by Amelia Holzapfel
My 13 year-old cousin recently asked me what I thought to be the right age for her to start having sex.
Cousin: What’s the right age to start having sex?
Me: What’s the right age to start having babies?
Cousin: Um, probably 20 years old. At least not until you have a job you like.
Me: Then you probably shouldn’t start making babies until you’re the right age to have them.
Cousin: What if I don’t let him (her 15 year-old boyfriend) put it in my, um, in me?
Me: In your vagina?
Cousin: Yeah.
Me: Then you’ve still got a whole list of things to worry about. Do you really want to have sex with him?
Cousin: Well, yes. Mostly? All the other girls are doing it with their boyfriends.
Her mom walked into the room at this point and we didn’t get a chance to finish the conversation before I left. I owe her a phone call and I can’t help but feel like I don’t have a good answer for her.
What’s the right age to start having sex?
When you take pregnancy out of the equation and you’re dealing with a young teen who feels invincible and is convinced her boy is clean, how do you convince her to wait? Should she?
What’s the right age to start having sex? I know I wish I’d waited. But I don’t know how I’d have convinced myself as a 14 year-old (just one year older than my cousin is!) to ignore what other girls were doing and wait for a guy who was actually interested in me as a person.
Do you have any insight you’d be willing to share? I’d love it if you took a moment to chime in on this!
Love, Amelia
Image: MissPiano
What Is The Right Age To Start Having Sex?
I think the simple answer here is that there is no simple answer, and as obvious as it sounds, every person is different, and everyone will feel ready at a different time. Me personally, I was a teenager the first time I had sex (although I was definitely over the age of consent) and I know I was ready to do that, but I know there were a lot of people I knew at the time who definitely were not ready at the age I was. I had one friend who rushed into it as quickly as possible because she didn’t want to be left behind and ended up sleeping with the first guy that showed any interest in her, which is a sad story. Consequently, she doesn’t have good memories of her first time, and if you end up making a mistake like that, the memories are something you can’t put behind you.
That said, what to tell your cousin? I’m not sure there’s a right or wrong way to handle this really. I think the most important thing to remember is that whatever you say to her, you must do it in a non-judgemental way. She needs you to be there for her, no matter what she decides to do and when she does it.
To be more specific, I don’t think there is a right age to start having sex. It’s tempting to think (and I’m sure many teenagers do) that the age of consent is there to tell them when they are ready, but I think all of us slightly older and allegedly wiser types know what rubbish that is. Well done with your comment about being ready for babies being the time to be ready for sex, that was definitely a good start. Good luck with the continuing conversation!
C’mon Louise! I need a simple, straightforward answer! =P
I’m thinking I may just explain my regrets about premature boning with her and leave it up to her to make conclusions.
She is, after all, going to do whatever she feels like. I was exactly the same. =)
I’m just glad she’s asking somebody. Felt kinda special that she’d asked me.
Thanks so much for stopping by!
Amelia,
like you say, tell your cousin your regrets about premature boning and leave it up to her to make her own conclusions.
After all, she IS going to do whatever she feels like.
If you could get her to go with you to an adult counselor, say at an adoption agency ( usually free services under certain circumstances ) it may help. It’s all you can do.
I wish you and your cousin the best.
David, Ann Arbor, MI
Tough conversation!
Maybe think about telling her this…
Ideally, I think it’s best when two people a.) love each other deeply b.) are committed to each other for life, (ie, marriage) and c.) are each responsible enough to deal with any of the possible consequences as a result of their actions. If you use this ‘choice filter’, you’re in a wise place… it can end up saving you from a lot of hurt and pain. (insert stories here!)
Best,
Jay
Of course she’s committed. Remember how we were at that age? Love was enough! Like the elephants at the zoo when you’re a kid, love just seems bigger when your experience is limited.
I like your notion of a “choice filter.” Very wise!
Thanks Jay!
Ameila,
Her mom and her do not have a relationship where they can talk about sex. Sex is a basic part of life. It’s probably the tip of the iceberg of things she doesn’t talk to her mom about. What she needs is a friend who loves and cares about her.
When you don’t have this kind of love and assurance at home, you look elsewhere — including 15 year old horny boyfriends who want to put “it” in her.
“What if I don’t let him put it in my, um, in me?” Was probably the saddest part to read. He’s pressuring her. She’s not ready (she’s 13!). She’s scared. Obviously, she hasn’t had sex with him yet even though, as you pointed out, she does whatever she wants.
Why not a conversation about choosing good boyfriends? What would you tell an adult girlfriend whose boyfriend was pressuring her to give her body to him?
