Sometimes, no matter how well a date seems to go, the last you’ll hear of her voice are the words “please leave a message”. You had fun, but she doesn’t call back. You enjoyed your meal or activity, but she doesn’t call back. She even said she liked you, but she doesn’t call back.
Why is that?
Maria and I went out for sushi then drinks at a bar overlooking the river. The weather was perfect. Our conversation was a mix of questions and comments, silence and laughter. Everything seemed to go well.
When I dropped her off at her house, she even said “I had a really nice time. Call me!”.
So I did. And she never called me back. Why?
The answer is agonizingly simple: She was so concerned about being “the perfect date” that she avoided telling me when she wasn’t enjoying herself. Sound familiar? Not only does it happen on first dates, but many of us continue this practice well into relationships and especially in the bedroom.
How do I know her reasons?
Two weeks after our date I strolled into the movie theater she managed on a Monday afternoon. Guess who was the only person available to sell me a ticket?
As Maria ran my credit card, I made a simple statement: ”You don’t even like sushi. In fact, you hate it.”
She stopped sliding the card. Her shoulders tightened and she let out a breath through her nose.
“You’re a persistent one, huh?” She countered.
“Not especially. I just want to know if you actually like sushi.” I ventured.
Her shoulders dropped and she stopped trying to squeeze life into the pen she held.
“No, I don’t like sushi.” She admitted.
Our conversation continued. The problem wasn’t just the sushi. She’d been worried about running into an ex at the bar and was exhausted from a long week. She should have called off the date and slept. Instead, we’d both wasted our time and nearly ended up as a ghost couple. You know, the ones who try to avoid each other so they don’t have to ever give an explanation?
She’d chosen to save face by being nice even though doing so filled the air with uncertainty.
I missed the first 10 minutes of Matrix Revolutions (not much lost there), but I gained insight into why the date had failed. Here’s what went wrong and how I could have avoided it:
- I was so thrilled that we were on a date that I missed her negative signals. You know how eye contact helps establish a connection between two people? It also helps to figure out if she’s laughing with you or at you. If she makes a down-toned humming noise at the end of her laugh and turns her head away…she’s laughing at you. If she has trouble getting her response out in coherent terms…she’s definitely laughing with you.
- I failed to make it clear that my plans for the evening were flexible. All I had to say was “Hey, if you’ve been craving something other than sushi, let’s get that. I know of a couple great places.” and Maria would have been filling her face with food she enjoyed. Being flexible and paying attention to a woman’s cravings will get you more points than you planned on.
- I let it bother me when she never returned my call. This is the hardest part to fix because I love to over-think things. If you take all the time you spend obsessing over bad dates and spend it on being a better friend to the people around you, those friends will do everything they can to find you love. They’ll also be there for you when, like should have happened with Maria, a date calls in sick and you have free time.
Notice I’ve been talking about friendship a lot lately? There’s a reason. The people who participate in fulfilling friendships make for better bed-mates, soul-mates, chocolate-ice-cream-and-Friends-marathon-mates, and are generally much more fun to wake up next to.
I’m starting with the chocolate ice cream and working my way up. =)
Seth
If you’ve got a story about a date who never called back, I’d love to hear it. Leave it in a comment and we’ll talk about it!
photo credit: captain paul, kalandrakas
I’m kind of happy to see a story where the woman doesn’t call instead of the man. It’s nice to know guys worry about stuff like this too!
@Molly
I’m much better about #3 than I was when this date took place. Sure, I like to think about things, but I work to be thoughtful instead of obsessed. You know?
Guys worry about a lot of stuff. Trust me on that! =)
Great topic, Seth!
I’ve had a lot of “great dates” but that’s just it…it’s the word “date” that puts a kink in the slinky and when that happens, the fluidity of slinking down the stairs is affected and gone!:~)
I’ve learned to take away the “date” aspect and replace it with the “friend” aspect. This then takes away the pressure off of both parties and maybe they can relax and enjoy! If it works out, great! There’s something to be said about “friends first make great lovers”…and if it doesn’t work out, then it’s easier to disassociate and go your own way. Or at the very least, you’ve gained a new friend in the process…along with their friends.
