and even when you think you have healed something sometimes someone comes along and resonates with a deeper part that you missed.
So I ask you is there a purpose and reason they came along and you responded to them? Is it a fluke or is it an opportunity? Think deeply before popping off your answer.
Wow. Summing up advice on what to do/not to do, when having a solid partner didn’t take very long for you to do.
I dig it. My wife and I try to ask each other questions that push our marriage and personal lives to a new level. Believe it or not, we do have personal lives in our marriage, individual dreams along with joined life long aspirations and goals.
It is easy to let any existing relationship fade to be ‘just friends’ or what seems like roommates. It takes a lot of energy, emotion and sweat to keep the heat and passion in a relationship going. Did that sound sexual? I guess it works both ways…hmmm…
Awesome Job! I just passed your blog off to a buddy.
~Chais Meyer
Hammer: I think you and I tend to meet women from extremely different walks of life. That’s the simplest way to explain how you find intelligent women hopping into bed while the less-gifted ones drag things out.
I see the exact opposite. I may be alone in thinking that sexual activities are generally much more enjoyable when taking place at a point in a relationship when it’s been determined that all the people involved are acting as more than best-alternatives to masturbation. But I’m firm in my belief that far too much weight is placed on sexual chemistry/dynamics.
4hrs of crazy sex per day, all week, and you’re still left with 140hrs to deal with.
Most people are, at the core, trying to avoid being lonely. When I think of an elderly couple I think matching running pants, driving a golf cart to get the mail, and wearing bathrobes until 2pm…not wild sex.
As you move toward habits of acceptance, you’ll find the “important things” you listed become non-issues and topics that have something to do with a sustainable rewarding relationship will come to the front.
Annmarie: way to go! I’m sure some are thrown-off by your immediate leap into difficult topics. There’s a chance you’ll find somebody who jumps the gun on you and gives you a run for your money. Don’t let them get away! =)
Michelle: Thanks for your thoughts! As I’ve remarked previously, the amount of obvious drama you’re willing to sign on for in a new relationship is entirely up to you. I’m at the point in my life where I don’t feel like I need to have a multi-faceted psychological case study in progress in order to feel like I’m fulfilled in my relationship. On one end of the spectrum you have Hammer, who views most things through a window of sex. On the other end, you have those who base their estimation of a relationship’s value on the level of transparency and emotion-shoveling that takes place. I have thought deeply about the subject and I hope I never lose my willingness to consider each situation on its own merits and look for the best in the people around me!
Chais: Oh, no! Individuals who maintain their identities but gladly participate in a relationship they feel as mutually beneficial? You’re kidding! Haha! Actually, it sounds fantastic and I like that you recognize the need to put both the hot sweaty physical and thoughtful mental energy into your relationship to make it work. Readers, check out Chais’ blog for a candid and humorous take on life, business, and general frivolity. I like it!
Thanks for your comments!
Seth
“I do not have a problem offering myself to a man I have an interest in and IF it feels right in that moment.”
I’m an expert at making it “feel right in that moment.”
And yea there are chemicals that are released to make sex a bonding experience in women more than men. But by making that generalization you’re implying that women can’t have NSA sex (argue that one with @Singlegirl). Sex can be a bonding experience, but it can also just be Superfuntime (ala South Park).
But yea, as I said, I am not going to let myself get too attached to a woman before knowing about what it’s like to have sex with her. All those things I listed above are deal breakers long term, so if I let myself get too emotionally attached breaking up for something as superficial as her inner labia are too big will hurt us both.
I totally agree that sex in the context of a relationship is much better. In fact I’m in a relationship right now with an incredible woman. But don’t you for a second presume that just because a woman is of high quality means that she won’t jump into bed with you. If you know what you’re doing and how to make it happen, I promise you, she will.
Oohh… I like the questions. Goodbyegal and I were just talking about some sort of “pre-screening” for potential suitors, since we meet most online. Frankly, if I ask an off the wall question, and they don’t find the humor in that, fooey on them!
I like the questions and more importantly I like what you are trying to achieve with them. You’re trying to find out the things a person won’t come out and tell you about themselves voluntarily (I’m shallow, frivolous, high-strung, materialistic and/or I have a hard time maintaining close relationships with anyone -friends, family, etc).
After you’ve read a few dozen/hundred online personals ads or logged a few hundred hours talking with singles in pick-up situations you start to realize that just about everyone describes themselves in the same, generic way. And of course, the proliferation of advice for singles about how to be successful just seems to make this worse. It’s a sea of sameness. You’re trying to get past the generalizations and charade to see if the person is someone you might like to spend quality time with for years to come.
It’s a smart idea.
SingleGal: I’m just not a fan of many online dating options. The problem with asking these questions in an online conversation is that you miss at least half of every answer in lost body language/inflection.
SingleGirl: Thanks! I hope it catches on as a way of approaching relationships instead of gleefully jumping into emotional attachments like they’re this week’s “Hot Penny Stock.”
Thanks for your comments!