Many times, we don’t want to be the bad guy. Our own fear of rejection keeps us from sharing our hearts.
She probably will do whatever she wants, but presenting facts is something her school has most likely already done. It’s bigger than that.
She did come to you for advice (she knows you care!) and you could gently tell her, “You trust my opinion, right? I think you should wait.”
Hi Sarah,
I’m not sure the “adult boyfriend pressuring” works? She wasn’t complaining about his advances. Just wondering what I thought.
From what I know he’s an amazing boyfriend. Just horny. Who isn’t?! =)
I think you were very wise to tell her how old is a good age to have babies. It put it in a good perspective. As the parent of a 19 year old boy, I’ve just been through this. He waited until he was in college, since he didn’t have a steady girlfriend in HS.
There are a lot of contributing factors to when to have sex, but I can tell you one thing, 13 is way, way, way too young. They just don’t have the emotional maturity for a sexual relationship whether it is with another 13 year old, or a 15 year old.
Yay for talking to your son about sex! Go mom! =)
I agree with you. Need to find a way to explain it without using the “I’m older, I know better” approach.
I get why my parents avoided talking about sex now. =)
My *personal* view, conditioned as it is by cultural (and now age-related) differences from you, is that it is never a good idea to let peer pressure guide what you do. And that applies to anything.
Most of the time, it is a case of being driven to it because “everyone else is doing it”. And that sometimes leads to regrets, at other times not. But it definitely is a less satisfying feeling than doing something BECAUSE YOU REALLY WANT TO.
I guess that’s the line I would take in guiding someone who is yet uncertain. Listen to YOUR heart. Ignore the “wisdom of the crowds” in this regard.
Does that help?
P.S. – I’ll also share a quote which was part of an article I wrote for a popular site, about guidelines to lead your life:
“And in the end, have no regrets. We are all human, and therefore imperfect. We will always make mistakes. And that’s ok. Yes, things could have been better. But they also could have been worse. The only question you must ask yourself is this: “Did I do my best?” I hope your answer will be “Yes, I did.”
That’s all that matters.”
Yes, that helps. I was a “leader of the crowd” when I was my cousin’s age. Led to a lot of things I’d prefer not to have done.
Hoping I can steer her clear of at least a few mistakes I made.
Those are truly wonderful words. Thank you for taking the time to write and share them! I shall do my best and hope she does the same. =)
may be get some real medical reasons which might affect her health due to intercourse at the age of 13 (early ? !! ), and jus scare her out of this situation.
Scaring someone out of it won’t work. My parents and my aunt tried scaring me out of it by babysitting monsters. Just tell her that even if it’s what everyone else is doing to just do what she’s ready for… not what everyone’s telling her or what her boyfriends ready for. If he’s as wonderful as he should be then he’ll understand her not being ready… and if she’s ready… I’m sure she’ll be thrilled. My 13 year old sister just had her first time… she said she didn’t like it and won’t be having sex for a while.. Maybe the situation will be somewhat the same with your cousin. But! make sure you tell her about keeping it safe :]
When I was pregnant with my first child… at the ripe old age of 29… my husband and I attended childbirth preparation classes in which we got to watch these movies of various couples in labor.
I remember thinking that there was no better propaganda for abstinence than those and that it was a bit too late considering my then current situation.
I woulda said something along the lines of, when do you think is the right time to start having sex? I think you’re right in getting her to think about it. If she’s not letting him “put it in her” then she’s not really having sex is she. Though there are still problems with that as you dont have to have him ejaculate inside your vagina for you to fall pregnant. Around it is enough, or so they say. Tbh i think you did the best you could considering the circumstances. If you’d had longer ot talk about it then things might have ended differently and you may have come up with something more.
Next time if she brings it up again maybe mention the legal consent age [usually 16 or 18 depends where you live??]. Also bring up the point of maturity and pregnancy. Condoms break etc. could you deal with a kid now being a kid yourself. Sex should be between you and someone you love often works well with young girls. Bring inthe emotional side of it. Ooo and because of her last comment “the other girls are doing it” you could go with the ever popular “if all the other girls jumped off a cliff would you do it too?”
For the people thinking 13 is early – yes. BUT, it is NOT unusual. In fact, it’s become ridiculously common.
I spend a lot of time “hanging out” with girls who are now in high school (mentor) and I find listening to be the best – guided with probes. Let her make her own decisions with your help in teasing out what those decisions are – getting her to think about it (like people have already said).
One cautionary word I’ve used – she can always choose to have sex “tomorrow”, but she can’t undo a choice she’s already made (well, except for saying, let’s stop for a while, I didn’t realize I’m not ready – then again, something that is unlikely to pass an immature girl’s lips).