Does this make sense to you? I am less nervous about making friends than I am making lovers…of course, having pingpong balls in my pocket helps break the ice everytime without fail.:~)
Moral: I have lots of friends but zero dates and I’m ok with this…unless…
But seriously I would love to hear your guy input…
@Henie
I have never had success with making a slinky run down steps. A failure…completely.
Yes, it makes entire sense to me! I brought that up in a different way in the previous post. It’s a trend! =)
Pingpong balls again? I shall begin to incorporate penguins into every comment I leave on your blog, Hen.
I think you’re too hard on yourself. She’s a big girl. Big girls who don’t like sushi can say so, even when they’re tired, are having a bad week, or are worried about running into old boyfriends.
It would stink to spend much time with a person who silently hates things but never says so in the name of not making waves. Yuck! Why not just say, “Hey, I’m not really up for this tonight, but I’d love to go grab a cheeseburger in someplace more casual. Want to?”
I’m not much for sushi, myself. Being in the company of some fabulously cute guy who is also nice wouldn’t be enough to make me pretend I did like it, and I *certainly* can’t imagine either wanting or having to pretend to like sex. Good heavens. It’s inherently likeable. If, for some god awful reason any particular instance of it weren’t likeable (not likely!), then I’d stop.
Anyway, give yourself a break. There’s no dating secret, here, and no rule you’re breaking. You aren’t being too self absorbed to notice the subtle clues. It’s just that when you are with someone who isn’t honest about what’s up with her, then you’re not going to know what’s up with her.
I vote for giving yourself a break. Failure to read minds really doesn’t count as failure at all.
Y’know, I think I have to agree with Kafkaz here. I mean, you’re a really sweet guy to acknowledge that there might have been more you could have done to make her feel comfortable, but ultimately, she’s responsible for taking care of herself. And frankly, saying, “Y’know? I’m just not wild about sushi. Could we try something else?” is pretty simple. Of course, so is, “If it’s okay, I’m just not up for it tonight. Can we do it later/tomorrow/next week?”
I wonder how much of her lack of self-possession had to do with the term “date” like Henie suggested. Surely, if she’d been with friends, she’d have spoken up.
In any case, you’re right that becoming friends is a good way to start any relationship. Ice cream Friends marathons, candlelight dinners, giggle-fests over nothing in particular, figuring out how to deal with a difficult parent, food poisoning, football games, and carpet picnics are all better if you’ve got your best friend’s hand to hold.
@Kafkaz
“Matrix Revolutions” was playing in theaters in 2003, 6 years ago, thankfully, this date happened then. The topic came up as a result of a recent question.
#3 was listed as a mistake because, in full agreement with you, I worried about the no call-back at the time. Thanks for your vote! I wish I’d known you in 2003. =)
@Diane
The gigglefests, difficult parents, and football games are long since past, I hope? Well, I still enjoy laughing and watch a bit of football.
I suppose I was unclear somehow?
“Gigglefests long since past”? Oh, hell no.
DH and I crack each other up on a regular basis. He’s the only one who seems to appreciate my rather disturbed sense of humor. Of course, I laugh at all his jokes, too, so I suppose that’s why we work.
But, really that last paragraph of my comment was responding to this: “The people who participate in fulfilling friendships make for better bed-mates, soul-mates, chocolate-ice-cream-and-Friends-marathon-mates, and are generally much more fun to wake up next to.”
Because you’re right. The best person to have as your lover is the one who is your friend, too.
I was trying to make the point that relationships are so much more than the glossy sheen we put on for dates. That, if you’re in a relationship for any length of time the lovely facade that we sometimes try too hard to hold up, the facade that your date was clinging to so tightly that she couldn’t even listen to herself, eventually gets obliterated by the mundane and difficult in life, e.g. food poisoning, trying to find a way to diplomatically deal with a parent who’s making your life miserable, stress over jobs, etc.
But the fun stuff, the really great, amazing stuff, is also found there, in the mundane. Simply knowing what your partner is going to say when your favorite player scores a touchdown, cracking up over an in-joke based on a movie that you both loved but that none of your friends would lower themselves to see, the simple assurance of having someone next to you who really knows you.
Those little things are what make a relationship great. They’re what make the sex great, what make just being with someone great.
And, even though it’s scary to really be ourselves with someone new, the more we can embrace that, the richer that relationship will be. Or, the faster you’ll know that you’re not suited.