Seth
Pretty awesome and pretty right on. My problem is that I have yet to meet a guy who has answered these questions “correctly,” so to speak. Men seem to hate being asked a series of questions (it makes them noticably grumpy), so how should women approach this without sounding like an insane job recruiter?
Seth, I laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME I read you. Thanks for delivering it on a platter for me!! What a reliably good time you are. lol
Jeannette
Vanessa: You avoid the “insane job recruiter” appearance by creating opportunities to ask the questions. Volunteer a bit of information about yourself and use that as ground to move in with your question.
Jeannette: Thanks for putting things in perspective. I’ll keep your constant laughter in mind as I continue to write. =)
Best to you!
Seth
Seth,
thank you! Great post and I love your take on including a high quality person in your life as opposed to just bagging every chick you can manage to manipulate into the sac. Girls don’t want to be with a man-ho anymore than guys want to be with a girl all their friends have already “bagged.” Besides… sex without an emotional connection? What a waste when you can have the real thing with just a little bit of patience and integrity!
I’m with the girls and gals on this one… I’ve got a bunch of questions that find their way into conversation to help me with my vetting process. And when I ignore the red flags that come up early, I REALLY regret it down the line.
As for the family q — you are right in that its all how the person answers. My family can be a handful, but thankfully, I’ve done what I needed to do to get myself into a healthy space where I can love them for who and where they are instead of wishing them different.
Unfortunately on the upstaging date and what would you do for a living ones… it would be hard to upstage some of the dates I’ve had and stories I’ve heard. Mostly b/c they tend to pour out their life story and I hear all kinds of stuff that I’m grateful for, but any dating coach would tell them to save till the 3rd… well, ok… tell it NEVER! LOL I suppose its the perils of writing and interviewing for a living… Maybe I am the Bawbrwah Walters of dating.
Keep up the great writing!
kelli
Kelli! Glad to have you swing by.
As for being the BW of dating, that’s okay by me. Just don’t get that strange up-creep on your pretty cheekbones, yeah? Every time I see that poor woman I wince when she tries to squeeze out a smile.
I’m glad the mutual inspiration thing is working out so well. =)
Best to you!
Seth
Hi, Seth. Thanks for the shoutout. I think. I can’t actually tell if the way you referenced me is good or bad. But I think it’s good because I ended up reading all the comments here and I learned so much! Really. I am smarter about dating from reading this comment string. Although I’m not sure if I could ever cure the drama
Penelope
Penelope: This entry arose from a conversation I had with Kelli after seeing your post on Twitter about having a phone filled with texts from eager married addicts. Kelli has the same issue and asked for a few ways to weed out the weirdo’s.
I should hope you’d accept the shoutout as being positive. Drama is fun to write about and even more fun to read. We thrive on it…but that’s no reason to be in personal situations where emotional energy is streaming toward masculine garbage collectors.
How could you read this and think I’m mad at you? =) Really, look into the full-spectrum lighting if you haven’t already. You may not cure the drama (I’m not even suggesting you should try with some kinds) but hot tea and fake sunlight will make the drama more fun to write about.
Best to you, and thanks for stopping by!
Seth
So, funny story. I used to have a list of questions that I would ask before dating anyone. you know the usual, are you married, have you been to prison, are you a serial killeR? type question.
I have learned that many of these question lead to answers that made me want to run and loss faith in people. I also learned that what a person has done in there life makes them who they are and sometimes more interesting.
I also learned that many times I am not willing to share about my past as that scares most potential dates away, as well as friends. My experience with this has yet to be proven wrong!
I guess you could say I no longer look to find someone that accepts me for who I am flaws and all, but more someone who is willing to have a little fun and seems to enjoy a good laugh.
Many times when serious questions come to quickly in a relationship or friendship many don’t want the drama or possible pain that could go with. So, my advice is this.
When someone shares something with you when dating, ore just friends take it with a grain of salt. Just because they don’t have a great family, ore normal life does not mean they are never going to be someone that could be a good friend or more.
Nicky: When it comes to sharing personal information with others, I couldn’t agree more with you! It’s very important to build the habit of acceptance and be adventurous when it comes to interacting with new dates and old friends alike!
One of the points I try to stress, especially in this post, is the importance of observing the way in which your SigOt shares the personal information. Many wonderful people come from horrific backgrounds. It is the way they have responded to these experiences and how it appears in their conversation that will give you a better picture of the person you are dealing with.
Yes! Always take things with a grain of salt. I hope you’re sprinkling some right now! =) So long as you are trying to communicate more effectively and build sustainable rewarding relationships, you’re in progress mode! It’s an adventure and I’ve glad you joined me for a part of it!
Thanks!
Seth
I have a different test I used when deciding whether or not my husband (then boyfriend) was the one. If he had been hit by a car and paralyzed from the neck down, could I see myself caring for him for the rest of my life? He was the first man I met that got a “yes” so that question.
Alisa: That’s a heavy point to ponder! I think your question would possibly work in the later stages of a relationship. Perhaps if, like you, one were deciding whether or not to marry the person in question.
