by Amelia Holzapfel
My 13 year-old cousin recently asked me what I thought to be the right age for her to start having sex.
Cousin: What’s the right age to start having sex?
Me: What’s the right age to start having babies?
Cousin: Um, probably 20 years old. At least not until you have a job you like.
Me: Then you probably shouldn’t start making babies until you’re the right age to have them.
Cousin: What if I don’t let him (her 15 year-old boyfriend) put it in my, um, in me?
Me: In your vagina?
Cousin: Yeah.
Me: Then you’ve still got a whole list of things to worry about. Do you really want to have sex with him?
Cousin: Well, yes. Mostly? All the other girls are doing it with their boyfriends.
Her mom walked into the room at this point and we didn’t get a chance to finish the conversation before I left. I owe her a phone call and I can’t help but feel like I don’t have a good answer for her.
What’s the right age to start having sex?
When you take pregnancy out of the equation and you’re dealing with a young teen who feels invincible and is convinced her boy is clean, how do you convince her to wait? Should she?
What’s the right age to start having sex? I know I wish I’d waited. But I don’t know how I’d have convinced myself as a 14 year-old (just one year older than my cousin is!) to ignore what other girls were doing and wait for a guy who was actually interested in me as a person.
Do you have any insight you’d be willing to share? I’d love it if you took a moment to chime in on this!
Love, Amelia
19 Comments
When I was pregnant with my first child… at the ripe old age of 29… my husband and I attended childbirth preparation classes in which we got to watch these movies of various couples in labor.
I remember thinking that there was no better propaganda for abstinence than those and that it was a bit too late considering my then current situation.
I woulda said something along the lines of, when do you think is the right time to start having sex? I think you’re right in getting her to think about it. If she’s not letting him “put it in her” then she’s not really having sex is she. Though there are still problems with that as you dont have to have him ejaculate inside your vagina for you to fall pregnant. Around it is enough, or so they say. Tbh i think you did the best you could considering the circumstances. If you’d had longer ot talk about it then things might have ended differently and you may have come up with something more.
Next time if she brings it up again maybe mention the legal consent age [usually 16 or 18 depends where you live??]. Also bring up the point of maturity and pregnancy. Condoms break etc. could you deal with a kid now being a kid yourself. Sex should be between you and someone you love often works well with young girls. Bring inthe emotional side of it. Ooo and because of her last comment “the other girls are doing it” you could go with the ever popular “if all the other girls jumped off a cliff would you do it too?”
For the people thinking 13 is early – yes. BUT, it is NOT unusual. In fact, it’s become ridiculously common.
I spend a lot of time “hanging out” with girls who are now in high school (mentor) and I find listening to be the best – guided with probes. Let her make her own decisions with your help in teasing out what those decisions are – getting her to think about it (like people have already said).
One cautionary word I’ve used – she can always choose to have sex “tomorrow”, but she can’t undo a choice she’s already made (well, except for saying, let’s stop for a while, I didn’t realize I’m not ready – then again, something that is unlikely to pass an immature girl’s lips).
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It is a shame you don