That’s the point I was trying to make. Hmmm, guess I muddled it a bit. Of course, I could just hi-jack your blog and ramble on about nothing in particular. Oh wait …
You are welcome to hi-jack my comments section any time, Diane! =)
You make a great point about how being real allows people to cut to the compatibility chase and move on or out with a relationship.
Now if only we can convince 50million or so other people to adopt this method as well!
Seth
I love this whole conversation Seth.
Just found myself telling the kids (9 & 12) watching Madagascar reruns (it’s wet!)
‘It’s ok, they’re Americans. We don’t ‘do’ dating, we just get to hang out.’
Hey Seth,
Loved this post! I recently heard a comic talk about the differences between men and women and it fits perfectly.
He said:
If you ask a man if he is hungry and he is not, he will say no I am not hungry.
If you ask a woman if she is hungry and she is not, she will say no I am not hungry but I’ll eat if you want to!
LOL! How simple it would be if we just were straight up with each other from the get go!
I so enjoy your column, thanks for making a man’s point of view so entertaining. As I said to my hubby last night, women don’t TRY to be annoying, as I got into his arms for a warm snuggle.
All I can say is viva le difference!
Celebrating Love in Style,
Catherine
@Lindsay – Ah, but “hanging out” is the best! At least, I think so.
@Catherine – It really depends on how many people you interact with on a regular basis. I know a lot of women who are very up front about their preferences as well as guys who will do anything to try and make a date happy.
Yes, viva le difference…but as applied to people. Yeah?
I hope we all grow to be a bit more frank with each other. It can only end up better in the end!
=)
I don’t mean to be a jerk but here goes!
I don’t think you got a very mature girl here! Granted it would have been great if you caught the signals but… Come on.
This is the kind of girl that would end up flipping out on you for not knowing what she is thinking and needing! No fun…
She sounds like a drama queen and according to the comments above others agree with me.
Take care Seth
I love this particular post of yours. Funny because like you i over think a lot of stuff when i feel that something great happened on the date then suddenly it’s like it never happened..
My experience is a bit different, I have been dating this guy for like 2 years now hahaha funny i know but we do enjoy each others company, and for sure he does enjoy mine, if not then we wouldn’t have dated for so long. I feel that this is the problem, he never tells me how he feels about me. He can be here then no trace then back again.
I’m the type who would be very honest in the beginning, if i don’t feel someone, i’d straight away tell the person.. I did but never got a real answer. Pretty weird huh..
I love what you said in the end that its the people you are comfortable with that makes a great partner. Someone you can just be yourself with.
Great post Seth.. can’t wait for the next one.. very refreshing to get a males’s point of view for a change.
@Mike – 1. Saying “I don’t mean to be a jerk but” doesn’t allow you to say jerky things. However, you didn’t say anything jerky after that statement…which makes it hilarious!
2. You could be on a date with the most heinously self-centered drama queen and it’s still your duty to be a creative listener, thoughtful comedian, and general smart guy. The kind of girls I’ve had flip out on me for not knowing what they’re “thinking and needing” are often flipping out because there’s a history of me or others ignoring them when they’ve been justly clear about things.
We can always find others who will back us up no matter what our position is. Every great relationship has had its share of “flipping out” and general discomfort. It’s up to us to slog through those times and forget them as best we might.
That’s when the good stuff starts to really shine through and we can all tag ourselves with “master dater” – which is a great tagline except it’s rhyming brother has so very many connotations!
@Misty – Does he have ways of showing you how he feels about you? Or is it more than just a silence on feelings?
Is he the “strong and silent” type or is he just using you when he’s in town?
Seth
I’m sure in the past I have gone on a date and she would avoid me or not answer my calls after. I used to worry about that so much and be so hard on myself about it. But seemingly, you and I realized the same thing at some point.
What makes it interesting is when you actually saw her again, you guys got into more of a conversation and ended up proving a pretty solid point.
Sometimes, it’s not the person. It’s a circumstance or mindset that can distract an attraction.
Sometimes, we come across amazing people, even to the point of asking ourselves, “where have you been all my life?” But due to circumstances or feelings beyond our control, it’s just poor timing. Maybe for her, she felt as though she was in an environment that gave her many signs of bad relationship luck and made her uncomfortable. Spelled date fail from the start.