If you were to use that question in the initial stages of the dating process, I think the answer would/should always be “no.” Not because I’m an evil or heartless person but because it’s very unlikely that choosing to be with a stranger on such terms could lead to a sustainable rewarding relationship!
Thanks for your comment!
Seth
I love these questions Seth. Reading your blogs always makes me think you’re witty and insightful, but your Twitter photo makes me think “unabomber.”
Anyway, I’ll keep reading as long as you don’t post anything with manifesto in the title.
Tina:
I appreciate your concern! However, I’m more worried about any dating experience you may have had with the unabombers you seem to have had contact with. Do you think any of the questions in my post would have helped you weed them out before you developed an emotional attachment? I’d love to hear your story!
I’m sorry I won’t be able to count on you for insight on my “dating manifesto.” I so looked forward to reading your thoughts!
Best to you!
Seth
You’re on the money with this, Seth! I agree that it’s important do get those things out of the way very early.
When looking for a lasting relationship, you have to look for common pillars that are going to be the foundation. Ignoring those things that are important to you will just set you up for inevitable failure down the road.
You can only ignore it for so long.
So I think it’s fair to never short-change yourself and look for responses that you feel are qualified enough to progress the relationship.
And I used to not ask these questions before and I would figure I would find them out later. Always a bad choice, especially when you finally find out and it’s not what you were hoping for – family specifically.
To Hammer’s “The only real way to answer the question as to whether you’ll want to continue talking to them after you’ve fucked them is by fucking them.” One does not have to even take a philosophy class to know that this is a poorly formed arguement. A better one would be: the only way you’ll know if you will want to continue talking with someone after you have sex with them to think about whether or not you would like to talk with someone after you have sex with them.
If you enjoy talking with someone, you will continue enjoying the conversations whether or not the sex happens, and/or even if the sex does not reach your expectations. Seriously. If you think relations are all about sex, rather than sex being part of a healthy relationship, then you are still are the developmental level of a fifteen year old.
If this site is about “three minutes to a better _date_” then maybe you need to look elsewhere to solve the issues you are dealing with. Then again, this might be just the spot for new insights and horizons.
Infinity: It’s great to know that you’ve successfully made use of these types of questions. Yes! There’s very little worse in a relationship than only realizing after months (or even years) that you have invested so much in the wrong person. Drama and pain galore!
Shawna: I think it’s great that you’ve also discovered that there are many ways to find fulfillment in a relationship!
In terms of arguments, it is so very important to approach disagreements with an eye for understanding and a longing for acceptance. You might check out “Baring Breasts: Courting With Acceptance” as another place I’ve written about this idea.
Another thing I’ve learned is to avoid associating a way of thinking with a specific age! I’ve known wise 7 year-olds and mildly pre-pubescent 65 year-olds! People are full of surprises. The internet increases this factor ten-fold.
I really hope this is the spot for new insights and horizons. For us all! I get so much out of these conversations in the “cellar” below each post. I am grateful to each of you for sharing your voice.
Best to you!
Seth
#3 is my favorite. My date would have to invite his father AND his mother to upstage my worst.
Dude, this log had so many comments – I didn’t have the time to read all of them. Are you kidding, you are like famous now. No wonder you don’t have time to come over to my site sometime!!! Well, you want to know how I determine if a relationship will have lasting value?
Of course not, but it was simple for me – DNA and biological drive. I can tell immediately (within 5 minutes) if I am attracted to someone’s pheromones. They say that our DNA tells our brains who we are most likely to have healthy children with by their pheromones. Once this happens to me, I can’t turn it off. Hence, that is why my husband and I will probably be married forever. It is some chemical process in my head that I have no control over.
Really, it doesn’t matter what he does. I can’t stay away from him. Maybe you could look it up, they have proven that love is just a biological process, has little to do with emotions. We are all just trying to find the best person to mate with.
Nice blog, Seth!!!
T.S.! I haven’t had a conversation with my DNA yet so I’m still in the dark on the pheromone explanation. Sounds very interesting though. I’ll be certain to look it up and see what I can learn about it!
Assuming there are multiple people with whom you could have healthy children; how would you go about picking one? Is this DNA-based mating radar specific to you only or does it occur among the general public as well?
And if we’re all just trying to find the best person to have children with, how do you explain homosexual sex drives? In this instance, are the pheromones right but the genders don’t match?
Those come to mind initially. I’m delighted that you like the blog and even happier that you’ve found something that gives you hope for a long and rewarding relationship with your husband.
Thanks for visiting and best to you!
Seth
Seth, Why are you looking for faults immediately? You will always find them you know… Don’t you rather find love?
Carolin Dahlman, love coach.
Carolin: It’s not about looking for faults as much as it is about looking for somebody with a set of faults that do not prevent you from having a sustainable rewarding relationship.
Love that doesn’t see the faults of another is not love. It’s a blind crush. I’d much prefer to see her faults and still find myself loving her. I know it’s true that way.
They do things differently in Sweden? =)
Thanks for stopping by!
Seth