And Seth is on the money about friendship. It is the quintessential piece to a VERY stong relationship. Without friendship, there really isn’t much there.
@Thomas – very well-put, sir! Another side to the “where have you been all my life?” comment is that when we find somebody who seems to be a perfect match…we seem to forget about all our behaviors that would prove us to be the same.
When we approach things with an eye for friendship and our clothing fastened appropriately (read: dick where it belongs) we give ourselves a tremendous advantage in that we’re allowing ourselves to be just that.
The only reason you should ever be playing somebody other than yourself on a date is when 1. You’re a bunch of kinky crazies. 2. You’re being paid to do so (as in, in a movie. I still don’t promote escort services).
You are spot on. Thanks for dropping by!
I would say that he is just silent about his feelings. He is very sweet and looks after my welfare. Takes me with him on Family Trips abroad. Very generous with his gifts and always tells me that I am the only person he who really knows him.
He is very anti social and keeps to himself. He has introduced me to his entire family. I like our friendship but sometimes there is this nagging question.. should i wait? and how long?
@Misty – should you wait…how long…for what?
What are you expecting out of it?
Hi again Seth, yes exactly wait for what.. to be honest, I no longer wait nor expect anything. I just enjoy the friendships. At the on set I was hoping for the relationship to grow deeper, become a couple. Thank you for this great post. Can’t wait for the next.
Ahhh, so you’re just hanging out then? If it’s killing you and you MUST know…sometime when you’re both sober and just chilling, hop in his lap, facing him, get *really* close, and continue your conversation. If he pushes you away, you have your answer. If not…keep going.
And now you can’t say I never told you to try something crazy! =)
It’s great that you know how to enjoy a friendship. I think we’d all do well to increase our abilities in that area. Good on you, Misty!
Seth
Just me, the PP-girl bouncing back in to say…
“Friendship is the best springboard for the greatest love affair!” ~Henie~
You know…I always enjoy your posts, but this is one that leaves me with some questions. First- this goes both ways…I think women often aren’t sure what to make of what a man is thinking either. One of the major reasons I am rather anti-dating myself (my LTR have pretty much all grown from friendships,) is that I find the entire process of dating to be emotionally exhausting, and prefer to focus on making friends. Second- in this day of online interaction, social media, and virtual access, how do you know when the same guy (or girl) is truly interested in you, or when you are simply a distraction from his “real life?”
Your writing truly is delightful =)
@Henie – you are so very quotable! =)
@Michelle – Hmm, that’s possibly why I also argue for more honest communication in spite of any perceived risk!
By distraction from one’s real life…you’re still online at that point, right? I don’t see how you could possibly know for certain without face-to-face interactions. There’s only so much you can know without body language.
The thing that really got me in this post Seth was the sushi – I love sushi and there are few places here to get it. But as to dating, I bought into the “he’s just not that into you” thing and figured it was just that when this fellow didn’t call me after about 6 dates, when I was just about head over heels in love with him. I heard on the grapevine he had met the woman of his dreams at the time, so let it go. About 15 years later, I ran into him. We had a rather awkward chat, but followed it up with a coffee. He apologized for leaving me in the cold, and said it had bothered him off and on for years, but he never knew how to get in touch with me. It was sweet, and not just a little bit satisfying that it had bugged him. One never knows what is really going on in someone else’s head – or heart for that matter.
I think @mikethemasterdater is right on. It’s for the best that this didn’t work out. On the other hand, this made me think of times I had been on dates where I had a pretty good time, but just wasn’t into it. I didn’t let on about that, and didn’t call back. I ned to stop doing that!
100%. Open communication is the best way to go. Sure, it’s good to know how to say things in a positive way…but it’s always best to get out of a situation that isn’t headed anywhere good!
What if they don’t call you at all? I went on a date and he came to my house and picked me up. We had lunch and then went to a baseball game. I figured that date would be done after the Braves game (though we had a great time, shared food, laughs and a couple gazs) but instead he asked if I wanted to go to dinner and a movie. We ended up going to a movie, then ice cream. We sat for an hour eating ice cream and talking. After that we both talked about what a great time we had and talked a little on myspace but I haven’t heard from him again. I know he’s shy because he’s definately more forward in texts then in real life but my phone broke so I have no texts. The point is, he persued me for a while, we went out, he initiated the extra events then nothing. Nothing at all.